Choosing to Dig Deeper

I have been thinking a lot about where I've come from, and I blogged on that just a few days ago, and now, as I sit here, recognizing what I've come up out of, it would be easy (by the worlds standards) to simply sit back and say, "there, that's done. Now I can relax." Well, that is kinda what I wanted to do today, I wanted to hear how the messages I was hearing at my Bible study were for other people for once, not for me and I could just "take a day off" of learning, growing and becoming more for Christ. No, I did not actually voice those thoughts, but they were there. And it was sort of as if I was asking the Lord for a bit of a vacation from having to learn anything else about myself that was distasteful to Him. Turns out, that's what happened. Things started out OK as I listened the lecture, I was laughing and joking with a friend sitting next to me, and then the truth of God's word began to sink in again. There it was...my sin. And once again, I had to confess that I was sinning even in my desire to be exempt from learning! I wanted to sit back, content and feel as though I had learned enough! That is just never going to be the case. I don't say that to discourage myself, or you for that matter, I say it more as an observation. If I were to observe myself here, I'd say I started feeling comfortable in who I was, and some degree of this I recognize is OK...but too much of this and person can become complacent. That is not what I want, nor is it what God wants for me!
So as I read in my study today that I was reading, when I came to this question I stopped and pondered this question that was asked of me:
Are you pretending that you can do whatever you want, and God will be pleased with it as long as you are sincere..?
I always am focusing on being sincere of heart when I do what I do, but does what I am doing reflect God's desires for me? I guess I'm just putting the questions out there at this point because at this point I'm still in the processing phase of this.
I recognize that God will use many different circumstances to get our attention, and I am no exception, He draws in, gives us the word to read and learn from, but if the things we learn in the word are not enough to get our attention, He pulls from outside circumstances to make us listen. I know how that sounds. It sounds like, "what a mean, terrible God." But that is not it at all. And I need to remind myself of this. If we shake our fist at God when His correction comes in the form of difficult circumstances, then we risk missing out on the lessons He has in store for us, and if we stay mad permanently, we risk missing out on God all together.
I know one thing for sure, God attempted to use less harsh things in my life initially to get my focus off of myself and onto Him, but when I would not relent, my life circumstances did begin to get uncomfortable for me, and He used that to get my attention. We cannot worship God fully, and worship anything else at the same time, whether it be ourselves, or some component of our life. I feel like I've gone round and round with this topic, but it continues to be presented to me, so I have to think that God is really wanting me to get this one. And if I benefit from this repetition, I am assuming that perhaps any of you reading this may as well..
I don't want to sound redundant, but we people today, and (back in the time of Isaiah as well) all seem to have thick heads...and repetition seems to get through to us.
I want to wrap this up simply by making the comment that any place we choose to rest our head and hearts in, other than God, is darkness. So if I choose to rest my head in complacency and "take a break from learning" than I am taking a break from God. He provides peace even in the times of learning, and I am finding that. So if I think I can have more peace by avoiding His lessons, then I am wrong. God knows my needs. He knows when I am tired...and He offers me strength when I feel weak. He knows it all, for He has felt it all. So just as He corrects me, He also refreshes me, and that is where I will find complete peace.

The Joy of Today

I've spent a lot of time in my life focusing mainly on the "joy in the future." But what about the joy of today? Joy is different from "feeling happy." Joy runs deep, and joy comes from the Lord. Happy is a circumstantial thing, and usually our circumstances change moment to moment.

It's like this: A house is built on a foundation. Those bricks are laid and the cement is poured, the foundation is always the same. The paint on the outside of the house can be changed, the decor of the house can change, even the people living in the house can change, but the foundation, when built properly, never changes. It's always the same.

When our joy is built upon Christ, and we know that His existence in our life never changes, then as the circumstances around us change, our foundational hope and joy does not change.

