Trying

I have had this blog post written in my head for quite some time, and it seems to be keeping me awake at night now, so I think it's time to give birth. :)

Does the word "Trying" strike a chord with any of you women, (or men) reading this today? Well, that is what I was doing really since last fall...and to no avail.

This was a journey I never anticipated having to go, trying for a baby because having babies seemed to come easy for us, my son came just came a year and half or so after we were married, and 15 months later, my daughter arrived, no trying involved. So I thought that this was just how it happened. Turns out, God had some lessons for me to learn, and I needed to learn them well. I never learn anything the easy way, and it's been a process all my life to actually "get" a certain message. It seems that trial after trial was placed in my life concerning my attitude, and my priorities.. and it always felt as though the Lord was saying, "I come first..." Which of course I always said He did, but my actions said quite another thing...

And so I found myself in this thing this year. Not an easy road, but a necessary walk, in order to learn what really matters, and I did find that out, (not that I now got it all down) but I'm on the right highway at least. :)

So I had the thought, "maybe I want another baby.." and of course, I assumed given my "great success with fertility" in the past, this would just happen now that I had thought it. I was gravely wrong. And with that realization of wrong, a host of emotions opened up in my heart that started me on the journey I would walk for many many months. (it felt like an eternity.)

Do you know that life can planned out in 14 day cycles? The first 14 you are simply counting the days until ovulation. The next 14 you are counting until the day of your cycle, hoping it would never show, meaning you were pregnant. But with each cycle arrival, the hopes were dashed against rocks and the depression sinks in a little deeper, and what once felt like a fun thought, now feels like a distant memory.

So this is where I sat for many months, counting, wishing, waiting, hoping, praying and finally falling apart. This was my cycle, one can only imagine, it got old my for husband, and myself.

But I was in this thing and this was my trial at hand. I kept asking the Lord.."Why would you give me this desire if you are only going to keep me from being full filled?" And yes, I became angry with the Lord. I thought..."this can certainly not be His plan for my life???!!!" and then also, "I must be doing something wrong, I need to try harder in my own power." And so I did, more careful planning, more counting, more "try this herb and get pregnant" solutions. To no avail. Only opening up the door to more heartache, because then I came up with the solution that surly, something must be wrong with me. Another trip to the Dr., another test...another scan.

Oh the heartache I put myself through, because I did not trust.

Let this be a lesson to all of you, learn from my mistakes, circumstances may be difficult, but when trust in the Lord is gone, all is gone. For He is our hope.

I didn't realize this yet and continued on in my own ambitions to solve my problems. They weight became intense. It seemed as though everywhere I looked I saw pregnant people, and they all made comments like "Oh man, I wasn't ready be pregnant, or being pregnant stinks!!!"

REALLY???!!! I wanted to scream...I would have given anything for that. Anything.

And there in lied my problem. That was my glitch. It mattered more than anything. Including God. I may not have admitted it, but it did, and I know that He was not comfortable with that, given the heartfelt commitments that I had made to Him, this was not good enough for Him. God cannot be second in our hearts.

It took some time before I came to this realization..I was sitting in Bible study class one day and it began to sink in, God wanted my heart first. He gave up everything for me first...and He was faithful to me first...and my heart began to beat a little faster, and the tears began to fall.

"O Lord! I cried...I have been so blind!!! I have not trusted you..I have not put you first...I am sorry." And of course, like all things, these realizations come in stages...and it wasn't long before I got wrapped up in my "trying" again. Something would set me off again, and I would get frantic. But once I had my initial revelation of my sin, I just could not get comfortable in my cycle of trying again. So little by little, I dropped things into the hands of the Lord..and told Him.."here, this is yours, and I trust you.." The last thing I dropped into His loving hands was my children, Past, present and future. You see, I lost a baby before I had my first and that thought kept haunting me all while I was trying..because I kept thinking, "I could have three!!" And then of course, my children right now, my little blessings walking around my house every day...those were, and had to be His as well. My soul purpose could not be in them, for them, by them, and through them...that was God's position. Not theirs. So I handed My little boy, and my little girl over to Him also, and said, "You Father, mean more to me then even them..." And then lastly, I fell on my knees, tears streaming down my face and I told Him this..."You mean more to me than having another baby too Jesus. You are my answer. You are my positive result. You are what will fulfill me..." And friends, He did just that. He filled me right up. And then just a few short weeks later, he also gave me a baby!!!! So, now, I'm pregnant. (sicker than a dog, but thankful as all get-out.) And this was my thought.."He didn't have to do that..He already fulfilled me. He already gave me Himself to have and to hold..but because He's good, because He's gracious and because He desires much praise...He also gave me another child.

Now, I know this is not the secrete to all women getting pregnant, but it is my story and He did receive much praise from this whole ordeal. He took something hopeless, turned it around in due time to give His name more praise, than if I had just gotten pregnant right away! Because then I would have accredited my own abilities at getting pregnant, but when it happened this way, I could accredit no-one but the Lord because I had already done everything in my human power to make it happen, but it was not until God allowed it that it happened. SO, Glory be to His name! And I wanted to share this with all of you so that you too could praise His name as well! Thanks for listening...