Desperate

Last night as I was contemplating Jesus, and how badly I wanted to hear audible words from Him, and what I wouldn't give to just see Him, and spend a day sitting with Him in real person, my heart ached for His physical presence.

I got the image of a person running through a forest, searching, desperate and looking frantically for another. Like how a desperate mother feels when she has lost sight of her small child while at the beach. She is desperate, she is frantic, looking.

I felt this way about Him last night. Looking, running, searching desperate for Him, and His words. I imagined myself in the days of when Jesus was walking on earth, and to know He was there, but not with me would drive me crazy.
I pictured myself slipping out the front door and running through the night, looking on every street corner, ever bunch of trees, every hill, every valley, until suddenly, I run into a clearing, and there He is, sitting on a bench waiting for me.
I start to weep! I found Him! There He is! I rush to His side, bury my face into His hug. "O Jesus! I was looking for you everywhere!!! I wanted to be with you so bad."

"I'm right here, come sit with me for a while.." He said. My aching heart was soothed. I was comforted. The sigh of relief from desperation slips from my lips. I'm content. I'm with my Master. I'm at peace.

There was another woman who felt this way in the Bible too. Mark 5:25-34

25 And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. 26 She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. 27 When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, 28 because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.”29 Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

30 At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”

31 “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ”

32 But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. 33 Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. 34 He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

She was desperate. She knew Jesus was her only hope for healing. Her only source for true freedom.
I've come to realize this too, and it has left me desperate for Him, more of Him, thankful for Him.

No matter the storm, Jesus can calm it, and if He does not want to take the storm away right away, He holds me up in the midst of it. Even if it doesn't look like how I thought it would, it matters not, as long as I'm with Him, I'm ok.

Duet. 31:6 Says this:

6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”


He is always, always, always with me. I need only to trust in His provision. I need to lean on His shoulder for my support. To be thankful in the midst of the trial, and be at peace in the storm as He is.

Lately the Lord has shown me that He is all I need. Even in the midst of struggle, trial and sorrow, I can be thankful.
Be thankful IN all circumstances. Not just after the trial is over, not just before the trial starts, but IN the midst of the trial, and I can be thankful, because I have something greater than anything words can describe: I have Jesus.

So here I sit, my head on His lap, His hands on my head. He comforts me. He encourages me. He gives me words of strength and encouragement ... I trust in no one else. I rest in Christ alone.

Psalm 40:1-3 is the thankful cry of my heart.

 I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

2 He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

3 And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.

Aligning With God (His plan, His way, NOT MINE)

"A Horse Is a vain source of hope." Says Psalms,
But in contrast,  David writes later in the Psalms, "With God I can scale any wall."
Isaiah 30 says, "woe to you who relies on Egypt.." and in contrast Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek first His kingdom and ALL THIS will be added unto you."

I don't know how many times I've read these verses, but never have I thought about their real implications of them. Anything against God, will fail. Really, this is what it states at it's core.
So when my rebellious heart says to itself, "I'm going to do this whether God likes it or not." I lie to myself and to God, in essence I think that I myself, A mere human being could win without the help of my God.

God, all powerful, who made me is greater than anything I could ever dream up, or build, or do. Any escape plan I formulate, any tactic, or help will not stand a chance against the omnipresent, all powerful, and all knowing God.

This is really to our benefit though, and yet so often we fight it.

We all have the plans that form in our heart, about how it is we intend to get what we want, but do we stop to ask "Is this what God wants?" before we plan? Before we build, before we scheme, before we buy and before we speak, do we ask the Lord of His desires for us?

Sometimes I do, and many times I don't.

"How do YOU O LORD want me to respond?" The Lord loves to lovingly direct and respond to His children, we need only to ask. And then watch to see what He does in response to our heartfelt question and request of direction.

"I want to do the Lord's will." I've said it a million times, but do I really? What about when God asks me to do something contrary to my desires? To give something up, knowing He has something unseen by me that is better...

So instead I fight, I pull and I drag my feet, but in the end, after the struggle, and I lay myself exhausted at His feet in surrender, and I get to the goodness I fought against, I see the pointless ambition in chasing after my own desires, instead of His.

But O the great grace of God. He is so patient with me, not wanting any man to perish. So carefully He directs me, so patiently He leads me, sometimes through difficulty, but never am I alone.

If I stay close to Him, if I listen to His voice, if I lay my head on His chest and listen to the heartbeat of His direction, O the peace I live in.
Even in trial I am in peace. Even in struggle I am thankful, even when I don't get what I thought I needed.

God does know best.