We have a clear conscience that we are doing all we can do to make our joy foundational, and as we abide in Him, we can rest assured, our joy will be supplied. Attitude is a choice. Smiling is a choice. Joy, is provided. That's the difference. We cannot choose to be joyful in Christ if the foundation has not been laid that way. We can however at any moment say the Lord of All, that we need Him, and we want to start over how our lives have been built up to this point. I think that is what many of us do when we come to the saving knowledge of Christ. We recognize the mess were in, see the pain that plagues our every move, and the unrest that settles within our souls, and we see our need for Him. His joy. His peace. His foundation.

My joy for today is not there because my life is roses all the time. In fact, if you look at most of our lives out there, we are all living in some sort of muck, or issue. But even in the muck, there can be joy. I may not always like what takes place on any given day, but I can choose a smile, choose and attitude that reflects what I know to be true about Christ, and pray that His joy will overtake me. And guess what? It does.

It's by His strength that joy exists in my life...or even can exist. The choice for a smile, or a good attitude are fine, but they will fade when done in ones strength. Just because we have deep-rooted joy, we do not always have to walk around smiling like clowns. We can say, even though it's raining, I have joy in Christ. And the difference is in how we are able to face our problems, have prospective in our pain, and joy when it doesn't make sense.

I am not always the best example of this however, but I think I'm on the right track at least. I always look to Paul in the Bible for a better example, you want to see joy in pain? Read his story about singing praises to the Lord while being chained in prison. That is deep rooted joy.

I am not afraid any more of what might happen (most days) because I see that regardless, He supplies me with my most basic needs, and supplies me with the joy I need to overcome the sadness that the enemy loves to have me get lost in.

Joy is having perspective, even in the midst of trial. And as always, I am but a work in progress, but any progress at all means that I am not standing still. And the only time the enemy catches you is when you are completely still in your walk.

So I continue to walk forward in the strength of Christ, seeking His joy for each day, and knowing all the while that whatever I ask for in His name, (within the boundaries of His will) will be given to me. I think an understanding of His will can be described as: seeking Him with all I do, say, and think. And I think, seeking eternal joy in His power, would be something He would be pleased by? So I continue on in that journey. Seeking that. Praying for that. I may have to take it one day at a time, perhaps hours at a time, but I know how to put one foot in front of the other when I am prayerfully considering each step.

So in joy I can walk forward in this day, despite the rain, despite feelings of being lonely, despite the aches and pains of life. Joy can be present. And perhaps, a smile. :)

