I always prided myself in being a person who has "no expectations" for circumstances, I always was a self-proclaimed, "spur of the moment kinda gal" and it seems I may have been wrong in my personal assessment.
It seems as though every day has something new to offer, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but for the most part, if the conditions of my day are not meeting my own standard, I'm mad, frustrated and grouchy. Not pleasant sounding characteristics now are they?
How long have I been guilty of this? Oh, I'd say ALL MY LIFE.
I guess I'm glad I'm figuring it out now instead of on my death bed, but seriously friends, how long must I beat a dead horse before I realize the stupid thing is dead? OK. Rant is over.
I realize this about myself because each day is not supposed to be shaped according to my expectations, rather, I NEED to learn to wake up and say, "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." (regardless of how I FEEL.)
Acknowledgment of the problem is of course the first step in overcoming, and healing. BUT now what? I guess my best option is to hit my knees in prayer.
I look to His wisdom to teach me from here on out, because lets face it friends, on my own, "i've got nothin." (excuse the bad grammar)
I have recognized the endless spin cycle I've been on, and the cycle has been on repeat for a while now. I just keep saying, "I'm gonna get this shirt clean till it's perfect..." so I keep putting it in the wash over and over and over again, thinking I might obtain perfection.
The perfect attitude, perfect health, perfect fitness, perfect children, perfect quiet time, perfect listening skills...why all this perfection? Because maybe THEN I'll be at peace. Maybe then I'll be wholly satisfied. Wrong. CONTENTMENT is found in Christ. Oh yes, I remember that Hebrews 10 talks about that.
Never will He leave me nor forsake me...
Or this one, "fix your eyes on Jesus...that author and PERFECTER of my faith"
Seems to me as though my eyes have been completely focused on my will...and my circumstances for my personal gratification and satisfaction. Anyone with me? Please say yes so I don't stand here alone...
O Jesus i'm so sorry...
I know that no one, or nothing can be perfect except Jesus...He alone is perfect and that's why He is my Savior. The only perfect One, the only ONE whose holy. The only one who's opinions matter.
God does what's best for me. Why do I keep forgetting this truth?!!!
It's hard to see Him and His wondereous glory when my eyes are so fixated on myself and my circumstances. This world is not my home.
Is my world frustrating? YES! It is!! Because I live on earth! SO don't fix your eyes on your frustration I tell myself...(and anyone else who's listening...because I'm the crazy person who's talking to herself out loud, very loud)
Do you experience sickness?! YES!!! Because your on a desolate land that was cursed with sin and sickness and death!!! Why? Because man sinned. Oh yes. I forget that.
I want my house to be perfect. I never want a speck of dirt on my floor. I never want kids's toys laying around. I want perfection. That's impossible. AND prideful.
I want a lot of things that don't line up with His perfect plans for me. The things I WASTE all my time and energy on are things that are no eternal value. Why am I so slow in learning this?!
What has eternal value?
Things that further the Kingdom. Focusing on ME less, and others needs more. OTHERS comfort more, comforting other in Christ...HE in turn will take care of me!
He gave me my sweet children. Now, will I hush them and tell them to leave me alone? No. I will not. I will engage them. I will teach them. I will nurture them. (in HIS strength)
Is this always FUN?! NO! It's not! It's sometimes really hard to do the right thing though! But here's the good part. When I am obedient, when I do what I know HE wants me to, He gives me all I need to do it. He fills me with joy, energy and patience. I start enjoying the job I was to tired to start, and I start doing it well. I start doing things the way I was CREATED to them.
Jesus does not want robots. He made us with passions, loves, interests and abilities... how am I helping my kids to cultivate those things as I encourage them with my new found desire to lay myself flesh and self aside.
I believe what I am desiring is SPIRIT LED LIVING. Thriving. Not surviving. Passion. Not coasting.
There are days, where my days will not FEEL perfect. Feelings are fickle. Feelings are fading. Truth is what stands. What is the truth about each and every day I face?
1)I have the love of a Savior who died for me.
2) His strength is available to me every single moment I call on Him.
3) I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives me strength.
4) I will screw up because I am a work in progress
5) His grace is all sufficient for me.
6) His power is made perfect in my weaknesses.
I can go on but I think you get the idea my friends.
I no longer think it's my life that's flawed completely, I think it's my thinking. I think it's flawed that in my thinking I place my joy and hope in my circumstances and in my approval on what a "good day" ought to look like.
How is it that Paul sang hymns in prison? (my life is a vacation to the Bahama's compared to his)
forgive me for my self-centered selfish outlook on life Lord!
And I sang with tear filled eyes on Sunday:
"Jesus, Jesus, your the answer to all I'm searching for. Your my strength, your my peace, your my hope in the stormy sea, your life, my very source, my guiding light, where ever I may go...your what my heart is long for...."
Can I get an amen. AMEN!
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