Letting Go Of My Dreams.

What a sad title isn't it? Or is it?
We all have that big dream don't we? You know, the "one" that would change everything...
Maybe it's falling in love with the right person, finding that perfect soul-mate...
Maybe it's finally getting accepted at our dream school, or program, maybe it's the "yes" when you keep getting "no."
Regardless of the dream, we've all got at least one, and we all have the big one that would make our life complete.
Of course I've had mine.
And without realizing it, I put my dream on an alter and started to secretly worship it. It wasn't as if I would kneel down before the image of dream, but in my heart, and in my thoughts I elevated my dream to the status of something worth living for. My dream would change everything. (if I got it) If God would only hurry up, answer my prayer, and give me my dream.
Oh boy.
Am I really going to look the all-knowing, all-surpassing greatness of my Father in heaven and tell Him that He really ought to hurry up with MY plans for ME? I did. I did do that. Many times. I asked HIM, I begged Him, I cried with a truly sorrowful heart...I wept on my knees, all the while blaming Him for withholding from me, the one dream that would make my life better.
Anyone else reading between the lines here for with me?
HE is to be my only satisfaction. HE is to be the one who makes everything else make sense! HE already happened in my life! HE is my miracle.
But until I realized the greatness of my sin in how I elevated my dreams, I would not realize how far I had fallen.
I did realize it.
I cried.
A lot.
But this time, my tears were not that of, "why haven't you answered my prayers.." instead, they were tears of sorrow over the sin I had been walking in. The sin that claimed, my will over His. The sin that put a dream, a mere idea, a promise, above my God...nothing I could dream up could ever complete me like my God can complete me.
This was the grass of change poking up through the frozen ground of my heart. Break-through began that day. So I did something extreme. I wrote MY dream on a piece of paper, and with shaking hands, I held it up to My Father. Tears streaming down my face, at the top of my lungs I cried, "Lord! You mean more..." I offered my idol to the Lord, my dream to the Father, my hopes, my personal plans for myself and laid them at the foot of the cross.
I rose.
As I rose I felt the weight lifted off my back. The weight that was put upon me as I daily obsessed about my dream, on how I would attain it, and the worry that came with it, knowing fully that God was in control, and I was only pretending that I had some part in my future. God plans my future, not I. I was playing God in my mind, and weight of the burden I carried in order to play this role, was crushing me.
I literally felt lighter. My whole body felt free. I feel like chains were broken that day. I no longer needed anything more than I needed God.
Christ was re-elevated to the place in my mind that He should have been at all along.
It's amazing how quickly my dream took priority in my thoughts and in my heart, and I didn't even realize it. That is the deception of sin. It's so quiet, sneaky and sounds like truth. But it's not. Nothing can be more elevated in my mind than God. Nothing.
It very well may be that God may intend to give or bless me with my dream someday. But the weight of worry of the when, and how is gone. The desire to scratch and scrape in hopes of attaining my dream, are also gone. God is in control. I'm done playing God.
I never stopped worshiping Him, but I felt Him time and time again ask me, "are you worshiping me and following hard after me simply because you love me, or are you searching me out in hopes that I will merely give you what you want." And I have to confess, many days I sought hard after God with tear stained eyes looking for some sign that He was about to give me my desires.
He wants me to seek Him in all things, but not with the heart motives I had. God sees the heart. He knows what is in a man.
That is why I never have to worry about Him knowing. He's already there.
So yesterday I started singing that song, "Even if the healing never comes" By Kutless, here it is friends, enjoy and listen with hearts that open to His plans, His ways and simply Him over your desires.
He is King over this flood. And I for one, am resting in the storm...