The Process

I have spent a great deal of time learning lately. And by lately I mean over the past couple of year since the Lord really has taken me over heart and soul. ( for which I am thankful)
But the process by which it takes to grow an individual does not happen all at once, nor is it easy. Most of what has grown me has been by the way of painful circumstances, and it's only by His strength that I come thus far. I did a bit of processing with my mom and sisters over the weekend, having been at a conference designed to encourage women spiritually...
This conference caused me reflect on all that I've been through, and truly all that God has been teaching me, through His creative ways of revealing my sin to me, I am now starting to understand why the things of my past had to change...and I'm so thankful they did.
WHY He does things, as He's doing them, rarely makes sense to me in the midst of it, but hindsight is 20/20 so they say, and it's true.
So now I'd say that my overwhelming feeling I have is thankfulness. Thankfulness that I am no longer who I once was, and thankfulness that if He is who He says He is, He's never really done with me. Never done growing, showing, revealing and refining. I don't think painful circumstances must always be present for growth, but I can see why it was necessary for me to go through the junk I did now, because truly, no other thing would have got my attention. I think God gave me much grace in the beginning as just started to call to me, but as I turned my nose up at Him, (and many others) I believe the methods He used were needed.
God does not like pride. God does not like self-sufficiency. God does not like it when a person thinks they are fine w/o Him. He made them for Him. I do understand that this is a hard concept to grasp, and as we are are very independent people, I can relate to anyone who thinks that idea is crazy. I've spent a lot of time in that place of thought. But as I have found, when I am operating under the understanding of this, (living my life to serve Him, keeping Him always in my reasons for doing what I'm doing) my life has been so much more full. I need a lot less, because I desire a lot less.
I am not tooting my own horn here, because it's only by grace any of this came to me...but I am recognizing the work He's done on me, and how thankful I am for it. For now, I have joy, peace and all kinds of other good things in my life that were just not possible before.
My glass was always 1/2 empty. And my life was never good enough. I always needed just a little bit more, and I was always confident the next thing would satisfy me.
Now, I see that satisfaction in today, right now, and just as it is. My life still is not quite what I wish it were, simply because I was created to long for heaven, and only there will I truly feel complete. (But He's helped me to be thankful for today) and as long as I live each day for Him, prayerfully considering my daily in's and outs, I know my days will be the best that they can be.
My fears come and go, but I know where to turn when they come, and anger takes over at times, but I now have the tools to make it fizzle.
Each day, I feel I learn something that I should perhaps work on, and on the days I'm rendering my thoughts fully to Him, He shows me how...(sometimes through pain) but the next day I promise you, I emerge stronger.
So why am I telling you all this? Mainly to praise His name for what He's capable of doing. My state of self before could be described as dead. My state now, alive.
The two could not be any more opposite, and even I sometimes cannot fathom the deadness I lived in prior to His grabbing ahold of my heart.
Dead is this: Full of self. Cold. Empty. Alone. Depressed. Angry. Unable to see beyond today. Unable to be uplifted. Not thankful. Wanting More. Dissatisfied. And Hopeless.
Alive is this: Lifted. Color in your face. Hopeful. Peaceful. Joyful. Thankful. Good Thoughts. Content. Brightness in eyes. Swiftness in your step. Readiness in your heart. Appreciating for all He is, and what He has done. A recognition that it is ONLY by grace you are here. Not by your own works...and an understanding of how BIG HE is, and how small we are.
So I ask you, not challenge you, but simply to cause you to think...which are you?
Obviously, we all have bad days, but day to day, which one are you?
There are days, (I'm not going to lie) that I feel quite dead. But when that feeling hits, I have to examine my heart once again, and ask Him to reveal to me why this deadness is there...
And usually, I know before I ask, but He always confirms it to me.
Don't be comfortable with being dead. It's cold and lonely. In Him there is life, abundant life, and that is the best place for any soul to rest.
I pray for that to always be where I sit, and I pray that you friend, will sit there too.

Sovereign

What first comes to mind when you hear the words..."God is sovereign?" Well, for me they used to be quite scary words. Which ultimately revealed that I truly had a lack of trust in God, a lack of faith in His plans for me, (regarding me) and that fear was still bigger than God.
God's timing is so perfect. I just have to get that out there. Let me tell you why I want to scream that from the rooftops today...
As I sat under some great teaching once again in my Bible study class, I was hit by what I am learning in Isaiah and how absolutely relevant it's turning out to be for my life, in this exact phase of my life, in this exact moment of what I'm learning, and how all of this parallels with my hearts emotions. (Emotions only God truly knows I have)
So last week, as I really wrestled with all my fears, and the greatness of my fear came to a head, and for the first time I began to examine my fears for what they truly are: a lack of trust, and a lack of faith. Wouldn't you know it, but today, the speaking was on faith. Go figure!
This is what I learned, that fear, and faith are completely incompatible. Faith is this: Believing God, and then acting on it. (in life, word and deed) Basically, it's living like you believe that what God says is true. And God is bigger than anything I fear. He tells me this: Isaiah 7:13 "I am the only one you are to fear.." and if God is absolutely trustworthy, then I truly have nothing to fear. Mainly because of this, the truth that nothing, absolutely nothing can touch me unless it's let into my life by the loving hands of the Father, and it's carefully sifted through His hands that hold me tight. There is no fear in His loving hands. There is no fear of what He lets come my way because I know, that I know, that I know, that He is sovereign.
Good to know isn't it? Well, I've heard it all my life, that "God is in control.." and I've said it with great conviction I might add that this is a good thing. And it is. But unless I BELIEVE that it's a good thing that He is in control...then I'm living a lie.
And, ultimately, I'm living in fear. And let me tell you friends, fear has been a big struggle for me!
Let me say this another way, If God is my rock, then that's all I need! That's all I should need..
And yet somehow I've been living with the idea that somehow, the world, or myself might be able to offer me some security stronger than what God has to offer me. So, I kept my mace handy, knew just where to find my husbands hunting gun, and I had the Dr. on speed dial just in case something went wrong in my plan. ( I do know how to shoot) :) And So I lived, in my fear. Not very reassuring is it?
Until this past week, when I noticed the cracks begin to surface and the darkness that lay beneath the surface of my skin was starting to show to others around me. I was living in deep, dark, black fear. And now that I know how fear and faith directly contradict each other, I see why my walk with the Lord felt a little heavier than normal. I was still trusting in myself more than God, and I was lack much in the faith of Christ. I knew I had His grace, His forgiveness, His guidance, and help, and still, I knew I was missing something. I was. I was missing the trust in who He said to me that He was, is and always will be....SOVEREIGN.
So I mentioned before, that His timing is perfect...don't you think this is a little ironic... that this weekend, I am getting ready to attend a conference called..."Women of Faith." And today, as I filled out the notes to Bible study, this was my answer to one of my questions regarding fear..
"that I cannot be a woman of faith, if I cannot give up being fearful." That's when it hit me, "Oh, how "coincidental" that I'm going to a conference entitled, "women of faith."
SO, who else out there feels convinced of His message for me today?????
God is good. God is gracious. God is my rock in the place I can stand to demolish fear. God is trustworthy. And I am learning to have faith in all He is, and in all He says.
I'll say it again...what a journey, what a ride...and I know, there's more to come.

