The Life I Long to Live

O How I wrestle to have control.
Wrapping my mind around the truth that "this life is NOT my own, " seems to be the ongoing song I sing. (or that is sung over me)
Recognizing that I am apart of His (the Lord's family) is an amazing truth all on it's own, but then when I face the reality that since I am apart of His family, I am also apart of something bigger than my "own little world."
Why is it so hard to get outside of myself? To see the bigger picture?
Many times it's because I am focused on the temporary, and other times it's because I have not spent the time to stare into the face of Jesus. (reading His Word)
You see, when we look at Jesus, our worlds begin to make more sense.
When we look at Jesus, we instinctively want more of Him. His gaze is intoxicating and we find everything we have ever needed in life to be fulfilled as we look at Him.
What we once thought we wanted fades into the distance as we look into the face of the Lord.
All I once held dear grows strangely dim, as the song says.
It's weird, and it's like this: We live in the world, but we are not OF this world. We are here, but were not to be sold out for "here." We operate in the now, and live for our eternal home.
We enjoy what we have, knowing what He has for us in heaven is 100 million times better. We let go of our own selfish desires because we know when we let go, He places in our hands HIS better plan.
What I want matters not, not because God doesn't care, but instead because God cares more than I could ever know... He cares too much to give me what will not benefit me.
It's a hard concept for the child to understand, but the parent sees what the child does not. And so the child wakes up each morning, looking to their parent for what will happen that day. The child makes all kinds of crazy requests, and of course the parents do try to take all those requests into consideration. But at the end of it, the parent makes the call based on what is best for the whole family. For everyone involved, and at the heart of it, is to do what is best for the children. So as I come to God with my "wish list" of the direction I would like my life to go, I know He, the loving parent, considers all my requests with deep love. And then, makes the choices based on His sovereign will and ultimate wisdom.
And I the child, rest in that.
I don't need to know where I am going, because I know the one who traces my steps.
Why should the one who see's only a corner of the map lead the way, when the one who CREATED the map and it's many routs is sitting next to me? Why should I drive, when I am blind, and lost? Would I rather have the one who has clear vision, and deep understanding of the terrain drive instead?
My life is not my own.
And why do I trust Him?
The explainable happens when we trust Him. Fear washes away. Joy returns. Peace takes over. And I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be.
I don't need fancy arguments, I don't need endless genealogies. I don't need all the greatest philosophical descriptions to prove to me how, what, where and when. Instead, I place my life into the hands of the one who spoke the earth into existence. I fix my gaze with His, and I step out onto the water. Knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that on the other side of my last breath lies the Kingdom my whole being craves. In the presence of the One my heart loves.
So yes, there are days that this life does not makes sense to me. There are days my human ability to comprehend simply is maxed out. (for lack of a better term) But what I will tell you is this: I know the one who conquers sin and death, who walks on water, who speaks life into being. Who places children in wombs, and builds empires, tears them down, and wins the final battle.
I am on the side of grace. I am in communion with the One who holds all things together. And so, on the days that my vision is cloudy, I fix my eyes on Jesus, and everything important suddenly comes in view, and the stresses of this world, fade away.
He is enough. He is all I need. He is all I want. And His ways, in my life are what I want.
(not in my own strength, but in His, for His glory.)
Jesus, it's all for your glory, for your plan, my life is in His hands.  

Holding It Together

I can do it, I can do it, I can make this stay together. I'll try harder I'll work longer hours and I will make this work. Strive.
That is the attitude of a heart that is trusting in their own ability to make things happen. It's really just the disguise of a " works based" mentality. And it's exhausting. I used to live in that mindset. One little verse rocks my world every time I read it:

" He is before all things and in him all things hold together." -Colossians 1:17

He alone causes the waves to roar, the sun to shine and my day to begin. He decides what goes on in my life. He is God over EVERYTHING. There are days I love this truth and I feel His presence all over my day. And then other days, as I pick up my Do It Myself attitude, and my peace runs out the backdoor, its harder to feel held. God is my ever present help in times of need, Psalm 46 tells me that. But what about the times I sort of don't want His help? Those are yucky days for me. The days I start building my own empire and making my own plans, (apart from Him)... Yes, those days are ones I strongly wish ( pray) to avoid. Unfortunately, many times my flesh takes over and I do go my own way.
What I love about my Lord is that He's never going to let me go completely. He may allow me to wander in my own little desert for a while, as I chose it, but He is waiting for me to recognize my need for Him. It's hard because some days as I take off running in the wrong direction and I glance over my shoulders, there I see Him. He looks at me as if to say, " Daughter, what are you doing? The path your on leads no-where good! Turn around!" Some days I do, and other days I persist in my rebellious ways. In both cases however, whether I turn around early or hesitate, Jesus is there waiting with open arms for me to fall into. As I feel His strength, feeling my hope and joy restored as I rest in His embrace I confess my rebellious attitude and feel His beautiful forgiveness wash over me. Jesus my beginning and my end, who holds the whole world in His hands and spins my days into motion. He gives me works to do that fills me with purpose, and He blesses me with glimpses of Himself and His hands in my life everyday. I'm a self proclaimed Do It Myselfer, but it's off to rehab for me. I denounce my self sufficient ways and lay them at His feet.

