A message in love

For those of you who have ever tried what I am about to talk about, you will I'm sure join with me in saying, the following method of getting a certain point across to another, does not work.

Here was my method: If they are not hearing you, yell louder.

I am here to tell you, this way of "being heard" actually produces opposite results, and also makes the other party equally loud, equally mad, and equally frustrated that THEY too are not being heard. Case and point: My children. So, one would think I'd be starting to get this point by now because of how often the Lord has been pounding into my heart and mind the message of messages are heard when said in love. Apparently, I have a thicker skull than He anticipated...

My children made a mess larger than I thought possible today, (which by now "not possible" should be erased from my vocabulary.) And I lost it. My sickness was rising, and my patience was lowing, and my loving attitudes was non-existent. With frustration I yelled my way though the situation, telling my poor son, that "His temper was making me angry." (yeah, I know. Nice one) And It wasn't until my children were clean, the mess was gone and they were tucked safely in bed, that I realized me intense folly of heart and action. I am not here to focus on my failure for long, because I know I repented, asked for forgiveness from my children (who of course did in an instant, oh the heart of a child) and then of the Lord, and He too washed my heart with peace, and I felt the warmth of love return to my bitter heart.

This life application came to mind directly after: so it is with our message to those around us who we are daily ministering to, or trying to preach Christ too. Christ's message was love. Everywhere you turn in the word His messages whispers love to hearts of a lost and dying nation. So many chances were given to those in sin, and 7 times 70 we are to forgive our lost brothers. Oh friends....My heart is humbled. What I have said meaning to be holy, only to come across and judging, bitter and cynical. I'm sure my children wondered what monster ate Mommy, so have others I'm sure wondered how I could call myself a believer.

The message we speak in our hearts, attitudes, and mouths MUST be in love, or it is nothing.

"1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."

God is beginning to make Himself clear to me. I always have known it is important to be nice to others, just a code of ethics, but I felt it was a choice. And in that feeling, I was gravely wrong. It is not a choice, it is His command. He commands us to love one another, no message will ever be heard in anger. No message will ever be receive if their is a hidden angst packed behind it. People see through fake love, people see through "trying to love.." People see the love that Jesus held for the, and they saw the difference. SO, today, as I pose this question to myself, ask yourselves as well...What do people see in MY message...and what do I want them to see....

It's not a question of "if" we love people it's a message of "when" we love people. The commandment to love is not a "when you feel like it.." And the only way my friends we can truly do this, is by drawing our daily strength from the ultimate source of love: Jesus.

We need to daily seek Him, daily spend time with Him and there is no doubt, He will fill you up with what you need for any given day. It's a fact, He's there waiting for you to ask Him for the mean by which to love and live for Him. You are His vessel of love! Have you ever thought about that? He chose you, to use you, to love His own, and that is an honor.

I pray today is the day we all have a change of heart, a change in our message and a heart filled to the brim with love for His children...whoever they are.

Why Do You Do That?

Building on what God talked to me about yesterday, and what I shared on my blog with you on that, He is obviously really trying to get something into my thick head. :) For, today I was reading in Proverbs, and then in Mark where he addresses once again, the issues of the heart.
Today, He took a slightly different approach, the Pharisees were in this story, and whenever they are present, I know I am about to be convicted about something, because my heart so resembles the pharisees at times, I hate it.
Today, Jesus is speaking to them because if this: They gathered around Jesus and said, "they saw some of His disciples eating food with hands that were not washed." *gasp!
But my friends, this was a real sin in this time, if they ate this food they defiled what was going into their body and so making the food they took in was also defiled. I look at that and for the first time it means something to me. Because they were simply holding onto tradition for the sake of tradition, not because they were genuinely convicted, but because they were pias, self-righteous and having a lofty view of themselves. They were better, so they thought. How many times have I thought this? "I can't believe 'so and so' would 'do that'!" If we are being honest with ourselves my friends, and I will speak for myself here, I'm sure there are many moments where our heart do in fact whisper these things. And that is another way our hearts are deceitful. For, we may not be as bold as the pharisees in our verbal claims, but our hearts resembled them at times.
"A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit." Proverbs 26:24
I hate that this verse describes my heart at times. yucky.
Jesus goes on in this passage to tell the Pharisees this: " These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they worship me in vain, their teachings are but rules taught by men." Mark 7:7
And then this verse also:
"And you do many things like that." vs13
Oh friends...this is the heart of the heart, and I pray my heart does this no more. What "hand washing" rules do I follow simply because "it's what you do.." not because it's what I have to do but because it's honoring to the Father and because that has now become my desire as well.
My husband and I have had this conversation, who would you be if you were alone in a hotel room with no-one who knew you and know one to hold you accountable? Would the spirit lead you and direct you and guide you to the purest form of self? Or would your mind wander to the idea that "anything can be done because no-one knows." There was a huge part of my life that would have leaned more towards the later option...thankfully, for the most part I do believe I would choose the first option now. I know what lies on the other side, and I hate it. So the sting of sin is still burning on my skin from past mistakes and I am thankful for that sensation so that now I do not make the same mistakes. (now I just make new mistakes.) :) But in all honesty...what I have done in the past, has forced me to turn to better places now.
But back to my Pharisees heart, I pray friends, that we all can learn from this passage and these truths, that is why we have the words of the Lord written for us, documented for us, so that our eyes can read, and our heart can be convicted, and turn from their foolish states of sin and be healed. I pray this is a daily occurrence for me, and for you.
When God speaks, He speaks for big reasons. He wants and desires our full hearts, our full passions, and for the right reasons. So today, as you do what "you must" because you are you, ask yourself, why? Why do you do what you do? And if it's not for the right reason, the holy reasons, then ask God to help you examine your lives, your hearts and help you change. The Lord is so good to us, and so forgiving and He loves a broken and contrite heart that comes to Him loving Him and willing to change.
"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Psalm 86:15
Doesn't that sound like a beautiful description of Him? Don't you want to be spending your time with that kind of person? I do. I pray today we can all run to Him and apply to our hearts what I have learned this morning. Seek and you shall find, knock and the door WILL BE OPENED.
Have a great day my friends!!!!

