"I want what He wants for me." I have said that phrase a hundred times. I have prayed, "Lord, show me your will. Teach me your way so I can walk in it." And sometimes, I say it in desperation, other times I say it because I feel like I should and then there are days like today when I get to the end of myself, where I say it with gut wrenching honesty.
Do I really want what He wants for me? Am I really serious when I say, "I render my will?" And the answer is, by the grace of God, yes. I'm sick of me quite frankly. I'm sick of doing things "my way." I run around like a scared puppy, chasing my tail, wearing holes in my carpet, trying to accomplish my plans and my desires. I work with such a vigor, and in most cases, what I work at is not having any eternal value.
I repent of that.
Today, and every day is a day to start anew. To tell My Lord that I do not want to chase after my own desires. I want to follow His path. His plan. Only when I'm on His path am I going where I need to be to grow, and be the best version of me I can be.
If I settle for my own way, I'll get the cheap imitation that following my flesh provides. My way is never filled with peace, and joy. Joy is something no one person can give themselves. You can try, but you come up tired of trying. Trust me, I've tried.
So I really felt that I needed or rather, wanted to say it out loud that I'm sick of me. I'm sick of chasing after the wind. You try catching the wind in your hands sometime and tell me how it works for you. Thus far I have been completely unsuccessful.
Here is the beautiful part however, God is patient with me. God is not sitting there saying, "I'm so annoyed with her." Jesus would never say that of me. But He will gently nudge me. He will pull on my heartstrings, and He will lift my face and ask me to look in eyes.
Have you ever had a time where it was difficult to look someone in the eyes? The eyes are the window to the soul. Honesty or deception is held in that gaze and until I could look at Him honestly and say, "I give up." I wasn't really able to look Him in the eyes.
For many weeks the Lord has placed, "Fix your eyes on Jesus." Type verses, situations and interactions with others in my path. I continued to look away, trudging slowly uphill on my own plan and path.
But as I experienced the straw that broke my camels back yesterday, I realized my folly.
No amount of my striving to get the things, or happiness I seek will come without first surrendering myself, to His plan.
The gentleness of His gaze is intoxicating. It's so wonderful, how did I ever look away in the first place? Oh, I remember, I got distracted. I got distracted by things of this world. Jesus warned me in His word that this world would never satisfy me. And I realize He never lies. He is the wisest and I am learning that even when the deception of the enemy sounds nice, it's not. The enemy fights hard with small tactics and distraction is one of his greatest tools. It seems to work wonders on me.
"Strengthen me Lord so I can see with Your eyes, and discern with Your wisdom."
I realize this is not a place I can stay in my own power. In my own strength. God's grace is sufficient. He will hold me fast. He will keep me strong, and when I falter, He will pick me back up again.
My God is relentless.
The other day I was thinking about how it is amazing to be completely abandoned to Him.
To trust Him so fully that He says "Jump" and I leap.
He always catches me. Always.
I know I am better off in His will. I know this, so why is it so easy to leave His path in pursuit of my own? I am not in heaven yet, and the battle wages on. This earth is not my home, and that is the reason I just cannot get comfortable here. But Jesus is the protection I clothe myself in, day in and day out. So that when the trials hit, I'm well dressed for the occasion.
God is never surprised. He's never says, "boy, that's a huge shock to me, I didn't know that would happen!" No. He knows everything, and so it baffles me that I would seek my own way over the one who sees the whole picture. Crazy isn't it? When I put it that way?
God knew me before I was born.
So I put a few things in a box today and I handed the box to Jesus. (again) but each time I learn this lesson, I grow stronger in my relationship with Him. And once again, He reminds me, He is patient, and that He not condemning me.
He will never say, "I knew you'd screw up!" No, quite the opposite. Instead, He says, " I will never leave you nor forsake you."
And again, in a humbled state, I kneel before the cross, and cling to Him with all my might. Knowing I will never do this in my own strength.
He is my light. My life. My path, my bread, and my sustenance. Plain and simple.
Without Him, I am nothing.
Without His direction, I am completely, and utterly lost.
Thanks be to God for His grace.
By day He directs me with His love, and night His love is my song. (Psalms)
Thank you Lord.
I surrender all.
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