Intentional

Do you know how hard it is to be intentional? I mean really!! Being intentional is really difficult. Being intentional means you are being proactive instead of reactive. Intentional means you are doing premeditated preparation. In the biblical world this means you are praying, studying and preparing your heart to do whatever it is you are set out to be intentional about. In my case, I am doing "intentional parenting." I am being intentional with each of my children, anticipating their felt needs, and then meeting them in a way that makes them feel safe, loved, respected and doing it all with a heart of sincerity instead of a heart of manipulation in order to get what I want out of the situation. Does that sound exasperating? Well, I will admit, I go to bed more tired that I ever have before, BUT the good news is is that I have the power of the Lord on my side, the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and the forgiveness of Jesus for when I know I fall short. He meets me in the gap, and helps me across the great divide. Because guess what? HE is intentional with me. HE is my example. People always say it's unfair when Jesus is used as the standard, map or game plan, but quite honestly, who else would we rather look like? He has everything I'd ever hope to have, and He looks like the very best version I'd ever see...so if I was totally honest with you, He is the only one I really care to copy. Why not take the time to learn how He was with His "children" and go from there? SO that is where I am starting. He was an intentional leader. He took time even when no time seemed to exist to spend quality, intimate time with His "kids" and He did it with a heart of sincerity. As I said, He is all I could ever hope to be.
What sparked my desire to be intentional? The reality that coasting through parenting is just not good enough. I realized if I am going to set my kids of with the foundation that will last a lifetime, I cannot expect to build that foundation for and with them with half-hearted effort. I cannot give my kids all they need in 20 mintues a day. I cannot, meet their love needs when I am unhealthy. So my first line of action is to feed myself the "food" I need to feed to them ultimately. I cannot hand out encouragement when I am discouraged. So the first place I stop is the bus stop of my marriage. If my marriage is in shambles, I cannot expect to have much to give to my kids. Asking the Lord to work on my marriage was a great place to start, as He is doing His thing there, (which can sometimes be painful because in entails Him extracting some of my bad habits, and usually extraction of any kind is somewhat painful.) But after He has begun His work there, I know I am now in better shape to minister to my children. My relationship with my husband is really important in relation to my health for ministering and training my kids. I am not saying it is impossible for a mother to do this without a thriving relationship with her husband, it is just much more difficult. So mothers with unbelieving husbands, do not despair, Christ is your husband as well as your Father, and He will stand in that divide for you.
Think about the times we do things with just half of our capability...we know it don't we? I know I do. If i just halfway run a 5k, at the end of it, I still have some juice left in me so to speak, then I know I wasn't running to my full potential. But when I run out hard core, open it up all the way, full throttle, empowered by Christ, Fueled with the passion that He has given me to run, guess how much better I feel at the end?  Much.
The reality though is that parenting is not a sprint. It's more like an ultra marathon, and that my friends, is why I need to be intentional. I cannot expect to be consistent with my children day in and day out, if I just drink 10 sips of Gatorade. Staying in the context of running, I would pass out if I only had short term hydration. But, if instead I fuel myself with a water bottle in each hand, and one on my hip, chances are, I'll stay hydrated to run the full distance, if I can take the time to take sips of water every mile or so, I will finish much stronger.
In the past, I went out on the road of parenting, with great expectations, I had all the right gear on, but I hadn't done any of the preparation. Someone once said to me, "being a parent is more than just giving birth." And friends, they couldn't have been more right on. I will admit, just in case any of you think I seem to know a lot, know this: I just cracked my first real parenting book 2 months ago. Real parenting take preparation. Knowing my children's  in's and out's. The things that make them get frustrated, makes them tick, and what causes them to get upset. All those things are really key in the dream of us having a day that ends in peace rather than screaming and frustration. The main key point I have realized in my preparation is this: I have to be so filled with Jesus that I feel how He feels about my kids. Meaning, I have to love them regardless. My love cannot be conditional, and above all else, under no circumstances can I let my emotions get in the way of how I treat them when they are mad. Easier said than done right. Oh yes. But by the grace of God the more tap into His all sufficient power that exceeds all human effort or understanding, we can situation by situation begin to parent in a way that reflects His divine authority. No one wants to follow an evil dictator Father, NO, we want a servant leader. One who will get in and get their hands dirty. Am I willing to go and help my son pick up those 400 Lego's on his floor? Or am I ordering Him in all my self-driven authority to clean up his mess? There are times children need to do things on their own, but I remind myself that I serve a God who literally took my mess to the cross, and cleaned it all up for me. If only I recognize my need for the help. No mother or father is perfect. Not on this side of heaven anyways...but what I do know is the Jesus is perfect, and He made a way for me not just in death, but in life. He wants me to tap into the very best life source right now...and that source is Jesus. He is the only way I will conquer, or excel in any avenue of life, parenting including. I want the best for my kids because He gave me His best. I don't want well behaved kids so that when we are out people can say, "wow, what nice kids you have..." Rather I want well behaved kids because well behaved kids reflect an inner spirit that serves their King. I want them to have a good platform to build their life on, not financially, rather I want them secure in love, and filled with knowledge of where love began. Love began when a life was literally laid down. I lay my life down, my selfish desires and my wants, knowing He knows what I need. And He will meet my needs. He is the ultimate, perfect Father. He is my example, and I am thankful. Intentional life is possible through Jesus.

