Boogers

This morning, I was laying in bed, my sweet little boy came into my room to "snuggle" with me. We were chatting, he and his sister were laying there having a nice little conversatoin, and then I see him stick something in his mouth. Suprised I said, "What did you eat?"

He looked at me as only boys can, grinned, giggled, and said, "MY BOOGER!!"

Oh my word.

Just when I thought I was teaching them something.

A NEW DAY

You know, today is a new day. Yesterday is gone, and today starts afresh. But one cannot have hope simply in new beginnings, something fresh, something different, something human emotions can create. What makes me feel good? Well, there are hosts of things that can pick up my spirits for a moment, things like a fresh cup of coffee...a new pair of shoes, painting my nails pink, and putting on fake eyelashes. (I know, I know....)

But really truly...when we are in a tough place in life, the old feelings of being down always return before too long and then we are left there wondering, how in the world can we get out of our slump? So in the past two years that I have come to know God in a more personal way, I have had a lot of trial. I am not completely connecting the two, but it does seem like I've been a constant state of being stretched, and "encouraged" to grow. Now, I have one of two choices here, I can either get mad, slump off, ignore God and tell Him I'm tired of all the emotional/physical work that He's been asking me to do, (which trust me, I've considered) Or, I can embrace what's ahead, fears and all, and ask Him to give me what I need. Seems as though I've chosen the later option but with great hesitation. Why the hesitation? I wish it wasn't there...but if I'm honest, I am hesitating because I know that it's more work. But, like anything, you must take the first step before you realize how to take the second. You have to run one mile, before you can run two, and I've sort of been running up to mile marker two day after day, and then turning around and running home. Well I'm sick of the same scenery every day, and I'm sick of constantly retracing my steps. Anyone else feel the same way? You may not recognize that this is what's happening, but when every day the old emotions from yesterday return, and the same problems get strapped on your back, then this is exactly what your doing, and what I'm doing.

Why can't I just snap out of it??? I keep asking myself...

But there is not amount of "snapping out if it" that will get me out of my human state of emotion...only God can. I wrote this in my prayer journal this morning...

" I have no reason to go on but for you, for without you, I have nothing. THIS is the truth I now understand, that all I have is you." - me

Well let me unpack that before you all call 911 because I'm sounding so depressed. ALL my life I've lived for a lot of different reasons, lately it's been my kids, and my husband, of course running fit in there, and some other small things that held my attention. Those things, tended to come first. I know they did, God knew they did, and so, I began this journey of unpacking some heavy stuff to get to the bottom of my mess. I'm there I think. I think I've moved out all the boxes and I sort of feel as though I am standing in the doorway of a now empty room. Why is it empty...because God's cleared it all out of what used to fill my life. My old joys, my old comforts, my old strongholds...there all out there, sitting in the hallway so I can see them more plainly...and you know what I see? Stuff. Stuff in comparison to God. I know that sounds intense being that one of the boxes is labeled "children." But truly, although I DO consider them my greatest gift along with my husband, there are still outside of what's MOST important. GOD.

Am I starting to make a little more sense now? I am to me...

But I've been a long road of trial and things that used to matter are fading into the background. My children are SO amazing...my husband, is a beautiful gift...but they are not God. No one is God but God, and no one can be as important as God, except GOD.

That's what it all boils down too...I know God forgives me for placing things before Him, for worshiping the gifts he's given me more than He...

But all last year as I sat and begged Him for a certain gift, I DID begin to worship that gift, and once He finally gave it to me, this trial began. And so I've weathered storm after storm, wondering, questioning, begging, and finally surrendering. I feel really small. I feel really good though.

I wrote this at the end of my prayer journal...

" I am not my own. This not my home, and peace can only be found in YOU God."- me

What I mean by that seems obvious, but let me say this, when a place is not your home, the stuff in that place will never fulfill you like the Creator. My Creator is my only true source of hope and what I need most now, peace.

When a soul has peace, life can pass from day to day, and the foundation stays firm...the scenery changes, the stuff changes, but the soul in peace remains. When I remain steadfast in you O God, I am whole.

What a journey I am on. It's really quite incredible. I had no idea what the Christian life would hold for me, and I'm still unaware of all He wants for me, and with me...but I guess I've learned something for real now. He's all I've got. He's all I need, and He's all I should want.

For someone who's said, "my kids always come first..." that's quite a statement. I'm standing in Holy reverent fear, because I know the importance of learning this lesson well. But I know God loves me so, and He has kept after me because He wants me to love Him back as I was created to.

So I guess that today is new day. I guess, I'm starting over in a way. And I'm really unsure of what to do or where to go from here...other than knowing that I just have to put one trusting step forward in front of the other. Here I go.

