When The Answer Is Different Than What We'd Like

A mommy sits with empty arms tonight. An ache in her heart, and tears on her cheeks. So what do we do, when things did not end as we had hoped for?
It's hard to say in words all the different thoughts that scan through the mind in moments like these. We question. We rage. We cry. We sit still unable to move.
We are but human, and we only have limited knowledge to life and what it holds.
There are of course all the words that people say to eachother to attempt to make one another feel better, and as well meaning as all these words are, they often fall void before the hurting one.
We want to share our concern, our care, our love, but the words fail and fall short in so many ways.
So what are we to do?
I quit saying "my" words after going through my own personal tradgedy. Realizing that words are just words if they come from me. BUT- if they come from Him, the Heavenly Father, they mean something. They hold weight. They have value beyond the here and now. All scripture is GOD breathed. It's living and active and it's ready and willing to offer encouragment, support and strengthen whenever we need it. (as often as we need it.)
Some of my Bible pages are stained in tears. Some of then are underlined to the point where I cannot find words that are not underlined. Regardless of the response poured out on my Bible page- it points to one thing, His words are the only ones that speak any real encouragment to me.

"For the word of the Lord is right and true, He is faithful in all He does." -Psalms 33:4

To me these words say, "He knows what I do not."

"For He spoke and it came to be; He commanded it, and it stood firm." Psalm 33:9

What He does in this world, what He allows, sometimes does not make sense to me in the human context, but as I have walked with Him, I have come to see that He is doing what He knows is best.

I know He hurts when we hurt.

I know He feels sadness when we are in pain.

He causes the sun to rise and set. The moon to rise and fall. The stars He calls out by name each night. He knows how many hairs I have on my head. He counted them. Reminding myself of these truths cause me trust Him in the midst of circumstances that I don't understand.

"On this earth you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world. " John 16:33

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Jesus said those things....

In light of the pain that is more than alive and well in THIS world, it is good to know that Jesus, has bigger plans than simply the things we face in this world.
Heaven is the place where every tear is wiped away, and no more sorrow and sadness will be.
Is there joy on earth to be had? Yes of course!!
But is there sorrow that taints the joy? yes.
In heaven, no sorrow will taint our joy. No tears or years of sadness will plauge us. It will be us in perfection for eternity.
This is the reason we have hope. Jesus is here, walking us through the trials of this earth, and preparing a better place when we say goodbye to this earth.

So what do we say to the mommy who grieves tonight? For the Daddy who cries? For the Grandma who's heart is aching?
We say this..
"Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. I will be with you always, even to the very end of the age. " -Jesus. His comfort, and His words are the only words that offer hope for today and glory for the future. Peace for today and tomorrow. His words promise hope beyond ourselves, and a trust in the promise that no matter what we go through, He will be with us, holding our hand and standing beside us, holding us up when we want to fall to the ground.

"But Jesus came and touched them, Get up, He said, Don't be afraid.When they looked up they saw no one except Jesus." Matthew 17:7,8

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

I write this in honor of M. G. E.
Sweet baby boy, Jesus is holding you now.

This is real life...

Every once and a while, I think it's important for a girl to remind herself that she dosen't have to be "perfect."
It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that my home must look the ones on HGTV. It's also easy to start thinking that my home is not up to par if it's not perfectly clean.
THUS the purpose of this blog post.
So I will remind you dear girl-
life is not perfect. Nor are you, neither is your home to be.
We can strive for excellence, we can work to bring God glory in how we clean, take care of our children, dogs etc...
We can fold clothes till midnight for the glory of God and the good of our husbands, and we can have hot meals ready for the hungry husband when he walks through the door.
HOWEVER--- this will not always be the case. There are days, soup spills out onto the counter. Kids yell at eachother, mommy (who has not showered) loses her cool, and dinner burns. It's life. And that's the truth.
SO what do we do when the kids scream and dinner burns? What do we do when the laundry piles up and we feel as though there are insufficent funds in the energy bank of life?
We have grace for ourselves.
We put down the broom.
We make some coffee.
We go potty. *truth*
We kiss our kids.
We thank God for the messy house because at least we have a house.
We thank God for the kids because we have them.
We praise God that we are alive.
And we praise Him for anything else we can think of.

