What do I need?

I made a different sort of list today, different that the "get my life organized" schedule that I made yesterday.

As I sat down at the Word today, I have to admit, I felt overwhelmed. A hundred people came to mind that I wanted to pray for, and I found myself wanting to just say an "over-haul" prayer to blanket all those I know who are in need. I have to think Pastors get very over-whelmed...they have many more needs to cover in prayer than I do...and their lives are ministry.

How do they not get discouraged? How do they look at each day and say, "this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it?" How can I say this?

Is that what you say at the start of each day? Sadly, my thoughts tend to be much different than those lines...and I want that to be different. Don't get me wrong, I am not discontent with my life, I really couldn't want for more than what God has given me, so why do our hearts long for something that feels just out of reach? A happiness that could be..."if only this..." would happen. What-ever that "this" is for you...but seriously friends...why do we continue to feel a sense of "needing something..." when we have so much? It's like when you have a craving for a certain food, but you can't even really put your finger on what that food is...and therefore, it's impossible to fill the craving. That's how I feel...and I'm left wondering why?

I have the Lord, I seek Him daily, and yet this desire for "something" remains. I want to pray for more people...I want to reach more people...I want to do big things for God...and I want to feel constantly peaceful, in all and every situation. Most days, I don't feel depressed, or down, but I do feel like I have the constant urge to move, do and improve things. That may be a good thing, or I may just be wearing myself out for nothing. I'm not quite sure...

But before I lose you by my ramblings, let me make this thought known as well:

Could it be, that I, and that you, feel this way because the end is near and we know we are almost home but not quite there? I'm starting to think that's it for me. I almost hesitate as I type these thoughts, because it feels a little crazy to say things like "people get ready, Jesus is coming..." but I also think He wants us to feel this way..

To feel like we can't quite hang our hat on the wall and say, "there. that's perfect." I think we are to long for the unreachable because we are not yet there! Part of me, isn't ready for heaven, and let me explain why I say that, it just feels like there is so much to do still here, and I want to do things like see my children grow up and get married...and there are people who are yet lost that I couldn't even fathom them not being ready when He comes. It just feels like I keep saying the to Lord.."Not yet, there so much left here.." And maybe it will be another 100 years or so, and all of my wondering will be soothed...

And yet, there is this other part of me that says, "Lord! Come now! I want to be where I am meant to be for eternity." I suppose this is why we do not know the day or time, but when it seems like evil is succeeding all around us, and the world is morphing into this culture where very little reflects it's Creator anymore, I start to feel overwhelmed.

But this is where I must again turn back to the truth of Christ...

"You hear O Lord the desire of the afflicted, your encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." Psalm 10:17,18

Throughout that whole Psalm, David is asking the Lord, "why?" all these wicked people are prospering and why it feels as though the poor and weary are forgotten...and I have to believe, many of us have echoed David's prayers. It's the thought that wicked are prospering, and the poor and needy are forgotten that make me want to ask Him to just return today.

All have forgotten you! Is a cry that I've heard in many stories though out the Word, and I hear my own heart say that at times to Him as well. But not all have forgotten Him, and who I am that I think I know better than Christ, that either He should come now, or wait till I'm ready.

So I mentioned earlier that I made a different list...here is what my list was in regards to all I just discussed:

*I Want to Hear God

*Be More Discerning to His words

*Applying His lessons to my life

*Not give into temptations

*Ignoring the lies of the enemy

*Not allowing discouragement to set in

*Knowing that one day, is only one day and not forever

The last one is the only one I feel I need to elaborate on. I feel that each day, I wake up with a mood, or a sense of what "kind of day it's going to be.." and I can either be instantly discouraged or encouraged by that thought. If that day happens to be one I'd rather just sleep though for whatever reason, to know, to pray, to ask for the knowledge and understanding of the Lord for that one day...knowing that tomorrow will be something totally different.

I guess the over-all theme is prospering in this life, in the strength of Christ, for the Glory of He whom I will spend my all of eternity with. And until we all go home, or He individually calls me home, then I will focus my existence on the list above. Knowing that is where my hope of the day will come from. Don't get me wrong, I have joys, and laughter in each day that is wonderful, and I thank God for the life He has given me...but the desire for heaven and perfect peace always looms. And until I'm there...and I feel what I've been longing for, I want to be the one whom God wants me to be, here...and now.