Do you need hope?

OK...so today has been an exceptionally hard day for me. I know the end to my pain is in sight, and I am thankful for the child that awaits for me at the end, but in the last leg of this race, I'm exhausted, fatigued, and just plain ready to give up. Much like in a marathon where the runner asks themselves, "why is this so hard for me? why can't I run strong, or look strong like all the other runners around me? Why is it that it's MY leg that's going bad, not the person's next to me...and why Oh why did I sign up for this race?" Now, I am not asking "why am I where I am at..." because I know that. But I am asking, "why is it so hard for me..." and of course, one cannot ask that question without following it up with thoughts of "why isn't God making it better?" Or, "is God mad at me."

Today I learned this: God does not get mad at His children as humans do. Human anger is flawed. Sometimes it's justified, but usually, it's out of our own selfishness that we act irrationally, and anger rises up in us. As a Mom, my most angering moments are because of my children doing things that stir up, "How dare they?" feelings inside of me, and the anger surfaces.

God's gentle correction is not placed upon us in the form of suffering because He is mean, and sometimes, it's just because we happen to be living in a fallen world that some of the bad stuff that happens to us and sometimes, our suffering is as of a result of bad choices. As in the case of the people described in the 5Th chapter of Isaiah, who's hearts where hard, they disregarded God with all their words and actions, and they, ignited His just wrath because they disowned their Creator. For the believer who seeks His will for their lives, He handles things differently. What happened to the people as a result of their ignorance of God and their need for their Creator, bad things happened to get their attention...God will not stand for blatent disregaurd, and it was difficult for Him because this was His "chosen" people...one would think, they of all people should know better right?

Our world, my own heart, forgets how bad I need God. Until pain hits. Then, I remember...and I come running to Him. I don't think every painful thing in a person's life is as of result of human sin....don't hear that. But it can be. When everything you thought was stable, has come crashing in around you, and you are left asking why? First, know God loves you more than you will ever know. Secondly, know that God is just, meaning is doesn't screw up and He's perfect. Thirdly, sometimes pain comes in the form of the Master Gardner pruning His vines. Whenever something gets cuts back, it grows back stronger. Cruel you say? No. When we are seeking His best for our lives, we are never cut back too far that we cannot grow back, truly.

I am in that right now. I'm not claiming for certain that God is "pruning" me back for some big growth spurt, but when I'm in the pain I'm in right now, it's impossible for me to do life all on my own. I HAVE to turn to my Gardner, even if I am sometimes asking Him "why?" I always know He's my best solution. He's yours too. When we are examining our hearts, when we are honest with ourselves..(and don't waste your time not being honest with yourself) you will know that there are places in our lives that do need work. Because no one is perfect! We always a work in progress...or at least I am. There is always some form of selfishness, pride or greed that manifests itself in my being, and God does not like that stuff. The level of severity in which it manifests itself ebbs and flows, and the intensity in which I let it take it's hold me depends on who I'm relying upon. (God or myself) And trust me, when we are in sin, we will find all kinds of ways to justify it's being there, and why it should remain, and obviously, how we are "not really that bad." (Which only causes us to be comfortable in our sin, for a time that is)

I am so there! Now, when we consider the ways in which God gets our attention, we think, "How unfair!" But as I mentioned already, God's wrath is not as we think. And we also need to remember, for the believer, the sold out, repentant believer, there is a promise of wrath fulfilled on the cross. He already took ALL of God's wrath that was justly meant for us. But we did not get that wrath. Jesus did....talk about grace. All He asks, is that we honestly seek Him, devotedly serve Him, and offer Him our hearts. And it's a done deal. Then we are constantly growing, constantly looking more like Him, and constantly doing the work He has planned for us.

I know. It does seems like a big job. But with God, we are strong.

Now, back the pruning illustration...when tending to grapes, the Gardner must prune, or the grapes will never grow big, and flourish from year to year...so it is with us as believers. If we stay the same, we will stay the same ministry wise as well. In order to grow big, strong, and useful for Christ, we have to experience change, and sometimes, change can be painful. Sometimes not...but most often then not, we face painful circumstances, and we learn from those, and as we learn, we grow. Don't be discouraged my friend as I have been today.... He loves us so. He died for us! He gave us His best, and promises His best for us. Forgive me for sounding like a broken record...but if I need to hear it over and over, I'm guessing you do too...We are not abandoned, and when we repent of our sin (and by repent, I mean turn, and change our sinful deeds in our hearts, minds and actions) we will feel His love, even in the pruning, even in the pain. How many of you need to hear that today? How many of you are in pain today? How many of you feel as though you might just break from the weight of the pressure that has caused you to bend in ways you did not think were possible? Well, your not alone, and I'm guess I'm not either...

