The Big Picture

You have heard it said I'm sure, "good in, good out...?" I think the Lord is trying to communicate something important to me about what lies within my heart. At the heart of every men is evil...we are by nature this way, and God knows it. I am gravely aware of the sin that lives in my heart, and although my lips may something kind, my heart can be feeling quite differently. My motives are key. And the only way my motives are going to be pure is if I am powered daily in my every move by the truth of Christ, and respect/fear of God. If I don't respect God or fear Him, it wouldn't really matter to me then if my heart was junk. What does it matter if no-one will ever see it? Turns out, it matters greatly. In fact, it's the only thing that matters.
Earlier this week the Lord gave me this verse..."For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks..." Matthew 12:34
When I first received this verse I thought, "Now that's a good verse to remember," and I went on my way...today as God gave me this verse from a completely different source I stopped, and took notice. Perhaps God is trying to tell me something regarding the state my heart is in. I know that I am selfish, that I am prideful, that I am concerned with myself more than others most of the time, and those things are gross. They are not things that I want to have residing anywhere in me, but there they are...all ugly and in their glory of sin.
My heart feels black many days...but here's the big picture:
While we were yet sinners Christ died for us..." and therefore, wouldn't it make sense that He would also extend us a hand of not only forgiveness but also a way out of our depraved state...? The answer is yes. He speaks to us through His word, as we read it, we are impacted, convicted and hopefully led to a state of repentance. I see things differently when I have an honest fear, trust and understanding that God is doing whats best for me. (Even if it's hard, because real change usually is!)
It's similar to the way that we discipline our children, we warn them, whack them on the bottom, tell them we love them, and wait for their naughty behavior to change...
But if we never talk to them about what they did wrong, and why it was wrong, their actions would most likely repeat themselves in the very near future....If we don't understand why the ugly in our hearts is ugly, then we most likely won't be terribly influenced to change permanently... Once the sting of the spank has worn off, we will once again return the thing that got us our spank in the beginning...
I don't want to repeat that vicious cycle, it hurts, their is no peace there, not to mention that I am not content always thinking and doing what is naughty in His eyes.
I want to correct my behavior for the right reasons. God does not want a bunch of zombies walking around only being obedient out of fear...He wants us to be obedient because we love Him and we respect His plans for us so greatly that we want even the motives of heart that no one else can see, to be pure. That's what I want for myself. I want my motives to be pure regardless if anyone will ever know it. (other than God) There is a level of excellence that is available to me from He who created me....I can be good for His glory, or I can be excellent for His glory...
It's like how we are with our children, it's nice that they throw the comforter on their bed to try and make it, but wouldn't we rather that they tighten the sheets nicely, and neatly fold the covers back so that their bed looks perfect?
God knows we are not perfect...but we also can leap to a level of excellence, fueled by the strength of Christ and the desire to have our motives and hearts pure, all for the glory of God. Their is a bigger thing going on here my friends, it's not just about making it through the day, it's about pleasing Him in ALL our actions, ALL our thoughts, (understanding we will fall at times) and knowing we are able to do this only in His great strength. That takes all the pressure off "trying harder" as well, because in and of itself, we can no more please God than we can spread out our arms and fly, but in His strength, we CAN do all things. Isn't that encouraging???? May today be a day of excellence!!!

Everything

Well, that word covers it all doesn't it? Last summer when I was so terribly sick with my pregnancy, a dear friend came over to be with me, as she was leaving she looked at me and said, "what should I enjoy and be thankful for that you are unable to have right now with your sickness...?" I looked at her, and I said..."Everything."

I was remembering that conversation yesterday as I was praying and thanking the Lord for what He gave me in the gift of this little baby who is currently asleep on my shoulder...and also, what He took me up out of, and what I'm headed into. That about covers it doesn't it? Where we've been been, where we are...and where we are headed...being able to see God in all of those, and thank Him for all of those, regardless of what they look like? That is a goal is it not...?