"I" Am the Problem

Yesterday, during church our Pastor made the comment that at some point in a believers life, we must come to the place where we are willing to admit that "we" are the problem in our life. I think that so many times we blame others, I am no exception. I took the stance most of my life that the reason my life was unhappy, unhealthy or not as I liked it to be, was because others where upsetting my perfect world. I was not the problem. They were!
I think I still do this in many ways...case and point.
My children and the chaos in my life. I called my husband in tears one day last week because "my life was falling apart." I know, a bit dramatic, but a was a pretty terrible day. The reason it was terrible was because I had lost all control with my children and it felt as though now, they were running the show. Particularly my three year old. My temper was lost, my cool was gone, and now I was at my wits end. My husband of course prayed for me, and I made it through the remainder of my day, hanging by a thread. SO, on Sunday as I sat there, listening to this sermon, on how we have forgotten about the Holy Spirit, and how we need to ask Him for the guidance in our lives for all we do, so and think, otherwise, chaos will erupt, and we grieve the Holy Spirit by trying to do it all on our own. I am so guilty of this.
Most days, I make it through, "barely." And cry for joy when my husband arrives home because now I have some help. A lot of days I would give myself this talk to "pull myself together" because seriously friends, there are people who have 10 kids, and they seem sane. I have two, (almost 3) and I'm loosing my mind...what gives?
Guidance and reliance. That is what is missing. I'm being miss-guided, by myself, and my reliance has been miss-placed. I'm hoping to shift, or rather, allow God to shift things back into their proper order...so that peaceful can be how I describe my days, rather than chaotic.
Now, I am also a realist, and I understand that I am raising a 2 and 3 year old...and they are crazy. But it need not put me over the edge (all the time) and I think this is an attainable reality, when I'm relying on the right person. Namely, the Holy Spirit...to guide me, direct me, and take me where I need to go with my children and supply me with what I need to give my children each day. I see now, that just maybe, "I am the problem." Just like in all the other times of my life, when things felt as though they were spinning out of control...I ended up finding out that there were things about "me" that needed to change...and as those things changed, my life got better. It has taken me some time to see these things, and as I am, it's becoming O so clear, that I must change first, in the strength of the Lord, and by the direction of the Holy Spirit. It will be my no power of my own that this change will occur...but by the power of the God I serve.
So, as He directs me, I've already begun to make these change...there is now a schedule..(gasp!) on my refrigerator door, and I have come up with some structured activities for the three of us to do together each day. It is what I've always wanted to do, but didn't think it was in my "personality" to do...well friends, I'm here to tell you that there are most likely many things that are not within the guidelines of our personalities to do, but God does not care about the guidelines of our personalities. He can work with anyone, in any way He chooses, and that may mean that some change has to take place within the guidelines of our "normals."
But change is not bad, especially change prompted by the Holy Spirit...and as we properly place our reliance in Him, we will see the peace replace the chaos.
I am re-evaluating much in my life, and I feel like I've been hiding under the guidelines of my "personality" way to long. I see that now.
SO I ask you...what could/should change in your normal, to allow God to create a better version of you? Each day, every single day, I realize, I am such a work in progress. Maybe I'm the only one, but if I'm not, and you see some things in your life that you are not particularly happy with, don't follow the next self help program to make it better...ask for the direction of the Holy Spirit and then trust that as He answers you, that God will give you the strength and the abilities to change what needs to change. God is a God of order...we know this. 6 days He worked, 1 He rested, and He created you and I in such a way that we need structure and order as well.
Lets ask Him today, what do I do Lord? Ask Him to show you, and trust me, He will!

Doing the Work

There is a certain job God has for each man. When He formed you, and I, He had in mind the things we would go through, the people we would impact and the jobs we would accomplish. Obviously, human desire, desires is to go it's own thing, and go it's own way, and many times, when we fall off "the path" God takes those failings, and uses those for good in our lives at some point as well. I do not fully understand the predestination/freewill concept, other than God is in complete control, knows all and sees all. And He foresees mistakes we make, and therefore, allows them, and it's in His plan that all of this may happen. I have a hard time looking at someone and saying "the painful thing that just happened to you was God's plan for you" but I can look at someone and say, "the painful thing that happened to you, God can use for good." Just like my sickness, or other pains I've dealt with in my life, as I look back, I DO see that they have worked out for my best in the end. Hard at the time, good in the end. Some things are natural, like death at the end of a long life, and somethings are unexpected. But either way, God can use them, and does. Which leads me back to the idea of what God has in store for each one of us. Why we were formed, why we deal with what we deal with, and how we can use that for His glory somewhere down the line. There are many scenarios where we the flesh walk into painful things, and bring upon ourselves more pain than necessary...for example:

Had I stayed away from some of the bad relationships I made in college, some of my painful memories of past would not exist, in the same way, God used those circumstances to shape me, mold me, and show me what "healthy" relationships look like now. And I am thankful for that, and knowing now that I've been through some of what I've been through, it will aid me in ministering to others now. Those who may have been through similar things, and are suffering because of it.

As I look at my life right now, all it's joys and sorrows, there is nothing I could or would change because I'm not sure what I would change. And what if I changed the wrong thing? SO instead, I rely on His wisdom to direct me, to lead me and show me, the place that I should go.