So dear girl-

If the dishes are piling up- and your honey is due home any minute, you still have not showered and your kids are looking as though they might need 4 baths tonight to get clean, give yourself grace. Each day is unique, chances are tomorrow you will feel like super mom.
God gave you this day in all it's glory so praise Him for it.
You can eat cherios for dinner. Your family won't die.
You can shower later-
and your children will one day get along. Just pray for the grace for today, and rest in the fact that God is helping you through.

A long way up

If we looked at our journey from the bottom of the mountain I am fairly confident most of us would never even take the first step. But our lives instead are a constant steady motion of going forward, step by step, day by day.
As believers we can take comfort in the fact that we do not go this journey alone.
And what plans God has for us along the way are for our betterment, plans not to harm us, but to prosper us.
Does that verse feel worn out to you? Do those words not hold the same encouragement they did at the beginning of the journey when you were fresh? Was the start line so far behind you that  you've lost sight of what life looked like before you began this journey? Then this message is for you.
Despair not my friend.
You may be halfway up the steepest, seemingly unspeakable mountain. Are the rocks sharper than you care to speak of? The terrain rougher than you'd ever have believed? Raise your eyes child...
Look to the next step and see, your faithful Father stands with hand extended.
He will not time warp you to tomorrow, because He is with you in the now. He is standing with you on the rocky crag of today.
I've stood there on the ledge of today, and wanted to give up. When I was weary before I even began. But this usually happened when I looked down, or up the mountain, I have come to recognize the beauty of looking at the here and now. At looking at today. Only. Each step will come as He leads you by the hand.
There is no danger HE will not walk through with you. He will never leave you up there on the mountain. You however can turn around and leave His path, but the journey down without Him is worse than the journey up with Him. The climb may feel difficult, but in this journey you are learning things you could never learn had you not started up the mountain.
Whatever day it was that He looked at you and said, "Follow me.." as HE started up the journey He wanted to take you on...the date matters not, but what matters is that you followed Him. Stay in step with Him. Do not turn to the right or the left. You will hear a voice behind you saying, "this is the way, walk in it.." His Spirit will lead and guide you!
DO NOT DESPAIR! DO NOT TURN BACK. Keep moving in step with Lord.
He has you where He has you for a reason. He will never leave you. He will never run farther than He knows you can go. Be affirmed in His constant presence. Be assured of His knowledge. OF His wisdom! He knows what you need. He knows how much you can handle. HE knows your limits and He meets you when you get to the end of yourself. He will not stretch you farther than you can go because He made you, so He knows you fully. All your strengths, all your weaknesses, all your desires and all your hurts. He knew you before you even were.
Do you feel your assurance mounting? Do you recognize you are not alone?
HE laid down His life, that we could be set free. He wants to free us from whatever masters us. When you started up the mountain you are currently marching up, there was probably some personal demons He asked you to leave behind. Some things that held you captive, some ideology that He wanted to free you from. Whether it be some past negative thinking, some old way you used to live, some bondage of the mind... He looks at us and says, "Lets leave that baggage behind so you can walk up this mountain free..." but usually we try to lug it up the mountain for a while...soon we recognize how heavy our burdens are, so we begin to lay them down one by one in the grace that which HE provides. If we could see with spiritual eyes, we'd see back down the path we've climbed and it would be littered with our baggage. Hurt, pain, fear, dis-trust, anger and many other things that have held us captive would be littered along the path.
It is so freeing to travel hands free.
Like when you drop your suitcases at the baggage claim, and walk through the rest of the air port with out something heavy to pull! Isn't that freeing? When you transition from huge diaper bag, to small purse...how nice it is when your children learn to walk and can get out of that big baby car seat...life is full of examples of how lighter loads free us.
This is the process by which HE takes us as HE frees us from our past, our sin and our sorrows.
Jesus teaches us along the journey, and reveals to us our need to lay it down.
So here you are, on the mountain side, and feeling as though there is no end in sight. Is it the end that you really want?
I'm really not even sure any more, walking with Him has been so amazing..
I've learned more on this journey that I could ever begin to explain, but I'm going to try to take all these things i've learned, hold them up as treasures in my heart, and use these nuggets
to encourage others...
One day, I woke up, laced up my hiking boots and got ready for my journey for that day, excited about what He would teach me along the path, unafraid of what I'd have to go through, because as I had learned from the past, He is always with me. Over the past years of climbing I had seen how constant He was, and knew that I no longer needed to fear. The next step that i'd take really mattered not to me anymore because I knew He'd be there with me. As we walked He stopped. I stopped too. Knowing He is the light unto my path .... "Look over there, " He said, and pointed just a few steps ahead of us. "The top" He said. My heart caught in my throat. All these years of walking up this mountain, and we were finally here. The top. I had grown to love this rugged mountain. Filled with crags, and rough patches, times it was so steep I almost had to crawl. I had put blood, sweat and tears into this mountain side, and now that I had reached the top I wasn't even sure I wanted to be done. But here we were. The top. Tears started to roll down my cheeks, I recalled all I had learned along the way, and I began to slip to my knees. As I kneel there, at the top of the mountain I worshiped Him who had stood by my side the entire time. I praised Him and recounted every time He had called me to stand, taking my hand and helping me to continue  on. "Now what?" I asked? He looked at me, the deep wrinkles in face turned out as He smiled the  biggest smile I'd ever seen, and He replied, "Follow me..." In my joy I stood and together, I looked  back down the path we climbed up, only now, the path seemed different. It really wasn't the path that was different though, it was I who had changed. He had made me stronger, braver, and more confident in HIS ability to help and save. I started my climb afraid, doubtful, and trembling. He made me confident, hope-filled and fully trusting in His ability to completely save me. It was Him all along who got me through, and now I knew it for sure. I had such a history now to build on. I had a not a leg of my own to stand on, but knowing fully He was all I needed. And would ever need. Before I started the trip down, I stopped, and asked Him if I could spend a moment reflecting on all that He had done, He nodded. I built an alter on that mountain and offered sacrifices of thanksgiving and praise to the one who had set me free and conquered. Just as my forefathers had done years and years ago. I rose from my knees, and I told Him I was ready. He took me by the hand and together we started down that mountain, all the while I praised His holy, all powerful name.  I do not know what the next journey will look like but I am not afraid of it. His track record has been one of consistancy that makes me trust Him fully. I know my true journey, my ultimate journey will not end until I reach heeaven, but along the way as I travel this earth He will make me, shape me, and use me. And for this I am eternally grateful.