The Motives of the Heart

This is a concept that has always convicted me more than any written rule, any word or any law. This thought that it's not so much what I do, but why I do what I do, not because I have to, but because I want to...and the inside of this, that no-one sees your real feelings but you.
Let me unpack this for you. I have had this concept pounded into my heart and mind in the past couple of weeks, which usually means God is telling me something. haha. And I need to pick up, pay attention, listen and respond, and by respond, I mean change.
My attitudes of heart have been a little stinky lately..(some of you know why..:) but sickness is not a "get out of a bad-attitude-free-card." No. All the more opportunity to let God work in me because of my down and out state.
And all these thoughts are because of this one little verse. (that is really not little at all)
"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love (1 John 4:8)."

A big way we love God, and show God that we love Him is by our love for others and by our obedience in loving who He calls us to love, everyone.
I'm great at loving those that love me, my family, my sisters, my parents, my friends, and pleasant acquaintances...however, I am not very good and loving those who are rude to me in the grocery store, or people who zip in front of me in the check out at the store. No, those people make me mad, and even if I don't physically or audibly let them know that, my heart burns within me, and I'm mad. Only I and God know I am mad, but I mad. And the Lord tells me that.."Anyone who hates who hates his brother will be subject to judgment." Matt 5:21
And God in the verse before that one compares this hatred to murder. Murder.
That is pretty extreme...and that is my heart....sadly.
So what do I do about this, well, first I admit that I do this, and then I ask the Lord to help me change. But, here is the other thing, why do I want to change? No one knows, and after all, God will forgive me, so is this issue of thoughts really that big of a deal? This is the 'why do I do what I do?' question that I posed earlier in this blog..
Why do I change to be more pure of heart? So that I love God. If I sin in my heart and do love others even in the attitudes of heart that no-one else but God sees, this in fact makes the biggest impression to God. It's what no-one sees but God and this is how we know we are truly loving God with an honest heart and a pure motive. No praise from man for being kind...but the affirmation we receive from the Lord in His gentle love, direction and peace are far greater praise than simple words of man.
Wouldn't you rather hear, "well done good and faithful servant" from the lips of the Father, as opposed to "great job and being nice" from a stranger?
I want the first response before I want the praise of man, and if that is truly true, than I should start acting like it. And I do these things not because I have to, but because I genuinely want to. With all my heart I want to because with all my heart, I love God...and this is why I love others as well.

RUNNING!!!

Friends, I am here to tell you that today, I went running. And it was glorious. No, it was more than glorious, it was heavenly. It almost felt spiritual, I cried, (literally) as I ran because it felt so good to do something I loved so much but had to give up for a while due to my extreme sickness. I had neither the energy to run in days past nor the ability. But not so today, and I praise the Lord for it.
Let me describe to you the beauty of this run, the sun was peaking through the clouds...my feet hit the partially rained on road. I breathed in deep air that did make me gag, or want to throw up, but air the filled my lungs with beautiful glorious freshness. Spring air. Running air. My air.
As I ventured into the first mile of my run, the tears began to flow...running is my old friend..the friend I have been unable to see or talk to for quite some time and I missed so much. My mental health, and emotional health are quite dependent on this old friend, and every step I ran, I praised the Lord for that step and never before have I had such a glorious run. I thought about my baby inside, the motion it was feeling, and I asked my baby if it liked the new ride...the baby said yes.. :) so we continued. My spirits have been so low due to my sickness, this run lifted me so much and again, as my heart lept within my chest and the "normalcy" I felt as I ran, I again rejoiced...and cried in thanksgiving.
I know I sound like a wreck, but I've been a bit of a wreck lately...to wake up sick, and go to bed sick, only to wake up sick again the next morning gets daunting and tiresome...and although I have had moments of goodness in those sick times, and I am still depending on my Father, the release, the health and the run were much needed.
I returned, sweaty, hot and JOYFUL because I knew God had given me a very special gift this morning, you see I was begging Him for peace, I was begging Him for the ability to thrive in this sickness, not just survive...so what did He do? He exceeded my expectations and gave me a run this morning. When I finished my glorious run, I looked up to heaven and I said, "Thank you Lord, may I have another?" Perhaps God laughed at that. Needless to say, I ran, and I hope to have many many more times like I had this morning. And all I can say is thank-you to God who cares for even the smallest details, like running. This child is so thankful.

Let us pray, Let us pray..

Every day and every way, every moment of the day it is the right time...Prayer.

I have recognized that in my past I did not pray nearly enough, and it's such a crucial part of the relationship God designed, we speak, He answers. We see Him work by the answers to our prayers, and our faith is encouraged, and the relationship flourishes more and more. However, if we never ask, we never think to look for answers and we then miss out on all the encouragement He had in store for us.

Remember that old song by Steven Curtis Chapman? Let us pray? Well, it's true. Every moment of the day it is the right time. Let us pray without end and when we finish start again, like breathing out and breathing in, let us pray.

Those are some of the lyrics and they have been running through my mind all day..by no coincidence, because when I opened up my daily devotional by Ray Stedman this morning, this is what God had to say to me about prayer there:

"Part of the reason so many are finding Christianity to be boring is because they are not experiencing the kind of Christian living described in this passage. They have not entered into this kind of relationship, where each day they experience the glorious adventure of seeing a living God at work, answering prayer, and giving to them things that they ask. But in this passage we have a beautiful picture of the normal life of a Christian. It is all centered in prayer, because prayer is the most fundamental relational activity that a Christian can experience. Prayer is the expression of dependence on a loving God, and the whole Christian life is to be characterized by a continuous attitude and spirit of prayer."

Why is this so important to me? Because as of late, I feel like my breath has been a prayer, but not so for most of my life. I was driving through a small town today near my home and I found myself praying for this town, one because my Sister just moved there, and two, because God is moving there due to a new church plant.

Which before friends, I'm telling you in all honesty...I never would have prayed for that. Now, as I sit here in my sickness, I find my breath moving in and out is a prayer for healing for myself, and also, a prayer for others who are sick....I never would have prayed for that before either.