A Short Story About Freedom

There is a lot of talk about "freedom" these days.. I would now say that freedom in our minds has more to do with "rights.." But there was a time when freedom really mean just that. Free. No holds bar. Ability to go, and move about freely.
I'm going to share with you a little story that may help you see what point I'm trying to make, and I do hope this allows you to gain perspective on true freedom.
 "There once a little girl. She was 6 years old. She was born a slave. Her Momma was a slave, and her Daddy was a slave. She was born a slave. She woke up and did what she was ordered to do every day. Once she was in the market with her master's wife. The master's wife was busy looking at things and the little slave girl allowed herself a moment to look around as well. She saw a little girl across the street. Her hair was done in beautiful golden curls. She had a pink dress on and shiny white shoes. She clearly was not a slave. She was free. The little girl who was about 6 as well, sat down on the curb as her mother walked up behind her and handed her a treat. The little slave girl wanted to cry, but she didn't. Her Daddy always told her that she was given way to "survive" in this life, and that she was to to be a slave, and take pride in it. When she went to bed at night that is when she could dream of being "free" but not to waste her time on such thoughts when she could be doing things that mattered. 
So the little girl turned her face away from the lovely little "free" girl, and continued on her way. As the years passed and the little girl grew up she became more accustomed to her role as a slave, and she did spend her energy on survival. It was important to survive in this life she would remind herself.
One day, a breathless slave friend ran into her room. "We're free! Cried the other slave girl..." "What do you mean exclaimed the girl...?!" "We free. A law was passed...it's been declared, we're free."  And just like that, she was set free. Physically.
But in her mind, she battled with daily the temptation to still consider herself a slave. She still wrestled with the reality that she was really free. 
She tried to live life free, but the weight that had been set on her shoulders, the weight of slavery had settled in hard over her in the past 17 years. She was told she was free but she didn't have the slightest idea of how to live free.  She got married, had children, but still felt a weight, until one day she was told about a different sort of freedom. She was told that a man 2000 years ago died on a cross for her sins, so she didn't have to bear the weight of the law anymore. She didn't have to worry about doing everything right, and paying the price for the times she didn't. She didn't have to have guilt, shame or fear. She didn't have to be held captive to the idea of something anymore. She could be free from her thoughts that weighed on her like a pile of bricks. She could hold freedom in her hand, and hand someone else her pain, shame and sin. 
She thought this sounded like something she would like. So she asked how she could attain this freedom? "It's simple," was the response.
"Tell the one who died for you that you need His saving. Tell Him you need His freedom. Tell Him your a slave until you get what He has for you." 
The former slave girl got on her knees. She looked up to heaven. She cried out "Master! Make me free..." 
This is the only Master you will ever know who once you become His "slave,," He sets you free. You are His, but you are free for life. He will show you how to daily walk in your freedom..." She was told.  No more surviving. 
No more living in the cell...with the shackles on her feet.
No more wishing she could feel the freedom people told her she had.
It's time to really be free.
He died.
His life for hers. 
No more debt.
No more life shackled to the law of good behavior, and rules. Now she obeyed out of love for the one who set her free. And He would show her each day what this looked like.
The slave girl walked away freer that she had ever been. As she walked away she sang...
"Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me...
I once was lost but now I'm found..."
She was freed twice, the second freedom made the first more real. She finally got it. Her heart soared and she praised the one who set her free for good.
The cruel master she served was slavery to death, and sin and living in bondage. Her freedom was Jesus Christ. Her life was in His hands, and she could walk with freedom knowing He did this for her, so she could have freedom. The slave became free, knew freedom not, became a slave to Christ and experienced freedom like she never had before."

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." John 8:36

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians  5:1

"For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace." Romans 6:14

Insanely, crazy, over the top...