I want to align my heart with His. Align my desires with His. To want what He wants. To go where He wants me to go, knowing that it's in this dangerously wonderful place that I can finally rest.
There may be a storm waging ahead, and winds that threaten to topple, odds that stack up against me with staggering force, and circumstances that would make anyone question what God was doing..but we don't question. Why? Because of God.
God is God and we are not.
"Be still and know that I am God" He says.
"Trust Me"  He says. Why? Because He made us.

The rebellion of my heart astounds me at times. The waywardness of my desires flabbergasts me. But the patience of my God is what really shocks me.
He is so patient. So kind, so perfect.

He gently restores me, He teaches me, but with the best tactics. He instructs me so perfectly. And in the end, He makes me better.
He wants me to be the best version of myself.

I want to do His will. I want to be who HE wants me to be. I want to DO what He wants me to do. I want to obey. I want to live the life HE wants me to live. I want to minister where HE wants me to minister. I want to say the words HE wants me to say.

Psalms says this, "In His heart a man makes his plans, but the LORD directs His steps"

Jamie Grace sings this...."You lead, I'll follow, your hands hold my tomorrow, your will, your way, I know you've got me tenderly."

I think she says it best.

Praying earnestly that God will align your heart with His desires for you and watch as your flower unfolds. You may face trial, you may face difficulty, but woe to the man who thinks that they can succeed against the Lord.
God's forgiveness is always available, and His condemnation? It's gone when your in Christ Jesus, but don't take this as a free license to continue in your sin and rebellion.
God's grace is sufficient and His plan is perfect.

We can walk, rest and LIVE in this truth.

Forgotten how to INSPIRE

There is a song out right now that speaks of how all people everywhere are so busy trying to build their empires, they have forgotten how to inspire others, whether it be with the talents, gifts and abilities that God gave them, or with words, or actions. Regardless, we are a busy people, living busy lives, and we strive very hard to make the most money we can, and live the best life ( possessions wise) as though this will make us happy, all the while completely forgetting about how to inspire others. There are some days where my job of being a stay at home mom is anything less than an inspiration, in fact some days, it feel like I instead, slipped and fell in the mud. But God in His infinite grace, picks me up, dusts me off and shows me once again a renewed sense of the immense job HE gave me. The job of inspiring my children, pointing their faces heavenward, teaching them the deep and simple truths about Christ all throughout the day. As we walk along the road, ride in the car, sit around the dinner table and play with legos. There is always a time to speak His name, and the time is now.
The other place we inspire is at a place of employment, or in your sport, or with the excellence God has given you in a certain field of interest. God grants us many interests and abilities, and He expands our fields sometimes to grow you, and I for His Kingdom, for His glory.

God amazes me with His creativity, and all the different talents and abilities He gives people, and He fuels our abilities by placing us in situations in which our field of talent can grow, for His glory, but also....to Inspire others.

Have you ever thought about your abilities that way? That they are there to help and encourage others? TO lift others up? This means, also that there will be times that God expands you, promotes you, elevates you to be in a place where your name will get noticed, but the catch is this: He does not do this so our name can be known, and our empire can grow. He does this so that we can encourage, build up, give others more confidence and ultimately to bring His name more glory. This all happens when we respond in the God glorifying way, as opposed to the self glorifying way.

Ecclesiastes 5:11 says this:

" As goods increase, so do those who consume them. And what benefit are they to the owners, except to feast their eyes on them."

If my desire is to simply build my empire within my own home, to grow my own personal environment, then I am better off not doing this.

And then this verse, I find this next one to be the pinnacle for the spring board of my thinking:
Ecclesiastes 4:4

"And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person's envy of another. THis to is meaningless, a chasing after the wind."

Envy? Or Inspiration. That is my question. Are we striving, perusing, building and doing because we are truly just envious of someone else?  Essentially, we say that they had " it " and then we of course, were filled with desire for that same thing. So in many cases, we don't just want what they have, we compete with them and want what they have, only better.

I doubt this is how God intended for it to be. Don't you think? I think if He spoke audibly to us He would not commend our envy, our biting and devouring. It's not pleasing to Him, nor does it give His name any glory what so ever.

Rather, what if we did something different with our gifts, abilities and talents. We blessed and Inspired others. We set pride, envy and desire for more wealth aside, and we purely and simply gave God free reign with what we did, and how we did it. Spirit led talents, and design.

What if we said nothing of what "WE" did, but rather, thanked Him for an opportunity to encourage and inspire others, I wonder how much more content we would be.

