Stuff You Don't Intend To Share

The Lord has told me to "go there." You know, that honest place that usually you don't comfortably share from??? That place that you say to yourself, "If I say this out-loud, it makes it real..." Yes that is the place the Lord has asked me to go. So here I go.
I have always loved children. And once I had my first, I wanted 32. (maybe not that many but close) and there are two real reasons why I love children. The first reason is because they are such a blessing. Truly, my biggest blessing outside of the redemptive work of Christ. The second reason I think I love them so much is because I have now been told, I can't have anymore. Or rather, I shouldn't have any more.
I sometimes feel a little guilty saying "more" because  I realize how abundantly blessed I am to have three. I have one in heaven that we lost early on, but I have three in my arms as I speak. And that is huge. I feel hugely blessed. And yet, when I heard the Dr utter the words, "A fourth child would be life-threatening to you..." I died a little inside. (not to be too dramatic) but in all honesty that is how I felt. Of course my longing for more came with many mixed emotions. "Be thankful for what you have..." Said one voice. Another voice said, "How could you be so ungrateful, quit pinning away over something you don't have when you already have so much." And there is a thread of truth in both of those voices. But a I sat on the cold hard medical table, holding my 3rd child, my new born third child, the Doctor's words were as thick as mud, and cold as ice. "She should be your last..." "My last..." The words rang out and hit me in the stomach like a sledge hammer. The tears were hot on my cheeks and the lump was heavy in my throat. My last. And I lifted my face heavenward and began to ask the Lord..."why..."
I don't think He was mad at me for asking why. The months following were somewhat filled with mix emotion filled days. One moment I'd be so thankful for what God gave me, and thinking, "How could I ever ask for more..." and other days I'd have to pull myself up off the floor from my heap of tears, knowing that everything my human heart longed for, (more children) would not be fulfilled or "satisfied" on this side of heaven, I ranged from hopelessness, to "what the heck is wrong with you..." and so went the saga. My poor husband was drug through the trenches with me. Some days I'd share with him and other days I'd bottle it up, but I think he knew deep down that regardless of how I looked on the outside, the battle to give God control of everything in my life was a tough one, but one that he could not fight for me. I had to give up before I could let The peace of the LORD sink in. I was holding on so tightly to the "dream" I had that I was forfeiting all the joy the Lord was extending to me with open hands.
So here I sat in a place of "what now?" for quite some time. Wrestling with the Lord over my determined fate. Questioning, and begging for a different answer. An Answer I liked. An answer that fit MY plan for my life. But as we often find along the road, our plans are quite frequently different that His plan for us. And He gently reminded me in many different ways, that He is the potter, and I am the clay.
As time passed, I ran to other places for false security.I rested in a place of false security for a while last year, and then fed my new dream with new lies. I found something earthly that satisfied me for a bit, but of course, man made sources of peace to not fill the void long term. And Christ and His truth is the only real answer to our longings, black holes...and pain.
I was in a place where He was asking me to trust HIS place for MY life, and to trust that HE had something better for me than anything that I had ever imagined up in my own human thinking.
As I buried myself in His truth, in His promises, in His Word, I began to sense the shift of "How could this be happening..." To..."Lord, I want what you want for me." And if this is what you want...teach me how to thrive in this place. Is this what I had imagined for myself? No. It was not. My healing had not come. My "problem" was not gone, and my fate remained the same.
It was as if I kept hearing Him say, "don't look at this with human eyes...trust me." So I prayed for eyes to see what He saw, and heart to accept His plan.
This plan of His is still very much unknown to me. But since that difficult day in January of 2011...when my "fate was sealed," I have come so far. My thinking has changed. I have begun to daily, take my eyes off of my circumstances, and placed them on my heavenly Father. I daily thank Him for the three blessings (four really) He gave me in the children I hold in my arms now...but THEY are not my Savior, they are blessings, not the answer though. And even more children would not be the final answer I believe...
What God is teaching me here is this: I am His. His plan is best...and my peace lies in chasing after Him, and laying down all I "once held dear.."
I am a living sacrifice to my King. My longings are His. My desires are His...my hopes and dreams and plans, yes, they are all His as well. The sick in the pit of my stomach comes back once and a while, you know for a time it hit whenever I saw another woman holding a child in her womb, but whenever the sick came back, I handed it to Him. He reminds me constantly to not let someone else's blessing steal my peace. Their blessing is theirs...and mine is just for me. He has a different plan for me than He does for others...and slowly I have begun to rejoice with those who rejoice because I know, His plan is best.
Is it easy? No. The narrow road is NOT easy. Is honestly easy? No. But it's best. I transparency easy? No, but it's what I'm called to be.
Someone once said, "Don't waste you pain. Use it to give God glory..." So what the enemy would have loved to be to my detriment, God is using for my betterment. I am a better person because my plan did not work out.
I don't claim to know what the Lord has in store for my future....But I am OK with that. How can I be? Because I trust that if He allowed this challenge into my life I have faith that He will only do something amazing with my trials. Can I trust the one who gave up His life for me? Who took my pain and sorrow and sin and hung it on the cross with Him when He died for me many years ago? Yes. That is a Savior I can trust.
I hope my story, or testimony gives you hope in your pain and trials. I have peace knowing that my trials are first of all making me look more like my Father, but they are also hopefully strengthening others to trust Him as well.
He has in many ways turned my sorrow into laughter, and I know His work is not done yet. Stay tuned...who knows what He has in store for me here, but I will be sure to fill you in when I know. Blessings can come in raindrops.

