The Process

I have spent a great deal of time learning lately. And by lately I mean over the past couple of year since the Lord really has taken me over heart and soul. ( for which I am thankful)
But the process by which it takes to grow an individual does not happen all at once, nor is it easy. Most of what has grown me has been by the way of painful circumstances, and it's only by His strength that I come thus far. I did a bit of processing with my mom and sisters over the weekend, having been at a conference designed to encourage women spiritually...
This conference caused me reflect on all that I've been through, and truly all that God has been teaching me, through His creative ways of revealing my sin to me, I am now starting to understand why the things of my past had to change...and I'm so thankful they did.
WHY He does things, as He's doing them, rarely makes sense to me in the midst of it, but hindsight is 20/20 so they say, and it's true.
So now I'd say that my overwhelming feeling I have is thankfulness. Thankfulness that I am no longer who I once was, and thankfulness that if He is who He says He is, He's never really done with me. Never done growing, showing, revealing and refining. I don't think painful circumstances must always be present for growth, but I can see why it was necessary for me to go through the junk I did now, because truly, no other thing would have got my attention. I think God gave me much grace in the beginning as just started to call to me, but as I turned my nose up at Him, (and many others) I believe the methods He used were needed.
God does not like pride. God does not like self-sufficiency. God does not like it when a person thinks they are fine w/o Him. He made them for Him. I do understand that this is a hard concept to grasp, and as we are are very independent people, I can relate to anyone who thinks that idea is crazy. I've spent a lot of time in that place of thought. But as I have found, when I am operating under the understanding of this, (living my life to serve Him, keeping Him always in my reasons for doing what I'm doing) my life has been so much more full. I need a lot less, because I desire a lot less.
I am not tooting my own horn here, because it's only by grace any of this came to me...but I am recognizing the work He's done on me, and how thankful I am for it. For now, I have joy, peace and all kinds of other good things in my life that were just not possible before.
My glass was always 1/2 empty. And my life was never good enough. I always needed just a little bit more, and I was always confident the next thing would satisfy me.
Now, I see that satisfaction in today, right now, and just as it is. My life still is not quite what I wish it were, simply because I was created to long for heaven, and only there will I truly feel complete. (But He's helped me to be thankful for today) and as long as I live each day for Him, prayerfully considering my daily in's and outs, I know my days will be the best that they can be.
My fears come and go, but I know where to turn when they come, and anger takes over at times, but I now have the tools to make it fizzle.
Each day, I feel I learn something that I should perhaps work on, and on the days I'm rendering my thoughts fully to Him, He shows me how...(sometimes through pain) but the next day I promise you, I emerge stronger.
So why am I telling you all this? Mainly to praise His name for what He's capable of doing. My state of self before could be described as dead. My state now, alive.
The two could not be any more opposite, and even I sometimes cannot fathom the deadness I lived in prior to His grabbing ahold of my heart.
Dead is this: Full of self. Cold. Empty. Alone. Depressed. Angry. Unable to see beyond today. Unable to be uplifted. Not thankful. Wanting More. Dissatisfied. And Hopeless.
Alive is this: Lifted. Color in your face. Hopeful. Peaceful. Joyful. Thankful. Good Thoughts. Content. Brightness in eyes. Swiftness in your step. Readiness in your heart. Appreciating for all He is, and what He has done. A recognition that it is ONLY by grace you are here. Not by your own works...and an understanding of how BIG HE is, and how small we are.
So I ask you, not challenge you, but simply to cause you to think...which are you?
Obviously, we all have bad days, but day to day, which one are you?
There are days, (I'm not going to lie) that I feel quite dead. But when that feeling hits, I have to examine my heart once again, and ask Him to reveal to me why this deadness is there...
And usually, I know before I ask, but He always confirms it to me.
Don't be comfortable with being dead. It's cold and lonely. In Him there is life, abundant life, and that is the best place for any soul to rest.
I pray for that to always be where I sit, and I pray that you friend, will sit there too.