Let us not be as the people of Judah, who hardened their hearts to the point that no amount of pruning caused them to look to God. Let us not be as the ones Isaiah compared numerous times to Sodom and Gomorrah. Their fate was not good. Let us turn our eyes from ourselves...from our pain, and ask God, what is you want me to see in this? And move forward in that. No, it's not easy. Trust me, I'm right there with you. I'm feeling pretty pruned right now. I think all my limbs are gone, and I'm not exactly sure where to go from here...but I do know this...God loves me. He gave me His best, and He is growing me stronger through my pain. How do I know this with such certainty? Because God never fails. So, take heart friends. He never fails, and you will never be abandoned. That is the message of hope in pain.

Asking The Tough Questions

Today, as I read a devotional at random, it asked me to examine myself, my heart and ask myself some tough questions about my life's circumstances...and how I am handling them. Ironically, I am in a bit of a hard place in my life, and doing self-examination, was not first priority on my list. Survival sort of was topping my to-do list yesterday and today. (I will spare you all my details, but know that God will provide for me)

But regardless, here I sat with this question of self examination, and part of me got a little mad at God for even placing this devotional in my path because I felt like maybe, just maybe He was asking too much of me. Turns out He never does that. And so I began to pray, "Lord, if there is any unclean ways in my heart, please show me." OK...let me warn you...if you pray this prayer with an honest and sincere heart, HE WILL ANSWER YOU. And then let the examination begin.

I found a few things right away that stuck out like a sore thumb, things like, constantly focusing on my own problems, forgetting that others have them too...and also, wanting things my way.

I know those are normal human thoughts, and responses to life's issues, but really, their is no real room for that type of emotion in my life, because what that is, is selfishness. Bummer.

I thought I was starting to do better with that stuff. Turns out, when we conquer an issue one way, chances are, the enemy just comes at you from another angle. Which is why, we are told to be on our guard! They come at us like thieves in the night, and the rug has been pulled from under us before we even know what happened. We are sinful at the core, and at much as we seek Him, we can never be TOO much on our guard for evil that creeps and longs to destroy our peace and our ministry.

So I ask you today my friends...has the enemy crept in in any way? Have you allowed him even the smallest of footholds? It happens before we know it, and once it's there, it's hard to admit it.

What do we do then? What do we say? How do we protect ourselves? The word of God is one place to start...seeping ourselves in it, never becoming complacent with our routine study of His words...and constantly examining our motives. Not what you are doing so much as why you are doing what you are doing. Also if you feel a curl of your lip, or a angry moment in your heart, ask yourself "why?" Not just "why is it there" but "how did it get there?" And the answer to the last question is usually because we are either distracted by our own pain, or we just simply let our guard down because we felt as though "we were doing OK."

Friends, let us never assume that "we are doing OK." For in that assumption, we are allowing a prideful thought to creep in, that perhaps, we are strong. I am not saying, "don't ever have a good day..." I'm saying, be on your guard. Be mindful of your thoughts, your actions and your attitudes, and see if there is any wrong way within them.

"Search me Oh God and know my heart, Try me! And know my anxieties..And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me to life everlasting." Psalms 139:23,24

I ask you to simply pray this prayer today, and see, as I did, if there is anything that has taken us off guard...if not, rejoice! And if so, repent, and move forward into life everlasting.

Just Because it's Bad..

Does not mean God is bad. That is something I have been learning lately...mainly throughout my pregnancy, and all that I have been through with it. It's hard to not want to tell God He's screwing your life up and your confused as to what the heck He's doing...and I've found my own mind wandering there so many times throughout these past 7 months of challenges I've faced. I've never really had this much trial in my life at one point, and at yet, I've never been more certain of His love, and had such an understanding of the grace I've been given that I do not deserve. So it's interesting to me that those two things have gone hand in hand...the pain/recognition of His love. Which of course, has prompted me to write what I'm writing today, knowing, chances are, I'm not alone in my thinking/pain/frustrations. God has been the same since day one. He was perfect then, He is perfect now, His motives are perfect for towards me, His desires for me are perfect in regards to what is best for me, and He will never force me through painful things, simply because He wants to. If you, or I go through painful times, it is truly a way for Him to draw us close to Him. He uses things that happen in a sinful, fallen and natural world, to draw us to Him, and as we draw close to Christ in that time of need, and in the process, we become more full than before we went through the pain. It's not say that if you never have had anything negative in your life, that you are not close to God, you are just one of those whom the Lord has not asked to walk a road of pain, and that in His choice, His choosing, because He is sovereign, He knows all, and His plan is best. We should not be tempted to get upset when others have "perfect lives" when ours are less that great, I heard it said once this way, "when we are having a painful time in our life, we have merely been enrolled for a short time in God's school of pain." And let me unpack that for you because on the surface that statement sounds terrible! :) God can teach us so much when we are in times of pain because in times of pain, we are in need. And when we are in need, we are searching for solutions, cures and possible ways out of our pain....God uses that searching heart to then sit them down, show them area's in their life that are perhaps weak or lacking compared to how they could be. As we learn, we grow. We grow stronger in our faith, we grow stronger in the strength of Christ, and ironically, we gain more peace for our circumstances, even if they haven't changed much since we first sought out the Lord...

