Choosing to Dig Deeper

I have been thinking a lot about where I've come from, and I blogged on that just a few days ago, and now, as I sit here, recognizing what I've come up out of, it would be easy (by the worlds standards) to simply sit back and say, "there, that's done. Now I can relax." Well, that is kinda what I wanted to do today, I wanted to hear how the messages I was hearing at my Bible study were for other people for once, not for me and I could just "take a day off" of learning, growing and becoming more for Christ. No, I did not actually voice those thoughts, but they were there. And it was sort of as if I was asking the Lord for a bit of a vacation from having to learn anything else about myself that was distasteful to Him. Turns out, that's what happened. Things started out OK as I listened the lecture, I was laughing and joking with a friend sitting next to me, and then the truth of God's word began to sink in again. There it was...my sin. And once again, I had to confess that I was sinning even in my desire to be exempt from learning! I wanted to sit back, content and feel as though I had learned enough! That is just never going to be the case. I don't say that to discourage myself, or you for that matter, I say it more as an observation. If I were to observe myself here, I'd say I started feeling comfortable in who I was, and some degree of this I recognize is OK...but too much of this and person can become complacent. That is not what I want, nor is it what God wants for me!
So as I read in my study today that I was reading, when I came to this question I stopped and pondered this question that was asked of me:
Are you pretending that you can do whatever you want, and God will be pleased with it as long as you are sincere..?
I always am focusing on being sincere of heart when I do what I do, but does what I am doing reflect God's desires for me? I guess I'm just putting the questions out there at this point because at this point I'm still in the processing phase of this.
I recognize that God will use many different circumstances to get our attention, and I am no exception, He draws in, gives us the word to read and learn from, but if the things we learn in the word are not enough to get our attention, He pulls from outside circumstances to make us listen. I know how that sounds. It sounds like, "what a mean, terrible God." But that is not it at all. And I need to remind myself of this. If we shake our fist at God when His correction comes in the form of difficult circumstances, then we risk missing out on the lessons He has in store for us, and if we stay mad permanently, we risk missing out on God all together.
I know one thing for sure, God attempted to use less harsh things in my life initially to get my focus off of myself and onto Him, but when I would not relent, my life circumstances did begin to get uncomfortable for me, and He used that to get my attention. We cannot worship God fully, and worship anything else at the same time, whether it be ourselves, or some component of our life. I feel like I've gone round and round with this topic, but it continues to be presented to me, so I have to think that God is really wanting me to get this one. And if I benefit from this repetition, I am assuming that perhaps any of you reading this may as well..
I don't want to sound redundant, but we people today, and (back in the time of Isaiah as well) all seem to have thick heads...and repetition seems to get through to us.
I want to wrap this up simply by making the comment that any place we choose to rest our head and hearts in, other than God, is darkness. So if I choose to rest my head in complacency and "take a break from learning" than I am taking a break from God. He provides peace even in the times of learning, and I am finding that. So if I think I can have more peace by avoiding His lessons, then I am wrong. God knows my needs. He knows when I am tired...and He offers me strength when I feel weak. He knows it all, for He has felt it all. So just as He corrects me, He also refreshes me, and that is where I will find complete peace.

The Joy of Today

I've spent a lot of time in my life focusing mainly on the "joy in the future." But what about the joy of today? Joy is different from "feeling happy." Joy runs deep, and joy comes from the Lord. Happy is a circumstantial thing, and usually our circumstances change moment to moment.

It's like this: A house is built on a foundation. Those bricks are laid and the cement is poured, the foundation is always the same. The paint on the outside of the house can be changed, the decor of the house can change, even the people living in the house can change, but the foundation, when built properly, never changes. It's always the same.

When our joy is built upon Christ, and we know that His existence in our life never changes, then as the circumstances around us change, our foundational hope and joy does not change.

We have a clear conscience that we are doing all we can do to make our joy foundational, and as we abide in Him, we can rest assured, our joy will be supplied. Attitude is a choice. Smiling is a choice. Joy, is provided. That's the difference. We cannot choose to be joyful in Christ if the foundation has not been laid that way. We can however at any moment say the Lord of All, that we need Him, and we want to start over how our lives have been built up to this point. I think that is what many of us do when we come to the saving knowledge of Christ. We recognize the mess were in, see the pain that plagues our every move, and the unrest that settles within our souls, and we see our need for Him. His joy. His peace. His foundation.

My joy for today is not there because my life is roses all the time. In fact, if you look at most of our lives out there, we are all living in some sort of muck, or issue. But even in the muck, there can be joy. I may not always like what takes place on any given day, but I can choose a smile, choose and attitude that reflects what I know to be true about Christ, and pray that His joy will overtake me. And guess what? It does.

It's by His strength that joy exists in my life...or even can exist. The choice for a smile, or a good attitude are fine, but they will fade when done in ones strength. Just because we have deep-rooted joy, we do not always have to walk around smiling like clowns. We can say, even though it's raining, I have joy in Christ. And the difference is in how we are able to face our problems, have prospective in our pain, and joy when it doesn't make sense.

I am not always the best example of this however, but I think I'm on the right track at least. I always look to Paul in the Bible for a better example, you want to see joy in pain? Read his story about singing praises to the Lord while being chained in prison. That is deep rooted joy.

I am not afraid any more of what might happen (most days) because I see that regardless, He supplies me with my most basic needs, and supplies me with the joy I need to overcome the sadness that the enemy loves to have me get lost in.