Forgive ME

Forgiveness. Isn't that a warm word? It brings up so many good thoughts, feelings and emotions for me. When your brother says, "I forgive you..." Or your husband extends the hand of forgiveness to you after you did something selfish. We all need to experience forgiveness.
Forgiving another person is freedom. And in order to forgive someone you have to be able say, "I'm not going to go there in my thoughts any more." That is why forgiving in so freeing. It literally free's up space in your mind...and thoughts. It creates new space for better thinking.
Usually when we hold onto an attitude of un-forgiveness which is really just another word for bitterness...it's because we have been wronged. Someone, somewhere did something to us to hurt us or cause us pain. And under no circumstances are we going to go down without a fight. Anyone relate to those feelings? I know I can. We say in our hearts, "You hurt me, and you will pay." We are this way by our sinful selves, and our sinful thoughts and attitudes heap more pain onto an already wounded heart. Before we know it we are consumed with anger, frustration and yes, bitterness towards the guilty party who wronged us. I didn't even mention yet if this guilty party is aware that they did anything wrong. That is the other side of this coin, most often when these situations arise in our lives, the person wronged is doing all the festering and the other party has no idea how badly they hurt another. This is how conflict arises, families, friendships and churches are torn apart (just to name a few) and all in the name of, "it's my right to be mad." No one wants to lay down the pain they have a right too. What if I told you, I have no rights? What if I told you, no-one owes me anything? What if I told you, that it's not your fault? Well, i am going to tell you those things. That is what God is telling me. He said this to me, "I'ts not about what you've done, but rather darling, what's been done for you." He died. That's what was done. So what could someone possibly do to me that would be so bad that I would have to stay so mad and bitter towards them, when while I was YET in sin, Christ died for me. What about those right's I talked about? I'm called to love. Lay down my life in love for my friends, (give up my rights over theirs) Die to self. Die to my rights, my way, and my desires. Selfless.
How's that for a nice wardrobe of heart attitudes to put on? I will have to do some serious "putting off " of old attitudes if I'm going to make room for these new ones.
But it's putting off that I'd better make time for...if I want to be healthy. If I want to be whole. If I want to thrive, and be well in Christ. I cannot walk around with pain from past built up bitterness, resulting from unforgivness. It's time to move on. It's time to say enough to my selfish thoughts, attitudes and behavior. No more. I'ts time to forgive.
Who it was that wronged us matters not, what matters is that we hand that person over to Jesus and say,
"I can't hold onto this anymore." "This person is yours to deal with, they are not my problem. They are not even a problem at all, they are your child. You train them, and I surrender any feelings I had towards that person, to you, Lord."
Easier said that done right? But forgiveness IS freedom. It creates freedom. It smells of Freedom. And the only person unforgiveness really hurts is YOU. It makes you lug around that ugly, black and horribly smelling bag around with you wherever you go. It's the, "I can't believe what they did" Tote bag. It's the "I can't believe what she said" purse, and trust me, those bags are HEAVY. And eventually your little heart will just freeze up all together because it cannot take the pressure anymore.
Sometimes, the person we need to forgive lives in our home with us. Their share our food with us. And sometimes the person we need to forgive is ourselves. The person you used to be. The person who used to live in your body. The person that didn't know they had an issue, but once realized they did, moved on physically, and maybe even somewhat spiritually, but NOT emotionally. Forgiving oneself from past mistakes is crucial...once you have repented in all ways necessary, it's it healthy then to ask the Lord to help us forgive ourselves.
We do not forgive naturally. But over time, and with much practice we will begin to do this with more ease. It's not just a motion we go through, our hearts have to match our feet. They must be in step, and the only way any of this is even remotely possibly is through the power of Christ. He alone has the power to move us to a place of forgiveness. He wrote the book on forgiveness (literally) and He has the power to help us apply that book's wisdom to our every breath.
I am on a journey. No, I have not arrived...I probably won't until I reach heaven, BUT, He is working on me, and this is just yet another chapter in the story of my life, and I figured that you may be encouraged by my life lessons as well.