I am not saying that I am currently able to look at the Lord and say, "thanks for my trials..." but what I am saying is this, His goodness is in all of it, someway, somehow. I ran into an old friend yesterday and I was once again reminded of this...she is not in a good place physically, but spiritually, she is soaring. Why do those two circumstances usually go hand in hand? Spiritually strong, and physically weak? It was true for her and is true for me, when I am in trial, the Lord is my rock, my strength and my everything. When I am physically strong and sound, I feel little need to take my every breath in His name..."I can breath just fine on my own," is usually my thought....

Am I alone in this? I think not...As I listened to the testimony as of late that God has been growing in my friend whom I visited with yesterday was not a testimony of how great God was because everything was great in her life, it was a testimony of a girl who took her every breath by whispering His name. His name, is her breath of existence. I realized how beautiful that was to me, and how much glory she was bringing to His name by her testimony of dependence. I was greatly encouraged by her...

God's goodness does not equate life's goodness. God is good regardless. I have learned that simple truth over the past year and continue to be reminded of it as I daily depend on Him now. This life we live as sinful man and woman, it's not easy is it? And if it's easy, (in your own strength) then you most likely are not getting the most out of life in terms of bringing Him glory, because if we are honest with ourselves, there is not a day that goes by that we don't face some sort of human pain. It may be small, but every day holds a little bit of challenge or trial for us, and I ask myself right now..."where do I go in those moments?"

Where I go, greatly affects my next move. If I run to a girlfriend, I might feel better for a moment having been able to unleash my inner pit bull at life's disappointments, but in stark contrast if I run to the word, the truths of Christ, I will start to see things as they really are, and how He wants me to see them is different then the way I can see things in my own narrow human vision. As I gaze into His face through the scriptures, light is shed on my current trial, and I can suddenly see more clearly on what I ought to do, and how I ought to respond to bring Christ the most glory. You see, as we bring Christ glory, we also receive peace in our current trials, for we are most at peace when we are doing what we were designed to do, and what we were designed to do, was bring Christ glory. I don't know the trial that you are in right now my friend, but I'm betting there is something that you are struggling with, and as you struggle remember this, even in struggle we can have comfort. Even in trial, we can have peace. It's not easy at first to run to Christ, it's not what comes natural to us...but it's what will most encourage us. He designed us to need Him, and when we run to Him in our need, we are filled in a way that the other options the world offers us for comfort never could.

I have tried these options and let me tell you a little bit of how it goes...you get the "news" and your world begins to spin...you might say, "I need a vacation" or "I need a drink..." Or, " I can't do this anymore..." as you act on any one of those, after you resurface from that escape, guess what? The pain is still there...

Try this instead...as you get the "news" say this...."I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord..." Psalm 121

or "though the earth give way and the mountains quake with their surging, God is within her, she will not fall, God will uphold her with His righteous right hand. God will help her at the break of day.." Psalm 46

His comfort is everywhere....we only need to open His book and read it....receive it, and allow it wash over as us comforting balm.

His comfort is greater than anything the world will give you...and taking anything else to dull the pain, is only selling ourselves short of everything we were designed to do, give and receive.

Sometimes we are in pain because of bad choices we've made, and sometimes we are in pain because we live in a world filled with pain. But regardless, we have a God who is ready and willing to comfort us...if only we ask.

So won't you ask today? SO much comfort is there for you...for me...

And beyond the comfort that is there, I see that there is another opportunity, that is all encompassing to bring Him glory...it's all encompassing because if my situation is not going to bring Him glory, then I am not getting everything out of it that I was designed too. He is everything, He is in everything, He created everything and He is apart of everything that I go through...why not give Him the everything that He deserves? He deserves my everything. ALL I've got. Why? Because He gave me everything....and I have a future in heaven that will be everything I've ever dreamed, desired, or lost. Actually, it's going to be more...doesn't that bring you great comfort?

MORE

I know it's human nature, to want more. And once we've received "more.." we instinctively want just a little bit more, maybe just one More...

I've been wrestling with God about having More. Wanting More....knowing that what I desire is a good thing in and of itself...and often what we want is good.

But is it the best? The best for us? Only God knows that. And that of course is what I'm struggling with.