Joy is having perspective, even in the midst of trial. And as always, I am but a work in progress, but any progress at all means that I am not standing still. And the only time the enemy catches you is when you are completely still in your walk.

So I continue to walk forward in the strength of Christ, seeking His joy for each day, and knowing all the while that whatever I ask for in His name, (within the boundaries of His will) will be given to me. I think an understanding of His will can be described as: seeking Him with all I do, say, and think. And I think, seeking eternal joy in His power, would be something He would be pleased by? So I continue on in that journey. Seeking that. Praying for that. I may have to take it one day at a time, perhaps hours at a time, but I know how to put one foot in front of the other when I am prayerfully considering each step.

So in joy I can walk forward in this day, despite the rain, despite feelings of being lonely, despite the aches and pains of life. Joy can be present. And perhaps, a smile. :)

The Process

I have spent a great deal of time learning lately. And by lately I mean over the past couple of year since the Lord really has taken me over heart and soul. ( for which I am thankful)
But the process by which it takes to grow an individual does not happen all at once, nor is it easy. Most of what has grown me has been by the way of painful circumstances, and it's only by His strength that I come thus far. I did a bit of processing with my mom and sisters over the weekend, having been at a conference designed to encourage women spiritually...
This conference caused me reflect on all that I've been through, and truly all that God has been teaching me, through His creative ways of revealing my sin to me, I am now starting to understand why the things of my past had to change...and I'm so thankful they did.
WHY He does things, as He's doing them, rarely makes sense to me in the midst of it, but hindsight is 20/20 so they say, and it's true.
So now I'd say that my overwhelming feeling I have is thankfulness. Thankfulness that I am no longer who I once was, and thankfulness that if He is who He says He is, He's never really done with me. Never done growing, showing, revealing and refining. I don't think painful circumstances must always be present for growth, but I can see why it was necessary for me to go through the junk I did now, because truly, no other thing would have got my attention. I think God gave me much grace in the beginning as just started to call to me, but as I turned my nose up at Him, (and many others) I believe the methods He used were needed.
God does not like pride. God does not like self-sufficiency. God does not like it when a person thinks they are fine w/o Him. He made them for Him. I do understand that this is a hard concept to grasp, and as we are are very independent people, I can relate to anyone who thinks that idea is crazy. I've spent a lot of time in that place of thought. But as I have found, when I am operating under the understanding of this, (living my life to serve Him, keeping Him always in my reasons for doing what I'm doing) my life has been so much more full. I need a lot less, because I desire a lot less.
I am not tooting my own horn here, because it's only by grace any of this came to me...but I am recognizing the work He's done on me, and how thankful I am for it. For now, I have joy, peace and all kinds of other good things in my life that were just not possible before.
My glass was always 1/2 empty. And my life was never good enough. I always needed just a little bit more, and I was always confident the next thing would satisfy me.
Now, I see that satisfaction in today, right now, and just as it is. My life still is not quite what I wish it were, simply because I was created to long for heaven, and only there will I truly feel complete. (But He's helped me to be thankful for today) and as long as I live each day for Him, prayerfully considering my daily in's and outs, I know my days will be the best that they can be.
My fears come and go, but I know where to turn when they come, and anger takes over at times, but I now have the tools to make it fizzle.
Each day, I feel I learn something that I should perhaps work on, and on the days I'm rendering my thoughts fully to Him, He shows me how...(sometimes through pain) but the next day I promise you, I emerge stronger.
So why am I telling you all this? Mainly to praise His name for what He's capable of doing. My state of self before could be described as dead. My state now, alive.
The two could not be any more opposite, and even I sometimes cannot fathom the deadness I lived in prior to His grabbing ahold of my heart.
Dead is this: Full of self. Cold. Empty. Alone. Depressed. Angry. Unable to see beyond today. Unable to be uplifted. Not thankful. Wanting More. Dissatisfied. And Hopeless.
Alive is this: Lifted. Color in your face. Hopeful. Peaceful. Joyful. Thankful. Good Thoughts. Content. Brightness in eyes. Swiftness in your step. Readiness in your heart. Appreciating for all He is, and what He has done. A recognition that it is ONLY by grace you are here. Not by your own works...and an understanding of how BIG HE is, and how small we are.
So I ask you, not challenge you, but simply to cause you to think...which are you?
Obviously, we all have bad days, but day to day, which one are you?
There are days, (I'm not going to lie) that I feel quite dead. But when that feeling hits, I have to examine my heart once again, and ask Him to reveal to me why this deadness is there...
And usually, I know before I ask, but He always confirms it to me.
Don't be comfortable with being dead. It's cold and lonely. In Him there is life, abundant life, and that is the best place for any soul to rest.
I pray for that to always be where I sit, and I pray that you friend, will sit there too.

