Stuff You Don't Intend To Share

The Lord has told me to "go there." You know, that honest place that usually you don't comfortably share from??? That place that you say to yourself, "If I say this out-loud, it makes it real..." Yes that is the place the Lord has asked me to go. So here I go.
I have always loved children. And once I had my first, I wanted 32. (maybe not that many but close) and there are two real reasons why I love children. The first reason is because they are such a blessing. Truly, my biggest blessing outside of the redemptive work of Christ. The second reason I think I love them so much is because I have now been told, I can't have anymore. Or rather, I shouldn't have any more.
I sometimes feel a little guilty saying "more" because  I realize how abundantly blessed I am to have three. I have one in heaven that we lost early on, but I have three in my arms as I speak. And that is huge. I feel hugely blessed. And yet, when I heard the Dr utter the words, "A fourth child would be life-threatening to you..." I died a little inside. (not to be too dramatic) but in all honesty that is how I felt. Of course my longing for more came with many mixed emotions. "Be thankful for what you have..." Said one voice. Another voice said, "How could you be so ungrateful, quit pinning away over something you don't have when you already have so much." And there is a thread of truth in both of those voices. But a I sat on the cold hard medical table, holding my 3rd child, my new born third child, the Doctor's words were as thick as mud, and cold as ice. "She should be your last..." "My last..." The words rang out and hit me in the stomach like a sledge hammer. The tears were hot on my cheeks and the lump was heavy in my throat. My last. And I lifted my face heavenward and began to ask the Lord..."why..."
I don't think He was mad at me for asking why. The months following were somewhat filled with mix emotion filled days. One moment I'd be so thankful for what God gave me, and thinking, "How could I ever ask for more..." and other days I'd have to pull myself up off the floor from my heap of tears, knowing that everything my human heart longed for, (more children) would not be fulfilled or "satisfied" on this side of heaven, I ranged from hopelessness, to "what the heck is wrong with you..." and so went the saga. My poor husband was drug through the trenches with me. Some days I'd share with him and other days I'd bottle it up, but I think he knew deep down that regardless of how I looked on the outside, the battle to give God control of everything in my life was a tough one, but one that he could not fight for me. I had to give up before I could let The peace of the LORD sink in. I was holding on so tightly to the "dream" I had that I was forfeiting all the joy the Lord was extending to me with open hands.
So here I sat in a place of "what now?" for quite some time. Wrestling with the Lord over my determined fate. Questioning, and begging for a different answer. An Answer I liked. An answer that fit MY plan for my life. But as we often find along the road, our plans are quite frequently different that His plan for us. And He gently reminded me in many different ways, that He is the potter, and I am the clay.
As time passed, I ran to other places for false security.I rested in a place of false security for a while last year, and then fed my new dream with new lies. I found something earthly that satisfied me for a bit, but of course, man made sources of peace to not fill the void long term. And Christ and His truth is the only real answer to our longings, black holes...and pain.
I was in a place where He was asking me to trust HIS place for MY life, and to trust that HE had something better for me than anything that I had ever imagined up in my own human thinking.
As I buried myself in His truth, in His promises, in His Word, I began to sense the shift of "How could this be happening..." To..."Lord, I want what you want for me." And if this is what you want...teach me how to thrive in this place. Is this what I had imagined for myself? No. It was not. My healing had not come. My "problem" was not gone, and my fate remained the same.
It was as if I kept hearing Him say, "don't look at this with human eyes...trust me." So I prayed for eyes to see what He saw, and heart to accept His plan.
This plan of His is still very much unknown to me. But since that difficult day in January of 2011...when my "fate was sealed," I have come so far. My thinking has changed. I have begun to daily, take my eyes off of my circumstances, and placed them on my heavenly Father. I daily thank Him for the three blessings (four really) He gave me in the children I hold in my arms now...but THEY are not my Savior, they are blessings, not the answer though. And even more children would not be the final answer I believe...
What God is teaching me here is this: I am His. His plan is best...and my peace lies in chasing after Him, and laying down all I "once held dear.."
I am a living sacrifice to my King. My longings are His. My desires are His...my hopes and dreams and plans, yes, they are all His as well. The sick in the pit of my stomach comes back once and a while, you know for a time it hit whenever I saw another woman holding a child in her womb, but whenever the sick came back, I handed it to Him. He reminds me constantly to not let someone else's blessing steal my peace. Their blessing is theirs...and mine is just for me. He has a different plan for me than He does for others...and slowly I have begun to rejoice with those who rejoice because I know, His plan is best.
Is it easy? No. The narrow road is NOT easy. Is honestly easy? No. But it's best. I transparency easy? No, but it's what I'm called to be.
Someone once said, "Don't waste you pain. Use it to give God glory..." So what the enemy would have loved to be to my detriment, God is using for my betterment. I am a better person because my plan did not work out.
I don't claim to know what the Lord has in store for my future....But I am OK with that. How can I be? Because I trust that if He allowed this challenge into my life I have faith that He will only do something amazing with my trials. Can I trust the one who gave up His life for me? Who took my pain and sorrow and sin and hung it on the cross with Him when He died for me many years ago? Yes. That is a Savior I can trust.
I hope my story, or testimony gives you hope in your pain and trials. I have peace knowing that my trials are first of all making me look more like my Father, but they are also hopefully strengthening others to trust Him as well.
He has in many ways turned my sorrow into laughter, and I know His work is not done yet. Stay tuned...who knows what He has in store for me here, but I will be sure to fill you in when I know. Blessings can come in raindrops.