Forgive, and be free.

Who I answer to..

As a stay at home mommy, I do not have a boss really, I mean, I work for family, serve them, and I guess you could say my husband pays my way...:) But really, who do I answer to?
I was giving this some thought because Jesus was in a similar place, (not that I am comparing myself to Him) but, I am saying, He answered to whom alone? God. God was His end point, and His starting place, His backboard and everything in between. I kinda like that we have that in common. You see, in my position as a mom, I could do all things just enough to get by. I could scratch together some dinner, (not that that doesn't happen once and a while) I could do things sort of half-heartedly, moping around, slothing my way though the laundry... that sort of thing, but I realize, I serve a leader who delights in excellence... I serve a creator who put utmost detail into everything He did, because He delighted in doing so. SO here is the catch...am I delighted? Delighted in serving my family? Delighted to wash the boogers off of my sweet baby's face? Am I delighted in the pure and simple fact that God made me with a purpose that makes me have reason beyond myself?
"We are not trying to please me but God, who tests our hearts..." 1 Thessalonians 2:4b
He is my end point. He is my start. He is my everything in between.
And I serve Him.
So my ministry is this: show people where-ever I am, that I love Jesus. And I don't mean with my words, note, I said SHOW. Show implies action. Show means walking it out with my existence, my facial expressions, the places my feet go. I am not in a Jesus box, I am in a place of co-existing with  a Father who speaks His love to others, hopefully through me.
Hopefully, my children feel this, as well as the cashier at Target. But it shouldn't be my words that convince a person I love Jesus. It should be in my very existence. It should be so organic to me, that the folks with me, will have a hard time finding where Jesus starts, and I leave off. Our writing should be so similar, one would wonder who was speaking, me or Him? That is how I want my life to be.
So when I say I want to look like the one who is mentoring me, I do. I want to be His twin, in my home, in my life, and everywhere I go.
The thing I have noticed, that has caused me to be very thankful, is that when you are right where He wants you, you find yourself being very thankful. Not that gratitude can't be a choice, because many days, we must CHOOSE to be thankful. And the great thing about thankfulness is that it breeds more thankfulness. So as you begin to list off the things you are thankful for that He has blessed you with, don't be surprised if you find yourself unable to stop the thankfulness list. I can only imagine how pleased this makes Him as well...
Think about how great you feel when someone says, thanks! And they mean it...
So as I go about the work I do, with an attitude of thankfulness for the role model who not only placed me in the perfect working place, but He also continually, constantly, shows me how to do better, and excel in my job. That is one amazing boss huh? Not to be cheesy, but I think He still has some mentor positions open...He seems to hire just about anybody, from prostitutes to handsome Kings, He apparently makes a job available for everyone who asks...( He will probably ask you to stop being a prostitute though if that is where your coming from) :) (I would guess He has work for you somewhere else...)
SO my friends, who are we working for? Who are we really working for? You may have a boss....and that's good too! You may have an earthly person you answer to, but do you know that even though you clock in and out somewhere else, your life with Jesus, your real boss is with you always and has some skill sets He is longing to teach you, encourage you on, and direct you in, if only we admit our need for some on the job training. I know I need it. My hand was raised before He even finished the question..."Pick me, pick me! I need your help! This life equation is really hard and I can't figure it out on my own...my pencil broke and my eye-sight is horrible...could you help me make sense of the mess I'm in??? And friends, every time I ask, and I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME I ask, He answers. Loud and clear. He gives me aid, He picks me up, and He sets me on my way.
My children are thankful He does this for me, as is my husband...what a journey. What a Savior. What a Friend. Thank you Jesus...thank you.

