Trying to "Figure it out"

It's that moment after the ball drops and all you're left with is an array of glass laying at your feet, in pieces like a Picasso painting. The wonderings and musing, and questions soon follow...(for me)
I scratch my head and think, "what did I do wrong.." "how did this happen?" "why did this happen.." I've heard it said that , "answers to the questions do not really make the pain go away..." but somehow I feel that if only I could just "figure it out.." I'd be better off. " So I wouldn't make the same mistake again..."
And then there is the old adage, "everything happens for a reason..." I swore I'd hit the next person who said that to me in the wake of my dropped glass ball.
My heart was filled with wondering and uncertainty.... until.... I rested.
That may seem like a oxymoron, to rest in uncertainty...but that may be another unique definition of faith rightly placed. Faith placed on the Unchanging One, allows me to rest, to lay down and sleep in the pile of my broken dreams and know that God who holds all things together, will turn this all for good.
The process in which it took to get me to my place of rest will be different than it is for you. Mine was  a twisty road, filled with mistakes and setbacks, but that is because I continually stopped along the way to point things out to my Maker. I'd whine a lot, and muse to Him that this was not my idea of a good time. My patient faithful Father would just stay constant and study with me, and we'd carry on. Always reassuring me along the way, whispering, "I'll never leave you..." as we walked along.
I'd try and do things to please God, thinking that in these actions I'd make Him so pleased that we could turn around and go back to, "the way things used to be, you know, before the ball dropped." He would stay constant and study...as I reeled at His unchanging course.
His ways are sure. He ways are true. As constant as the setting sun. I liked this truth about Him until He was relentlessly pursuing me... to have ALL of me.
Constantly I'd hear Him say, "trust me!" and His actions were always consistent with His words.
"Along unfamiliar paths you will lead me..."
There would be times along the journey that I would feel His peace and rest in His plans, and trust in His WAY,  and I would be so at peace. Then I would start to try and EARN His love and acceptance and favor again, thinking that if I was a good enough little girl, He'd give me what I wanted.
"thats not how it works..." He would say. "it's by grace your saved by me, not by works so that no one can boast." The gift of God is eternal life. But the key word is "gift.." you do not earn gifts. You receive gifts by the grace of Giver.
"Oh...OK.." I'd say, and He'd take my hand or put His arm around me and we'd carry on.
When he'd take my hand, or lift me up in His arms, it's as if He was saying, "I'm not mad at you daughter, but lets stay focused. Let's carry on..."
I'd wrap my arms around His neck when He'd pick me up...He knew when I was too weak to walk anymore. And He'd just carry me in His rest for 10, 12 hours sometimes....I'd lay my head on shoulder and I'd sleep... He always knows exactly what I need.

We came to a clearing in the path. Deep set in mountains, and there was a river. SO we sat down there and were still.
"Be still and know that I am God, and that I have great plans for you..."
I let those words sink it. I meditated on them. I rested in them for several minutes before I gather the courage to ask, " SO there is nothing I have to do to earn your rest?"
"Just that you would rest in me..."
The relief that flooded over me was inexplainable with words. I threw my arms around His neck and all I could do was weep, and say "Thank you."

"This is all my hope and peace, nothing but blood of Jesus! "

There is nothing in all of creation that will make me more holy in His sight than simple trust and faith in His Son's blood that was shed for me. This acceptance of His finished work on the cross makes me more and more thankful each day. Knowing that I bring nothing to table but my sin, and His grace that is all sufficient fills me with the peace that surpasses all understanding... and in that I can rest.

It's as if I equated that if my plans do not turn out the way I wanted my plans to turn out, when I wanted them to turn out, it meant that God did not love me. And that in order for my plans to turn out the way I desired, I had to do something more to earn His love and favor.

His love is not earned. It's given. His blessings are bestowed in countless ways that one cannot even begin to count...and His favor, like a staff, is constant as we lean on Him and rest in His way in surrender.

My greatest heartache, became my greatest surrender, which ultimately became my greatest journey towards resting in Him.

And my journey, and your journey is not done until the day God calls us home. So let us keep the faith, rest in Him, remind one another of how His plans are perfect, and good and right...and encourage one another that it by grace alone that we are saved!!!!

Even the surrender is not done in our own strength. In quiet trust, we rest. Knowing He's got the whole world in His hands. And He, unlike me, never drops the ball.  I have come to realize this process of surrender in my own life, and that if a ball drops in our lives, it's because He first of all allowed it, and second of all, He plans on putting the pieces back together in such a way that we are more whole than we ever were prior the ball dropping in the first place.