It must be taught... (Wives)

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the role of the wife/mother, the woman's "role" in her home, and life. As a wife, I am learning, that just because we have a wedding, and then give birth to children it is not always easy for me to render my own desires for that of another. Rather, to surrender my way and will to the desires of my husband, who at the end does get the final word in our home. He does love me as he ought, which means he considers my desires and wishes, and through prayerful Godly wisdom makes the right choice for our family, and I can say I cannot think of a time where he has painfully steered us wrong. He is a good leader, so for me, it now becomes a choice. A choice to lay down my will. My desires that well up inside of me to be in control. My desires to lead the way, to charge ahead, and say no to the order that God placed over us. God made man first. God, asked woman to be His helper. Man needs a helper. It's true. We do need one another. Have you ever seen a home that has been left unattended by a woman for a week or so if she has left town, its a sad sight. But, have you ever seen a woman try to "do it all" with the home, children, finances, yard, work and everything in between? It can be done, but its very difficult. There are certain cases where abandoned women do have to do this, but in a perfect world that woman is being helped by outsiders, and she is given a grace and a strength that is special to her, from the Lord. (I believe)  That was a bit of a tangent but I think it was worth addressing.
SO what am I getting at here? I doubt that what I am saying here is a very popular view with most women today, and I am the first to say, this is not an easy thing to do, to accept this role. But let me tell you something girls, this role, the calling? It's a high calling. The calling to love your family, respect your husband, and serve them. I need to add who's strength we are serving in however. If you simply pull yourself up by your bootstraps and say, "I'm going to lay myself aside and do this thing." Well you will fall. Maybe not right away, but doing something by sheer determination is not good enough for the span of a lifetime. Not only is that avenue exasperating, it's not how it's intended to be. Rather, the Maker of the order of the family, also wants to empower you to fill that role. He wants to show you not only HOW to do it, but He wants to be the means by which you do it. He wants to fuel you. He wants to lead you and guide you into the best way to fill the role He gave you. If you have a husband right now  it is safe to say that God wants you to be wife. If you have children it's safe to say that God wants you to be a mother. Now I find rather ironic that in the book of Titus, Titus states that older women need to "TRAIN the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self controlled, and pure, to be busy at home and to be kind, to be subject to their husband." (Titus 2:4-5) Isn't that interesting? We have to be trained to do what most people probably assume is to come to us naturally. No, love is not organic. Sure, it's easy to love those easy to love, and sometimes it's true, our children and husbands are easy to love. I have those moments. :) But most of the time, we choose to love. Most of the time through Godly leading, wisdom and good choices, we train ourselves to love people even when it's hard. We have choices to make, because as soon as the "warm fuzzy" goes away in marriage or in mother hood, then all of a sudden your at war with yourself. You want your way. You, as a women have a need! And it's true. You do have needs. And it's especially hard to put down your own desires when the one whom you are putting them down for does not appear to appreciate the sacrifice. I feel that way all the time. I forfeit my shower so I can make the kids cupcakes, and then they won't eat them. Really?! I think?! I sacrificed for you! Your so ungrateful!!! But then I have begun to realize...I have a constant source of peace living right inside of me, and I nearly almost always, forget to tap into that peace. My best advocate lives with me in my soul. He knows what I need. So when I am following His leading, His plan or ordained way, I know He is doing what is best for me. He is always working for me.
SO say in the case of a wife whose husband keeps making bad choices for her family, she can do her best to follow hard after God, place her life in the hands of the very capable Father, and also place her husband and his seemingly bad choices in the Fathers hands. She can do all that the Father leads her to do, and she can respect her husband even through the challenges, because she knows the Father is really in control. In cases of abuse it's clear that women should not sit and be abused, but in cases where a women is disagreeing with what the man is doing, she can be confident of one thing, as she the wife, respects her husband, the authority that the Lord placed over her, she can be at peace even if her circumstances are less than desirable. For our peace and hope are not found in our circumstances, but rather in our Savior.
What we have in our lives right now, is fleeting. It's not eternal. God, His Kingdom and His plan, that is eternal. If we can focus on this one thing when things get difficult on the home front, we can be at peace. We fix our eyes on Jesus, trust that His plan for us is perfect and walk forward being women of truth, women of conviction, women who love, respect and submit to their men, we know that HE, Christ, is our advocate. This is the way things were intended to be by the design of the creator.
You will see this format written all over His word. And now, I want you to know, there is joy found in this. There is peace found in this. There is contentment found in this. There is no such thing as a perfect man. The man who is cuter, nicer and stronger than your husband, the one you imagine when you and your husband are fighting, that man does not exist. The only man who exists if you are married, is your husband. We need to learn, we need to be trained, how to love our husbands and children. SO in the event that you see a man other than your husband who happens to catch you eye, and you are feeling tempted in your minds eyes, (your heart and meditations there of) call upon the Lord for His strength, and then ask the Lord to overwhelm you with love for your husband. Wives, if you do this, you will see the change in yourself, and it's a little surprising at first when you begin to feel the warmth of His love, well up in your heart for your husband and children, that formerly felt completely empty of love. But friends, God can be surprising! He surprises me all the time with what He does, and can do with a heart that is willing to let Him make some changes.
Think about this wives....It's worth your time. Truly. It's the difference of having a semi-bearable marriage verses a marriage that is thriving, growing and just plain fun.
I love my husband, we have had our ups and downs, and trust me, many times early on I thought divorce would be my best friend. But I have to tell you, I am so glad the Lord grabbed a hold of me, lifted my gaze to His, and showed me a better way. It's just what you do when no-one is watching, it's what you pray that no-one but the Father hears...it's in the quiet places that the change happens...but that is how you know the change is for real. He is the reason, the source, and everything in between. Jesus is the difference. Love you sisters in Christ. You know I will pray for you as you read this.