Insanely, crazy, over the top....
In love with Jesus.
I read a verse today that gave me a visual of who Jesus is for me. Thought I'd share it with you:
"My shield is MOST HIGH God." Psalm 7:10
When I think about a shield, I think about something that protects me from the darts this world throws at me. I think of the times I need a hug. I think of the times that I feel helpless. Alone. Afraid. Forgotten. These are the times when word picture is really helpful to me.
And my helper, do you know Him? It's Jesus.
Today the Lord reminded me a what a gift it is to be His child. I prayed this you know, last night. That I could simply experience the joy of being a child of His...and I have had that request answered in such a full way. I don't mind being vulnerable before you my friends because I want you to see the depths of peace that come from a relationship with Jesus Christ.
If I've lost my mind in your eyes that's a good sign. I'm so crazy in love and thankfulness to the one who saved my soul that I cannot think of enough words to express my love for Him. I have tears as I write this.
Assuming you friend have been in love before, the ache and longing you feel that rises up in your heart and throat, that makes feel like you might just pop if you don't get to see the one you love soon...? That's what type of feeling I praise Him from.
It's so easy to get lost in the worries of this life isn't it? Our human desires, our wish lists. Our "what if's and why not's."
Instead of sitting at the feet of Jesus and just simply gleaning all I could ever need from Him to be filled and satisfied, instead I run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make myself happy...
I like to run myself thin in my flesh trying to achieve happiness. Or what I think will bring me happiness for that day.
This type of living is like sleeping on one foot of your bed instead of allowing yourself the whole entire bed to sleep on. Living this way is like counting off and eating only 5 kernels of corn when there are a dozen ears available to you.
The solutions I create for my own satisfaction are an almost dead flashlight in comparison to the bright sun He provides for me.
Christ alone can satisfy me.
But beyond the way He satisfies me I think about my eternal home... He places in us a longing for more of Him as we walk this earth, and a desire to be with Him because He is our first love.
I wish all people everywhere could know of His love...I wish the whole world new of Him, and experience Him the way He wants us to. (myself included)
Every once and while I catch a glimpse of the "what it feels like" to be right where He wants me. In those moments I wish so bad I could see Him...touch Him...bow before Him.
But I do know that someday I will get to be with Him for all of eternity and bow before Him, His real person any time I want...I bet I could spend a whole day just staring at Him if I wanted to once I'm in heaven.
Honestly friends I'm struggling to find words to describe the love I have for Him...I suppose people over all time and space have also struggled with this same thing I am now.
I suppose the best way to describe it is that there are no words to describe Him and His love that He has for His children which in turn, fills us with love for Him and His people.
I went from, "show me your will..." to "fill me with you Lord..." because when we are filled with Him, His power and love, we start acting more like Him...and chasing after the things HE wants for us. After all, we would do anything for the one we are in love with wouldn't we?
I pray my words encourage you friend, and cause you to hit your knees and praise Him all the more simply for who He is, and for the inheritance that awaits you if you are a child of God.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus, and the things of earth will go strangely dim.

I figured out my problem.

