I Come First.

Well, that's what Ive been saying to God lately, and many others who are in my life. I may not be saying it with my words...but I'm saying it with my actions. Let me explain.
The Lord led me to the book of Haggai, I know, it's an interesting selection and I questioned Him on it as well, but quit my resisting when I came to this verse:
"You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why? declares the Lord Almighty...BECAUSE OF MY HOUSE, WHICH REMAINS IN RUIN while each of you is busy with own house." Haggai 1:9,10
I have made comments before on how I have struggled in my asking God, "why?" with my sickness, and all the other problems that accompany my pregnancies...and when the answer never came, I've gotten angry. At times, I've let some of that anger go, but some has remained. It's remained and been directed at those around me in ways I'm sure that they are not even aware of, and I tend to write it off on the sickness and say, "I can't help being mad, I'm sick!"
Oh but friends...I can help it.
And God is telling me this. I do not come first. This life is not about me.
You may think that I am being hard on myself, but I am not....let me explain why I am not...
Each of us has something we deal with, we are molded and shaped through those trials in our lives, and hopefully emerge on the other side a better person...we are learning to better work for the King and in dealing with our pain as He would desire, we grow, and learn and become more like the image of Christ. There may not be a literal church that the Lord has asked me to rebuild, but I have told in a few short words and actions, that my needs are going to come before His because I am sick, and fragile and have no extra energy for anything. Telling others I can't commit because of my situation, and being down-hearted towards those who are "up" because I can't believe how perfect their lives look compared to mine.
This sickness is not curse. It's not a "I'll show her" from God, but it is a wake up call to my own selfishness. In many ways I have told my family that I come first, even down to the baby inside me as I have used caffeine to wake me up, and sleeping meds to put me down, because that is what I needed!!! Not really thinking that much about what would be best for the life inside of me
You may think I'm being nit-picky towards myself, but I'm not...I'm finally being honest.
I feel bad for the attitudes in my heart and I begrudgingly do some of the things the Lord has asked me to do despite my sickness. I started to ask Him if had noticed how miserable I am down here? Of course He sees. He wants me to be well. And I will be some day soon...but in the meantime, when my trial remains, I must not put God's desires on the back-burner. I can't tell you how many times even in these blogs that I have said, "I want God's will, His best to be in my life..." and I do want that, but it might take moving myself over a bit to make room for that to happen! It's one thing to have nice words, but an entirely different thing to have actions that line up with that.
These people in Haggai, they were doing the same thing. This is what God said of them.."You earn wages only to put it in a purse with holes in it." vs.6b
I have been doing a bit of that myself. I blogged last time that there "was all kinds of goodness to be had in today.." and that my friends is only the beginning when I start to build His church first, and tend to mine later with the energy He supplies me with.
I don't take this is that God is angry with me, but He wants me to learn something! And I'm all ears, because I've literally been running on EMPTY for weeks now and as our Pastor described on Sunday, that is called "burn out..." and of the direct symptoms of this is a "loss of empathy" and I certainly have had that as of late. My husband came in from a run the other morning and was all excited about his good time. I, unable to be excited for him because of my miserable state of existence, hardly smiled as I said, "Good job. I'm going to bed now."
Friends, loss of empathy eats your joy.
Building your own church first eats your joy, your life and your reasons for living.
God will be giving you what you need when you put Him first. He who promised is faithful! And He will supply me, and you with all that you need when you tell Him that your needs are not nearly as important as His needs for you.
I know, I know....it feels like I'm always talking to you all about "giving stuff up.." but this is for real my friends...when He's in charge, things just work better. ALL things.
So to those I've said, "I come first too," I'm sorry. And to God above all, I say, "Please forgive me..." because I recognize my wretched state. I'm not sure why He wants me to build churches for Him, I'm not a very thankful worker. But I'm starting over...and I'm giving it all back, and I'm saying today, That HE comes first.