We cannot determine that "He does not care" simply because He does not wave His wand, and fix our lives in that very moment. There are many situations throughout scripture that He offers solutions that do not necessarily end the person's pain instantaneously. As we cry out to Him in our anguish, in our destitute state, we begin to do something that we most likely did not do before the pain hit us, we pray like crazy, we seek Him, and we recognize our need for Him.

I have recognized my need for Him throughout these past difficult months...and I am emerging stronger, more satisfied, and feeling more thankful then before this whole thing started.

I had much I was not thankful for before my trial began, and I had much I missed about God before my trial began. And I'm sure, I've only begun to learn all that I can learn from Him, and of Him. Something tells me that none of us will have a completely pain free life. Some of our pain is through painful choices we've made, but God will not hold grudges, He merely uses those times to show you His love for you. Some pain is by accidents, some pain is disease, some pain is unexplainable. But however the form pain takes in our lives, it's a opportunity to turn our eyes to Him and ask Him.."Lord, what am I supposed to do???"

When was the last time you asked Him that? For me, lately, it's constantly...but that most certainly was not always the case. But what is so amazingly packed into all of this for me, is that not only have I recognized my need for Him above all other things, I've also recognized that what He did for me, (on the cross and everywhere in between) was not something HE had to do. He face unimaginable pain for me, for you, and He didn't have to. He hung there by choice. He stood there and was beaten, ridiculed, mocked and crucified for me, for you in His own free will.

Wow huh? When was the last time you willingly put yourself through something painful for the good of someone else? And I'm not talking about taking the smaller piece of pizza so your brother could have more. (although that was kind of you) :)

Because after we have this knowledge base of understanding His free gift of compassion for us, we have a little more understanding when He desires to teach us things...and a little harder time blaming Him for things when we aren't happy. This is a very hard concept to consider for me at times, especially being that I'm in a season of trial as we speak...but in that I know that I must find peace in Him, for if I look elsewhere...it just won't cut it, and I will be left empty in moments. Words of man, gifts of man, do make a person feel better for a time, but just as "get well soon" flowers wilt, and "I hope you feel betters" of another fade as that soul leaves your presence...so it is as we turn to the things of man to heal. (Obviously not to discredit doctors, they are miracle workers in their own sense) God heals wounds that man cannot see. God heals wounds that are too deep for doctors, and God does this as He kindly, lovingly puts the balm of His salvation, love and truth on your life wounds and then wraps you up gently in His loving arms, with promises to hold you, and of course, to never let go. And my friends, God's word is God's word. He does not lie to us. He only speaks words of truth. SO as you sit there, perhaps in some pain and trial, consider this..."You will keep in perfect peace Him whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.." Isaiah 26:3

So friends, walk forward. Ask Him. Seek Him..reach your desperate, shaking hands out to the only one who can hold onto them forever. He will not let go. You will not ever be stranded. And your pain, although difficult, will be held by Him as well.

Go in His peace through this day.

Happy Birthday Sister

To those of you who don't know, I have a little sister. And TODAY is her birthday. Let me tell you a little bit about her. She is SO special to me. She has been my buddy from the get-go, and being that we are only two years apart, we did a lot together growing up. We are very different, and yet, very the same. She is strong. She is brave. She is my children's hero for obvious reasons and she beautiful.

There is so much I wish I could tell you about our life together but I would need a couple years to say it all. But from the very beginning, even as little girls running in the fields together (we grew up in the country) I knew, she knew, we were blessed to have one another. God only gives you so many siblings, and I am blessed to have two amazing sisters.

Although life has taken us different paths and places, home is where the heart is, and so we can always meet back "home" together and be the sisters we love to be.

Age doesn't seem to matter, the giggles, the secretes and the love remains. We serve a mighty God who knows just what He is doing. And He knew what He was doing when He put my little sister in my life. SO, Sister, I love you. I pray today is a blessed day for you, and I hope you feel so loved.

"FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU, DECLARES THE LORD, PLANS TO PROSPER AND NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU A HOPE AND FUTURE.." Jeremiah 29:11

Listen to everything falls