What I am saying here, is that what Ray talked about in the above quote, the richness of the relationship in a Christians life deepens when prayer is present, I have seen that happen first hand in my own life...and the more you do it, the more you do it without thinking.

It's like breathing. And that makes sense, because God is to be our breath of life, our air. And lately, I feel as though I've been taking huge gulps of it every second of every day. Maybe that is why God has allowed some trial in my life, so I need that angle of our relationship. Every season, a new angle of our relationship begins to unveil itself to me...the many new ways I find that I need God. It's such a dependence. I need Him so bad. And I think He wants me this way.

Not that He is a God sitting in heaven throwing evil upon people so we turn and notice Him, but God does use the evil in this world that affects us, to draw us nearer to Him, and make something bad, good.

Sickness =bad in my world. However, in God's kingdom sickness can =dependence on God, which =a deeper relationship with Him which =health in that individuals heart. See how things work in kingdom mathematics? Pretty cool. And if it where not for prayer, that equation, would be meaningless to me, and perhaps to all of you as well.

So next time you think that "maybe you should pray more.." Stop what your doing, (unless your driving) :) and pray. I talk to God a lot when I'm driving....(mostly to tune out the sound of my children screaming in the back seat) but needless to say, I pray.

And I know He restores my soul...my health is fleeting, and I know good days are to come...although it is hard to keep that perspective, I do try, and I pray that I can. So friends, do now, what I did not do in my past, and make your present, a dependant, constant conversation with the Lord, and watch and see what He does in your heart. It's simply beautiful, and healthy.

FIXING MY EYES

This morning, I was asking the Lord to give me the wisdom to blog something worthy of Him. You see, it seems this sickness has begun to take it's toll on me, physically and emotionally, I feel as though I cry more than I am not, and I know this is not how God intends me to be, even in trials. I have had other trials where I felt victorious and conquering! But when health is gone, it feels as though all is gone, and this my friends, is simply not true. It's a lie that the enemy has had me in for the last 6 weeks of sickness, it's been long, I will admit, but all is not gone. Today I went to my final day of bible study, where women were given the opportunity to stand and share a brief testimony on what God had done in their lives through the study of John. I was begging the Lord to simply let me be fed this morning messages of hope and strength to give me strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow. And friends, He did just that.
One woman made the comment that when fear was setting in, it was as if she felt the hands of savior grab her face and say, "Child! Eyes on me!!!" And Im sure, (she did not elaborate) that He did this is many ways, because that is what He does with me too. And I needed to hear that today. My eyes have been darting around like fireflies on a midnight sky and it was as if I could not stay focused on any one thing (much less God) for more than a few seconds. That is how fear and anxiety works. If it's not one thing, it's another. And so it goes, until we are sitting their, sick and wringing our hands in trials, and all while knowing, this is not how we are to be.
God makes us victorious in trial. God makes us strong in battle. God holds us up while we are in deep waters. God, guides us around difficult paths and rocky mountains. If it were not for the Lord, and the gift we have in being able to fix our eyes with His, I would be a goner.
I have had many hopeless, helpless days, where I have been forgetting to call on His name, and seek His face.
I read the story yesterday of a woman in Jesus's time on earth, where she was subject to a disease of bleeding...and had done for 12 years. 12 Years!!! That's so long to be sick. I cried.
Jesus was in town, she had heard, and she had this thought.."if only I could touch His robe, I shall be healed! He wouldn't even have to know I touched Him!" So she set out, she found the mobs and crowds surrounding the Lord, she fought with all her strength, pushing through screaming, shouting people until she reached the robe, the very end of His robe. What she did next is so exemplifying her faith in His power, her trust in His ability to heal..she kneels down, reaches out, touches His robe, and instantly! She is Healed!!!
However, Jesus stops, He says, "Who touched me?" The crowd goes silent..one of the disciples dares to venture..."Lord, in all these crowds of people, you say, 'who touched me?'"
But Jesus persists.."Who touched me?" For He had felt the power leave Him the scriptures say as she touched him. So the woman, who was formerly bleeding for 12 years, stands. She says to the Lord..."Lord, I touched you." I'm sure she was ready to just "get it" from Him. After all, she did not ask, she just did it. But instead, our faithful kind Father said this.." Go...your faith has healed you..."
Isn't that an amazing story? I wish that faith was mine, but friends, the beauty of it is, is that He has already healed me in so many ways, I know that this can be true for me as well.
Perhaps not physical healing, (although He does that as well!) but also, healing for my sick and tired heart, if only, if only, I can fix my eyes on Him.
I pray that this will be true of you all today. Because if I know one thing, there is not a person out there without something in their life that they could call a trial. And if you are trial free, perhaps the Lord has allowed this for you so that you can be an utmost encouragement to those with the trials. So open your hearts, open your ears, open your eyes, ask the Lord to this for you, so that you can see Him, hear Him, and know Him in the way that He would have you.
Fix those eyes on the author and perfecter of your faith...and be encouraged!

Everything

I have been having these thoughts as of late, on the greatness of God. What I have been thinking about more specifically is that I can't even really wrap my mind around Him and His character, who He is, and all that He does.

"ironically" My pastor taught on this subject today. The passage He spoke from was Isaiah 6:5-13...and at first, I thought to myself, "what an odd passage to find things about God in, wouldn't you rather look to some of His power in the Old Testament first?"

But these verses hold a glimpse, just a glimpse (because that is really all we can behold) of His power and greatness.

This is what Isaiah tells us, he, caught a glimpse of the tail of God's robe, and just the greatness that this picture beheld for him, he fell to the ground and says, "woe is me, I am a man of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, The Lord Almighty.."vs 5

His response was one of fear because he, Isaiah in the sight of God knew and recognized his desperate state of sin and was fearful for his life because he knew God saw his sin too. So at the first sight of God, he was not jumping up and down like at a rock concert or silently whispering praises as we often do in church...No. He was afraid because he saw himself as he truly was before God in all of His greatness, and that was unclean.

You see, clean begins from the inside. It's the motives, it's the thoughts, it's that tiny little attitude in our heart...and why did Isaiah exclaim he was unclean on his lips? Because the lips (i learned today) are the doorway for those sins to escape. Its the slander, it's the mean spirited feelings we have towards another, it's jealousy...it's discontent.

