Say it in love

I find myself so often trying to mince words, or simply avoid conversations all together, thinking that then the conflict with just "disappear." It never does. Avoidance is not a solution, it's a aggravation. Stuffed feelings only simmer down their deep inside of you and eventually, they will come to a full boil, and boil right out. (most likely in the wrong way)

I am learning this and after almost 7 years of marriage, I am learning it still is a challenge to deal with things head on, but it's worth it.

So you and "so and so" are having an issue about "this" but rather than talking about "this" you talk about "that" and anything else you can think of, making full circles around your issue but never actually discussing this issue. This is a recipe for disaster. Simmer turns to boil, and boil turns to full out explosion. (sometimes inward, but usually outward)

So we go on dealing with this avoidance by discussing with everyone and their mother about our issue except the person we really need to be talking to. It's like in grade school when Suzy bugs you, but instead of telling Suzy, you tell all of Suzy's best friends, Suzy's aunt who lives next door and Suzy's brother (who you think is cute) but you never tell Suzy. We need to stop this madness. Suzy needs to know she bugged you so that Suzy and you can work on it. (me too) and instead of saying "I need to get over this" over and over again, we need to deal with it so that we can actually get over it.

So how do we do this? One thing that sticks out to me that I often fail to do is pray about it. I commonly just go to my husband if I have an issue with someone, talk it out with him and the decide to get over it. But eventually, it comes back up again, because that one conversation only proved to smooth my ruffled emotions for a short time, and now my hackles are raised once more because another offense has occurred and now the previously stuffed issue has reared it's ugly head again. Avoidance is not a solution, it is an aggravation.

Now that we are all fully aggravated and we have lost count of the offenses that have been stored up in our minds and hearts, and now the job of telling Suzy the real reason we're avoiding her is going to be a whole lot harder.

When I take my issues with others (we all have them) to the foot of the cross, and kneel before the Father, extending my open hands with my issue laying in them, I suddenly feel as though light is shone on my issue, and I see it as He sees it. Instead of seeing how I was wronged, I see how Suzy is hurt. Instead of being aggravated by Suzy's behavior, I see the pain behind the behavior, and my heart begins to melt. Now, I might be more ready to talk with Suzy about my frustrations, because now I am speaking in love. And I'm also not avoiding anything. I'm dealing with conflict, in love. This my friends, is the very best way to change hard feelings, to change hurt, to change bitterness, to change stuffed anger. This is the best way to turn aggravation, into peace.

So as I sit down with Suzy, I say this: " I see your really hurting. I feel that their must be a whole lot of pain in your life. How can I pray for you? Let me tell you how I perceive it when you say "this" to me, and why you say it like "this". It hurts my feelings. How can I help you? I love you....and I want to encourage..."

Doesn't that sound better? Can you imagine how our relationships could be transformed if this is how we dealt with conflict? I have my work cut out for me, but the beauty of this is that I do not deal with this in my own power. I do it in the all-surpassing power of Christ. His power is available to me, His help is always there, and all I need to do is to humbly ask Him for the strength to say what right, to say it how He wants me to say it, and have the love for the person I am in conflict with, to love them as HE loves them. And I would be willing to bet that by the time you sit down to talk with Suzy, your anger is almost completely gone. That would be a very good indication that your ready to talk. The absence of anger when it used to overwhelm, means God has done His work in you and now He can use you in a way you never imagined. I think this is how "loving your enemies" becomes possible. Your enemy is truly just a person your disliking, or having intense conflict with. We all have them. But let us let God redefine our conflict. This is how God spells conflict. L-O-V-E.