Letting Go Of My Dreams.

What a sad title isn't it? Or is it?
We all have that big dream don't we? You know, the "one" that would change everything...
Maybe it's falling in love with the right person, finding that perfect soul-mate...
Maybe it's finally getting accepted at our dream school, or program, maybe it's the "yes" when you keep getting "no."
Regardless of the dream, we've all got at least one, and we all have the big one that would make our life complete.
Of course I've had mine.
And without realizing it, I put my dream on an alter and started to secretly worship it. It wasn't as if I would kneel down before the image of dream, but in my heart, and in my thoughts I elevated my dream to the status of something worth living for. My dream would change everything. (if I got it) If God would only hurry up, answer my prayer, and give me my dream.
Oh boy.
Am I really going to look the all-knowing, all-surpassing greatness of my Father in heaven and tell Him that He really ought to hurry up with MY plans for ME? I did. I did do that. Many times. I asked HIM, I begged Him, I cried with a truly sorrowful heart...I wept on my knees, all the while blaming Him for withholding from me, the one dream that would make my life better.
Anyone else reading between the lines here for with me?
HE is to be my only satisfaction. HE is to be the one who makes everything else make sense! HE already happened in my life! HE is my miracle.
But until I realized the greatness of my sin in how I elevated my dreams, I would not realize how far I had fallen.
I did realize it.
I cried.
A lot.
But this time, my tears were not that of, "why haven't you answered my prayers.." instead, they were tears of sorrow over the sin I had been walking in. The sin that claimed, my will over His. The sin that put a dream, a mere idea, a promise, above my God...nothing I could dream up could ever complete me like my God can complete me.
This was the grass of change poking up through the frozen ground of my heart. Break-through began that day. So I did something extreme. I wrote MY dream on a piece of paper, and with shaking hands, I held it up to My Father. Tears streaming down my face, at the top of my lungs I cried, "Lord! You mean more..." I offered my idol to the Lord, my dream to the Father, my hopes, my personal plans for myself and laid them at the foot of the cross.
I rose.
As I rose I felt the weight lifted off my back. The weight that was put upon me as I daily obsessed about my dream, on how I would attain it, and the worry that came with it, knowing fully that God was in control, and I was only pretending that I had some part in my future. God plans my future, not I. I was playing God in my mind, and weight of the burden I carried in order to play this role, was crushing me.
I literally felt lighter. My whole body felt free. I feel like chains were broken that day. I no longer needed anything more than I needed God.
Christ was re-elevated to the place in my mind that He should have been at all along.
It's amazing how quickly my dream took priority in my thoughts and in my heart, and I didn't even realize it. That is the deception of sin. It's so quiet, sneaky and sounds like truth. But it's not. Nothing can be more elevated in my mind than God. Nothing.
It very well may be that God may intend to give or bless me with my dream someday. But the weight of worry of the when, and how is gone. The desire to scratch and scrape in hopes of attaining my dream, are also gone. God is in control. I'm done playing God.
I never stopped worshiping Him, but I felt Him time and time again ask me, "are you worshiping me and following hard after me simply because you love me, or are you searching me out in hopes that I will merely give you what you want." And I have to confess, many days I sought hard after God with tear stained eyes looking for some sign that He was about to give me my desires.
He wants me to seek Him in all things, but not with the heart motives I had. God sees the heart. He knows what is in a man.
That is why I never have to worry about Him knowing. He's already there.
So yesterday I started singing that song, "Even if the healing never comes" By Kutless, here it is friends, enjoy and listen with hearts that open to His plans, His ways and simply Him over your desires.
He is King over this flood. And I for one, am resting in the storm...