And I was humbled. I was humbled because one can look so very good on the outside but if I am honest with myself, there is ugliness within that does occasionally escape through my lips, in that brief second, that I have my moment of sin, I disconnect myself from the path of truth, from the heart of the Savior and I too, must join Isaiah in his fearful cry.

You see, it puts us back to where we really are...no, this is not a biblical smack down, it's a warning that we all are given. That if we are "real" with ourselves, then we must be honest about what's on the inside door of the those lips. What is it that wants to come out, but we won't let it because we are "Christians?" Lots of things. Lots and lots of things.

That is where we start. Those things. We tell the Lord to cleanse our lips as Isaiah had done for him, only the angels did it for him by touching a coal to his lips. Isaiah was too weak to even ask for this purification, but knew he needed it.

Do you feel that way too? Are you too weak to even ask the Lord for what you need? To weak to say, "where do I begin?" Trust me, I've been there, and it's so overwhelming...

but when we round the corner of God's forgiveness and we let out whats been inside, (but in a God honoring way) the truth comes out, we can be real, and we can be forgiven.

I find, each time I divorce a little bit more of me, I hear the Lord's calling the next time a little sooner and it sounds a little louder. The best way to tune out the Lord, is to ignore Him so long that we forget the very sound of His voice.

Today we sang the song "Holy is the Lord God Almighty" and I was stolen away by the lyrics.. one of the lines said this.. "You are my everything, and I will adore you."

Is He my everything, I thought? Do I adore Him? Not the way I should. Anytime I hold "pieces of me" from Him, and hold things in my heart that are sinful, that I am not able to truly adore Him and He is not truly my everything.

This is not a works based relationship, and even though I know that, I still act as if it is just that. I act good. I talk good. I pretend. And that is ugly.

If I truly want to worship God, have Him cleans me of my unclean lips, than I need to depend upon Him moment by moment...because that is how often we need His forgiveness.

It is what it is, I recognize who I am in the sight of God and it's not pretty. The only way I am seen as beautiful before the King is because He had grace and mercy upon my helpless state of sin I just acknowledged, and I accept the Lord's forgiveness...all that He did for me on the cross...and I daily give Him my everything. It's not work though...it's actually the best place to be because here in this place friends, there is no fear, (accept the due fear of His mightiness) There is no discontent in the mind, there is nothing that poisons our joy.

Peace is what resides here...and once your there, you will never want to leave. And you don't have too! Staying in the will of God is not always easy, because it requires us to lay down things that our sinful self really likes and has grown quite attached too, but when we do forfeit those things, we are filled with better, more pure, and life giving things.

And once those those poisons are gone from our mind, don't you believe you'd be able to do just about anything in a more joy filled, life-filled way? I have experienced moments of such freedom and it's amazing.

So take Isaiah's warning to heart...heed his words from personal experience, he saw God, and then he saw himself the way God saw him, and the result was fear. We cannot stand before God with all our sin in our life and peacefully worship...first the sin must go, and then we can adore Him with our everything. I pray you are challenged now and I was this morning to examine your hearts, and I did mine and see what God sees, so that we can be clean.

Going Fishing

I am awe struck by My Lord and Savior today. I just completed the study of John and I have learned more than I could have ever imagined. Many things occurred during this study, and my faith grew for the Lord, My love and understanding grew of the Lord and my desires to live for Him, please Him and make disciples for Him grew as well. All in all, I stand in awe.

The book of John held a host of starring roles, one of which belonged to Peter, a simple fisherman with intense passion, blind faith and a strong willed heart. I adore Peter. He was so real, and yet he did fail quite miserably from time to time. I learned so much from Peter, and I wonder friends, if you also will as I explain some very amazingly beautiful things about life with this man they call Jesus.

It is said, that there is no great man who at one point has not failed miserably. Look at many noble, men of God who did in fact make big missteps in their life, and against God, and yet, they are still remembered as great men of God. Doesn't that give you hope? I know it does that for me. Peter was one of those great men, and I know I have spent a great deal of time lately discussing his person, so I won't beat a dead horse, but here is the scene from today that I learned..

Jesus has risen, and is appearing randomly to His disciples. They are waiting and waiting for Him to return and re-appear to them, and Peter, gets impatient. He tells his friends and fellow disciples that "he is going fishing!" Now, fishing was a huge part of Simon Peter's past...in fact it was his past, his lively hood and who he was. All that changed that one amazing day when Jesus called Him to no longer be fishers of fish, but of men. (the story is found in Luke 5:1-11.) And holds amazing similarities to the story I am discussing at the moment. But regardless, Peter is tired of waiting on the Lord, and decides, he is not only taking matters into his own hands, he's going back to what fits him, and feels comfortable. His past life of sin.

How many of you have ever been in this place as well? I know I have...but here is the thing, and you too will find what Peter found out that day, the past held nothing for him. He caught not a single fish when he fished in his own strength. Oh my friends...this is how it is. We return to something makes us "feel" like we will be happier there, and we in turn are less content because now we are not only discontent, we feel like failures. Peter really felt like a failure, because first he disowns the Lord, and now this. He could never go crawling back to the Lord.. or so he thought...

The men, are still out fishing, tired, empty and probably hungry and then they see a man standing on the shore.. he calls to them and says this.." Friends...haven't you caught any fish?"

Of course this man is Jesus, and no, He is not mocking them, He is only making a simple observation of their desolate state. He calls to us too...He says to us.."Friends..are you lonely? Are you friends not at the bar as you once supposed? Friends...Does that man, or woman you went back to not love you as deeply as you thought they did? Friends...why did you go "fishing" when I told you to do that no more? Friends, that past life is not "you" anymore."

Have you ever heard those words before...I have.

Well, because the Lord is so amazing, and so loving, He does not leave his Friends hanging there empty handed...He rescues them...

He tells them, "Drop your nets on this side of the boat..." So they did, and what do you think happened next, they pulled up not 20 fish, but 153 fish. Which in that time, was enough fish to break a net. Now...isn't that how the Lord works? Instantly John recognizes that it is Jesus (they did not before) and he exclaims.."It is the LORD!" And what happened next, takes my breath away...Peter, in all his blind passion, leaps into the water towards the Lord. With passion, with thankfulness, with a desire to be near the Father, He leaps. What a lesson for us.