What led me to this thinking was this, in the book of Isaiah, it tells of the story of when King Hezekiah fell ill. Essentially, God told the king that he was going to die. It was a sure thing. The king of course did what any normal human being would do, and in his grief stricken state, fell before the Lord and begged for more. In the king's case, it was more years, more life...and life in and of itself...is good.

Ultimately, God honored this prayer and granted the king 15 more years. The king was thrilled with this, and vowed to praise God the rest of his years.

This story troubled me, and encouraged me all in one. Number one, it encouraged me because it's living proof that our prayers make a difference...but it troubled me because instantly I thought this..." who wants to know how many years they have left? who wants a cap put on their "more" "

And so, I began to put words to my thoughts.

I admit, wanting more has always been apart of my desires as a Mom. When I had one, I wanted two, and when I had two, I hit my knees and begged God for three. He gave me Grace. He gave me Grace and after I received Grace I told Him I'd really like one More.

This is where I'm sitting, and it's a hard place to sit, because I've had Dr's tell me, one More, would be too many, and life threatening to me. After I sobbed through my Dr's apt. and then sobbed through the rest of my day I began to pray. I went to the Lord and told Him, as Hezekiah did, that I wanted More...than I couldn't believe that this was "the end for me.." Just like Hezekiah, I'm young. He was only 39 I heard when He received His death sentence, and that is young for a King. I am only 27. That is young for a mom to be told, "no more."

I feel a little emotionally removed from this as I write this, and I think it's because I've sobbed all I can. It's not something I'm ashamed of, I know that I have done all I can to honor the Lord in my mothering. And yet, for some reason, this is what He seems to want for me. I am in crisis with my sentence and I know not what else to do, except do as I have done, and said this to the Lord...

"OK Lord, it's yours. I'm giving it back to you. You know my heart, my motives, my desires. Not all of them are good, and I confess that. And just as I said before when I was begging for "Grace", I say the same now...I want you more than I want More. For in you, is peace. IN you is joy, and without you, I have nothing."

I just came to a place where I could say this today. I'm sure I will weep about this more, and I'm sure I will question my trust in Him from time to time. But God is God...and I am not.

I want my joy back. I want my fear to be gone. I want my desires to line up with His. The only way I know how to make this happen, is to do what I am doing here. Confessing my desire for more, and laying it out before the Lord. I am CONVINCED that HE KNOWS BEST. He already gave me "Grace..." and as my eyes fell on the statement I'm about to share with you, I realized where I need to be. " Has His Grace to you caused you to be encouraged to live by faith in Him?" I can honestly say, that I have not be very encouraged since He gave me Grace. Until right now. I see something new in this. Yes of course I was blessed beyond belief to receive Grace, and I was thrilled that He answered my prayer and gave me Grace. But in the back of my mind, as thrilled as I was with Grace...I also wanted More.

God may not want me to have More. And just as I was uncertain if God wanted to give me Grace...I must do as I did then, and place my desire for Grace, and my desire for More, in the same place. And that place...is the foot of the cross. There is an element of just being thankful for what I have that also must come into play...so let me just say, for the record, I am BEYOND thankful for what I already have been given!!!!

So there it sits, my More. My More will sit there until either God gives me an answer, or brings me home. And I don't know when either of those things will be.

So as I hold God's Grace in my arms, I thank Him. And I wait patiently, knowing that if More is to be given to me, it's in by His means, and in His plans.

Biologically, I am told, More is not an option. But, I also know that in Him, all things are possible. So I trust. And I wait, knowing His way, is best and His answers are worth waiting for. Grace is living proof of that!!!!

So whether you my friend are in the waiting place, the place of acceptance, the place of denial, the place of grief...know this, if you are to have More...it will be. Because God is in the business of giving you whats best for you. And His best for you, is the only place we ought to be, all other places, are just mere cheap imitations of joy. And I for one, want the real deal. So whatever that looks like...I'm going to be there. And not just say I'm going to be there, I'M REALLY GOING TO BE THERE.

Who's with me? If I never have More, I know that God has already given me His best.

Prone to wander

Even with everything I know to be true about God, who He is, what He stands for (truth) and how my life takes form when He is the one leading me, I still wander. I still run. I still question, and ask, and beg for things that may not be what His design, designed for me.