Contentment, satisfaction and peace within our doings is really what we are all striving after. We love recognition because this makes us feel important, but what is importance really? To know that we were really something. That our life had meaning and purpose. For fame ,beauty and riches fade, and none of them can you bring with you when you die. Why not take what God has given you and use it to inspire others. God and only God can teach us how to leave a legacy of inspiration. And remember, it's not about our name being known, but His. If no one knows my name when I die, I care not. What I do care about is that through the way my life was lived, His name was famed, and those around me were encouraged and inspired. For His name, for His glory, I live by His grace.

The American Dream

Since the time we are children we see what type of life our parents were working towards.
One where they were free from care, concern and could buy anything they wanted. One where the cupboards were always full, (and topped with crown molding) and this is where peace was (is) found.

If you could list the American dream of a middle class working person it would most likely sound like this: Have the best job for their education, and have best and nicest house in their financial bracket, have the nicest car within their affordability, wear the nicest clothes that were within their means and eat out as often as their budget allowed.

The American dream for the stay at home mom, have a husband who provides for her and the family, a car that impresses her friends, enough money so she can freely buy what she wants for herself and the kids. A schedule that allows her to relax and do things for herself, and to be thin.

The American dream for the athlete, to be the best at what he/she does. To be at the top of the charts. To have people know your at the top of the charts. (thanks to Facebook this is really quite possible)  To have the latest gear, know the latest information so that you can perform at the top of your game for your identity to be known as one who does well, always!

So where then does the "dream" fit in for those who follow Jesus? I wonder what Jesus would think about my dreams.
I'm no different, I want the best for myself too. I'm selfish. I care sometimes too much about what other people think about me. I want to be the best at what I do.
But there is a shift in my thinking lately.
Here's why. If I do all I do for the glory of me, it's fading and when I die, so does all I worked so hard to attain. If I live for the latest the greatest and the most beautiful, you tell me how long that will last after I breath my last?
It's like I think I can take it with me to heaven.

Lately, the world has lost it's glimmer for me. Lately, the things of earth have begun to grow strangely dim. I am thankful for all He has blessed me with, and I would not for one second like to take it for granted, (although I do at times) But the reality of how absolutely fleeting and temporary this world is absolutely astounding me.

SO now, back to the American dream for the believer, here is my new list:
To do all I do, for the glory of God. To work my best for the King. TO live for an Audience of One, and to minister in any way possible to everyone I can.
To lay down my pride, and let others go first.
To NOT judge, and to not consider myself better or more important than another.
To NOT take for granted that which God has so graciously given to me.
TO take note of the little gifts and wonders in each day and to pray through every step I take.
So I take those steps, whether back or forward in His name, for His glory, for the purpose of His Kingdom.

My new American dream of course is absolutely unattainable in the flesh, (meaning in my own strength) but this sort of living would be better classified as "Spirit Led Living."

It's not that I scorn the nice things, or shun my athletic progress or turn my nose up a fancy new car, I actually admire their beauty, and enjoy their abilities as things God has created, but I don't idolize them nor should I ever make them my end all and be all.
That position belongs to Christ alone.
Do you get the difference? The shift has been made in my thinking and truly, all I once held dearer than dear has begun to become strangely dim.
I want what God wants for me. His dreams are my dreams. His aspirations are mine, and I want His dreams, because I know it's what's best.
There are days this is hard, but this is why I rely not on my own strength or ability to stay in this type of thinking and living. I rely FULLY on the grace and strength God provides.
Quite frankly, I want Jesus to come back right now.
But until I see the skies part and I go up in joy, I will live here as He designed me to, doing His bidding, and living my life for the glory of God.
I give Him praise for all He has blessed me with and I stare in wonder that the God of the universe would take the time to provide money for me to go to Starbucks. :) :)
Thank you Jesus, I live for you.

Trick or Treat, And Full Of Deceit

A day to dress up, do something fun, and get candy. That's it right? That's all it is! Harmless. Completely and utterly harmless.
That is how I felt about Halloween for many years.
I never really took the time to evaluate what Halloween was really about, and why it's celebrations were celebrated in the darkness, and centered around dark figures.
Ghosts, witches, vampires and the walking dead are all among the guests at this dark party. Blood, gore and sheer death were also welcome.
Come on in, and bring your innocent 3 year old with you. She's sure to love it.
So certainly not all Halloween parties reach that level of darkness, but even the children are dressed as vampires.
Do you know what vampires do? They suck blood. At least that's what they do in the stories you hear.
How about witches? They play with darkness, they play with black magic and they were far from pleasing to the Lord in the Bible times. I doubt He has changed His feelings towards them.
The truth about darkness is this: It defies the light. It shuns the light, it hates the light.
The scriptures tell us to "Put aside the deeds of darkness."