So here is where I am taking this home...what is your "fishing" escape? What are you running too when your running from Him? When your tired of waiting! Waiting is never easy, but Jesus is in the waiting too...waiting is where some of our most valuable lessons comes from..trust me, I know! So when the men come ashore with all the fish, Jesus has already prepared a hot fire for them, with breakfast. Isn't that amazing? So, here are this group of disobeying men, and He calls them friends, helps them in their catch, and then, He nourishes them..

Proving to me my friends, that no matter how badly it is that we thing we have screwed up, when we jump towards him in love and repentance, he cares for us, he feeds us and he meets even our smallest of needs. Even our hunger. Are you hungry? I have been...let Him not only feed you but teach you, so that next time, when you have to wait for something, you can wait most faithfully and in His perfect peace.

May this knowledge bless you as it blessed me, and inspire you to be for Him as He would have you be, as it did for me.

The God we serve is able to do immeasurably more that we could ever imagine!!!

Heaven on Earth

Impossible you say? I for one serve a God who is excellent in the area of accomplishing the impossible and in doing so improving my human faith. NO, the title heaven on earth is more about where our hearts are with God. I am not implying that we never have bad days or that nothing ever gets us down...because trust me my friends, I have seen and felt some not so peachy things lately and yet, and yet...God is here with me.

This comes on the wings of another very long day of feeling sick, and also getting some news from friends of more heartache, and feeling the grime of another day, here on a sinful earth. Depressing you say? It may be if I did not have the Lord...and there in lies my secret. He is my eternal life for when I head to heaven, but he is also my eternal life on earth, and I will tell you what that means to me. It builds of course on my last post about having abundant life...it's about saying this to Lord..."Lord, I know that all the joy, love and peace that is available to the Son, is also available me, which in turn, frees me to feel peace in pain. Abundant life. And all the joy that comes with the knowledge of eternal life."

I make the choice to hand Him my heart, my woes and fears and say, "Lord these are yours..and I know I can live free right now.. eternal joy and life is not just for when I die and go to heaven."

When I say, when I claim that truth as mine, and confess that it's only by that, that I will have life on earth, then there is peace and also a release of my trying, my doing and my working to make this life good all on my own...because I'm fooling myself if I think I can.

"Most of us read the words eternal life as though they only apply to heaven in the future. Everlasting life, we call it, life that never ends. That is not inaccurate. Eternal life is life that never ends, but the essential factor about eternal life is not quantity, but quality. What John is speaking of here is not merely something we are going to get in heaven someday, but it is something we can experience and enjoy now. It is fullness of life, the full quality of divine life lived out in your situation, right now, and increasing in fullness of enjoyment forever. In other words, eternal life is the daily adventure of experiencing God's solution to every problem instead of your own. It is the discovery of God's program for every opportunity, instead of yours."

Ray Stedman

Now, don't you feel as though if you can give that over, release that, and accept His gift that all of life will seem a bit lighter? Well, it will. Not because all your problems will go away, but because the Lord will be your strong tower, He will be your sustainer, He will give you life.

Now this process is not all the difficult for the person who knows He's all they've got. Which I really do know...not that I count myself special, I count myself fortunate to know that I need Him this much. It's sometimes the hard things in life, that knock you around a bit that make you recognize your need for Him and once you recognize your need for Him you count yourself blessed to have that knowledge for now, every difficult circumstance (or good) becomes less about your ability to make it through and more about your reliance on God and His helping you to make it through.

Life is not always about hardships, but a large portion of it is somewhat difficult, and I am so thankful to have recognized my need for Him when I did, so that I can have this life He offers right now...He is the peace in the storm. He is our life.

I hope you resonate with this tonight friends, I pray you never have to face hardship, but if you do, know this, the sooner we run to Him, the sooner we can walk on the water in the wind, as opposed to sink through...

The truth is, we drown without His life, His life is a gift, His life is our everything, here, and eternally. And it's that knowledge and acceptance that saves our very lives.

The Purpose of Christ

I know that of course is HUGE title to a blog post. And I also know that I of course am not so special that I have this completely figured out, but it's what I'm learning, and I want to share...

The idea that God and the Son are one, is a hard concept to say the least, and I'm not entirely sure I have a real grasp on what that means, but that is where my faith has to come in.

I know that the Son came to earth, and when He was baptized by John when His ministry first began the heavens opened up, and a dove (the spirit) flew down, landed on Jesus, and God, The Father boomed from the heavens, "this is my son, in whom I am pleased!"

Could you first of all, imagine the voice of God saying that about you? My heart skips a beat at the words of God and the message Jesus received was even more jaw-dropping. To please God, is impossible except for one, The Son. And this is exactly why we know Jesus is who He said He was.

There are a few purposes that John wrote out in the end of his book, "John". :) (appropriately titled)

and the purposes of Christ coming to earth, that were recorded in this book were these three things: That you would know Jesus is the Christ, That you would know that He is the Son of God, and That you would have LIFE in His name. (and although it's not written here in this place, it is in others, that we would have not just life, but abundant life.)

Until a couple of years ago, I had not the slightest idea of what "abundant" meant...I thought perhaps it meant that I might have more than enough of everything I ever wanted. Well, in part that was true, more than enough is an a good definition of abundant, but it was the "all I ever wanted" that was scewed. What I wanted and what God wanted for me, where quite different things, and it all stemmed from my trust, and belief in everything that the Son of God claimed in His word, which is the Fathers word, because they are one. Anyone confused? I was too.

God is God. His words are true, the Son is God, and His words are true then also...and I did not really take and apply those words to my life in such way that proved that I believed. I didn't live it. I didn't speak it. I didn't have joy, and I most certainly did not have life abundantly.

SO in my life today...what does "life abundant" mean? It means I have Christ first and for most in my life. (that was the first major change) It also means, that the things I want are different because of the fact that Christ comes first. And it means that I have an eternal home waiting for me, where the Father dwells!!!!