Perfect Forcast

You all know what that "perfect" day looks like, where no cloud is in the sky, the sun is shining and the temps are warm and the slight breeze is a delightful touch on your face. We've all had those days. Those are the days we tend to make big plans, and spend the days outside, rejoicing in the beauty of God's creation.
It always amazes me how different each day can be. One day may be as the description above, and the very next day the clouds can set in and the winds pick up and can bring  with it rain and turmoil. The creation we rejoiced over now somehow seems dark and we wonder, "what happened to the sun?"
It's on these darker days, these windy days, these cold days that we wonder, "why the change God?"

It's also on these cold, darker days that we decide, "it'd be better if I just stay in today."

I've noticed a trend in my own life that reminds me of the weather. When my life feels happy, sunny and joyful I tend to tell God, "yes, I'm available today, use me!"  And I gladly strap on my shoes, roll up sleeves and get to work.
But, what about the day that I wake up and the skies feel dark, and the rain is drizzling down in my heart, and with much heaviness I look to God and say, "Lord, today is the not the day I can do anything for you." And I hang the "closed " sign on my heart.
It's not that God couldn't still use me on these days, but I am not a very willing participant. This can happen periodically, and it may seem there are no negative affects  to those who observe this process...but it in essence says to God, "I call the shots, and I will be of service to you on my watch."
I do not recall Jesus ever saying that in His word or with His deeds in the 30 some years HE walked the earth...

What happens when it's been raining in your heart for weeks on end? Do you sit all these days out? Do you tell God that this is just a season that you are putting a "temporarily out of business" sign on your heart?

I've done this before. I close my doors, I shut my windows and tell GOD that when He brings the sun back out, then I will strap on my boots and head out into service again. But as long as keeps the rain coming, I'm going to stay where it's safe.

What happens though when the rain does. not. leave.

Anyone ever had this? You go to bed with such high human hopes that tomorrow will be good? And then tomorrow comes and the heaviness in your heart remains? We've all had these seasons i'm sure.
But in all transparency, ask yourself, "what do I do with this season?"