Why draw a line in the sand? Why make it so serious? I will tell you why. If it, (the thing) has anything to do with celebrating evil, darkness or satan himself, I will have no part.
I want no part in bringing glory to that which opposes the light.
All things good, pure and light, these are things that encourage, build up and give peace are what I ought to focus my attention on.

Many times our children have no clue what they are really celebrating, it's only known that we (adults) like to get dressed up too, we like a night to go out and be crazy and it's fun to have pretend blood dripping down your chin. Our children are watching.

"My children dress up like Moses, or Noah..." That's good. They can do that any day of the week though. And Noah and Moses would not have dared to venture into the celebration of death that we so carelessly raise our glass to each October 31st.

I have begun to pray already for darkness to retreat, praying over that day, and what it means for my neighborhood.
If only we had spiritual eyes and could see the enemy prancing around that night, enjoying his delightfully dark night.

Halloween is like Satan's birthday. That's what we call it at our house. We will not celebrate such a terrible thing.

I really do think that it's from pure and simple ignorance and being naive that keeps most of us from caring about the real implications of Halloween.
So we put up "cute" little ghosts in our yard, and funny looking skeletal figures with some nice red eyes, or green, and we say, Trick or Treat!

I hate how I was so duped for those years, duped into thinking that celebrating the dark for just one day, was harmless. I shutter to think that I gave the enemy glory as I dressed up my two and three year old. But I did it, because everyone else was!

Over the years, the Lord asked me to take a long hard look at the reason's why I felt bad saying NO to the evil that knocked on my door each Halloween night. My reasons were shallow, and so I laid aside my will. I said No to this form of evil, and I locked my doors to it. I prayed for Spiritual protection, and for God to guard my home on that night of darkness. I'm not afraid of the darkness, but I want my shield held high.

Perhaps you disagree, or perhaps you do agree and have never thought about this day, October 31st in such a way.
But either way I do challenge you examine your own reasons, and come up with a answer that falls in line with what God desires for you.

A Fruitful Vine (wives)

Psalms talks about how a man who serves the Lord and walks in obedience receives a reward. One of those rewards mentioned is a wife who is like a "fruitful vine."
Call me old fashioned but wives, have you considered yourselves to be a "reward" to your husband, and are our lives comparable to a "fruitful vine" as we work in our homes and with our children?
Are our husbands blessed by us when they walk through the door, or are we more of a curse than a blessing.
Many days I may just as well fall into the curse category. (unfortunately) I'm all worn out from my long day, and I am not particularly interested in how I can "be a blessing" to my husband.
After all, I worked just as hard as him I say to myself. Issue Number 1 with this starts here! It's in my thinking. I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm feeling exhausted by my endless list of "to do's" and I'm also feeling a little sorry for myself, after I all I tell myself, "my husband didn't have to do his job with a two year old screaming bloody murder all day." Depending on how mad I am I add a "fricken" in between bloody, and murder. (now you see the flaw?)
It's not a battle of who worked harder.
Here is where I find my road that starts to bring some clarity to my situation. Of course it starts with Jesus. It always does.
I realize I have been many things unpleasant which of course calls me to be thankful for "no condemnation" spoken of in Romans 8.
The next thing I focus on is this: Am I doing things God's way? Am I running my home, and raising my children the way God is leading me to? Or am I running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to frantically do all that has piled up on my "mommy do" list?
God never gives me more than I can handle. He says so in His word. So why do I feel squished by my life's long list of "must get done.." (now)
Perhaps it's me, perhaps I'm the problem. (what a thought huh?) Just maybe I am placing too much on myself, and then feeling guilty when it's not accomplished, and then scooping an extra heaping spoonful of condemnation on my plate after it's all said and (not) done.
I squish myself with my own expectations!
So now what?
Of course, my answers begin with Jesus, and end with Him.
I must rely on Him. And literally pray through my list, and see if it's lining up with His will for me. He may very well want me to scrub my bathroom grout with a toothbrush, organize the basement and clean all the kids's rooms, but I better not dare to start any of those tasks without His strength.
Otherwise my strength is gone before I've even begun. And then, the part about where my husband comes home to a "fruitful vine" simply gets tossed out the window.
How can I be fruitful in my home, and not fatigued to the point of collapsing by 8pm? I start my day differently for starters. I begin, by being with Jesus. Spending time in His word, focusing on all that HE has in store for me helps me to gain focus. Then I give Him my desired "to do's" and wait for the peace to show up! As I'm doing my own list, on my own clock and in my own strength, my peace in pretty much non-existent. But through careful watchfulness, I see His hands pointing me in the directions He wants me to take for that day, and once I get His blessing to carry on, I do so!
Obviously there are certain tasks that are non-negotiable, I have to feed my family, making meals and such, also, my family needs clothes to wear, so the laundry must be done, my kids need clean clothes for school and my husbands shirts need to be dry and ready for him, but God will lead me when the best time is to do even these things! Should I make dinner ahead of time? And how much time do I have, so I even pray about WHAT to make! Yes! Everything I do is prayerful, and in that I find my peace. God may want me to sit with my children and play tea set with them instead of scrubbing the floor! He may prompt a spiritual and life-changing conversation with one of my children if I am resting with them on the couch, that I would have otherwise missed if I was out doing something else! The wonderful thing is that I never have to wonder, I need only ASK Him and He will supply me with the understanding and strength to be ALL He desires me to be for Him, for His glory, for His purpose and Kingdom! And as a mother and wife, my very first priority outside of Jesus is serving and ministering to my family.
As I began my week, I was more like a dead bush that fruitful vine, but as I poured out my heart the Lord, realizing I was feeling dry and dead, He breathed His life into me, and green leaves begin to grow as He waters me with His truth and love.
Joy sprouts little buds and peace digs deep roots, and when my husband opens the door tonight my prayer is that instead of a dead plant of a wife, He will find a blossoming fruitful vine, a wife that truly is a blessing to him!  