That was the purpose of the book of John. Those three things He stated, I get why he made those three the most important! The miracles of Jesus where amazing, but they really only pointed to the power of God, in hopes that it would soften hearts and bring repentance... Prior to my great repentance, the miracles were what I always focused on the most! Hoping that God would also doing something "miraculously great" in my own life. You know, really important things like: help me get the most awesome car, or have a really hot boyfriend, or be the first to get something all my friends wanted. Yeah. Really important stuff like that.

Now, thankfully, things are different! So what does "having life" mean in a nutshell? It means, It's all Gods. Everything. Me, My dreams, My desires, My hopes, My fears, My anxieties, My Great Aspirations, Me.

And in the giving up of all of that, and the accepting of all of Him, I of course am filled. Filled to the max. Filled abundantly. Filled beyond the point of understanding.

Now, I am not perfect nor do I feel great all day every day about my circumstances because unfortunately, I am most sinful, and still completely human. But, I know where to turn when I again slip up...I echo the words of David when I say..

"Since my youth Oh Lord you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds!"

Psalm 71:17

So let me ask you my friends...what does "life" feel like for you? Is it lacking in depth, security or hope? Oh how I have been there! Stop believing that this life can be about you, and watch and see as the Lord transforms broken things into whole, and makes His purposes known! Then and only then will His miracles be recognized for what they truly are!

It reminds me of the story in the 2nd chapter of Mark, where the paralyzed man is dropped through the roof so that Jesus could heal Him, instead of instantly saying to the man, "get up and walk" like I'm sure he expected Him too...Jesus says this..."Your sins are forgiven!" Now, what an odd thing to say to a paralyzed man don't you think? Perhaps Jesus was making the point that while we focus on the outward things that need healing He looks at our broken hearts. He first healed in this man what really needed to be healed in hopes that when the physical miracle was preformed, a whole body transformation could begin, rather than just strength regained in this mans legs.

So, is it your legs that need fixing or your heart? Ask Him. He can mend both. He did it for me, and continues to do so every day as I seek Him with all my heart, and thus; life abundant is born.

Where do you go...

I'm sure there are some of my friends who read this that remember the song, "Where do I go?"

Well, for sake of brushing up your memories, let me give you a few lines and see if it hits home at all..

"where do I go when I need a shelter? Where do I go when I need a friend? Where do I go...back on my knees again!"

Last night it hit me, in all of my sickness (pregnancy) I had begun to move inward, rather than towards God. My outlook on life had started to become so dismal, and I was starting to feel as though it was difficult just keeping my head above water...

And I will admit, I have never been sicker in all my life, and I have never been sick this long, but I also recognize one other thing, I have never had the relationship with the Lord that I have today, and I need to ask for Him to rescue me. Maybe not rescue me in the sense that all my sickness goes away so I'm all better right now, (although I am praying for that too!) but rescuing in the sense that He will help me get through my present trial with confidence and grace.

"The times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord..." Acts 3:19

My eyes fell on that verse as I was writing some things on my calender last night, and it hit me, I had not really been in the word as much as I had before I got sick, and it also hit me that although I was in pain in a difference sense, the last trial I was in I DID run to the word and I WAS refreshed. So, I decided to do what I had forgotten to do before, and that was run to the word. With my Bible in hand, I ran to my room, got my glass of ginger ale and jumped into bed knowing, just knowing He would meet me there.

I read some Psalms, which always proves encouraging to me, mainly because I love the fact that David, a man after God's own heart had such struggles that I could identify with. And when God responds to Him, the responses always fit my pains as well. Perhaps that's why this book is in the Bible...

Then I headed to Mark...I'm reading through the gospels on my own and there is nothing more beautiful that the very words of Jesus. When I see red words in my Bible, I cannot help but skip ahead and read because His words are as balm to my soul, and refreshment to my heart.

Friends, I did go to bed still feeling sick, but I awoke refreshed. I felt a skip in my heart as I pulled myself from bed, sensing the nausea had lifted some, whether or not it really had or it was just the spiritual refreshment I had received from the night before, I'm not quite sure, but regardless, I felt better!!!

SO, I followed suit to my practices last night and ran again to my open Bible sitting on the table and searched for His words to my soul...

You see my big question throughout this whole process of being so sick, has been this: Why do some women just get a mild case of heartburn, while others (like me) feel as though they would like to die( I know it's a bit dramatic) :)

And then I read these verses in John 21:18-23 and it gave some light to my predicament. Turns out, my attitude, and my questioning might be the real sickness.

Peter, has just received some grave news from Jesus as He prophesies about how Peter was going to die. A sad word and reality for Peter. But in this moment the way he responds I SO identified with, Peter turns, points to John, the other disciple, and basically asks the Lord, "OK, so what's Johns fate?"

Jesus says this in reply:

"If I want Him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me!" John 21:22

I'm starting to catch the drift. Are you? It wasn't a fun realization, but it's the truth, and it really is the truth that sets us free. I do not have to be depressed. I can be sick and still be trusting in Him. Now, I know I am not going to be able to keep a perfect attitude throughout this time, but my faith in Christ shall not dim, and my trust in His timing (as always) is going to lead me where I need to be, when I need to be there. And in the meantime, He will sustain me. Now isn't that encouraging?

What started out a simple tune of "where do I go?" being hum in my head, ended as a very valuable lesson in my faith. He is where I need to turn. And Friends, He is where you need to turn to as well.

What is your sickness? Is it medical bills? Is it illness? Is it your marriage? You fill in the blank...and know that regardless, God is the answer and it's when we turn to Him that we feel refreshed. I've been praying for this very thing I'm writing on for myself, and I know now without a doubt that He has just answered me. And Isn't that amazing? TO see the hand of God answer prayers???!!! Those answers are there when we search in the right places...

SO where do you go? Where will you go? Go to Him, He is waiting there, ready to refresh your soul. OH how I love My GOD!!!!