Sovereign

What first comes to mind when you hear the words..."God is sovereign?" Well, for me they used to be quite scary words. Which ultimately revealed that I truly had a lack of trust in God, a lack of faith in His plans for me, (regarding me) and that fear was still bigger than God.
God's timing is so perfect. I just have to get that out there. Let me tell you why I want to scream that from the rooftops today...
As I sat under some great teaching once again in my Bible study class, I was hit by what I am learning in Isaiah and how absolutely relevant it's turning out to be for my life, in this exact phase of my life, in this exact moment of what I'm learning, and how all of this parallels with my hearts emotions. (Emotions only God truly knows I have)
So last week, as I really wrestled with all my fears, and the greatness of my fear came to a head, and for the first time I began to examine my fears for what they truly are: a lack of trust, and a lack of faith. Wouldn't you know it, but today, the speaking was on faith. Go figure!
This is what I learned, that fear, and faith are completely incompatible. Faith is this: Believing God, and then acting on it. (in life, word and deed) Basically, it's living like you believe that what God says is true. And God is bigger than anything I fear. He tells me this: Isaiah 7:13 "I am the only one you are to fear.." and if God is absolutely trustworthy, then I truly have nothing to fear. Mainly because of this, the truth that nothing, absolutely nothing can touch me unless it's let into my life by the loving hands of the Father, and it's carefully sifted through His hands that hold me tight. There is no fear in His loving hands. There is no fear of what He lets come my way because I know, that I know, that I know, that He is sovereign.
Good to know isn't it? Well, I've heard it all my life, that "God is in control.." and I've said it with great conviction I might add that this is a good thing. And it is. But unless I BELIEVE that it's a good thing that He is in control...then I'm living a lie.
And, ultimately, I'm living in fear. And let me tell you friends, fear has been a big struggle for me!
Let me say this another way, If God is my rock, then that's all I need! That's all I should need..
And yet somehow I've been living with the idea that somehow, the world, or myself might be able to offer me some security stronger than what God has to offer me. So, I kept my mace handy, knew just where to find my husbands hunting gun, and I had the Dr. on speed dial just in case something went wrong in my plan. ( I do know how to shoot) :) And So I lived, in my fear. Not very reassuring is it?
Until this past week, when I noticed the cracks begin to surface and the darkness that lay beneath the surface of my skin was starting to show to others around me. I was living in deep, dark, black fear. And now that I know how fear and faith directly contradict each other, I see why my walk with the Lord felt a little heavier than normal. I was still trusting in myself more than God, and I was lack much in the faith of Christ. I knew I had His grace, His forgiveness, His guidance, and help, and still, I knew I was missing something. I was. I was missing the trust in who He said to me that He was, is and always will be....SOVEREIGN.
So I mentioned before, that His timing is perfect...don't you think this is a little ironic... that this weekend, I am getting ready to attend a conference called..."Women of Faith." And today, as I filled out the notes to Bible study, this was my answer to one of my questions regarding fear..
"that I cannot be a woman of faith, if I cannot give up being fearful." That's when it hit me, "Oh, how "coincidental" that I'm going to a conference entitled, "women of faith."
SO, who else out there feels convinced of His message for me today?????
God is good. God is gracious. God is my rock in the place I can stand to demolish fear. God is trustworthy. And I am learning to have faith in all He is, and in all He says.
I'll say it again...what a journey, what a ride...and I know, there's more to come.

What If..

You know how that goes. "what if...such and such happens..." And for me, usually it's "what if this goes wrong...or that, or even something worse..." I always tend to go to the worst possible scenario. I wish it was not this way, but worry often plagues my mind much more than I am willing to admit, and when worry is there, so is fear, and whats bad about that, is this...

When I am worrying and being fearful, and I am not trusting God and His plans for me, that He will give me discernment when something is bad enough that I need to act.

Women I think have a terrible time with fear, mostly for our families, and "what ifs" are endless and we worry over all the possibilities of trauma that could hit our lives, shake up our worlds and take away our happiness. If you are a woman anywhere who has a connection to children in any way, there is going to be fear in your heart regarding them, because they are so meaningful to you. Isn't is just like the enemy to take something good, and turn it around into evil?

It's not that men do not worry, but I do think most men are far to practical to spend time worrying about the things that bog us as women down. My husband and I often reflect on the differences between he and I, how I always take things to worst possible place before I even know anything about anything.

And as a result, my peace is stolen from me, and I allow thoughts that distract me from Christ to take over my mind, and if I think on them long enough, I can in fact become quite anxious...

The enemy feeds our minds with things that "make so much sense" within that "what if" scenario and this is where our minds are taken captive.

God is good. He is our gentle shepherd we are told. He leads us, He guides us, He protects us. He makes our way known to us...and we are safe with Him. When I run away with my fear of "what if" I am not trusting my Shepherd to provide for me, to give me the discernment that He gives when action needs to be taken when things truly are bad.

As I talked with my mother in law this morning, she gave me some wise advice that I thought I should pass onto you all...to turn our "what ifs" into, "WHAT IS." Do you know what she meant by that? To line our fear up with the word of God, to pray through our fear, giving that fear over to the Lord every time it enters our mind, and suddenly, our "what if" turns into "what is." We are reassured...and our peace returns because we have now handed what is always out of control, back into the hands of the Father who cares for us and our needs.

He knows what to do with my fear. He takes it, and replaces it with peace. He provides me with Godly council, a discerning heart, and eyes that have the ability to see what really is. Rational returns, and fear diminishes greatly. It's not to say that the enemy might not throw that fear in my face (with a slightly different angle) later that day, but now I know what to look for, and how to handle it. The fact that God compares us to sheep is not really all that complimenting. Sheep are stupid. Quite stupid. They fall on the backs and they can't get up. But, the reason we are called sheep is so that truly recognize our need for our shepherd. I'm OK with being a sheep. I am. Because I know, in the end, I know nothing in comparison to what He knows...and I like to know that someone who knows it all, is in charge. Not me.

