So if you were to read a proverb every day for a month, today would land you on Proverbs 31. And of course, if you know anything about Proverbs 31, it's all about the "perfect woman." Lovely I thought, as I read this today. I already know I'm no where near as good as this woman is in the Bible (whoever she is) but it happens to land a day when this mommy in particular is worn out, tired of the constantness (is that a word?) of "needs" that need to be met, and demands that are demanding to be filled. Yes, I was whining. Yes, I was not going to do this with a smile on my face because lets face it...even my smile is tired.
"Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She bring him good not harm, ALL THE DAYS of her life." vs 11
Check 1. All the days? shucks. missed that memo.
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come..." vs 25
Check 2. Now this one, I want. I spent most of my morning being bent over in fears that "maybe, might possibly, could by chance, probably never going to be but I'm still going to worry about it because that's what mom's do." "laugh at the days to come?" Yes. I want that.
Check 3. "Her children arise and call her blessed..." Oh man. I want that one real bad. But, today might not be the day to ask them to get outside of themselves enough to call ME blessed. I don't think I'd call me blessed if I had been with me the way I had been this day.
So today, as I was loading my troop up into the car, to go run all of our errands, (that I never get to run by myself anymore I mumble to myself) (whats it like to do this alone without 3 people hanging on you and sucking on you, I grumble) I say this to the Lord in the most honest way I can muster up on my (not so) Proverbs 31 woman day: "LORD." (i say this loudly) " THIS IS REALLY HARD." "I know you gave me these kids to bless me, and I know that I do really love them, HOWEVER...I just have to say...THIS IS REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY (really) HARD sometimes. To constantly attempt to keep my cool when crying, screaming, and demanding are so constant. When all I want to do is go back to my former self for ONE DAY and go to the salon, go the beach, drink a MT DEW (and not worry if it's going to show up on my butt in the morning) go for a boat ride with my friends, and go to sleep, AND SLEEP ALL NIGHT." *and then I start to cry* and I say, "But....I know you gave me these children to bless me. I know you love me. And I love you, and I love them. But God...(whispers with tears) This is really hard sometimes. Will you help me? Will you give me strength? Will you fill me? Will you remind me that you are going to take care of me even when things are really really hard?" *silence* and then, I felt the knot in my throat melt, and the tears began to cease...a sense of renewed strength came over me. So...I climbed in the car, turned around and looked at my children and say, "OK...ready to go to the dollar store now? Cuz I am." And from the back I hear my son say, "It's OK mom, I forgive you."
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; But a WOMAN WHO FEARS THE LORD, is to be praised." vs 30
I think we are all proverbs 31 women when we know who it is that holds us together.
Thank you Jesus for holding me together, thank you Abba Father for craddleing me in your arms of LOVE when my world is swirling around me. Thank you Holy Spirit for leading me, and directing me in the way I should go. This woman, is nothing without you. Amen.
*God tells us to come to him like children. Although my behavior felt odd for a grown woman, it's okay to tell God when were upset. We are His children, and He wants us to share it all with Him: The good, the bad and the ugly.
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