The best version of me

This is not a blog about self-improvement, although I am all about making the most of what we have..that is a good thing, however what I am contemplating here is this:

"For you tested us God, and refined us as silver.." Psalm 66:10

I once looked at that verse and thought.."what a power hungry, greedy God." Yes. I actually thought that. And of course I have repented, but the idea that I am His project is amazing to me. What used to infuriate me, now makes me tremble in adoration. This is His purpose for me: to be more and more like Him...and naturally, I need some refining. :)

As I've been reading in my Bible study what the Lord did with each of His disciples from day one, till the day He ascended, this is exactly what He did with each and every one of them.

You had a man named Peter..who had no faith at all, and in the end, died for the Lord. (crucified upside down because he did not feel worthy to die as his Lord did.) Now that is faith my friends.

You have a woman who was possessed my 7 demons, Mary Magdalene, and she received new life (literally) from the Lord as He freed her from that stronghold, and she was one of the first few He appeared to after He rose from the grave.

And then there's Thomas. A man who doubted even when their was eyewitness accounts of Jesus rising...until this, He saw the Lord and he exclaimed: "My Lord and my God!" Claiming his true faith right then and there.

So my friends, of course I had to ponder this thought, what is He doing with me? And (how can I through this sooner..) :) haha.

No, in all reality...I am thankful for the knowledge that He is not going to leave me the way I am today. I can be so ugly, and I look no further than yesterday to realize I am in need of improvement, and hopefully, today He begins that work and helps me clean up yesterdays messes, because there are many of them.

What Christ does with a human heart and life, is unlike what any other self help type person might be able to give you. There are lots of healthy ways to clean up our outward lives, but it truly is what is on the inside that matters..and my own life is a true testimony of this.

I may have looked nice on the outside, sounded okay for the most part, but when my life got tense, and my situation uncomfortable, what was really inside, came out. And friends, it wasn't pretty. Anger. Greed. Discontentedness, Malice, Disrespect to God and others..Selfishness.

I cry as I write that list, not because I'm living in the past, for I know friends by the grace of God that I have been set free, however, if renaming those past sins, helps to encourage others to grow in Him, then I shall list them all day long.

Its the remembrance of where I've been that helps me to praise Him all the more for where I am going, and hopefully to be some day.

I never want to stop growing. I never want to stand still. And this is why I never quit digging into the word. Into His life, into his thoughts, attitudes, and attributes that I pray someday I may posses more of...

He is my idol. He is my celebrity that I strive to look like. Most days. Of course, I have still have much refinement left and the moment I think, "I'm done.." then this is where the real work should begin. For we are never done, but we are constantly being more and more transformed into the image of Christ, and why? Why you ask? So we can do His good work.

He makes us into the best versions of ourselves...because number one: God does not mistakes, and He made you. Number 2: God like what He made, we just are a little rough around the edges. Now doesn't that make a girl (or guy) feel better? He likes you as you! He wants to use you, because of who HE made you to be. I like that. So, even in all my imperfections, all my weirdness and all my quirky idea's, He still wants me. And He wants you too. This Father, who formed you in your mothers womb, made you just as you are, and it is beautiful. Now, allow Him to make you more beautiful...more use full...full of His purposes rather than your purposes. So, you ask...How can we do this? Ask. Seek. Knock. and be willing. Be a willing participant. There may be pain as we drag our feet, but as I have personally realized..when my heart was screaming in pain, I grew. OH!!! I grew!!! And so can you..

"Search my heart and know me God for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."

May He do this for you, starting today...

My Little Drummer Boy

Yesterday Joshua made the most of another sick day at home with Mommy...and this is what he came up with...and i think it's pretty great...

enjoy!

Trying

I have had this blog post written in my head for quite some time, and it seems to be keeping me awake at night now, so I think it's time to give birth. :)

Does the word "Trying" strike a chord with any of you women, (or men) reading this today? Well, that is what I was doing really since last fall...and to no avail.

This was a journey I never anticipated having to go, trying for a baby because having babies seemed to come easy for us, my son came just came a year and half or so after we were married, and 15 months later, my daughter arrived, no trying involved. So I thought that this was just how it happened. Turns out, God had some lessons for me to learn, and I needed to learn them well. I never learn anything the easy way, and it's been a process all my life to actually "get" a certain message. It seems that trial after trial was placed in my life concerning my attitude, and my priorities.. and it always felt as though the Lord was saying, "I come first..." Which of course I always said He did, but my actions said quite another thing...

And so I found myself in this thing this year. Not an easy road, but a necessary walk, in order to learn what really matters, and I did find that out, (not that I now got it all down) but I'm on the right highway at least. :)

So I had the thought, "maybe I want another baby.." and of course, I assumed given my "great success with fertility" in the past, this would just happen now that I had thought it. I was gravely wrong. And with that realization of wrong, a host of emotions opened up in my heart that started me on the journey I would walk for many many months. (it felt like an eternity.)

Do you know that life can planned out in 14 day cycles? The first 14 you are simply counting the days until ovulation. The next 14 you are counting until the day of your cycle, hoping it would never show, meaning you were pregnant. But with each cycle arrival, the hopes were dashed against rocks and the depression sinks in a little deeper, and what once felt like a fun thought, now feels like a distant memory.

So this is where I sat for many months, counting, wishing, waiting, hoping, praying and finally falling apart. This was my cycle, one can only imagine, it got old my for husband, and myself.

But I was in this thing and this was my trial at hand. I kept asking the Lord.."Why would you give me this desire if you are only going to keep me from being full filled?" And yes, I became angry with the Lord. I thought..."this can certainly not be His plan for my life???!!!" and then also, "I must be doing something wrong, I need to try harder in my own power." And so I did, more careful planning, more counting, more "try this herb and get pregnant" solutions. To no avail. Only opening up the door to more heartache, because then I came up with the solution that surly, something must be wrong with me. Another trip to the Dr., another test...another scan.

Oh the heartache I put myself through, because I did not trust.

Let this be a lesson to all of you, learn from my mistakes, circumstances may be difficult, but when trust in the Lord is gone, all is gone. For He is our hope.

I didn't realize this yet and continued on in my own ambitions to solve my problems. They weight became intense. It seemed as though everywhere I looked I saw pregnant people, and they all made comments like "Oh man, I wasn't ready be pregnant, or being pregnant stinks!!!"

REALLY???!!! I wanted to scream...I would have given anything for that. Anything.