I will tell you what God asked ME to do. He handed me an umbrella, and a pair of rain boots, and said, "You can still got out."
I looked at Him in disbelief. I could not believe that He was asking me to work in these types conditions.
"Im not well rested. This rain has been keeping me up at night."

"come to me and I will give your soul rest" He said.

That was not the particular type of rest I was looking for I said.

But He persisted with my rain gear. When I failed to reach out and take it, He set it by the door and told me it'd be there until I was ready to take it.

I had no idea what that meant, but I grabbed my blanket and curled up my feet under me, and stared out the window, shaking my head, and musing to myself that I couldn't believe that He would ask me to do that. "pffff....go outside in these conditions. unbelievable."

Oh my hard heart. How I sorrow over my disbelief in His ability to conquer over the storm.

As the story continues, I will not leave you hanging, the rain did continue. I did not see the sun even peek it's face out for weeks on end. I started to despair. I began to contemplate moving. Thinking that if I moved to a new location my sun would come back out.
I took a little vacation even. I packed my t-shirts and flip flops, but when I got off the airplane, to my dismay, the rain had followed me.

I cried out in anger.

As I got out of the car upon returning from my attempted escape from reality, I stood at the gate by house, standing there in there rain, I looked up at the sky, and said to the sky..."you win. I surrender." And sopping wet, I ran in the house, and came out shortly with my rain boots on, and my umbrella in hand.

As I stood there with my rain gear, I waited, I asked Him, "what do you want me to do?"
I started walking. Looking. Watching.
Little drops fell off my umbrella, and splashed into the puddles that gathered all around me.
As I began to walk farther, listening to the rain, I began to enjoy myself. I saw the little bugs running too and fro, dodging the drops. I saw birds, splashing in the rain, and puddles.
The rain began to sound like a little song in my ears.
I saw a lady struggling with her groceries, so I stopped to help her. She smiled at me in appreciation. "I'm so glad you were out here to help me in this!" She exclaimed.
My heart caught in my throat.
"me too..." I replied.
I kept walking.
I saw a man in a wheelchair, getting soaked as he slowly made his way down the sidewalk. I handed him my umbrella. He looked at me in appreciation. As I watched him wheel down the sidewalk with my umbrella hooked to the back of his chair, I felt my heart warm and swell with joy.
I didn't even feel the rain splashing on my head as I continued on.
I shared a laugh with another fellow as I passed and we joked about our soaked condition. We walked together for a bit, encouraging each other.... He called out after me, " the rain will stop at some point."

Tears sprang to my eyes, I smiled, and responded, "I know, but I can still enjoy the day, even if it doesn't."
The man smiled back at me, "that's the spirit.." He said, and gave me a wink.

My step was lighter now. I almost felt like skipping. "Nice day..." I commented to myself as I walked onward. Completely soaked and happy...I knew this was what The Lord was talking about now.
All I'd seen and what I'd been learning, was building up to this day.
It was all to help me follow His plan.
I can't profess that I understand it. But I see His hand holding my hand.

As I rounded the bend to my home, I saw the lights on, and a fire going in my house..as I walked up my walkway, He opened my cottage door for me, there He stood, smiling. "Nice walk?" He asked. The tears sprang to my eyes.
I hung my head.
He reached out, lifting my chin, He made my gaze meet His. "I'm not mad at you...but this was something I had to teach you." He said.
Looking at Him with tear filled eyes I nodded. "Im sorry for my attitude.." I said.
"I forgive you. I always will forgive you.." He said.
Now I was sobbing. I threw my arms around His neck.
He embraced me for a while, and comforted me.
After HE left, I saw a new umbrella sitting in the corner of my entry way. I smiled knowing He had left it for me.

The next day when I woke up, I hoped it would rain! And true my hopes, it was raining! Laughing I jumped out of bed, I grabbed my boots and new umbrella, and ran out the door. I smiled, laughing as I waved at everyone I passed, "Nice day!" I called out to a woman I passed on the walkway. She looked at me in disbelief. And timidly smiled back.
As I came to the street sign that flashed "stop" I stopped to wait for the traffic, I looked over at the fellow I was standing next to, waiting for the light as well. There HE was! He looked at me, giving my shoulder a little half hug squeeze, the smile lines that ran deep in His face shot out as the corners of His mouth pulled up in a great big smile. "well done." He said.
Together we walked on.

