A NEW DAY

You know, today is a new day. Yesterday is gone, and today starts afresh. But one cannot have hope simply in new beginnings, something fresh, something different, something human emotions can create. What makes me feel good? Well, there are hosts of things that can pick up my spirits for a moment, things like a fresh cup of coffee...a new pair of shoes, painting my nails pink, and putting on fake eyelashes. (I know, I know....)

But really truly...when we are in a tough place in life, the old feelings of being down always return before too long and then we are left there wondering, how in the world can we get out of our slump? So in the past two years that I have come to know God in a more personal way, I have had a lot of trial. I am not completely connecting the two, but it does seem like I've been a constant state of being stretched, and "encouraged" to grow. Now, I have one of two choices here, I can either get mad, slump off, ignore God and tell Him I'm tired of all the emotional/physical work that He's been asking me to do, (which trust me, I've considered) Or, I can embrace what's ahead, fears and all, and ask Him to give me what I need. Seems as though I've chosen the later option but with great hesitation. Why the hesitation? I wish it wasn't there...but if I'm honest, I am hesitating because I know that it's more work. But, like anything, you must take the first step before you realize how to take the second. You have to run one mile, before you can run two, and I've sort of been running up to mile marker two day after day, and then turning around and running home. Well I'm sick of the same scenery every day, and I'm sick of constantly retracing my steps. Anyone else feel the same way? You may not recognize that this is what's happening, but when every day the old emotions from yesterday return, and the same problems get strapped on your back, then this is exactly what your doing, and what I'm doing.

Why can't I just snap out of it??? I keep asking myself...

But there is not amount of "snapping out if it" that will get me out of my human state of emotion...only God can. I wrote this in my prayer journal this morning...

" I have no reason to go on but for you, for without you, I have nothing. THIS is the truth I now understand, that all I have is you." - me

Well let me unpack that before you all call 911 because I'm sounding so depressed. ALL my life I've lived for a lot of different reasons, lately it's been my kids, and my husband, of course running fit in there, and some other small things that held my attention. Those things, tended to come first. I know they did, God knew they did, and so, I began this journey of unpacking some heavy stuff to get to the bottom of my mess. I'm there I think. I think I've moved out all the boxes and I sort of feel as though I am standing in the doorway of a now empty room. Why is it empty...because God's cleared it all out of what used to fill my life. My old joys, my old comforts, my old strongholds...there all out there, sitting in the hallway so I can see them more plainly...and you know what I see? Stuff. Stuff in comparison to God. I know that sounds intense being that one of the boxes is labeled "children." But truly, although I DO consider them my greatest gift along with my husband, there are still outside of what's MOST important. GOD.

Am I starting to make a little more sense now? I am to me...

But I've been a long road of trial and things that used to matter are fading into the background. My children are SO amazing...my husband, is a beautiful gift...but they are not God. No one is God but God, and no one can be as important as God, except GOD.

That's what it all boils down too...I know God forgives me for placing things before Him, for worshiping the gifts he's given me more than He...

But all last year as I sat and begged Him for a certain gift, I DID begin to worship that gift, and once He finally gave it to me, this trial began. And so I've weathered storm after storm, wondering, questioning, begging, and finally surrendering. I feel really small. I feel really good though.

I wrote this at the end of my prayer journal...

" I am not my own. This not my home, and peace can only be found in YOU God."- me

What I mean by that seems obvious, but let me say this, when a place is not your home, the stuff in that place will never fulfill you like the Creator. My Creator is my only true source of hope and what I need most now, peace.

When a soul has peace, life can pass from day to day, and the foundation stays firm...the scenery changes, the stuff changes, but the soul in peace remains. When I remain steadfast in you O God, I am whole.

What a journey I am on. It's really quite incredible. I had no idea what the Christian life would hold for me, and I'm still unaware of all He wants for me, and with me...but I guess I've learned something for real now. He's all I've got. He's all I need, and He's all I should want.

For someone who's said, "my kids always come first..." that's quite a statement. I'm standing in Holy reverent fear, because I know the importance of learning this lesson well. But I know God loves me so, and He has kept after me because He wants me to love Him back as I was created to.

So I guess that today is new day. I guess, I'm starting over in a way. And I'm really unsure of what to do or where to go from here...other than knowing that I just have to put one trusting step forward in front of the other. Here I go.