Yes it's true. I've figured it out: I want everything to be perfect.
I always prided myself in being a person who has "no expectations" for circumstances, I always was a self-proclaimed, "spur of the moment kinda gal" and it seems I may have been wrong in my personal assessment.
  It seems as though every day has something new to offer, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but for the most part, if the conditions of my day are not meeting my own standard, I'm mad, frustrated and grouchy. Not pleasant sounding characteristics now are they?
How long have I been guilty of this? Oh, I'd say ALL MY LIFE.
I guess I'm glad I'm figuring it out now instead of on my death bed, but seriously friends, how long must I beat a dead horse before I realize the stupid thing is dead? OK. Rant is over.
I realize this about myself because each day is not supposed to be shaped according to my expectations, rather, I NEED to learn to wake up and say, "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." (regardless of how I FEEL.)
Acknowledgment of the problem is of course the first step in overcoming, and healing. BUT now what? I guess my best option is to hit my knees in prayer.
I look to His wisdom to teach me from here on out, because lets face it friends, on my own, "i've got nothin." (excuse the bad grammar)
I  have recognized the endless spin cycle I've been on, and the cycle has been on repeat for a while now. I just keep saying, "I'm gonna get this shirt clean till it's perfect..." so I keep putting it in the wash over and over and over again, thinking I might obtain perfection.
The perfect attitude, perfect health, perfect fitness, perfect children, perfect quiet time, perfect listening skills...why all this perfection? Because maybe THEN I'll be at peace. Maybe then I'll be wholly satisfied. Wrong. CONTENTMENT is found in Christ. Oh yes, I remember that Hebrews 10 talks about that.
Never will He leave me nor forsake me...
Or this one, "fix your eyes on Jesus...that author and PERFECTER of my faith"
Seems to me as though my eyes have been completely focused on my will...and my circumstances for my personal gratification and satisfaction. Anyone with me? Please say yes so I don't stand here alone...
O Jesus i'm so sorry...
I know that no one, or nothing can be perfect except Jesus...He alone is perfect and that's why He is my Savior. The only perfect One, the only ONE whose holy. The only one who's opinions matter.
God does what's best for me. Why do I keep forgetting this truth?!!!
It's hard to see Him and His wondereous glory when my eyes are so fixated on myself and my circumstances. This world is not my home.
Is my world frustrating? YES! It is!! Because I live on earth! SO don't fix your eyes on your frustration I tell myself...(and anyone else who's listening...because I'm the crazy person who's talking to herself out loud, very loud)
Do you experience sickness?! YES!!! Because your on a desolate land that was cursed with sin and sickness and death!!! Why? Because man sinned. Oh yes. I forget that.
I want my house to be perfect. I never want a speck of dirt on my floor. I never want kids's toys laying around. I want perfection. That's impossible. AND prideful.
I want a lot of things that don't line up with His perfect plans for me. The things I WASTE all my time and energy on are things that are no eternal value. Why am I so slow in learning this?!
What has eternal value?
Things that further the Kingdom. Focusing on ME less, and others needs more. OTHERS comfort more, comforting other in Christ...HE in turn will take care of me!
He gave me my sweet children. Now, will I hush them and tell them to leave me alone? No. I will not. I will engage them. I will teach them. I will nurture them. (in HIS strength)
Is this always FUN?! NO! It's not! It's sometimes really hard to do the right thing though! But here's the good part. When I am obedient, when I do what I know HE wants me to, He gives me all I need to do it. He fills me with joy, energy and patience. I start enjoying the job I was to tired to start, and I start doing it well. I start doing things the way I was CREATED  to them.
Jesus does not want robots. He made us with passions, loves, interests and abilities... how am I helping my kids to cultivate those things as I encourage them with my new found desire to lay myself flesh and self aside.
I believe what I am desiring is SPIRIT LED LIVING. Thriving. Not surviving. Passion. Not coasting.
There are days, where my days will not FEEL perfect. Feelings are fickle. Feelings are fading. Truth is what stands. What is the truth about each and every day I face?
1)I have the love of a Savior who died for me.
2)  His strength is available to me every single moment I call on Him.
3) I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives me strength.
4) I will screw up because I am a work in progress
5) His grace is all sufficient for me.
6) His power is made perfect in my weaknesses.

I can go on but I think you get the idea my friends.
I no longer think it's my life that's flawed completely, I think it's my thinking. I think it's flawed that in my thinking I place my joy and hope in my circumstances and in my approval on what a "good day" ought to look like.
How is it that Paul sang hymns in prison? (my life is a vacation to the Bahama's compared to his)
forgive me for my self-centered selfish outlook on life Lord!

And I sang with tear filled eyes on Sunday:
"Jesus, Jesus, your the answer to all I'm searching for. Your my strength, your my peace, your my hope in the stormy sea, your life, my very source, my guiding light, where ever I may go...your what my heart is long for...."

Can I get an amen. AMEN!

I told a lie.