What If..

You know how that goes. "what if...such and such happens..." And for me, usually it's "what if this goes wrong...or that, or even something worse..." I always tend to go to the worst possible scenario. I wish it was not this way, but worry often plagues my mind much more than I am willing to admit, and when worry is there, so is fear, and whats bad about that, is this...

When I am worrying and being fearful, and I am not trusting God and His plans for me, that He will give me discernment when something is bad enough that I need to act.

Women I think have a terrible time with fear, mostly for our families, and "what ifs" are endless and we worry over all the possibilities of trauma that could hit our lives, shake up our worlds and take away our happiness. If you are a woman anywhere who has a connection to children in any way, there is going to be fear in your heart regarding them, because they are so meaningful to you. Isn't is just like the enemy to take something good, and turn it around into evil?

It's not that men do not worry, but I do think most men are far to practical to spend time worrying about the things that bog us as women down. My husband and I often reflect on the differences between he and I, how I always take things to worst possible place before I even know anything about anything.

And as a result, my peace is stolen from me, and I allow thoughts that distract me from Christ to take over my mind, and if I think on them long enough, I can in fact become quite anxious...

The enemy feeds our minds with things that "make so much sense" within that "what if" scenario and this is where our minds are taken captive.

God is good. He is our gentle shepherd we are told. He leads us, He guides us, He protects us. He makes our way known to us...and we are safe with Him. When I run away with my fear of "what if" I am not trusting my Shepherd to provide for me, to give me the discernment that He gives when action needs to be taken when things truly are bad.

As I talked with my mother in law this morning, she gave me some wise advice that I thought I should pass onto you all...to turn our "what ifs" into, "WHAT IS." Do you know what she meant by that? To line our fear up with the word of God, to pray through our fear, giving that fear over to the Lord every time it enters our mind, and suddenly, our "what if" turns into "what is." We are reassured...and our peace returns because we have now handed what is always out of control, back into the hands of the Father who cares for us and our needs.

He knows what to do with my fear. He takes it, and replaces it with peace. He provides me with Godly council, a discerning heart, and eyes that have the ability to see what really is. Rational returns, and fear diminishes greatly. It's not to say that the enemy might not throw that fear in my face (with a slightly different angle) later that day, but now I know what to look for, and how to handle it. The fact that God compares us to sheep is not really all that complimenting. Sheep are stupid. Quite stupid. They fall on the backs and they can't get up. But, the reason we are called sheep is so that truly recognize our need for our shepherd. I'm OK with being a sheep. I am. Because I know, in the end, I know nothing in comparison to what He knows...and I like to know that someone who knows it all, is in charge. Not me.