How do I know when I am in His will? How do I know that I am right where I need to be? Has anyone else ever asked these questions? Have you ever said, "Lord, I just don't understand..." " Is this the right way for me to go?" Oh how I wish I had all the answers. It is normal for us to question, seek, search and then even when we find the answers, still prod further. Ultimately, we want, what we want, and it sure would be nice if that also was what God wanted for us. This is my thinking anyways...

I sit here before you friends with big decisions to make in my near future...decisions that will greatly affect my life, and the life of my family forever...and I want to know, is this right...

I am prone to wander. This line hit me like a block of cement between the eyes the other day...it's a line from a song and it says this "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love...Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."

SO what does that mean exactly? "Here's my heart Lord..." is sort of a good example of where I stand today...wanting to be perfectly in His will, but fearful that His will is not what a I want.

Anyone else ever felt that way? You want something SO bad. It seems to make sense with your "feelings" but everything else around you and within your soul screams.."this is right..."

It's a war really. We are at war with ourselves constantly, and at war with Christ and His desires for our lives.

I'm getting to a place in my life where I see, that truly, it doesn't pay to chase after my own desires...for when I do, I wind up miserable. When I lay down my self fulfilling passions, and allow Him to fill me with His passions, I am indeed more full than had I gone my way...

But friends, I am prone to wander. But it's His goodness that draws me back, another line from that song finally made sense to me for the very first time yesterday and then I had confirmation that truly, the Lord was speaking this line to me...

"And thy goodness like a fetter, draws my wandering heart to thee..." I always used to sing that line in the song and say "what the heck is a fetter?" and "what does it have to do with my heart?" Well, it has a lot to do with my heart...my heart, my passions, my desires, they all are drawn back to be in line with His heart, His passions, and His desires when I experience HIS GOODNESS. His GREAT, GREAT GOODNESS.

In the face of uncertainty, it's easy to feel as though He may not come through, that He may not allow me to see His goodness, and that I'm better off trusting in myself, because that at least for right now, feels more certain. Friends, I am always wrong. I am never able to trust my feelings, and when I DO trust my feelings, I end up in a very bad, cold and lonely place.

Know what I mean?

I will paint you a little picture that should hit home for anyone who has parents..

You: Mom, I want to go this party tonight

Mom: NO

You: why???????????

Mom: because I know it's not a good thing for you to do

You: *thinks to yourself, screw her, I'm going anyways

Mom: Just know, that it holds nothing but potential for pain for you

You: whatever! (this is essentially what we say to God when we go our own way)

SO, you go to your party, because lets face it, at 16, of course you know better than your Mom! (said with heavy sarcasm)

And here's what happens, you drink too much, your ride leaves you at the party because she found a guy she really likes, your alone, drunk, and now, it's raining. Your sitting outside, on the road-side, wet, drunk, cold and alone, thinking to yourself..."wish I had listened to my authority"

I hope that example is not too cliche for you, it's true my friends! We are the 16 year old who does not want to submit to authority and who thinks that in our great 16 year old wisdom, we know better than a person twice our age and who has experienced twenty times more of life than we have.

I am this way with my heavenly Father as well. I want something, and I tell Him that I ought to have it, whether or not He says yes, matters not, what matters is that I want, what He wants. And then I know, I am in His will. SO what does He want? My heart, wholly devoted to Him...seeking Him in everything, laying my heart out before Him, with hands WIDE OPEN. Why wide open? Because when they are clenched, I am still not willing to give up the thing that I am wrestling with.

Undoubtedly, this is where I want to be right now, with my big decisions...and of course, I am working though what that looks for me...

Is there anything my friends, that you feel this way towards? If so, take some time and ask yourself honestly, are my hands open? For we are, prone to wander.

Thankful

It wasn't very long ago that I was walking down a cold lonely road that lead no-where good...the endpoint of where I was headed was simply to more loneliness and fear, and more of the stuff I was trying to run from in my own power. Things like, inability to move beyond fears, self-love/self loathing...and bad choices that resulted in guilt.

But one day in March of 2008 the Lord grabbed my heart, and I've never looked back...

As I continued on the road to faith I realized that with each passing day I was more and more aware of my sinfulness, and more and more aware of me deep deep need for Him.