The other side of this is that when I am so wrapped up in my fear, I'm missing the calling of service the Lord would have for me...and that is why the enemy loves to distract me with fear.

If I am wrapped up in the things I fear ...I can't truly be ministering to the people He places in my path because I'm too preoccupied by my own discomfort, problems and pain.

As I have mentioned before, and what I have learned this year through the trials of my pregnancy, my comfort matters little. It used to matter everything to me! It used to be my number one focus, but slowly through my difficult circumstances, God has showed me, my peace comes from Him, He sufficient for my needs, and my needs to do not always mean, "perfectly comfortable."

He really has taken the time to teach me this, and I am humbled because when God speaks, it means something. It means everything. So I end with this: No more "what ifs." No more time should be wasted on fears. God wants my eyes and ears to be open and attentive to possible plans He has for me, ministry opportunities...chances to say, "here I am Lord, send me..."

And I will miss out on those if I am in fact so distracted by my own personal fear, discomfort and fear for my children.

So WHAT IS, is the truth of Christ. WHAT IS, is that He's guiding me, counseling me, and telling me things, if I'm listening. WHAT IS, is that I'm held, cared for and so are my children.

WHAT IS, is that HE is bigger than all that I fear.

If any of you reading this today can relate to my fear, and my "what ifs" then know this, not only are you held, you are so safe in His plans for you.

Unpacking Grace

If you have followed my journey here on this blog at all you will recognize that my need for grace (God's forgiveness, redemption) is great.

I have a continual recognition of my sin, my depravity to the core, and my need for Him, I used to say for "Him in my life" But now I see that He IS my life. There are things that I held from Him, wanting them to be my own, and so I could feel as though I still had a sense of control in certain areas. As of late, I have come to find, I have no control, and this is how I am most at peace because Christ controls me. I am not a robot, but I am ready for His beckon call. Or at least, I should be. Hence the point of my blog. Today, in my Bible study, I learned of Isaiah's cleansing, forgiveness and ultimately, God's call to him to serve. Isaiah, who recognized his sin, said this.."Woe is me! I am ruined." Isaiah 6:5

That SHOULD be our response when we recognize the sin that (whatever it is) that has seeped into our lives. Usually, we are blind to it until the moment the blinders come off and we finally SEE what it is we've been doing in our sinful nature, against God.

We are all sinful. This is true. Isaiah, although a great prophet, was still a sinner, and it does not tell us exactly what it is he is repenting of, but in my humble opinion, I think Isaiah simply saw himself as he really was, living in a self-focused state, doing his own thing. As you read on in the passage, Isaiah, after his confession, is cleansed by Jesus himself, and then what happens next is what most pertains to me right now...

A call is issued from the Lord, "Whom shall I sent? And who will go for us?" vs8b

What Isaiah does next, is what humbles me. BEFORE Isaiah even knows what the request is, he raises his hands and says..."Here I am, send me." vs9

Let me stop here. I want to say this in a way that all who read understand, usually, when God asks me to do something, I say, "whats the guidelines Lord...tell me about my job requirements?" And if I'm not totally comfortable with the call, I turn it down. I cannot tell you my sadness over this. Boy have I missed out on many opportunities to give God glory by my obedience. I like to do things for God, but I want the things I do to be comfortable, and usually, it's nice if they are noticed in a positive light by others so that I get some earthly praise too. Anyone relate?

Here's the deal though...God forgave me a long time before I ever saw my sin. God rescued me, His death on the cross was my atonement. Paid in full. And I, accept that grace, and say thanks, but I still hesitate to act for Him? Woe is me. I am ruined.

This really hit me this morning. I sobbed in my class. His grace is more than I can even fathom, and I have the audacity to say, "No thanks" to a job that He may have for me?

There is not one specific job I can tell you right now that I know without a doubt I turned down, but that is almost more scary because I've been a bit blinded to His callings then.

As a firm believer, and someone who claims Christ with "all she does" then how can I sit and say, "I'm not sure the job He wants me to do..."

So, as I repented, Kleenex in hand, I as though He lifted my chin today and said this..."It's by grace. Grace is what saves you. Grace is what forgives you. My grace is your remnant...and you have been set free." Isn't that a beautiful thing to hear? That message is there for all of us.

So now, my ears are attentive to His call, and with His strength, I can be quick to the draw to raise my hand, and say, "here I am, send me." I do not say these words lightly, because I know that when a person says anything to the Lord with an honest and real heart, He answers. I have a feeling I am going to get a job I may not necessarily have chosen for myself. I paused even as I typed that. Why? BECAUSE IT'S A LITTLE SCARY! But I would rather be that way, than living comfortably, but ignorant of His call. I've hesitated all my life! I've "paused" all my life! I think He asking me to listen now. So I am. Only by grace friends. Only by grace.

Just When I think I'm Getting Somewhere...