The sun may come out soon, but even if it doesn't, I'm OK. I have Him to walk with. And now I know that I can't just work when the conditions are perfect.


I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:11-13 NIV)

jump

Your toes touch the edge. Heart pounding you look down. Catching your breath you take a quick step back. not yet... "i'm not ready you think to yourself."

Your body is filled with mixed feelings of fear, relief and regret all in one.

Furrowing your brow with determination you say, "No!" And you step forward again till your toes almost go over the edge a bit. A rock moves and tumbles below you. Hitting the bottom of ravine a deafening "click" on the bottom of the ravine. 

Without thinking another thought your feet are off the edge, the feeling of soaring through the air nearly takes your breath away...the air fills your lungs like you've never felt for. Electricity pulses through your veins. What a rush. You looked fear in the face and you told it "NO." And you jumped.

The ropes of course caught you like they told you they would. It's hard to put your faith in something that is hardly visible. But as you found when you jumped, you were saved. Just as you were told you would be. Glancing back up from where you jumped from, you shoot your fist up in the sky as a victory cry escapes your lips...I'm not afraid you say.

There is only a step between faith and fear. One little step. 

And almost every person comes to a place at least once in their life where they have to make a choice. "Will I jump?" SO what edge are you standing on today? Is there an impossible situation you've faced? Has someone asked you to do something you think is impossible?  Have you faced a scene that seems done? A brick wall? 

The other night as I sat in my own little storm, I felt the waves crashing everywhere. Threatening to tip my boat over. I felt the freezing cold water on my face, and I thought of all the possible things that could go wrong. The boat felt safe, but I knew that I couldn't stay in the boat forever. 

"do you trust me?" I felt Him whisper over me...

"Yes Lord..." I whispered back.

I knew what He wanted me to do. I fought Him. For several nights I fought Him. I grabbed my fears back into my arms, stuffed them in my pockets and went back down below deck to try and sleep. 

SO then the next night He met me again. The storm was even more violent than it was the night before. It really felt as though my little boat was going to sink.  And then He called out to me again.."Do you trust me?" 

My heart pounded. I knew this was moment of truth. With my heart pounding nearly out of my chest I looked at Jesus and nodded.

Smiling He looked at me with a hand extended to me from the sea, and said, "what are you waiting for then?"

It was then that my heart leaped from chest and I literally jumped out of the boat like a hunting dog leaping for his masters kill in the water. I leapt. 

And do you know what? He caught me.

As I stayed there out in the unknown territory, what once felt so unsafe, now felt like the best place to be.

I knew I was right where He wanted me.

There is only one small step  that stands in the gap between fear and faith.

Has God asked you to move? Has He asked you do something that your flesh is fighting? Our flesh wants to stay where it's comfortable and safe. God may not always be safe, but in the center of His flame is the safest place you can be.

"The fear of The Lord is the beginning of knowledge." Proverbs.

If the fear of The Lord, is the start, then I have spent the first half my life just getting ready to start. 

I need not fear anything because God is the one who is in all, and by Him all things are held together.

HE works all things for the good of those who love Jesus and He is my blessed assurance.

He preserves me, and He is sustainer. 

Have I anything to fear? No. 

For He who is in me is greater than the one who is in the world.

If you are not assured by His presence, ask for His presence to be yours. If you are not comforted by Him being the only one you need to fear then ask Him to meet you at your point of fear. Ask Him to give you the courage through Him to step out, and leap through the air.

It may be only One step, but it's one step you cannot take in your own strength.

Every night I whisper prayers over my children to fill them with the peace of Him who holds them all night.."Fear not for I am with you..." -Jesus.

I'm in the center of His will, and it's not where I thought I'd find freedom, but jumping off my safety platform was the best (His best) I've ever experienced. 

When you read the scriptures with this mindset, it makes them come alive. When your starting point is fearing Him only, there is nothing to make you fear, and HIS word will ignite  in you what only He can. True life starts here.

No place I would rather be. But here in your love. 

It's not safe, but it's perfect. 

jump. 

