You know, I try not be too hard on myself, but there are many days where I just feel like I can't quit screwing up. Anyone with me? I want to do good. I want to respond the right way. But somehow, my sinful flesh wins, and I say something stupid, and do something unloving.
These are things usually that only those closest to me experience, like my children, my husband or close friends, and normally they are all quick to forgive, but why oh why can I not just stop before it happens?
Sometimes it's just a small thought that annoys me, and my annoyance shows, sometimes it's a word that cuts, and I say it without thinking, or even knowing what that word may do.
I am to the core, human. What would I be like without Christ? Where would I be? Somewhere at the bottom of a pit! I know the truth I have in Christ tells me I am forgiven...and so I step forward each day knowing this. I feel like, "what does it take to be righteous?" I read the word and hear the stories, the declarations of those who close to God's own heart, and I see the mistakes they made as well that are recorded in the Bible and as I read Matthew 12:36 I was so convicted
" But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned."
Nothing warm and fuzzy about that verse...but I had to consider myself as I read those words because examining ones-self, and being honest with one-self leads to repentance, and forgiveness, and then freedom in Christ. So that's what I want, need and honestly, have to have if I am to go onward in Christ each day with any sort of honesty. I am not be the woman who says one thing, and does another, or claims one thing to a certain group of people, and an entirely different thing to another group. Real. I must be real. So I do my best, and I ask the Lord to search me, and show me what is wrong within me. And, he does.
I blogged on that not too long ago if any of you read it, and I will have you know, God found something that was ugly, and He did in fact bring it to light, and now I'm dealing with it. Which is good.
There are many days that go by that I start to feel like "wow, I'm doing pretty good." And that is usually when the sin I am unaware of, needs to be revealed to me. I have a God who handles things in the best way possible. He deals with me in the kindest way, and the way that will best help me to learn my lessons well. I am thankful for that. I am thankful to have a patient husband who lets me roll through the learning process...and children who forgive me in my sinful impatience with them. Saying "no one is perfect" is not a good cop out. True as that statement is, it's not a free pass to sin, and get away with it. By no means. I am not perfect, and by the grace of God, He still gives me grace! But I need to learn day by day, how to give Him ALL of me, and I know this is where my peace will come from.
It does not matter if others think I'm a "pretty good person..." for in the kingdom of heaven, that does not matter..what matters is how I line up in the sight of God. I can never be "too righteous" or "too faithful" or "too kind..." it is by grace that I am saved. And I am good, kind, righteous and faithful because I know it is most honoring to the one who died for me when I am striving to be those things.
Do not be confused that I am suggesting that these things will make me in better standing with Christ, I am what I am. And saved me before I loved Him. He loved me first. I now have the change to live my life in such a way that brings glory and honor to the Father. And the burning desire to not stand still in my faith will not let me rest. Work can always be done on the human heart, and my work I mean, a constant surrender of self. It's not work though when you realize the peace that floods in with each surrender. Sometimes it's hard to give over anger, or judgements or sinful thoughts, but when I do, I am given something much better in return. His peace.
May my processing of self, cause you to consider, all He has done for you as well...we have but one life to honor Him with, and the time of course, is short. When I get to judgement day, I want Him to look at me and say, "well done." Not because I need mans approval, but because His is the only approval that matters. What a journey.
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