You know, I try not be too hard on myself, but there are many days where I just feel like I can't quit screwing up. Anyone with me? I want to do good. I want to respond the right way. But somehow, my sinful flesh wins, and I say something stupid, and do something unloving.
These are things usually that only those closest to me experience, like my children, my husband or close friends, and normally they are all quick to forgive, but why oh why can I not just stop before it happens?
Sometimes it's just a small thought that annoys me, and my annoyance shows, sometimes it's a word that cuts, and I say it without thinking, or even knowing what that word may do.
I am to the core, human. What would I be like without Christ? Where would I be? Somewhere at the bottom of a pit! I know the truth I have in Christ tells me I am forgiven...and so I step forward each day knowing this. I feel like, "what does it take to be righteous?" I read the word and hear the stories, the declarations of those who close to God's own heart, and I see the mistakes they made as well that are recorded in the Bible and as I read Matthew 12:36 I was so convicted
" But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned."
Nothing warm and fuzzy about that verse...but I had to consider myself as I read those words because examining ones-self, and being honest with one-self leads to repentance, and forgiveness, and then freedom in Christ. So that's what I want, need and honestly, have to have if I am to go onward in Christ each day with any sort of honesty. I am not be the woman who says one thing, and does another, or claims one thing to a certain group of people, and an entirely different thing to another group. Real. I must be real. So I do my best, and I ask the Lord to search me, and show me what is wrong within me. And, he does.
I blogged on that not too long ago if any of you read it, and I will have you know, God found something that was ugly, and He did in fact bring it to light, and now I'm dealing with it. Which is good.
There are many days that go by that I start to feel like "wow, I'm doing pretty good." And that is usually when the sin I am unaware of, needs to be revealed to me. I have a God who handles things in the best way possible. He deals with me in the kindest way, and the way that will best help me to learn my lessons well. I am thankful for that. I am thankful to have a patient husband who lets me roll through the learning process...and children who forgive me in my sinful impatience with them. Saying "no one is perfect" is not a good cop out. True as that statement is, it's not a free pass to sin, and get away with it. By no means. I am not perfect, and by the grace of God, He still gives me grace! But I need to learn day by day, how to give Him ALL of me, and I know this is where my peace will come from.
It does not matter if others think I'm a "pretty good person..." for in the kingdom of heaven, that does not matter..what matters is how I line up in the sight of God. I can never be "too righteous" or "too faithful" or "too kind..." it is by grace that I am saved. And I am good, kind, righteous and faithful because I know it is most honoring to the one who died for me when I am striving to be those things.
Do not be confused that I am suggesting that these things will make me in better standing with Christ, I am what I am. And saved me before I loved Him. He loved me first. I now have the change to live my life in such a way that brings glory and honor to the Father. And the burning desire to not stand still in my faith will not let me rest. Work can always be done on the human heart, and my work I mean, a constant surrender of self. It's not work though when you realize the peace that floods in with each surrender. Sometimes it's hard to give over anger, or judgements or sinful thoughts, but when I do, I am given something much better in return. His peace.
May my processing of self, cause you to consider, all He has done for you as well...we have but one life to honor Him with, and the time of course, is short. When I get to judgement day, I want Him to look at me and say, "well done." Not because I need mans approval, but because His is the only approval that matters. What a journey.

Boogers

This morning, I was laying in bed, my sweet little boy came into my room to "snuggle" with me. We were chatting, he and his sister were laying there having a nice little conversatoin, and then I see him stick something in his mouth. Suprised I said, "What did you eat?"

He looked at me as only boys can, grinned, giggled, and said, "MY BOOGER!!"

Oh my word.

Just when I thought I was teaching them something.

A NEW DAY

You know, today is a new day. Yesterday is gone, and today starts afresh. But one cannot have hope simply in new beginnings, something fresh, something different, something human emotions can create. What makes me feel good? Well, there are hosts of things that can pick up my spirits for a moment, things like a fresh cup of coffee...a new pair of shoes, painting my nails pink, and putting on fake eyelashes. (I know, I know....)

But really truly...when we are in a tough place in life, the old feelings of being down always return before too long and then we are left there wondering, how in the world can we get out of our slump? So in the past two years that I have come to know God in a more personal way, I have had a lot of trial. I am not completely connecting the two, but it does seem like I've been a constant state of being stretched, and "encouraged" to grow. Now, I have one of two choices here, I can either get mad, slump off, ignore God and tell Him I'm tired of all the emotional/physical work that He's been asking me to do, (which trust me, I've considered) Or, I can embrace what's ahead, fears and all, and ask Him to give me what I need. Seems as though I've chosen the later option but with great hesitation. Why the hesitation? I wish it wasn't there...but if I'm honest, I am hesitating because I know that it's more work. But, like anything, you must take the first step before you realize how to take the second. You have to run one mile, before you can run two, and I've sort of been running up to mile marker two day after day, and then turning around and running home. Well I'm sick of the same scenery every day, and I'm sick of constantly retracing my steps. Anyone else feel the same way? You may not recognize that this is what's happening, but when every day the old emotions from yesterday return, and the same problems get strapped on your back, then this is exactly what your doing, and what I'm doing.

Why can't I just snap out of it??? I keep asking myself...

But there is not amount of "snapping out if it" that will get me out of my human state of emotion...only God can. I wrote this in my prayer journal this morning...

" I have no reason to go on but for you, for without you, I have nothing. THIS is the truth I now understand, that all I have is you." - me

Well let me unpack that before you all call 911 because I'm sounding so depressed. ALL my life I've lived for a lot of different reasons, lately it's been my kids, and my husband, of course running fit in there, and some other small things that held my attention. Those things, tended to come first. I know they did, God knew they did, and so, I began this journey of unpacking some heavy stuff to get to the bottom of my mess. I'm there I think. I think I've moved out all the boxes and I sort of feel as though I am standing in the doorway of a now empty room. Why is it empty...because God's cleared it all out of what used to fill my life. My old joys, my old comforts, my old strongholds...there all out there, sitting in the hallway so I can see them more plainly...and you know what I see? Stuff. Stuff in comparison to God. I know that sounds intense being that one of the boxes is labeled "children." But truly, although I DO consider them my greatest gift along with my husband, there are still outside of what's MOST important. GOD.

