MORE

I know it's human nature, to want more. And once we've received "more.." we instinctively want just a little bit more, maybe just one More...

I've been wrestling with God about having More. Wanting More....knowing that what I desire is a good thing in and of itself...and often what we want is good.

But is it the best? The best for us? Only God knows that. And that of course is what I'm struggling with.

What led me to this thinking was this, in the book of Isaiah, it tells of the story of when King Hezekiah fell ill. Essentially, God told the king that he was going to die. It was a sure thing. The king of course did what any normal human being would do, and in his grief stricken state, fell before the Lord and begged for more. In the king's case, it was more years, more life...and life in and of itself...is good.

Ultimately, God honored this prayer and granted the king 15 more years. The king was thrilled with this, and vowed to praise God the rest of his years.

This story troubled me, and encouraged me all in one. Number one, it encouraged me because it's living proof that our prayers make a difference...but it troubled me because instantly I thought this..." who wants to know how many years they have left? who wants a cap put on their "more" "

And so, I began to put words to my thoughts.

I admit, wanting more has always been apart of my desires as a Mom. When I had one, I wanted two, and when I had two, I hit my knees and begged God for three. He gave me Grace. He gave me Grace and after I received Grace I told Him I'd really like one More.

This is where I'm sitting, and it's a hard place to sit, because I've had Dr's tell me, one More, would be too many, and life threatening to me. After I sobbed through my Dr's apt. and then sobbed through the rest of my day I began to pray. I went to the Lord and told Him, as Hezekiah did, that I wanted More...than I couldn't believe that this was "the end for me.." Just like Hezekiah, I'm young. He was only 39 I heard when He received His death sentence, and that is young for a King. I am only 27. That is young for a mom to be told, "no more."

I feel a little emotionally removed from this as I write this, and I think it's because I've sobbed all I can. It's not something I'm ashamed of, I know that I have done all I can to honor the Lord in my mothering. And yet, for some reason, this is what He seems to want for me. I am in crisis with my sentence and I know not what else to do, except do as I have done, and said this to the Lord...

"OK Lord, it's yours. I'm giving it back to you. You know my heart, my motives, my desires. Not all of them are good, and I confess that. And just as I said before when I was begging for "Grace", I say the same now...I want you more than I want More. For in you, is peace. IN you is joy, and without you, I have nothing."

I just came to a place where I could say this today. I'm sure I will weep about this more, and I'm sure I will question my trust in Him from time to time. But God is God...and I am not.

I want my joy back. I want my fear to be gone. I want my desires to line up with His. The only way I know how to make this happen, is to do what I am doing here. Confessing my desire for more, and laying it out before the Lord. I am CONVINCED that HE KNOWS BEST. He already gave me "Grace..." and as my eyes fell on the statement I'm about to share with you, I realized where I need to be. " Has His Grace to you caused you to be encouraged to live by faith in Him?" I can honestly say, that I have not be very encouraged since He gave me Grace. Until right now. I see something new in this. Yes of course I was blessed beyond belief to receive Grace, and I was thrilled that He answered my prayer and gave me Grace. But in the back of my mind, as thrilled as I was with Grace...I also wanted More.

God may not want me to have More. And just as I was uncertain if God wanted to give me Grace...I must do as I did then, and place my desire for Grace, and my desire for More, in the same place. And that place...is the foot of the cross. There is an element of just being thankful for what I have that also must come into play...so let me just say, for the record, I am BEYOND thankful for what I already have been given!!!!

So there it sits, my More. My More will sit there until either God gives me an answer, or brings me home. And I don't know when either of those things will be.

So as I hold God's Grace in my arms, I thank Him. And I wait patiently, knowing that if More is to be given to me, it's in by His means, and in His plans.

Biologically, I am told, More is not an option. But, I also know that in Him, all things are possible. So I trust. And I wait, knowing His way, is best and His answers are worth waiting for. Grace is living proof of that!!!!

So whether you my friend are in the waiting place, the place of acceptance, the place of denial, the place of grief...know this, if you are to have More...it will be. Because God is in the business of giving you whats best for you. And His best for you, is the only place we ought to be, all other places, are just mere cheap imitations of joy. And I for one, want the real deal. So whatever that looks like...I'm going to be there. And not just say I'm going to be there, I'M REALLY GOING TO BE THERE.

Who's with me? If I never have More, I know that God has already given me His best.