A Woman In Her Home

That title makes you think I'm old fashioned doesn't it? I'm not. I promise. But I am beginning to have some the old time views that I used to shudder at, become more clear to me. (and entice me)
This life is chaos right? Can I hear an amen from all women everywhere? Even if children are not in your life, our home life is still busy. Lets face it, life is fast paced, and it's not slowing down. Or is it?
What if I told you life could slow down? What if I told you that you can enjoy making dinner? What if I told you that you could find joy in folding clothes? What if I told you that your "failures" as a parent are really just a great stepping stone for growth?
I don't consider this a self help speech, I consider this a word that the Lord has written on my heart for me, and I want to share it! When I find something THIS good, I do want to share it.
All my life I have lived in the fast paced lane. I slowed down only when forced to because I was either side-lined by pregnancies that were difficult, or by exhaustion. Otherwise, I was not happy unless I was moving. It was preferable too if the movement was done outside of my home.
It seems as though God has firmly told me to "slow down."
He has asked me to slow my life in many ways, to take a step back, and focus on what He has told me is most important right now. My family, my home, and some ministry inside my home church. That's it! No extras He says. Did I mention the peace I have right now? If I didn't, I should, because friends... the Lord has breathed peace into my every day life like I have never felt before. And did I mention how thankful I am that He stopped me dead in my tracks I was while running a hundred miles an hour down the face paced track of the life I was certain I would live forever?
Turns out, faster is not always better. (that coming from a runner is profound huh?!!!) :)
I have begun to realize a few jobs I have dangerously neglected. And not just neglected, but lost all joy in them when I did realize I had to carry those tasks out in some way or my home would cave in. So I would pull my exhausted, exasperated body from the floor and start to fold. that. laundry. (insert scary music)
Oh sisters in Christ, Don't you think Christ wanted me to be victorious in my home?? He did. And does. But I was moving so fast, I couldn't even stop to catch my breath to ask Him for help. I was just that tired. (and busy)
My three children, were with me, chaos. I brought them into my whirlwind. I had to ask for their forgiveness. My busy life was wreaking havoc on my home, my children, and my marriage. SLOW DOWN God said, and I have. SO now that I have room to breath, and I can see some things as the dust is clearing, I am not entirely sure I like what I see. Some things are in shambles. So I have begun to pray for the Lord to show me where to start. He started with putting a song of joy in my heart. He has lifted the heavy burden I put on myself, and with this song in my heart, I am finding myself humming while folding laundry. A job that used to make me cringe. And I am realizing, my place is in this home. Serving my family. Making sure my husband has a hot meal each night. And I made the meal with joy. My life is fueled by Christ, empowered by Him to breath life into the family He blessed me with. What a high calling. I am thankful that He slowed me so that I could see what a high calling it really is. I used to think that "just" being at home, taking care of kids and cooking meals was a downer??? (insert the just shoot me comment) That is how I used to feel. But now that I have taken a step back, I have gained some perspective. He blessed me with a husband to serve, (yes, serve) children to train...a home to warm, and make inviting for when my tired man gets home from work, and He has given me food to prepare for them. I GET to fuel my family, with home-maid goodness each and every day. And now I also fuel my children with a Bible lesson each morning before they head out into the preschool and kindergarten world. THAT is a gift.
I promise I'm not on the soapbox of the stay at home mom. BUT, I have realized the difference this earth shattering change has made in MY life, and the life of my family. It's a huge transformation. Now I know many of you readers have come to this conclusion long before God had to lasso me into stopping. But now that it's coming clear, I can identify with all you mom's who clearly have done this, this victorious mom life thing so well for all these years. So i'm a slower learner, but hey, I'm a work in progress. And I am so thankful that I serve a God who isn't done with me yet. Did I mention I"m thankful???!!! I mean really...really...gut-wrenching thankful. Fall on my floor and kiss the feet of Jesus thankful. I love my new found calling, (even though I've had a home for 9 years, a husband for 8.5 year and kids for 5 years, I guess better late then never huh?)  So mommies....this is your anthem, serve on. For His glory...

Never Too Late

To start over. Never to late for God to redeem. Never to late to do something better with what He has given me. Never to late to do life more wholeheartedly.
I was going to title this blog 'wholeheartedly' but then, I realized that only touched on a piece of what I wanted to convey here in this blog post. The Lord has been gracious to me in revealing a huge area of sin in my life. And it is called, half-hearted parenting. Anyone know this?
I know it ALL to well. Unfortunately. It means, I have not been giving my children, and ultimately my GOD, my very best.
It means I take MY selfish stresses out on my kids in a loud voice, it means they suffer when MY time (that I actually signed up to give away when I gave birth to them...) is threatened.
You know it went a little something like this: " What do you mean you not tired????!!! You HAVE to nap! Mommy. NEEDS. A Break.
Can anyone see a better way to handle that?
I can. Now....
How about this, maybe this would be better. Mommy senses she is getting tired. Drops to her knees, and asks Jesus to strengthen her for the remainder of the day, she asks the Lord to help her....and she takes each breath in Him until she feels re-energized. SO then if nap time isn't going to be a reality that day, this mommy now has her attitude boosted by the ultimate source of energy.

