Prone to wander

Even with everything I know to be true about God, who He is, what He stands for (truth) and how my life takes form when He is the one leading me, I still wander. I still run. I still question, and ask, and beg for things that may not be what His design, designed for me.

How do I know when I am in His will? How do I know that I am right where I need to be? Has anyone else ever asked these questions? Have you ever said, "Lord, I just don't understand..." " Is this the right way for me to go?" Oh how I wish I had all the answers. It is normal for us to question, seek, search and then even when we find the answers, still prod further. Ultimately, we want, what we want, and it sure would be nice if that also was what God wanted for us. This is my thinking anyways...

I sit here before you friends with big decisions to make in my near future...decisions that will greatly affect my life, and the life of my family forever...and I want to know, is this right...

I am prone to wander. This line hit me like a block of cement between the eyes the other day...it's a line from a song and it says this "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love...Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."

SO what does that mean exactly? "Here's my heart Lord..." is sort of a good example of where I stand today...wanting to be perfectly in His will, but fearful that His will is not what a I want.

Anyone else ever felt that way? You want something SO bad. It seems to make sense with your "feelings" but everything else around you and within your soul screams.."this is right..."

It's a war really. We are at war with ourselves constantly, and at war with Christ and His desires for our lives.

I'm getting to a place in my life where I see, that truly, it doesn't pay to chase after my own desires...for when I do, I wind up miserable. When I lay down my self fulfilling passions, and allow Him to fill me with His passions, I am indeed more full than had I gone my way...

But friends, I am prone to wander. But it's His goodness that draws me back, another line from that song finally made sense to me for the very first time yesterday and then I had confirmation that truly, the Lord was speaking this line to me...

"And thy goodness like a fetter, draws my wandering heart to thee..." I always used to sing that line in the song and say "what the heck is a fetter?" and "what does it have to do with my heart?" Well, it has a lot to do with my heart...my heart, my passions, my desires, they all are drawn back to be in line with His heart, His passions, and His desires when I experience HIS GOODNESS. His GREAT, GREAT GOODNESS.

In the face of uncertainty, it's easy to feel as though He may not come through, that He may not allow me to see His goodness, and that I'm better off trusting in myself, because that at least for right now, feels more certain. Friends, I am always wrong. I am never able to trust my feelings, and when I DO trust my feelings, I end up in a very bad, cold and lonely place.

Know what I mean?

I will paint you a little picture that should hit home for anyone who has parents..

You: Mom, I want to go this party tonight

Mom: NO

You: why???????????

Mom: because I know it's not a good thing for you to do

You: *thinks to yourself, screw her, I'm going anyways

Mom: Just know, that it holds nothing but potential for pain for you

You: whatever! (this is essentially what we say to God when we go our own way)

SO, you go to your party, because lets face it, at 16, of course you know better than your Mom! (said with heavy sarcasm)

And here's what happens, you drink too much, your ride leaves you at the party because she found a guy she really likes, your alone, drunk, and now, it's raining. Your sitting outside, on the road-side, wet, drunk, cold and alone, thinking to yourself..."wish I had listened to my authority"

I hope that example is not too cliche for you, it's true my friends! We are the 16 year old who does not want to submit to authority and who thinks that in our great 16 year old wisdom, we know better than a person twice our age and who has experienced twenty times more of life than we have.

I am this way with my heavenly Father as well. I want something, and I tell Him that I ought to have it, whether or not He says yes, matters not, what matters is that I want, what He wants. And then I know, I am in His will. SO what does He want? My heart, wholly devoted to Him...seeking Him in everything, laying my heart out before Him, with hands WIDE OPEN. Why wide open? Because when they are clenched, I am still not willing to give up the thing that I am wrestling with.

Undoubtedly, this is where I want to be right now, with my big decisions...and of course, I am working though what that looks for me...

Is there anything my friends, that you feel this way towards? If so, take some time and ask yourself honestly, are my hands open? For we are, prone to wander.