Have you ever told a lie, and the second it was out of your lips your realized, "oh no, I just did that. WHY?!" There are usually a few reasons we tell lies. One of them is that were usually afraid of either the person or the outcome to which the lie will affect, or we are prideful because "people like me don't tell a lie?!"  But regardless, the lie is out and we are stuck. We are stuck now deeper than if we hadn't lied in the first place! For whatever it was that we lied about, just got worse because of the way we dealt with it! (dishonestly) Dishonest gain does no one any good.
The scene was this, I broke something of my child's, unintentionally, but it happened. And when my child asked me why, I lied. Why did I lie? I was afraid of my child's response, I was shocked at myself for breaking this toy, and I was also thinking, "I'm the mom, I don't have to be down and dirty honest with my kids all the time do I?" Or do I?
Yes I do.
So after a little time went by and the Lord told me what I needed to do, I went to my child, I got on my knees, I took my child by the shoulders and I told my child I was sorry. I was sorry because I broke the toy, but I was also sorry because I lied about how it got broken. Mommy was sorry. Mommy screwed up and it was not pleasing to God, or anyone else, that Mommy had lied.
I felt better, and I felt worse. The look on my child's face was mixed emotion, but my sweet child sat down in my lap, wrapped their arms around me, laid their head on my shoulder, and said, "It's OK mom. I forgive you."
Anyone else crying? WOW. If only I could respond that way when someone sins against me!
Maybe that is why Jesus always tells us to come to Him like a child.
I felt like I had gotten kicked in the stomach.
I told my child that mommy would pray and ask Jesus to help her not lie to them again. And I meant it.

Friends, I don't tell you this story to beat myself up, I tell you this story for a few reason, one is to expose the reality that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and it's never to late to ask for forgiveness.
I didn't want to deal with that issue but I knew I needed to. I had a little pride in my heart thinking, "I'm the parent, their the child, I shouldn't have to get to their level like that." But that is exactly what humbling thyself in the sight of the Lord looks like.
It's getting over yourself, and your fear of what might happen if you tell the person the real truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. But "honesty is a kiss on the lips" says Proverbs and I know it to be true.
The way I felt when I knew my child knew the truth, was better. WAY better.
There are many people who told lies in the Bible, none of them ended well with that lie. Adam and Eve ate fruit and lied to God about it, (Gen 2,3) Cain killed his brother Able and lied to God about it, Gen 4 Moses killed an Egyptian and lied about it, Sarah laughed when God said she would have a baby in her old age, and lied to God that she had laughed.( Gen 19)
God was not pleased with the people who lied in the listed examples! Did He forgive all these people? Of course! But did God condone their lies, No. He did not.
As believers, we are held to standard, but only for our own good.
Haven't you as parent's ever said, "I'm only doing this for your own good!?" And the frustrated child we are speaking to usually seems reluctant to believe our words..."If only you would listen to me!" we say as parents...
God is the same way.
He tells us not to lie because He knows what happens when we tell lies. Bad consequences, hurt feelings, hearts that are slower to trust the next time, and as a parent it's the worst, because I just modeled lying to my child.
I won't stay in regret, God forgave me, and so did my child but it is hard to realize how utterly depraved we are as humans if we trust in ourselves instead of God.
I hope my little post reminds you my friends that first all, we are all human in our mistakes, but your never too old, or too young, to ask for forgiveness.

" Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you carry it out on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

OUR CRAZY BEAUTIFUL LIFE: Love Like He Did

OUR CRAZY BEAUTIFUL LIFE: Love Like He Did

Emotion ( scum)

For a long time I have realized that emotions can get the best of us as humans. Especially when we remove ourselves from how God would like us to behave, respond, and react. I am great at "saying" I will act and respond one way (HIS way) ahead of time, but then in the end, I let my flesh have full vent. This my friends is not good.
Matthew 12:7 talks about how "He desires mercy NOT sacrifice." For a long time I was so confused by this verse but as the Holy Spirit has been teaching me, (through real life examples) that it's not about just going through the motions with a fake smile on your face. It's about living it, and living it out real. Heart emotions, and motives in line with HIS. Ouch, and hard to do when you are responding in the flesh. It is clear that there is no evil in God. He is perfect. Holy and righteous. I on the other hand when left to my own demise, am the scum of the earth. Actually, in my flesh I'm lower than the scum, I'm the bottom feeder fish that eats the scum. Or maybe I the parasite that eats off of the fish that eats the scum, but regardless, I'm in bad shape when I am left on my own. And God knows it.
He did make me, and yes, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I realize this. But the yuck that resonates in the hearts of the person left to live in their own fleshly state, yucky.
So I feel humbled. I feel humbled because I took a good look at how I am capable of responding when I respond on my accord, rather than tapping into the Lord's unlimited resources. I respond poorly every time when I respond in my own strength.
I doesn't matter any of the details but I am hear to testify to you my friends that when we respond in our own strength, and respond in a situation based on human emotion, it is a recipe for disaster. It's a recipe that blows up in the oven and tastes like death once it's served. It's a recipe that will never ever turn out. Ever.
Many people have tried to bake the cake called "Human based responses" because we start to think we are strong in our faith and "we've got this." (Wrong. It will be wrong every time mind you.) Does not matter how many cooking classes you've had, or how long you've been cooking. Everyone can fail at this recipe if they do in their own wisdom and strength.
"Out of the overflow of heart the mouth speaks."  Matthew 12:34