The Life I Long to Live

O How I wrestle to have control.
Wrapping my mind around the truth that "this life is NOT my own, " seems to be the ongoing song I sing. (or that is sung over me)
Recognizing that I am apart of His (the Lord's family) is an amazing truth all on it's own, but then when I face the reality that since I am apart of His family, I am also apart of something bigger than my "own little world."
Why is it so hard to get outside of myself? To see the bigger picture?
Many times it's because I am focused on the temporary, and other times it's because I have not spent the time to stare into the face of Jesus. (reading His Word)
You see, when we look at Jesus, our worlds begin to make more sense.
When we look at Jesus, we instinctively want more of Him. His gaze is intoxicating and we find everything we have ever needed in life to be fulfilled as we look at Him.
What we once thought we wanted fades into the distance as we look into the face of the Lord.
All I once held dear grows strangely dim, as the song says.
It's weird, and it's like this: We live in the world, but we are not OF this world. We are here, but were not to be sold out for "here." We operate in the now, and live for our eternal home.
We enjoy what we have, knowing what He has for us in heaven is 100 million times better. We let go of our own selfish desires because we know when we let go, He places in our hands HIS better plan.
What I want matters not, not because God doesn't care, but instead because God cares more than I could ever know... He cares too much to give me what will not benefit me.
It's a hard concept for the child to understand, but the parent sees what the child does not. And so the child wakes up each morning, looking to their parent for what will happen that day. The child makes all kinds of crazy requests, and of course the parents do try to take all those requests into consideration. But at the end of it, the parent makes the call based on what is best for the whole family. For everyone involved, and at the heart of it, is to do what is best for the children. So as I come to God with my "wish list" of the direction I would like my life to go, I know He, the loving parent, considers all my requests with deep love. And then, makes the choices based on His sovereign will and ultimate wisdom.
And I the child, rest in that.
I don't need to know where I am going, because I know the one who traces my steps.
Why should the one who see's only a corner of the map lead the way, when the one who CREATED the map and it's many routs is sitting next to me? Why should I drive, when I am blind, and lost? Would I rather have the one who has clear vision, and deep understanding of the terrain drive instead?
My life is not my own.
And why do I trust Him?
The explainable happens when we trust Him. Fear washes away. Joy returns. Peace takes over. And I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be.
I don't need fancy arguments, I don't need endless genealogies. I don't need all the greatest philosophical descriptions to prove to me how, what, where and when. Instead, I place my life into the hands of the one who spoke the earth into existence. I fix my gaze with His, and I step out onto the water. Knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that on the other side of my last breath lies the Kingdom my whole being craves. In the presence of the One my heart loves.
So yes, there are days that this life does not makes sense to me. There are days my human ability to comprehend simply is maxed out. (for lack of a better term) But what I will tell you is this: I know the one who conquers sin and death, who walks on water, who speaks life into being. Who places children in wombs, and builds empires, tears them down, and wins the final battle.
I am on the side of grace. I am in communion with the One who holds all things together. And so, on the days that my vision is cloudy, I fix my eyes on Jesus, and everything important suddenly comes in view, and the stresses of this world, fade away.
He is enough. He is all I need. He is all I want. And His ways, in my life are what I want.
(not in my own strength, but in His, for His glory.)
Jesus, it's all for your glory, for your plan, my life is in His hands.