Am I starting to make a little more sense now? I am to me...

But I've been a long road of trial and things that used to matter are fading into the background. My children are SO amazing...my husband, is a beautiful gift...but they are not God. No one is God but God, and no one can be as important as God, except GOD.

That's what it all boils down too...I know God forgives me for placing things before Him, for worshiping the gifts he's given me more than He...

But all last year as I sat and begged Him for a certain gift, I DID begin to worship that gift, and once He finally gave it to me, this trial began. And so I've weathered storm after storm, wondering, questioning, begging, and finally surrendering. I feel really small. I feel really good though.

I wrote this at the end of my prayer journal...

" I am not my own. This not my home, and peace can only be found in YOU God."- me

What I mean by that seems obvious, but let me say this, when a place is not your home, the stuff in that place will never fulfill you like the Creator. My Creator is my only true source of hope and what I need most now, peace.

When a soul has peace, life can pass from day to day, and the foundation stays firm...the scenery changes, the stuff changes, but the soul in peace remains. When I remain steadfast in you O God, I am whole.

What a journey I am on. It's really quite incredible. I had no idea what the Christian life would hold for me, and I'm still unaware of all He wants for me, and with me...but I guess I've learned something for real now. He's all I've got. He's all I need, and He's all I should want.

For someone who's said, "my kids always come first..." that's quite a statement. I'm standing in Holy reverent fear, because I know the importance of learning this lesson well. But I know God loves me so, and He has kept after me because He wants me to love Him back as I was created to.

So I guess that today is new day. I guess, I'm starting over in a way. And I'm really unsure of what to do or where to go from here...other than knowing that I just have to put one trusting step forward in front of the other. Here I go.

Do you need hope?

OK...so today has been an exceptionally hard day for me. I know the end to my pain is in sight, and I am thankful for the child that awaits for me at the end, but in the last leg of this race, I'm exhausted, fatigued, and just plain ready to give up. Much like in a marathon where the runner asks themselves, "why is this so hard for me? why can't I run strong, or look strong like all the other runners around me? Why is it that it's MY leg that's going bad, not the person's next to me...and why Oh why did I sign up for this race?" Now, I am not asking "why am I where I am at..." because I know that. But I am asking, "why is it so hard for me..." and of course, one cannot ask that question without following it up with thoughts of "why isn't God making it better?" Or, "is God mad at me."

Today I learned this: God does not get mad at His children as humans do. Human anger is flawed. Sometimes it's justified, but usually, it's out of our own selfishness that we act irrationally, and anger rises up in us. As a Mom, my most angering moments are because of my children doing things that stir up, "How dare they?" feelings inside of me, and the anger surfaces.

God's gentle correction is not placed upon us in the form of suffering because He is mean, and sometimes, it's just because we happen to be living in a fallen world that some of the bad stuff that happens to us and sometimes, our suffering is as of a result of bad choices. As in the case of the people described in the 5Th chapter of Isaiah, who's hearts where hard, they disregarded God with all their words and actions, and they, ignited His just wrath because they disowned their Creator. For the believer who seeks His will for their lives, He handles things differently. What happened to the people as a result of their ignorance of God and their need for their Creator, bad things happened to get their attention...God will not stand for blatent disregaurd, and it was difficult for Him because this was His "chosen" people...one would think, they of all people should know better right?

Our world, my own heart, forgets how bad I need God. Until pain hits. Then, I remember...and I come running to Him. I don't think every painful thing in a person's life is as of result of human sin....don't hear that. But it can be. When everything you thought was stable, has come crashing in around you, and you are left asking why? First, know God loves you more than you will ever know. Secondly, know that God is just, meaning is doesn't screw up and He's perfect. Thirdly, sometimes pain comes in the form of the Master Gardner pruning His vines. Whenever something gets cuts back, it grows back stronger. Cruel you say? No. When we are seeking His best for our lives, we are never cut back too far that we cannot grow back, truly.

I am in that right now. I'm not claiming for certain that God is "pruning" me back for some big growth spurt, but when I'm in the pain I'm in right now, it's impossible for me to do life all on my own. I HAVE to turn to my Gardner, even if I am sometimes asking Him "why?" I always know He's my best solution. He's yours too. When we are examining our hearts, when we are honest with ourselves..(and don't waste your time not being honest with yourself) you will know that there are places in our lives that do need work. Because no one is perfect! We always a work in progress...or at least I am. There is always some form of selfishness, pride or greed that manifests itself in my being, and God does not like that stuff. The level of severity in which it manifests itself ebbs and flows, and the intensity in which I let it take it's hold me depends on who I'm relying upon. (God or myself) And trust me, when we are in sin, we will find all kinds of ways to justify it's being there, and why it should remain, and obviously, how we are "not really that bad." (Which only causes us to be comfortable in our sin, for a time that is)

I am so there! Now, when we consider the ways in which God gets our attention, we think, "How unfair!" But as I mentioned already, God's wrath is not as we think. And we also need to remember, for the believer, the sold out, repentant believer, there is a promise of wrath fulfilled on the cross. He already took ALL of God's wrath that was justly meant for us. But we did not get that wrath. Jesus did....talk about grace. All He asks, is that we honestly seek Him, devotedly serve Him, and offer Him our hearts. And it's a done deal. Then we are constantly growing, constantly looking more like Him, and constantly doing the work He has planned for us.