I've also heard that "when your squeezed by difficult circumstances, you see what comes out."
When real life situations press in on you, and your forced to take a little heat, what comes out in these difficult times is really what's inside of you. I've seen and witnessed certain people whom I admire that were squeezed, and out came patience, joy and peace.
Unfortunately when my little life example tube of toothpaste is squeezed, out squeezed a response of the flesh. It tasted like death and smelled even worse.
I don't want to self-ridicule myself, but I do say these things in honesty because I want whomever reads this to realize, we all have stuff we have to work on.
About the time we start to think we are figuring things out, that is the time we usually get  a situation of "squeezing.." AND we see what's really inside of us.
Now God is not in the business of letting us live with yucky stuff inside. He wants us to be pure and blameless because when I am pure and blameless, I am usable.
I want to be usable.
"He raised you up for such a time as this..." -book of Ester

I want Him to use me because if I am not being used by GOD I feel so empty. If I am living simply on my accord, for my plans, my will and my ways, I will fall almost instantly, not to mention I feel like a used paper towel. (gross) :)

I have had an area of my life lately where I have sensed the Lord saying, "this is not good." And of course, He tested me in that area. I did unfortunately fail the test miserably. BUT THANKS BE TO GOD FOR HIS GRACE. AND for His mercy that is new every morning.
And so far as the east is from the west so far have my transgressions been removed.
So I can still arise with the Lord and face His word, and take on whatever lessons He has for me in this new day.
I know it is by grace that I have been saved, not through works so that no one can boast. BUT I am finding myself even more aware that every step I take has to be kept in step with the Spirit because even if I run ahead two feet, I am in trouble. I will come across things in my path that make me stumble, but when I am fully clothed in His ability, I will not falter AS OFTEN as when I decide I will "go it alone this time."

I did sense the attitude of "I'm good, I've got this," that had begun to come over me, and that alone should have been a bright red flag. The attitude of "self sufficiency" has no place at the foot of the cross.
I am most usable when I am empty. Why? Because then He can fill me to the BRIM with usable stuff. The stuff that HE loves. Patience, kindness, goodness, self control, selflessness. That sort of stuff. That kind of good fruit. The fruit that is keeping with repentance. (Matthew 3:8)
The kind of stuff that James 3 talks about. The LACK of selfish ambition. For where you have selfish ambition you have all kinds of evil. (James 3:16)
Selfish ambition is just that. It makes me do all kinds of selfish things I really would never do if I only stayed close to Jesus.
You can not bring selfish ambition to the table when you intend to have a good witness.
Freshwater and salt water CANNOT pour from the same spring. It's just impossible..
"It is by grace I have been saved."
Thanking God for grace today. And walking forward into Monday a little more empty of myself, and of course, humbled.
" Above all else, guard you heart for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

When I forget to guard my heart, I extend an invitation for the yuck of the flesh to walk in and start taking over. Selfishness pulls up a chair, and self ambition unpacks her bags.
I do not want those things taking root in my heart. No. Never.
Jesus's home is my heart. His responses, His emotions, His ways are the only ways I want to have a place in My heart.
Thanks be to God for HIS grace.
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me."
He saved me from the grave, put an adornment of grace on my head, He took me by the hand and led me to a place, a rock that is higher than I. He set my feet upon the rock. Only there can I stand. Only IN HIM can I live.
Thank you Jesus for your grace and mercy that are NEW every day.