I Already Paid For That----- (The Flight)

Sometimes when a person views the Christian life, it simply can feels like a list of "do's"
 and "don'ts." And ironically, many believers can fall into the trap of living like it's just a list of "do's" and "don'ts." We are by nature people who like to pay for our own price. Most people have a hard time accepting gifts in the payment form. And we are not quick to take a "hand out."
That is what makes Jesus's death on the cross for our sins so radical. It's saying in essence, the thing that you hold so close, your very life, was paid for and redeemed by Jesus.
"You mean I don't have to do anything to get Him to pay my price?" And the answer is, "Believe in Me." John 14...
I always have struggled feeling like I need to earn God's love. Be better. Do more. Live perfectly.
Well it's true that His word says, "Be holy for I am holy." And in some translations that says, "be perfect for I am perfect." But that holy living is not done in the name of, "Earning His love." For I will never be perfect enough to pay for my own sins. And when I strive, and search, and grasp to be better, please Him by making "sacrifices" and striving to be a little better than the next guy, none of this will add to my payment for my salvation, or earn me "more love" from God. The bills been paid, and the love tank is eternally full. It will not run out, or run dry.
You see we often view heavenly things, from an earthly perspective. In our world we have to pay for everything and there "is no such thing as  a free lunch." SO surely there must be SOMETHING we must do to earn God's love?
The answer is simple. Believe in the One He sent.
Striving has ceased.
Works have ceased.

We surrender to the One who paid our debt, and took our place. This is what it means to believe. To say with our actions, and our words that He paid our debt.

So in here has lay my problem for so many years. I have always said with my mouth "Jesus paid my debt." But with my actions, I am always trying to earn His approval.
When in reality, all the approval I ever needed was given to me freely the day I accepted Jesus's payment for my sin.
I put myself under a microscope and if there is anything that appears unrighteous in my life, I take a tweezers and extract it. I try to be perfect. That is just not possible my friends.
Perfection is found in Christ alone.
I will never be able to act, respond, and be perfect.
Now I can seek Him for  holiness, because He is my example, but I will not have to strive. Because holiness relies on Him to refine me, I look to Him for this type of growth.
I don't strive endlessly in vain pursuit of something that is unattainable in my own strength.

It's like this. I can flap my arms as hard as I can, even visualizing wings on my arms, I can strive this way for my entire life, but no matter how hard I strive, I will never fly this way.
However, I can board  an airplane, calmly lay my head back on the seat, and take flight with no real effort, other than that a boarding pass had be paid.
SO it is with Jesus. He payed my boarding pass. I am on the flight. Were are mid-air because Jesus got me there. There is nothing I have to do stay there in the air except to remain on the plane. If I jump off the plane and start violently flapping my arms, well I will crash to my death. My striving will bring me nothing.

So keeping in line with air plane analogy, I realized the hard way that I was trying to lift myself off the ground with my own arms, and it was getting me no where. So I took the ticket that Jesus handed me the day I received salvation, I boarded the air-plane and here I am. Enjoying the flight. There have been bumps along the flight, because everyone faces turbulence in their lives. Sometimes great, sometimes light, but regardless...when Jesus sees the fear in my eyes, and comes and sits down next to me, puts His hand on my knee and says It's going to be OK, I'm in control.
My white knuckles release and I am able to lay my head down and rest again.

You see, nothing I sacrifice on this earth will amount to anything, unless it is a sacrifice He has told me to make. Nothing I strive with will add to anything, unless He points to me, and say, "I've got a job for you to do today!"
And then it's with excitement that I can jump from my seat knowing He has something for me! I love it when He does this.
We are to love our fellow passengers, and love our Pilot.
And even this, daily He will help us unpack what that will look like.
Striving has ceased.

I'm done flapping my arms. I feel like a chicken when I do this. Striving, working hard, and never really going anywhere near where I feel like I should be. Striving in the flesh will fill you pride, if you happen to lift off a few inches, it will tire you and it will also cause you to make a lot of sacrifices you would not be required to make had you just accepted His grace to lift you up high in the sky...

