Learning to let go..

This life journey has been an ongoing process for me of learning to simply let go of more and more things I used to call "important". Before Marriage, all I did was centered around my very own schedule and time, then post marriage, I let go of a lot of that, then, kids came along and I let go of some more stuff, (most of which I do not miss all that much) however, there are some things in life that are slightly more painful to release. Things like, "I'm in control" or "I've got this situation under control.." or "I can figure this one out on my own.."

Those are all things that in regards to the christian faith, it's hard to keep and still say that God is in fact Lord over ALL in your life.

Throughout my time of struggling through this sickness I've learned to let go of a few things, mostly all of them painful to release because it's another level of "me" that has "just got to go" if my relationship with God is going to deepen in the area of trust.

Here is what I've been asked to let go of lately...fixing this thing. And by this "thing" I mean my present state of trial. Most of the time I'm so miserable I'm having a hard time getting outside of my own desire to just get rid of whatever it is that's making my life that way, and in this case it's the sickness. So I sit and wrack my brain for all the possible possibilities of what I could/should do to release myself from my pain. I can only imagine there are sick people all over the world who have this same thought. And in some cases, there are medical things you can do to help or even cure the sicknesses, but in my case, there is truly not much that I can do. So these past few months, I've been seeking everything I possibly can to solve my problem. I suppose in part that's only natural, but here is the place that I have come to..I'm stressing myself out so much, now I'm not just sick, I'm stressed out and wired because of all my trying to solve my own problems.

Yesterday as I lay in bed, crying out the Lord, I had this overwhelming feeling of the Lord whispering to me to simply "let go." Easier said than done, but I think I have come to a fork in the road of this trial. Here are my choices, I can either continue to stress myself out to the point of sleeplessness, or I can say to the Lord, "I'm done, you take over."

I'm beginning to really lean towards the side of dropping it all, and letting God pick up the pieces of my broken life. I can't continue to hold it all together, all by myself. I have become easily frusterated, easily overwhelmed, and easily angered. All of those things are not things that I like to be apart of who I describe myself as... and the only way I can truly erase them from the vocab of my life, is to ask the Lord to take my "junk" and replace it with His "goods."

The reason this is so hard is because of this: we all thing that health and good fortune just SHOULD be by default apart of our lives...i've said countless times "God, how could this be from your hands?" And for whatever reason, He has allowed it touch me, and i've been fighting it tooth and nail. Well, my white knuckles hurt and my eyes sting from straining, and I as I stated to myself yesterday through clenched teach and tear filled eyes: "God, i'm done. I'm just done. I can't take another moment of this, like this." And by "like this " I mean, the way i've been running things lately. My children need a Mommy who is filled and carried by the Lord, because that woman is better equiped to the job that she must do. And as I've continually learned over and over in my life, "it's not about me" and neither is this. This sickness is not about me, it can be used to shape me, mold me and take me places I could never have gone with health. I know I sound as though I'm falling apart at my seams, but honestly friends, I'm much more whole than I was even a few days ago, and this understanding that I am needing to let go, yet again is releasing me from all kinds of weight that has bogged me down mentally, and now physically. I know I will never fully rid of "me" after all, God made me, me. But as I have stated in other blogs, I want to be the best version of me possible, and the only way this is going to happen is if I continually let go of the plans I've had for me. I know this seems contrary to what makes human sense, but in the kingdom of God, it makes the most sense imaginable. If I sound like a crazy person, maybe I am a little crazy. :) but I'd rather be crazy in God's hands, then sane and in my own control. But here is the underlying motivation for me, every time God takes something from my hands, and takes over, the peace of Christ settles into my heart like never before and I'm once again reminded why I follow this God. For any of you have not yet experienced that transition, when fear is replaced by peace, let me encourage you, it worth trying, and it's worth taking a bit of leap for because in the end, what we are left with is much better than what was there prior to the leap.

Trust me. I speak from experience. I've been leaping a lot lately, and it's only when I decide to stay grounded in my version of control, that trouble comes my way.

So today, rather than crying in fits of anger and asking "How could this be from your hands" I'm saying, " Show me. Teach me. Make me more like you." And that feels better.

What a journey. It's not easy my friends, but I'm convinced, and I hope that you all are too, that it's worth it, every step. Every tear, every cry. Every little moment is worth it because without it, we would not be who God can make us to be. Conquerors in Christ, and obviously much stronger than who we used to be. I pray that I speak to some of your hearts today as you read this, because part of the reason we go through things in this life, is so that we can take what Satan intended for evil, and used it for God's glory. So, in this trial of mine, I pray God is glorified, and Satan is stomped on. So may it be with all of your trials my friends. May today be the day of triumph in Christ for all of you.