Whats funny about laying down of self, is that the more you lay down, the more you realize you have to lay down! But with that does not come the guilt that I used to feel before I surrendered...

I mean, I am constantly grieved by my intense sinfulness, but I am able to confess and then release it to the Lord in a way that I never could of before I surrendered myself to Him.

The interesting thing about surrender is this..."salvation can only come as a result of righteousness, and righteousness can only be present after its demands are answered as sin in punished and wickedness is dealt with..." -a clip from my bible study.

These thoughts of mine come on the wings of reading about some of the intense judgments people faced in Isaiah chapter 34, there is nothing warm and fuzzy about what is said there in regards to what will happen to those who choose "self" over "Christ," and "my way" over "His way..."

Friends, at face value, I understand how this looks...and you ask? What kind of God, would be so terribly brutal to people He created... and the answer is this: If He is God, and He is Just, then He could not justly reward those who obey, if He did not justly punish those who did not. This information is hard to mince. This message is hard to fluff! But it's the message of the reality of who we are, with and without Christ. Who I am with Christ is this: redeemed. Saved. Joyful. Peaceful. Content.

Who I am without Christ is this: rebellious. Angry. Self righteous. Alone. Bitter. Cold. Dead.

I know ALL of those feelings very well because I spent a lot of time living in that place before I surrendered to Him.

Now, as I sit here today, I cannot tell you the extent of thankfulness that I have within me towards Him who rescued me from Hell. And not just hell beyond death, but the Hell I allowed myself to stay in here on earth all those years...the path of self-love is really the path of destruction, pain and death. I loved myself and my plans for myself so much and for so long, that when my blinders came off my eyes, I wanted to puke for days to rid myself of the disease that lived within me. I use intense verbiage because frankly friends...too often this message is fluffed and pruned so sound so pretty. But the message of death, is just that, death.

But wait...before you leave me, listen to this!!!! The message that took me up out of death, shines light into every nook and cranny of your lonely life. Picture a very dark room. Dust, cobwebs and dark loom in every inch of the room. All of sudden, a window curtain is riped off! The light SHINES in! Yes, the dust and dark is exposed by the light, but now, we see things as they really are, and we know where to start with the cleaning. So it is with Christ in our lives, once His light shines in, the confusion disappears, the allusions of joy disappear and we can see what we need to fix in order to make that fake joy, real. It of course does not happen over night, and a soul who's dark room has been exposed is constantly finding cobwebs they missed in the first round of cleaning...second...third...100th..

BUT THAT IS THE BEAUTY OF GRACE!!! We are constantly being redeemed, constantly changed, constantly renewed..day after day, renewed!

Who we are in His light, all on our own, of course is dead. But who we are once we have clothed ourselves with His brightness, holds life beyond belief. So, if you constantly find yourself getting hung up on the punishments that you know of in the Bible, know this, without a just God who punishes, you do not have a just God who saves. Just, is just, all across the board, and I want a God who is consistent...don't you? Let the whole rest of the world be wishy-washy, because when my stronghold is in a constant, never changing God, I can rest securely in that!!!! And so can you my friends. have you thought of these things I suggest to you today? If not, spend some time praying and asking the Holy God of Israel to speak to your heart. He will speak. So here I sit, knowing where I would be without Him, and shaking my head is pure amazement that He saved ME. So thankful.

No Small Thing

Have you ever been in that place where you feel like you might have been left to drown? Where you were going along your merry way, loving the Lord, living your life the way that you thought would honor God, and all of sudden, when you were out for what you thought was a joy swim, you are now struggling for you life? I have. I've been in just such a place at least a couple of times in my life, and I'm not saying this to cause you to cry for me, I don't want that...what I want is to explain to you why we sometimes find ourselves here...

I know I don't have all the answers, but I have learned from my "near-drowning" experiences, and let me tell you my take away...

We know, God does not take us out to a place simply to drown...but there are lessons to be learned in that deep, dark, cold water. When all is well, and all is calm, we are able to walk around in our life without much struggle, without a real need for dependence on Him...don't be deceived that I am trying to simply say we struggle so that we will depend on Him more, for that is only a very very small piece of the puzzle.

