Why me?

Why do I have to be the one to go through this? Why do I have to watch everyone else get all the blessings I wanted? Anyone ever felt this way? Or said these things to themselves? I know I have. But I see that God does not want me to stay in this place of questioning. I have to believe He felt that way, I mean, He was human and He felt human things. I remind myself of this so many times to comfort myself when I feel like this life is a little more than I can handle. The life's disappointments and changed plans can cause a woman to miss a breath once a while. A mother who loses a child, or a husband, or a dream she had for herself, can be found in this place of sorrow. God knows. He hears it, He sees it, but He also allowed it. Wait, what?!!!
I always have to shake my head at God's sovereignty because I realize He sees what I don't. I absolutely have to remind myself of this truth on the daily. That God sees what I cannot. He portioned out my life and it's every season because He knows what is best for me. But why God?!! Why this thing? Why this trial? Why this disappointment I scream at the sky....The loving Father who sent His son to the cross for my sins, also allows things in my life that may not feel good. They may not be what I would have chosen for myself, and yet, there they are. Those things that you would have planned differently. And now what? Do you just hang your head and say, "now I'm bound to be miserable all my life." OR do you instead lift your face to gaze at Jesus and say, "not my will Lord, but yours." Some days I am better at this than others. Some days it is easy to trust Him, when everything seems to be going great and the clouds disappear. But what about the days that the clouds are thick, and the tears of life's trial are spilling out your eyes and onto the well worn pages of your Bible. Then what? When you can read His truth, but getting yourself to believe it is harder than it was yesterday. What then? Then, I again, lift my face towards heaven, and cry out for God to be real to me. To open my ears and eyes to His perfect words, to His perfect plan, and give my heart hope in the    pauses of life, you know, the places in the movie where no one is talking? And the sad music just plays, but no one has a line? Those are the pauses of life, and God is in the pauses as well as the action packed scenes. Just because I don't see lighting and fire fall from the sky, doesn't mean God is gone. It doesn't mean HE has stopped caring for me, or about the plans He has for me. It simply means that He wants me to pause, and listen to the quieter music that is playing and wait patiently in the pause. Think about the movies where there are no pauses. No scenes where it's just a little quiet for a moment. Those movies are not very believable. They are not realistic and I have a hard time enjoying them because they do not seem real. Real life has pauses. Real life has moments where things are not happening at warp speed, where life just sort of "stands still." Maybe you have been in a year long stint of life just being in pause mode. Perhaps it's been five years waiting for the next faze to start. Sometimes I pray, "Lord, help me to hurry up and learn what you want me to learn in this stage of life so I can move on!" Why am I always in such a hurry? If God has destined my days, and He knows the plans HE has for me, than why do try and pray Him into rushing them? My times, my life is in His hands.
I needed to remind myself of this tonight.
Some days, it seems as though I live the same day, every day. And yet, there are moments of victory, moments where I see His hand and moments where I can catch a glimpse of what He is doing, and I smile because I know I'm not alone.
Babies are crying, kids are fighting, sleep is hard to find and your husband was out too late or maybe he didn't even bother to come home, regardless of the reality that sits on the pages of you life, I know I am not alone in my feelings.
A desperate cry in the night out to the God who we truly believe can hear us, can cause us to put our gaze back on our Maker instead of on our circumstances. If I had a dollar for every time I put my eyes back on my circumstances, I'd be rich. If I had a dollar for every time I said circumstances, I would be rich. Really, life is full of circumstances we'd probably rather change, but why?! Why am in such a dang hurry? Why do I want to get to the next faze or stage or thing so much? What does that faze have that this faze doesn't? Why is tomorrow always seemingly better than today? Perhaps I have something to confess. Perhaps I have not thanked GOD for today, just as it is. Perhaps I have forgotten than contentment is key. Perhaps I have forgotten that God knows best and I ought to thank Him for all that He provided me with today...even things I didn't see. The accident that didn't happen because He intervened, the angel that caught my baby as she jumped off the couch many feet in the air, but landed unharmed. Perhaps I missed the angels that guarded my son as he walked into school today, and the God who held my hand as I was able to catch a nap today. Perhaps I forgot to thank Him for all the things that made today great.
I look to the sky now with a fresh face. A fresh attitude. Sure, there are things that I don't like about life, but life is not perfect. Sure, all the plans I made for my life have not really happened just the way I thought they would, but they are happening exactly the way God KNEW they would. I sigh deeply knowing I once again am remembering who is God, and who is not God. I am not God. God is God and my life is in His hands, both my coming and going, now and forevermore. Thank you for Today Lord, just as it was, all that happened, and all that didn't happen, I thank you for them. Amen