The other side of this is that when I am so wrapped up in my fear, I'm missing the calling of service the Lord would have for me...and that is why the enemy loves to distract me with fear.

If I am wrapped up in the things I fear ...I can't truly be ministering to the people He places in my path because I'm too preoccupied by my own discomfort, problems and pain.

As I have mentioned before, and what I have learned this year through the trials of my pregnancy, my comfort matters little. It used to matter everything to me! It used to be my number one focus, but slowly through my difficult circumstances, God has showed me, my peace comes from Him, He sufficient for my needs, and my needs to do not always mean, "perfectly comfortable."

He really has taken the time to teach me this, and I am humbled because when God speaks, it means something. It means everything. So I end with this: No more "what ifs." No more time should be wasted on fears. God wants my eyes and ears to be open and attentive to possible plans He has for me, ministry opportunities...chances to say, "here I am Lord, send me..."

And I will miss out on those if I am in fact so distracted by my own personal fear, discomfort and fear for my children.

So WHAT IS, is the truth of Christ. WHAT IS, is that He's guiding me, counseling me, and telling me things, if I'm listening. WHAT IS, is that I'm held, cared for and so are my children.

WHAT IS, is that HE is bigger than all that I fear.

If any of you reading this today can relate to my fear, and my "what ifs" then know this, not only are you held, you are so safe in His plans for you.

Unpacking Grace

If you have followed my journey here on this blog at all you will recognize that my need for grace (God's forgiveness, redemption) is great.

I have a continual recognition of my sin, my depravity to the core, and my need for Him, I used to say for "Him in my life" But now I see that He IS my life. There are things that I held from Him, wanting them to be my own, and so I could feel as though I still had a sense of control in certain areas. As of late, I have come to find, I have no control, and this is how I am most at peace because Christ controls me. I am not a robot, but I am ready for His beckon call. Or at least, I should be. Hence the point of my blog. Today, in my Bible study, I learned of Isaiah's cleansing, forgiveness and ultimately, God's call to him to serve. Isaiah, who recognized his sin, said this.."Woe is me! I am ruined." Isaiah 6:5

That SHOULD be our response when we recognize the sin that (whatever it is) that has seeped into our lives. Usually, we are blind to it until the moment the blinders come off and we finally SEE what it is we've been doing in our sinful nature, against God.

We are all sinful. This is true. Isaiah, although a great prophet, was still a sinner, and it does not tell us exactly what it is he is repenting of, but in my humble opinion, I think Isaiah simply saw himself as he really was, living in a self-focused state, doing his own thing. As you read on in the passage, Isaiah, after his confession, is cleansed by Jesus himself, and then what happens next is what most pertains to me right now...

A call is issued from the Lord, "Whom shall I sent? And who will go for us?" vs8b

What Isaiah does next, is what humbles me. BEFORE Isaiah even knows what the request is, he raises his hands and says..."Here I am, send me." vs9

Let me stop here. I want to say this in a way that all who read understand, usually, when God asks me to do something, I say, "whats the guidelines Lord...tell me about my job requirements?" And if I'm not totally comfortable with the call, I turn it down. I cannot tell you my sadness over this. Boy have I missed out on many opportunities to give God glory by my obedience. I like to do things for God, but I want the things I do to be comfortable, and usually, it's nice if they are noticed in a positive light by others so that I get some earthly praise too. Anyone relate?

Here's the deal though...God forgave me a long time before I ever saw my sin. God rescued me, His death on the cross was my atonement. Paid in full. And I, accept that grace, and say thanks, but I still hesitate to act for Him? Woe is me. I am ruined.

This really hit me this morning. I sobbed in my class. His grace is more than I can even fathom, and I have the audacity to say, "No thanks" to a job that He may have for me?

There is not one specific job I can tell you right now that I know without a doubt I turned down, but that is almost more scary because I've been a bit blinded to His callings then.

As a firm believer, and someone who claims Christ with "all she does" then how can I sit and say, "I'm not sure the job He wants me to do..."