I am reminded of the story from Jesus's time on earth, where His disciples went out in a boat for fishing, or something of that nature, and Jesus, was off by himself praying...not soon after the disciples took off they saw a figure of man, walking out towards them...their was a great storm all around them. And in this scenario I've heard it said that often what you fear, is also what saves you. Not trying to get to philosophical on your here for that is not my nature, but let me unpack what that statement means to me...The disciples were obviously terrified. They were as human as you and I are, and imagine my friend how you feel if when you were out on the lake for boat ride with your friends and all of sudden you see a form of a man coming towards you...not on a jet ski, or wake board, but on foot, on top of the waves!!! Imagine the terror that would grip you. And for me, so it is with the fears in my life, that approach me with great certainty...are what end up teaching me the most about myself, and teach me new ways to give God glory.

I didn't know this to the extent that I know it now when my boyfriend drowned when I way 18, I only knew I was in the midst of a storm...but somehow, I survived that, I didn't know this when I lost my first baby to miscarriage...but I survived...and I didn't know this as I know it now when I first entered into a life-changing pregnancy sickness that lasted what felt like forever....

but what I know now is that based on what Christ did for me, based on the fact that I was redeemed with non-perishable things such as gold or silver, but with the blood of Christ (1 Peter 1:18-19) that the way He allows some fearful things into our lives, can in fact be what saves us...

He ultimately saves us, but when we turn to Him in the face of fear and trial, call out His name as He walks towards us in the midst of the storm, we realize we are once again, redeemed. When I said above what fears us also saves us, this is the second part of that statement, the disciples were terrified of this figure coming towards them, but as He did so, the waves died down.

So how often have you felt like this, "Lord, not only am I in the storm, now, your not here either!" Many times in trial, it also feels like God is silent for a time, my take on this from personal experience is that God is sometimes waiting to see our response, to test our faith a bit...and then, out of nowhere, and the most unexpected place, comes help walking towards us on the waves.

"Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed.." Mark 6:51

AMAZED. That is how I feel about God right now in my walk. I'M AMAZED. Amazed at what He DID for me, where He brought me UP OUT OF...and how He continually TEACHES me, and take the time to SPEAK to me. This is no small thing. The trials, they are there, they are hard, but HE IS BIGGER, HE IS THERE, AND HE IS WALKING TOWARDS YOU. reach out your hand take it, and watch as what you fear, saves you.

A love we cannot afford

Today, I spent some much needed time with my Savior. I have been avoiding Him a bit, and it was starting to show in my life, kinda like how if a cup is cracked, eventually it's going to start leaking water? My life was leaking a little bit, and not good things.

My attitude has been stinky, but thoughts have been stinky and my joy was no-where to be found. I know I am not alone in this, which is why I always like to share, because sharing makes others know they are not only ones in the world who feel the way they do...

Life according to Paul is what I first wanted to call this blog post..mainly because what the word said to me via Romans made so much sense...I started in Romans 8, and I was led there by a tug from the Holy Spirit...I do like Romans, but it was a bit ironic I was drawn to it today. First he draws us in by telling us in 8:1 that there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ...

and that HE sent His son for us in vs. 3... followed by that if we are in Christ, so should our thoughts be of the Spirits desires...and stated in verse 8, that if we are controlled by the sinful nature, we cannot please God. So I ask, why would we want to please God? Why is that so important? Let me tell you friends...because it's everything.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the Good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

SO if God call us to our purpose, and our purpose is harder than we desires, than what shall we say? Paul has an answer to that too..."It does not therefore depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy...9:16

Then why does God still judge us you ask? Paul goes there too...BUT WHO ARE YOU OH MAN TO TALK BACK TO GOD? vs.20..

Which of course, draws out all kinda of feelings for all of us I'm sure. Dealing with our lack of desire to submit is a good place to start...He created us...He died for us...and we still question His motives in our lives? I know I do...

Is the clay greater than the potter?

"Who are we, that you should be mindful of us, who are we, that you should look our way, we are FREE in ways that NEVER SHOULD BE, we receive, A LOVE WE CANNOT AFFORD." -song lyrics I love.