And there in lied my problem. That was my glitch. It mattered more than anything. Including God. I may not have admitted it, but it did, and I know that He was not comfortable with that, given the heartfelt commitments that I had made to Him, this was not good enough for Him. God cannot be second in our hearts.

It took some time before I came to this realization..I was sitting in Bible study class one day and it began to sink in, God wanted my heart first. He gave up everything for me first...and He was faithful to me first...and my heart began to beat a little faster, and the tears began to fall.

"O Lord! I cried...I have been so blind!!! I have not trusted you..I have not put you first...I am sorry." And of course, like all things, these realizations come in stages...and it wasn't long before I got wrapped up in my "trying" again. Something would set me off again, and I would get frantic. But once I had my initial revelation of my sin, I just could not get comfortable in my cycle of trying again. So little by little, I dropped things into the hands of the Lord..and told Him.."here, this is yours, and I trust you.." The last thing I dropped into His loving hands was my children, Past, present and future. You see, I lost a baby before I had my first and that thought kept haunting me all while I was trying..because I kept thinking, "I could have three!!" And then of course, my children right now, my little blessings walking around my house every day...those were, and had to be His as well. My soul purpose could not be in them, for them, by them, and through them...that was God's position. Not theirs. So I handed My little boy, and my little girl over to Him also, and said, "You Father, mean more to me then even them..." And then lastly, I fell on my knees, tears streaming down my face and I told Him this..."You mean more to me than having another baby too Jesus. You are my answer. You are my positive result. You are what will fulfill me..." And friends, He did just that. He filled me right up. And then just a few short weeks later, he also gave me a baby!!!! So, now, I'm pregnant. (sicker than a dog, but thankful as all get-out.) And this was my thought.."He didn't have to do that..He already fulfilled me. He already gave me Himself to have and to hold..but because He's good, because He's gracious and because He desires much praise...He also gave me another child.

Now, I know this is not the secrete to all women getting pregnant, but it is my story and He did receive much praise from this whole ordeal. He took something hopeless, turned it around in due time to give His name more praise, than if I had just gotten pregnant right away! Because then I would have accredited my own abilities at getting pregnant, but when it happened this way, I could accredit no-one but the Lord because I had already done everything in my human power to make it happen, but it was not until God allowed it that it happened. SO, Glory be to His name! And I wanted to share this with all of you so that you too could praise His name as well! Thanks for listening...

Do you walk, or do you run?

This is the scene, Jesus had died, been buried and today is the third day, these are the precious moments that the ones the Lord loved got one more chance to see His beautiful face and be comforted by His presence in person. I've thought of that so often this year as I went through some trials and was studying the book of John...

To see the literal face of Jesus, and have His literal hands to hold, my mind cannot fathom it, and it makes me want the day of heaven to hasten!

There are two stories here that stick out to me, and I will tell you why..first, Jesus appears to Mary Magdalene, and He finds her distraught, weeping, and wondering why this tomb of her Lord's is empty.. She sees and man approach her, probably in fear she cries out.."where is His body? What have you done with it? Please tell me so I can go and get it.." And then what happens next takes me breath away...Jesus looks at His sweet daughter and he utters her name...

And with just utterance of her name, she recognizes her masters voice and cries out for HIM! Isn't that beautiful..she did not at first recognize His face, (I'm not sure why) but when He speaks, she knows it's Him instantly, giving life to these verses:

"He calls His sheep by name and leads them out...When he has brought out all of His own, He goes on ahead of the, and His sheep follow Him because they know his voice.."

-John 10:3b-5

Isn't that so beautiful? I just began to cry when I read that, because the same is true of us my friends...When we are fearful, possibly with our faces to the ground and tears streaming down our cheeks because of the fear at hand, you know the sound of the Savior's voice vs. the lies in your head do you not? Don't you recognize His gentle tone and loving words when He picks you up as His most loved daughters and son's and whispers to you, "Don't be afraid! It is I! I will never leave you nor forsake you!" I have heard His voice, and my heart does recognize it and the thought that he takes the moments to stoop down, pick me up from my heap on the floor, is amazing to me.

So then, after He appeared to Mary, He tells her, "go and tell my disciples this news of my rising from the dead" (paraphrased!) and so she does, I can only imagine this scene my friends, here is Mary, heart thumping out of chest, her mind screaming..."The Lord is alive! The Lord is alive!!" and with tears of joy and disbelief she runs to tell her friends, and His disciples..

When she reaches them and blurts out her news, they are in utter disbelief...and two of them took off running for His tomb. I love that as well. I love it because I have run for the Lord in my fear, in my disbelief, in my confusion and in my need for joy, I have run.

There were two of them, running, one Peter, the other John, but John couldn't hold his excitement in, He ran full throttle passing Peter and sprinted marathon Olympics style to the tomb..

(John 20: 4) And then it states that this disciple saw and believed...even though he still did not understand. Have you ever felt this way friends? To put this to life let me tell you of my personal experience..

It was one of the coldest days that I can remember having for some time, and I my fear, my distrust and my disbelief had gotten the better of me throughout the night, my dreams had been restless as well as my sleep and I knew as awoke and I didn't even need to open my eyes to know that this was going to be a day that I could not make it on my own. So I'm telling you friends, I lurched from my bed, knowing my children would awake soon and I needed my time with the Lord and I ran to my kitchen table and got to my Bible and waiting, breathlessly as I knew that He would speak to me. And do you know what? He did. He gave me words, He gave me signs of greater things to come and He calmed my fears and I too saw and believed.

The most amazing thing to me of this whole experience was this: it was not always like this for me, and this needing the Lord, that was new to me. And as much as I was fearful of my circumstances, I was thankful for the recognition of the Savior, and for the breathless way I needed Him.

I pray you hear this from my words: He knows you, and when we are breathless for Him, we recognized His voice as well. We don't need to know what anyone on tv's voice sounds like or what the magazines say someone sounds like or what "so and so" can do for you to fix your fear, you need the Savior, the Shepherd and the one who needs to speak only one word for you to be calm. Isn't that comforting..now we know where to go, and I sure feel reassured. I hope all of you do to. SO don't just walk to the Lord, RUN!!!