Who do you see?

Man. When left to his/her own demise, we act in accordance with out OWN will. It drives me crazy. I drive myself crazy.
Constantly I think, "Today, I will be selfless. Today, I will serve. Today I will seek others better good than my own."
And at the end of each day, I hang my head in failure and say, "Tomorrow, I will try harder."
Perhaps I am taking the wrong approach?
I think so.
Today as I spent time with my Lord in His word it's as if He said, "Who are you doing this for? Why are you doing it?"
I thought for a bit, and decided that much of the time, I do what I do, to make myself feel better about myself.
And there in lies my problem.
If I am doing what I do for selfish gain, or for self gratification, I do my work in vain.
It's not bad to get kicks from doing what I do, to enjoy my work, but that should not be my full motive.
Strange isn't it? God gives us passions, desires and gifts and tells us to use them, but when I use them only to gratify self, I come up empty, discouraged and frustrated.
The reason is this: God gave all of us gifts. He told us to use them to do what? BRING HIM GLORY.
If I do what I do completely for selfish motives, then my friends, I labor in vain.
My labor also loses purpose, because deep inside the being of every believer is the desire to please their maker. And the longing with me is  a deep black hole when I stray away from my God designed purpose.
The think about being One with Christ is that when you stray for Him, you leave the best part of yourself behind. All things begin to lose the purpose and meaning because in all honesty, nothing fulfills me like He does when I act and move in the center of His WILL for me.
I long to live my days out in constant Spirit led service. TO know that my purpose runs deeper than "making it through the day."
I think we all feel this way.
The difference between what I say and what the world tells you is this... WHO is at the center of the picture when the day is done? When the audience stands up to applaud when the good work is done, who do we point at for the glory? God.
I point to Christ, the one who sustains me, fuels me, makes me, and breathes purpose into me.
When I start a day in my own strength, I end my day lifeless on the floor, worn out from all my doings. But if I instead, start my day out asking the Lord to fuel me in all that HE has planned for me, my day begins with Holy, God given purpose.
Now that I recognize the difference, who would ever chose their own way? And yet I do....
There are days my carnal flesh just simply takes over, and I long to hear the crowd shout my name rather than His. Forgive me Lord.
I forget that I live for an audience of One.
SO today and I sat in His presence, and He breathed His life giving hope, truth and joy into me, as I reflected on His word, I was reminded once again of why I do what I do, and who I really am.
I am an ambassador for Christ, who gets to sit in the presence of the King and do His bidding. I am blessed to have such a position. I am truly blessed because He gave me a position of weight. I get orders from the King, and live each day to bring Him so much glory with how I do what He has asked me to.
Then at the end of the day, the King sits and encourages me, He tells me what a beautiful child I am, and HOW much HE loves me.
Only He can give me the true fulfillment I don't just want, but NEED.
While on earth, it can be hard, because we cannot see all that He is doing with us, and through us, sometimes we catch a glimpse of what He is doing IN us, but regardless, we are nearsighted, shortsighted and easily discouraged.
SO in light of what I know to be true about me, and also what I know to be true about HIM, I stay close to the Father, do His bidding, and when the job is done, I kneel down low so you can only see Him.
Here I find my purpose, hope and joy.
And when Jesus takes me home, my joy will be complete! But until that blessed day comes, here I stand, in honor of my audience of ONE.

In Pursuit of His Will (Sick of myself)

"I want what He wants for me." I have said that phrase a hundred times. I have prayed, "Lord, show me your will. Teach me your way so I can walk in it."  And sometimes, I say it in desperation, other times I say it because I feel like I should and then there are days like today when I get to the end of myself, where I say it with gut wrenching honesty.