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." 1 Cor. 1:25

I am coming to the place where I am content to simply say, I know nothing, and what I do that seems like I have wisdom, may be only because God gave me a moment to display some of His words, using my mouth as the way of delivery. Do not put my name on those words if they sound good, put His name on them. In that I find peace.. because I now know it's not my strength that carries me, but His.

You know that feeling of when you are a child, and you sleep in so much peace because you know that your not in control? There is a sense of peace that comes with the knowledge that we are not in control of what happens in our lives...and as we rely on Christ, what needs to happen for our best, will. This does take a person willing to forfeit their plans and will for their own lives, but I lately I have had not had a hard time doing this because I recognize the nothingness that takes over my life when I think that I know best.

Get me out on my own for one moment, and me weakness will show. But, put me in the same place, as I rely on the strength of Christ, and the outcome is much different, as I soar on the wings of the eagle.

Let me wrap this up and bring my thoughts to a close, without Him I am nothing. And in Him, I can do whatever He asks me to do, because He will supply me what I need when I'm where I am at...and He will do this for you to my friend.

What you've gone through, God knows. Where you've come from, God knows. And where your going, yep, He knows that too. He will use it all to a much greater degree if you allow Him to take over, and lead you as only the Shepherd can. You are not your own, you were bought with the price of His death on the cross. We would all like to live at times as though we are our own unit, operating out of our wisdom and leadings so that the good that comes into our lives will be recognized as our own abilities that brought the into fruition...but that ideology will get us only far, and we will soon falter. His job for you can be great if we take what gifts He's given us, the things we've learned from mistakes in the past and use them to honor Him in our "right now." His job for us, is the way we minister to others in the places He's strategically placed us, you may think that you took that job in Seattle because you like Seattle and you had the right job requirements, but in God's world, you are there, because He put you there, and I'm sure if you are chasing after the things of God, and your eyes are opened to things of God, then you will soon see the world of ministry He has for you there.

This is your job: Listen to the leadings of God, watch where He wants you to go, and then go. Speak. Act. And then watch as He takes your obedience and grows good things from your ministry. It's pretty amazing to think that we are apart of His plan, because He has placed us, used us and ministered to others though us. We only need to do the work! Can you do that? Can I do that? The only way we can is be a reliance on Him, and constant white-knuckle grip on the Word of God...and yes, He will give you the strength and the desire to that too.. He is God! We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.

"Oh! I give so much!"

Today, I was reading again the story of the woman who gave 2 copper coins, and Jesus proclaimed that she gave more than the man who gave lots of money...

Now I'm not a financial person by nature, and this story hit a different chord for me. The area of giving of myself and my time. Particularly the time I give to my kids...because those are the ones I obviously give the most of time to at this phase of my life. And sometimes, (a lot of the time) I do it a little begrudgingly, mainly because "I'm tired.." and I can't fathom going an extra mile for little children who I think "won't remember it anyways." Bingo.

They probably won't remember it, chances are....but that is not the point I'm realizing now. Light bulbs went off everywhere in my brain as I read this passage again in the light of being a Mom.

It's not about how much you put in, but the quality of where my heart is when I'm doing the giving. SO it may be true, that I'm giving all my hours each day devoted to the children's well being and happiness. But if I'm doing it with a frown, them I'm giving nothing. Things equate differently in the economy of God, and I'm starting to realize my small offerings that I've been giving, and feeling ashamed.

I know that all mom's get tired...and all Mom's feel like that are worn thin by the time 10pm rolls around, and the children are sleeping, and the house has been cleaned, and now finally I can think about something we may want to do. Even the way I type that, I felt a sense of "poor me" and I realize even further, my desire to be recognized for "all the work I do..."

God wants my best. My children need a Mommy who is focused on giving God her best, because then they receive God's best for them as He works through me. All through the day as I was tired, I did pray that God would sustain me, but I forgot all about praying that I would offer Him good things, despite my exhaustion. So, I did all these nice things for my children in hopes that then I would receive the reward of peace and quiet later. I always find myself doing things in hopes that "they will nap well..." I think my actions/thoughts are normal, but why must everything result in a reward for me? Do I want the trumpets to sound and the crowds to cheer for me as I run in ragged at the end of the day from wearing myself out trying to do what I think will be "rewardable in heaven." I do not think that was the intent of God for our hearts as we "serve" Him. True, that I may be doing the same thing, but it all about "where the heart is" and not about what your actions say.

So I can tell that some reconstruction must be done on my heart in order to do what I'm called to do...God will not reward me for saying.."I'm just going to get through this because, hey! that's what Mom's do!"

True that any work that is long and hard can be tiresome, regardless of line of work, but when you offer your energy as a sacrifice to the Lord with a pure and honest heart, wanting to give God, and the world your very best, then that is where you will see the difference. Others will see it too. When I am doing things out of duty, then my joy is gone. My face is long, and I most likely look worn down to others. However, when we are doing things, in the strength of God, for the glory of God, with a pure heart, one can only assume that God is more pleased with that than the first description I gave.