SO if you don't mind, you can now unfasten your seat belts and feel free to move about the cabin at your leisure, we have to now reached an altitude of  45,000 feet. Enjoy your flight.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, though faith and this in not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8,9

"O Praise the One who paid my debt, who raised my life, up from the dead!" -song

Trying to "Figure it out"

It's that moment after the ball drops and all you're left with is an array of glass laying at your feet, in pieces like a Picasso painting. The wonderings and musing, and questions soon follow...(for me)
I scratch my head and think, "what did I do wrong.." "how did this happen?" "why did this happen.." I've heard it said that , "answers to the questions do not really make the pain go away..." but somehow I feel that if only I could just "figure it out.." I'd be better off. " So I wouldn't make the same mistake again..."
And then there is the old adage, "everything happens for a reason..." I swore I'd hit the next person who said that to me in the wake of my dropped glass ball.
My heart was filled with wondering and uncertainty.... until.... I rested.
That may seem like a oxymoron, to rest in uncertainty...but that may be another unique definition of faith rightly placed. Faith placed on the Unchanging One, allows me to rest, to lay down and sleep in the pile of my broken dreams and know that God who holds all things together, will turn this all for good.
The process in which it took to get me to my place of rest will be different than it is for you. Mine was  a twisty road, filled with mistakes and setbacks, but that is because I continually stopped along the way to point things out to my Maker. I'd whine a lot, and muse to Him that this was not my idea of a good time. My patient faithful Father would just stay constant and study with me, and we'd carry on. Always reassuring me along the way, whispering, "I'll never leave you..." as we walked along.
I'd try and do things to please God, thinking that in these actions I'd make Him so pleased that we could turn around and go back to, "the way things used to be, you know, before the ball dropped." He would stay constant and study...as I reeled at His unchanging course.
His ways are sure. He ways are true. As constant as the setting sun. I liked this truth about Him until He was relentlessly pursuing me... to have ALL of me.
Constantly I'd hear Him say, "trust me!" and His actions were always consistent with His words.
"Along unfamiliar paths you will lead me..."
There would be times along the journey that I would feel His peace and rest in His plans, and trust in His WAY,  and I would be so at peace. Then I would start to try and EARN His love and acceptance and favor again, thinking that if I was a good enough little girl, He'd give me what I wanted.
"thats not how it works..." He would say. "it's by grace your saved by me, not by works so that no one can boast." The gift of God is eternal life. But the key word is "gift.." you do not earn gifts. You receive gifts by the grace of Giver.
"Oh...OK.." I'd say, and He'd take my hand or put His arm around me and we'd carry on.
When he'd take my hand, or lift me up in His arms, it's as if He was saying, "I'm not mad at you daughter, but lets stay focused. Let's carry on..."
I'd wrap my arms around His neck when He'd pick me up...He knew when I was too weak to walk anymore. And He'd just carry me in His rest for 10, 12 hours sometimes....I'd lay my head on shoulder and I'd sleep... He always knows exactly what I need.

We came to a clearing in the path. Deep set in mountains, and there was a river. SO we sat down there and were still.
"Be still and know that I am God, and that I have great plans for you..."
I let those words sink it. I meditated on them. I rested in them for several minutes before I gather the courage to ask, " SO there is nothing I have to do to earn your rest?"
"Just that you would rest in me..."
The relief that flooded over me was inexplainable with words. I threw my arms around His neck and all I could do was weep, and say "Thank you."

"This is all my hope and peace, nothing but blood of Jesus! "

There is nothing in all of creation that will make me more holy in His sight than simple trust and faith in His Son's blood that was shed for me. This acceptance of His finished work on the cross makes me more and more thankful each day. Knowing that I bring nothing to table but my sin, and His grace that is all sufficient fills me with the peace that surpasses all understanding... and in that I can rest.

It's as if I equated that if my plans do not turn out the way I wanted my plans to turn out, when I wanted them to turn out, it meant that God did not love me. And that in order for my plans to turn out the way I desired, I had to do something more to earn His love and favor.

His love is not earned. It's given. His blessings are bestowed in countless ways that one cannot even begin to count...and His favor, like a staff, is constant as we lean on Him and rest in His way in surrender.

My greatest heartache, became my greatest surrender, which ultimately became my greatest journey towards resting in Him.

And my journey, and your journey is not done until the day God calls us home. So let us keep the faith, rest in Him, remind one another of how His plans are perfect, and good and right...and encourage one another that it by grace alone that we are saved!!!!

Even the surrender is not done in our own strength. In quiet trust, we rest. Knowing He's got the whole world in His hands. And He, unlike me, never drops the ball.  I have come to realize this process of surrender in my own life, and that if a ball drops in our lives, it's because He first of all allowed it, and second of all, He plans on putting the pieces back together in such a way that we are more whole than we ever were prior the ball dropping in the first place.