A love we cannot afford, that is what I want to focus on as I end...what He did in John 3:16 tells us a story of the ultimate sacrifice of love. The ultimate gift. And I question Him about the trials, pain and things I dislike that exist in my life....I dare to turn to other things for comfort...

I act as though I am in control. Those things I do my friends, those things are sin. But, that's the beauty of it, that's why He came here...to redeem me from my sin, all I can do, is submit to the potter. Hard concepts, but the ending is life. On the other side, not so pretty....

There are all kinds of words, prophesies, and things foretold of the futures of those who do not turn away from their sins...and I'm capable of being apart of that if I don't turn from myself.

I'm not trying to use the fear tactic, these words are more for my own benefit, to myself, to remind myself of what I have received...I am tempted to say, "why would God do this to me?" but, I cannot imagine how many times God had the opportunity to say, "why have you done this to me? After I gave up my son to die for you? This Father/Son relationship was real...as real as the relationship you have with your child, or niece/nephew, or friends child...God child...you name it, its the same. You know that intense love you have for your child...the kind of love that would jump in front of a fast moving train if only to save that child's life. I feel it, and as I type these things I have tears streaming down my cheeks my friends...because this not just a nice story in the Bible that you can read on Christmas and Easter...this is life, and this is death. TO all who will receive, there is LIFE EVERLASTING!!! There is, a love we cannot afford. I pray my passion speaks to your hearts, because friends, He did so much for us, and we are so lost without Him. Reflect on this today, as I am.

Anxious

As I was on the phone with a nurse the other night, voicing some concerns I had regarding my health after my recent c-section delivery, she followed up my question with this statement that floored me.." Oh yes, I remember you, your a pretty anxious person..." I instantly responded.."I AM NOT AN ANXIOUS PERSON!" I'm not sure if she sensed my disgust for her analysis of me by my response, but I was disgusted. I couldn't believe that someone would label me an "anxious person." I AM NOT ANXIOUS I told myself...I am calm, I am peaceful, I trust in Jesus, therefore how could I be anxious?

Well, turns out friends, she may have been right. Let me tell you just how I came to that conclusion, and what I in turn intend to do about my discovery.

At the core of anxiousness in the wrong placement of trust...I believe that I acquired this anxious spirit over the past 9 months of my very difficult pregnancy, my walls were crashing in around me, life as I knew it ended, and my only hope was delivery of my baby. I constantly called the Dr. looking for solutions, digging for some medications, treatments, anything that would help me "feel more normal again.." Finally finding out that as I stated above, delivery of my baby was the only solution to my agony.

I've had these thought of what I would say in my blog of what I am learning from this experience for several days now, not really knowing exactly where God would have my heart go with this new realization of myself.

Today, as I sat down to read my Bible study, I found out instantly that this weeks lesson was written for me, (or so I feel) as my eyes fell across this statement.." The place you look for help, strength, and reassurance is a starting point for self-examination."

When I heard that comment made of me from the nurse, I began to instantly examine myself, "why she would say such a thing" at first baffled me, and I was very upset by it, but I realized, whenever I felt this anxious feeling creep in, I called the Dr. I look to medicine, I asked for human help, and then turned to God once I had exhausted all those resources.

Check 1.

Then, as I read on in my study, I found this statement that hit home as well.." Do you go to Him first when you feel anxious or threatened?"

(Ok God, I'm listening now..)

Check 2.

I realized that so much of my own desire to have my problem fixed immediately, made me run to human solutions, things I could see, things I could touch, that made me feel more comforted than perhaps, "sending up a prayer.." I know that God uses the medical people of our day, and the advances in medicine to help us in our times of health needs...I'm not saying that those things are not in fact often answers to our prayers...but they should not be our God.

I always felt like..."Oh, should I call AGAIN...they are probably so sick of my voice at that place..." But the Dr and nurses always reassured me that that is why they were there, but deep down, I can't help but think they must of felt annoyed by me at times, and my constant health questions, needs and fears.

Anxiousness is fear, wrapped up in a different package, and fear is a lack of trust in what God can do for me instead of what man can do for me.