I know. It does seems like a big job. But with God, we are strong.

Now, back the pruning illustration...when tending to grapes, the Gardner must prune, or the grapes will never grow big, and flourish from year to year...so it is with us as believers. If we stay the same, we will stay the same ministry wise as well. In order to grow big, strong, and useful for Christ, we have to experience change, and sometimes, change can be painful. Sometimes not...but most often then not, we face painful circumstances, and we learn from those, and as we learn, we grow. Don't be discouraged my friend as I have been today.... He loves us so. He died for us! He gave us His best, and promises His best for us. Forgive me for sounding like a broken record...but if I need to hear it over and over, I'm guessing you do too...We are not abandoned, and when we repent of our sin (and by repent, I mean turn, and change our sinful deeds in our hearts, minds and actions) we will feel His love, even in the pruning, even in the pain. How many of you need to hear that today? How many of you are in pain today? How many of you feel as though you might just break from the weight of the pressure that has caused you to bend in ways you did not think were possible? Well, your not alone, and I'm guess I'm not either...

Let us not be as the people of Judah, who hardened their hearts to the point that no amount of pruning caused them to look to God. Let us not be as the ones Isaiah compared numerous times to Sodom and Gomorrah. Their fate was not good. Let us turn our eyes from ourselves...from our pain, and ask God, what is you want me to see in this? And move forward in that. No, it's not easy. Trust me, I'm right there with you. I'm feeling pretty pruned right now. I think all my limbs are gone, and I'm not exactly sure where to go from here...but I do know this...God loves me. He gave me His best, and He is growing me stronger through my pain. How do I know this with such certainty? Because God never fails. So, take heart friends. He never fails, and you will never be abandoned. That is the message of hope in pain.

Asking The Tough Questions

Today, as I read a devotional at random, it asked me to examine myself, my heart and ask myself some tough questions about my life's circumstances...and how I am handling them. Ironically, I am in a bit of a hard place in my life, and doing self-examination, was not first priority on my list. Survival sort of was topping my to-do list yesterday and today. (I will spare you all my details, but know that God will provide for me)

But regardless, here I sat with this question of self examination, and part of me got a little mad at God for even placing this devotional in my path because I felt like maybe, just maybe He was asking too much of me. Turns out He never does that. And so I began to pray, "Lord, if there is any unclean ways in my heart, please show me." OK...let me warn you...if you pray this prayer with an honest and sincere heart, HE WILL ANSWER YOU. And then let the examination begin.

I found a few things right away that stuck out like a sore thumb, things like, constantly focusing on my own problems, forgetting that others have them too...and also, wanting things my way.

I know those are normal human thoughts, and responses to life's issues, but really, their is no real room for that type of emotion in my life, because what that is, is selfishness. Bummer.

I thought I was starting to do better with that stuff. Turns out, when we conquer an issue one way, chances are, the enemy just comes at you from another angle. Which is why, we are told to be on our guard! They come at us like thieves in the night, and the rug has been pulled from under us before we even know what happened. We are sinful at the core, and at much as we seek Him, we can never be TOO much on our guard for evil that creeps and longs to destroy our peace and our ministry.

So I ask you today my friends...has the enemy crept in in any way? Have you allowed him even the smallest of footholds? It happens before we know it, and once it's there, it's hard to admit it.

What do we do then? What do we say? How do we protect ourselves? The word of God is one place to start...seeping ourselves in it, never becoming complacent with our routine study of His words...and constantly examining our motives. Not what you are doing so much as why you are doing what you are doing. Also if you feel a curl of your lip, or a angry moment in your heart, ask yourself "why?" Not just "why is it there" but "how did it get there?" And the answer to the last question is usually because we are either distracted by our own pain, or we just simply let our guard down because we felt as though "we were doing OK."

Friends, let us never assume that "we are doing OK." For in that assumption, we are allowing a prideful thought to creep in, that perhaps, we are strong. I am not saying, "don't ever have a good day..." I'm saying, be on your guard. Be mindful of your thoughts, your actions and your attitudes, and see if there is any wrong way within them.

"Search me Oh God and know my heart, Try me! And know my anxieties..And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me to life everlasting." Psalms 139:23,24

I ask you to simply pray this prayer today, and see, as I did, if there is anything that has taken us off guard...if not, rejoice! And if so, repent, and move forward into life everlasting.

Just Because it's Bad..