Do I really want what He wants for me? Am I really serious when I say, "I render my will?" And the answer is, by the grace of God, yes. I'm sick of me quite frankly. I'm sick of doing things "my way." I run around like a scared puppy, chasing my tail, wearing holes in my carpet, trying to accomplish my plans and my desires. I work with such a vigor, and in most cases, what I work at is not having any eternal value.

I repent of that.

Today, and every day is a day to start anew. To tell My Lord that I do not want to chase after my own desires. I want to follow His path. His plan. Only when I'm on His path am I going where I need to be to grow, and be the best version of me I can be.

If I settle for my own way, I'll get the cheap imitation that following my flesh provides. My way is never filled with peace, and joy. Joy is something no one person can give themselves. You can try, but you come up tired of trying. Trust me, I've tried.

So I really felt that I needed or rather, wanted to say it out loud that I'm sick of me. I'm sick of chasing after the wind. You try catching the wind in your hands sometime and tell me how it works for you. Thus far I have been completely unsuccessful.

Here is the beautiful part however, God is patient with me. God is not sitting there saying, "I'm so annoyed with her." Jesus would never say that of me. But He will gently nudge me. He will pull on my heartstrings, and He will lift my face and ask me to look in eyes.

Have you ever had a time where it was difficult to look someone in the eyes? The eyes are the window to the soul. Honesty or deception is held in that gaze and until I could look at Him honestly and say, "I give up." I wasn't really able to look Him in the eyes.

For many weeks the Lord has placed, "Fix your eyes on Jesus." Type verses, situations and interactions with others in my path. I continued to look away, trudging slowly uphill on my own plan and path.
But as I experienced the straw that broke my camels back yesterday, I realized my folly.
No amount of my striving to get the things, or happiness I seek will come without first surrendering myself, to His plan.

The gentleness of His gaze is intoxicating. It's so wonderful, how did I ever look away in the first place? Oh, I remember, I got distracted. I got distracted by things of this world. Jesus warned me in His word that this world would never satisfy me. And I realize He never lies. He is the wisest and I am learning that even when the deception of the enemy sounds nice, it's not. The enemy fights hard with small tactics and distraction is one of his greatest tools. It seems to work wonders on me.

"Strengthen me Lord so I can see with Your eyes, and discern with Your wisdom."

I realize this is not a place I can stay in my own power. In my own strength. God's grace is sufficient. He will hold me fast. He will keep me strong, and when I falter, He will pick me back up again.
My God is relentless.

The other day I was thinking about how it is amazing to be completely abandoned to Him.
To trust Him so fully that He says "Jump" and I leap.
He always catches me. Always.

I know I am better off in His will. I know this, so why is it so easy to leave His path in pursuit of my own? I am not in heaven yet, and the battle wages on. This earth is not my home, and that is the reason I just cannot get comfortable here. But Jesus is the protection I clothe myself in, day in and day out. So that when the trials hit, I'm well dressed for the occasion.

God is never surprised. He's never says, "boy, that's a huge shock to me, I didn't know that would happen!" No. He knows everything, and so it baffles me that I would seek my own way over the one who sees the whole picture. Crazy isn't it? When I put it that way?

God knew me before I was born.

So I put a few things in a box today and I handed the box to Jesus. (again) but each time I learn this lesson, I grow stronger in my relationship with Him. And once again, He reminds me, He is patient, and that He not condemning me.
He will never say, "I knew you'd screw up!" No, quite the opposite. Instead, He says, " I will never leave you nor forsake you."
And again, in a humbled state, I kneel before the cross, and cling to Him with all my might. Knowing I will never do this in my own strength.

He is my light. My life. My path, my bread, and my sustenance. Plain and simple.
Without Him, I am nothing.
Without His direction, I am completely, and utterly lost.
Thanks be to God for His grace.
By day He directs me with His love, and night His love is my song. (Psalms)

Thank you Lord.
I surrender all.

Grow!

1 Peter 4:19

19So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.


The reality is that opposition, suffering, difficult people and circumstances cause you to grow. It's not so much that God wants us to have thick skin, but rather the opposite! To be tender and sensitive to others all the while able to withstand what wages on the surface. You essentially are a beautiful little purple pansy flower, but your able to withstand the wind, the rain and the trials of life because your root system is deeply rooted in Christ! Your foundation is deep and it's built on One who lasts and lasts. Your tender beauty above surface will cause others to be attracted to Jesus in you, and the fragrant aroma you put off will cause people to wonder how it is you smell so nice! And then you will have the opportunity to say, " O, that must be Jesus your smelling!"