Man has some medicines, some cures perhaps that can temporarily make me feel better, but God is the only one who can forever make me well...and forever make me whole again.

An anxious heart is not a heart who is relying, and depending upon God, and I repent of that!

Knowing full well, after a life lived knowing His truth, but not actually applying it, that He truly is the only one who can heal, mend, and make whole again.

I praise Him for the medical leaders He has raised up, but I should not praise the medical leaders before I praise Him. As I truly examine myself I see the places I need to change, and the place I need to turn to first is Jesus...

He also said, This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how (Mark 4:26-27).
As Jesus draws the picture this farmer goes out to sow. It is hard work as he sows the field, but this is what he can do. But then he goes home and goes to bed. He does not sit up all night biting his fingernails, wondering if the seed fell in the right places or whether it will take root. Nor does he rise the next morning and go out and dig it up to see whether or not it has sprouted yet. He rests secure in the fact that God is at work, that He has a part in this process, and He must do it; no one can do it for Him. -Ray Stedman

I WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER!!!

Don't be a horse...(or a mule)

The thing about horses, is that they have to be controlled by a bit, the horse, so strong willed, does and will not listen to it's Master unless the bit is in place. I used to ride so I know that this is true..

God tells us in Psalms 32:9 "To not be like the horse or mule, which have no understanding, but must be controlled by bit and bridle, or they will not come to you."

There are always situations arising in my life where the Lord is asking me to listen, prodding me to obey and waiting for me respond without having to put a "bit" in my mouth.

God ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS does what is best for us, because He is God, He sees what we cannot and wants to protect us from the evil that lies ahead that we are so blindly unaware of.

In enters the bit. (if we do not listen)

I had a situation last week where first I heard His instruction whispered...then I heard it a little louder...and finally it was shouted...it was shouted in the verse I listed above.

As I sat this past Sunday morning pouring over my Bible, looking for "wisdom" and "instruction" I felt as if the Lord asked me plainly "why I was still looking when He had already given it to me.." and in that moment my eyes fell on Psalm 32:9 and crumbled at the foot of the cross. Knowing me desire to go my own way, and yet still stamp His approval on it made me weep. As I sat in worship an hour later at church, I heard this lyric pass through my lips and I cried again.."Ashamed I hear my mocking voice, cry out among the scoffers.."

Every time I go my own way, I mock Him. Every time I claim to know more than He with my actions (as they directly contradict His words for my life) I mock Him.

The words of the song go on to say, "it was my sin that held him there..He died to pay my ransom.." I've never been literally in ransom position, but if any of you have, these words may mean more...a debt paid, a life for a life. Now that is love in the form of sacrifice.

My friends...let me tell you something that I pray hits home, this God I so often run from, gave it all for me..and for you. The pain we feel on earth as a result of our bad choices hurts Him too...the tears we cry when tragedy strikes without a reason, pains Him too.

"Yes Lord..I will obey without a bit...Yes Lord, I will listen without a bridle." Those are the words my heart is whispering as I stand before you all now my friends. I recognize, He knows best. What this world has to offer me is pennies in comparison to the rich treasure I will find in Christ. If these words make no sense to you, find a Bible, and open up to the book of John..it is filled with His story of how He was born for you, lived for you, preached for you, and eventually died for you. If my words ring true in your ears, praise His name, and start over! His guidance leads to peace, His direction to paths of the most joy imaginable. Is your heart empty? Is your house cold? Is your mind silently cluttered? Turn back to Him...and watch as the yuck leaves and peace trickles in.

That's what happened to me this past Sunday as I acknowledged my sin, and put my eyes back on the things that matter...the only thing that matters...Him, and His plans for me.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go, I will councel you and watch over you.." Psalm 32:8

I urge you friends, if these words of mine ring true to your hearts at all...then stop, pray and listen...horses may be strong, but they are stupid...mules may be able to pull down a tree if tied to it, but they fight needlessly. This is not a good comparison my friends! Let us not be horses, let us not be mules...He created us for more that this! And for as much as He loves you, so He desires good things for you...and in His perfect plans, are His gifts of goodness, peace, joy even in the storm, and life-everlasting.