So, as I repented, Kleenex in hand, I as though He lifted my chin today and said this..."It's by grace. Grace is what saves you. Grace is what forgives you. My grace is your remnant...and you have been set free." Isn't that a beautiful thing to hear? That message is there for all of us.

So now, my ears are attentive to His call, and with His strength, I can be quick to the draw to raise my hand, and say, "here I am, send me." I do not say these words lightly, because I know that when a person says anything to the Lord with an honest and real heart, He answers. I have a feeling I am going to get a job I may not necessarily have chosen for myself. I paused even as I typed that. Why? BECAUSE IT'S A LITTLE SCARY! But I would rather be that way, than living comfortably, but ignorant of His call. I've hesitated all my life! I've "paused" all my life! I think He asking me to listen now. So I am. Only by grace friends. Only by grace.

Just When I think I'm Getting Somewhere...

You know, I try not be too hard on myself, but there are many days where I just feel like I can't quit screwing up. Anyone with me? I want to do good. I want to respond the right way. But somehow, my sinful flesh wins, and I say something stupid, and do something unloving.
These are things usually that only those closest to me experience, like my children, my husband or close friends, and normally they are all quick to forgive, but why oh why can I not just stop before it happens?
Sometimes it's just a small thought that annoys me, and my annoyance shows, sometimes it's a word that cuts, and I say it without thinking, or even knowing what that word may do.
I am to the core, human. What would I be like without Christ? Where would I be? Somewhere at the bottom of a pit! I know the truth I have in Christ tells me I am forgiven...and so I step forward each day knowing this. I feel like, "what does it take to be righteous?" I read the word and hear the stories, the declarations of those who close to God's own heart, and I see the mistakes they made as well that are recorded in the Bible and as I read Matthew 12:36 I was so convicted
" But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned."
Nothing warm and fuzzy about that verse...but I had to consider myself as I read those words because examining ones-self, and being honest with one-self leads to repentance, and forgiveness, and then freedom in Christ. So that's what I want, need and honestly, have to have if I am to go onward in Christ each day with any sort of honesty. I am not be the woman who says one thing, and does another, or claims one thing to a certain group of people, and an entirely different thing to another group. Real. I must be real. So I do my best, and I ask the Lord to search me, and show me what is wrong within me. And, he does.
I blogged on that not too long ago if any of you read it, and I will have you know, God found something that was ugly, and He did in fact bring it to light, and now I'm dealing with it. Which is good.
There are many days that go by that I start to feel like "wow, I'm doing pretty good." And that is usually when the sin I am unaware of, needs to be revealed to me. I have a God who handles things in the best way possible. He deals with me in the kindest way, and the way that will best help me to learn my lessons well. I am thankful for that. I am thankful to have a patient husband who lets me roll through the learning process...and children who forgive me in my sinful impatience with them. Saying "no one is perfect" is not a good cop out. True as that statement is, it's not a free pass to sin, and get away with it. By no means. I am not perfect, and by the grace of God, He still gives me grace! But I need to learn day by day, how to give Him ALL of me, and I know this is where my peace will come from.
It does not matter if others think I'm a "pretty good person..." for in the kingdom of heaven, that does not matter..what matters is how I line up in the sight of God. I can never be "too righteous" or "too faithful" or "too kind..." it is by grace that I am saved. And I am good, kind, righteous and faithful because I know it is most honoring to the one who died for me when I am striving to be those things.
Do not be confused that I am suggesting that these things will make me in better standing with Christ, I am what I am. And saved me before I loved Him. He loved me first. I now have the change to live my life in such a way that brings glory and honor to the Father. And the burning desire to not stand still in my faith will not let me rest. Work can always be done on the human heart, and my work I mean, a constant surrender of self. It's not work though when you realize the peace that floods in with each surrender. Sometimes it's hard to give over anger, or judgements or sinful thoughts, but when I do, I am given something much better in return. His peace.
May my processing of self, cause you to consider, all He has done for you as well...we have but one life to honor Him with, and the time of course, is short. When I get to judgement day, I want Him to look at me and say, "well done." Not because I need mans approval, but because His is the only approval that matters. What a journey.