I have had a bit of a para-dime shift in my thinking....you see I never realized, or actaully, I never took the time to focus on what God really wanted me to do with my children. One key word has rung through the silence....and the word is TRAIN.
I began reading the book, "The 5 Love Languages of Children" and for those of you who know me well, know that this a really big deal. I don't read any book other than God's word, because I always sited that, " I have no time for any other book..." Turns out, I need to make time. The Lord has taught me so much through this book, and I have realized I have barely scratched the surface in what it means to truly know my child, MINISTER to my child, and encourage my child in the ways of the Lord. (train) And therefore, I have aquirred some real tools on how to be a better Mommy to my precious gifts. Turns out, that just like me, (go figure) my children, have a primary love language...and when that primary love language is not being met, they begin to act out. But in my ignorance, I just thought they were being naughty for no real reason. But the book states to me that my children act out when they feel  unloved, in hope of attaining some sort of affection, attention or otherwise from me. I was very struck by this. I sat on the floor and balled my eyes out because I realized all of my failures. Once having accepted that in many ways I had royally screwed up, I called my dear friend who encouraged me, and together we moved on. She encouraged me not to stay there, but rather to thank the Lord that He took the time to stop me dead in my tracks and cared enough about me to show me a better way. Parenting through His supply...taking it to the next level. Giving my children the love they needed. My love should not be based on how I feel, it is not conditional. It is not situational. It's not based on how well the perform, or listen, or obey. It is based on the true and simple fact that Christ loves me this way, and He is my example. I can, and I will love my children because they are His children. As I have begun to put this into practice, to put my role in my home, my MINISTRY in my home ahead of outside ministries, I have SEEN the change in a HUGE way. Are my children perfect? Of course not. But they are responding. They are noticing the change in me, and they are clearly doing much better. I want a thriving family. A family that is well cared for. Not one that is just barely scraping by because lets face it, Mommy is to tired to read books to you tonight. (not that we don't all have our bad days or nights once and a while.) But all in all, Mommy is being powered by Christ, and I have confirmation after confirmation that He is pleased with my new found change of doing things.
He keeps lining things up for me, and most days, I feel stacked. I mean, (well supplied) with everything that I need. I realized that I was heading down a path of destruction. Not just for myself but also for my children. Their well being and ability to thrive was being scwelched in a major way by my choosing my own comfort over theirs.
It's not that I neglected them...but I clearly was not giving them the best. I was not considering them a ministry. They were merely apart of what I did. You know, you can wash the floors in your kitchen, OR you can turn on the music you little floor washing machine, get down and get dirty, washing those floors with all your heart soul and mind, singing praise music to Jesus the entire time. See the difference? Jesus sees the difference...and now,  so do I.
(as do my children)
My children, home life and husband have benefited from this change that God has brought about in my life...and although there are days where I feel as though I do nothing for myself, I see where HE meets my needs instead of me striving, and pushing and yelling my way into getting some down time. Jesus has changed me, and met me where I was at my weakest...and then He showed me a better way.
There are seasons to all things. There may be another time in my life where He tells me it's OK for me to branch out and do more outside of the home ministry opportunities again, but right now I am incredibly thankful that He took the time to take me off the rat race wheel of busy-ness that was causing me to become this person I hated. (at home) He saw that when I had filled my plate so full, I began to crack, and the people whom He chose for me to minister to first were suffering.
I know life is an ongoing journey of becoming more and more like the person He wants me to be. And this is just another stepping stone in that process. I am so thankful. I serve a God who seriously takes my sanctification seriously. How could He be any more personal?
I mean this not to be a message of how any mom should be like me, for His plans for you are different than His plans for me, but I thought perhaps my message of redemption, and His promise to" restore the years the locust had eaten" would encourage some of you as well. It's never to late for Him to turn us around, and slow us down, and show us a different way. I love this about the God we serve. Every day is an adventure...my joy is back, my peace is abounding, and yes, I feel blessed.