Does not mean God is bad. That is something I have been learning lately...mainly throughout my pregnancy, and all that I have been through with it. It's hard to not want to tell God He's screwing your life up and your confused as to what the heck He's doing...and I've found my own mind wandering there so many times throughout these past 7 months of challenges I've faced. I've never really had this much trial in my life at one point, and at yet, I've never been more certain of His love, and had such an understanding of the grace I've been given that I do not deserve. So it's interesting to me that those two things have gone hand in hand...the pain/recognition of His love. Which of course, has prompted me to write what I'm writing today, knowing, chances are, I'm not alone in my thinking/pain/frustrations. God has been the same since day one. He was perfect then, He is perfect now, His motives are perfect for towards me, His desires for me are perfect in regards to what is best for me, and He will never force me through painful things, simply because He wants to. If you, or I go through painful times, it is truly a way for Him to draw us close to Him. He uses things that happen in a sinful, fallen and natural world, to draw us to Him, and as we draw close to Christ in that time of need, and in the process, we become more full than before we went through the pain. It's not say that if you never have had anything negative in your life, that you are not close to God, you are just one of those whom the Lord has not asked to walk a road of pain, and that in His choice, His choosing, because He is sovereign, He knows all, and His plan is best. We should not be tempted to get upset when others have "perfect lives" when ours are less that great, I heard it said once this way, "when we are having a painful time in our life, we have merely been enrolled for a short time in God's school of pain." And let me unpack that for you because on the surface that statement sounds terrible! :) God can teach us so much when we are in times of pain because in times of pain, we are in need. And when we are in need, we are searching for solutions, cures and possible ways out of our pain....God uses that searching heart to then sit them down, show them area's in their life that are perhaps weak or lacking compared to how they could be. As we learn, we grow. We grow stronger in our faith, we grow stronger in the strength of Christ, and ironically, we gain more peace for our circumstances, even if they haven't changed much since we first sought out the Lord...

We cannot determine that "He does not care" simply because He does not wave His wand, and fix our lives in that very moment. There are many situations throughout scripture that He offers solutions that do not necessarily end the person's pain instantaneously. As we cry out to Him in our anguish, in our destitute state, we begin to do something that we most likely did not do before the pain hit us, we pray like crazy, we seek Him, and we recognize our need for Him.

I have recognized my need for Him throughout these past difficult months...and I am emerging stronger, more satisfied, and feeling more thankful then before this whole thing started.

I had much I was not thankful for before my trial began, and I had much I missed about God before my trial began. And I'm sure, I've only begun to learn all that I can learn from Him, and of Him. Something tells me that none of us will have a completely pain free life. Some of our pain is through painful choices we've made, but God will not hold grudges, He merely uses those times to show you His love for you. Some pain is by accidents, some pain is disease, some pain is unexplainable. But however the form pain takes in our lives, it's a opportunity to turn our eyes to Him and ask Him.."Lord, what am I supposed to do???"

When was the last time you asked Him that? For me, lately, it's constantly...but that most certainly was not always the case. But what is so amazingly packed into all of this for me, is that not only have I recognized my need for Him above all other things, I've also recognized that what He did for me, (on the cross and everywhere in between) was not something HE had to do. He face unimaginable pain for me, for you, and He didn't have to. He hung there by choice. He stood there and was beaten, ridiculed, mocked and crucified for me, for you in His own free will.

Wow huh? When was the last time you willingly put yourself through something painful for the good of someone else? And I'm not talking about taking the smaller piece of pizza so your brother could have more. (although that was kind of you) :)

Because after we have this knowledge base of understanding His free gift of compassion for us, we have a little more understanding when He desires to teach us things...and a little harder time blaming Him for things when we aren't happy. This is a very hard concept to consider for me at times, especially being that I'm in a season of trial as we speak...but in that I know that I must find peace in Him, for if I look elsewhere...it just won't cut it, and I will be left empty in moments. Words of man, gifts of man, do make a person feel better for a time, but just as "get well soon" flowers wilt, and "I hope you feel betters" of another fade as that soul leaves your presence...so it is as we turn to the things of man to heal. (Obviously not to discredit doctors, they are miracle workers in their own sense) God heals wounds that man cannot see. God heals wounds that are too deep for doctors, and God does this as He kindly, lovingly puts the balm of His salvation, love and truth on your life wounds and then wraps you up gently in His loving arms, with promises to hold you, and of course, to never let go. And my friends, God's word is God's word. He does not lie to us. He only speaks words of truth. SO as you sit there, perhaps in some pain and trial, consider this..."You will keep in perfect peace Him whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.." Isaiah 26:3

So friends, walk forward. Ask Him. Seek Him..reach your desperate, shaking hands out to the only one who can hold onto them forever. He will not let go. You will not ever be stranded. And your pain, although difficult, will be held by Him as well.

Go in His peace through this day.

Happy Birthday Sister

To those of you who don't know, I have a little sister. And TODAY is her birthday. Let me tell you a little bit about her. She is SO special to me. She has been my buddy from the get-go, and being that we are only two years apart, we did a lot together growing up. We are very different, and yet, very the same. She is strong. She is brave. She is my children's hero for obvious reasons and she beautiful.

There is so much I wish I could tell you about our life together but I would need a couple years to say it all. But from the very beginning, even as little girls running in the fields together (we grew up in the country) I knew, she knew, we were blessed to have one another. God only gives you so many siblings, and I am blessed to have two amazing sisters.

Although life has taken us different paths and places, home is where the heart is, and so we can always meet back "home" together and be the sisters we love to be.

Age doesn't seem to matter, the giggles, the secretes and the love remains. We serve a mighty God who knows just what He is doing. And He knew what He was doing when He put my little sister in my life. SO, Sister, I love you. I pray today is a blessed day for you, and I hope you feel so loved.

"FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU, DECLARES THE LORD, PLANS TO PROSPER AND NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU A HOPE AND FUTURE.." Jeremiah 29:11

Listen to everything falls