It's freeing to know that God will give me what I need...and in the hours that I am wakeful, I have every opportunity to honor Him as the poor widow did as her 2 copper coins made a very small "clink" in the bottom of the offering plate.

I may not be able to offer God as much right now due to my health, but I can offer Him what I offer Him, with a pure heart...and I see the obvious difference now.

Perhaps there is an area of your life that feels much like how I described my approach to mothering was getting, and changes in your heart need to made, if that's the case, you can do as I am today, asking for forgiveness and praying for a change in my thinking as the day wears on and the fatigue sets in. It's not about how much we give, but how we give what we've got!

And trust me, your spouse, your employer and your children WILL see the difference, and you will feel the difference in your heart as this truth of Word sinks into our lives.

Looking Up

I had a bit of an interesting "dream" while hovering in between sleep and wakefulness this afternoon as I tried to catch up on my sleep missed from the night before.

I am not a dream interpreter, but this was what I saw:

A long tunnel hole, and a person standing at the bottom of it. It reminded me of a well...and I had the view looking up towards the sky, and I could see the sunlight ahead.

And of course, it made me think of my currents struggles, trials, and issues I've been through as I've walked the pregnancy road again. I am not un-thankful to be pregnant, but the chaos that pregnancy brings to my body and life is somewhat intense. This morning, as I "awoke" from another sleepless night, I was crying, knowing the long day I had in front of me without sleep once again...I told my husband that I feel like I've been struggling so long, I'm not sure what it feels like to not struggle. And when and if that day arrives...it will feel like heaven.

And this picture in my dream reminded me of one simple truth...when I have Christ in my life, there is always a light ahead. And I wonder...how many of you reading this, need to hear that message as well.

"this too shall pass..." is often what I whisper to myself as I struggle through a day, or moment. And as I pray, seek and strive to remain optimistic, and trusting in my Father as I go through these storms of life, the light ahead keeps me going. Of course, I am always looking for the "light" in each day, because sometimes the far light ahead just seems too far away. But regardless, I have the hope of the light that awaits and I am able to pick up my feet and take yet another step. I truly do not know why the Lord has asked me to deal with some of what I'm dealing with, but whatever the reason may be, He continues to inspire me with one foot in front of the other with a moment by moment dependence on the Father. Maybe that's why I am here in this place...to remember whats it's like to depend upon Him for my everything. But those are questions I'm sure I will have answered for me somewhere down the line...

But to hopefully relate to any of you who might be struggling as well, know this: There is a light ahead. And even though, we may feel as though we are down in a deep dark well, alone and left..we are not. As we reach for the light, help will come. The rope will be thrown down, and we will be pulled to safety as our cries are heard. So do not quit crying out...where there is light, there is life. So friends, take it from someones who's been down, there is light ahead, and God is our rescuer. Call out His name, and wait as He answers you in your distress.

Being Thankful

I was awake most of the night last night, due to a little one inside kicking, and running. It appears I have another runner in the family. :)

But as I awoke my with my 5 or so hours of sleep under my belt for that night, realizing I was going to have to call that "good" as my 2 year old was screaming for me. The clock blinked 6:20 and I arose. As I did though, I felt peace. I'm not sure why...normally when I have little sleep, I'm a wreck. But today, as I rolled from my "happy place" I found myself saying, "this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." Why? By the grace of God. And a thankfulness for the idea that peace can come in the storm...and goodness can come from trial...and that coffee no longer makes me throw up. :) (I had to throw that in there because it's true)

So, as I drank my cup of beloved coffee and opened up my Bible, to get my other source of caffeine...I realized, the difference is the peace of God. Not, the peace of man. And I also have sensed a shift in my perspective. As I talked with my Mom the other night, we just talked of how sometimes the situations does not change, but our perspectives can, and that in turn, changes everything.

It's not by our own power this happens though, it is of course because of Christ that this can happen in our lives and hearts. And this is why I am thankful. I may be tired, and out for the night early tonight, but I recognize that He is carrying me.

I always "know" He's holding me, helping me and carrying me through tough times, but believing in it is where the power the lies. If I don't believe that He actually will do something within me to help me, then I might miss the pearl of hope.

This is not a "sunshiny happy attitude" that I've got, this is a "I have not other way to live but through Him" and in that, He gives me peace and thankfulness for this day, even with the grimmest nights of sleep behind me.

I know it's a day by day dependence, and that's what keeps me coming back to Him each morning for more insight...more understanding...more encouragement. He truly is my strength for each day. The biggest difference has come from spending time with Him. I can say many things of how I need Him, love Him, and desire to be with Him...but until I actually open the Bible and read His words to my heart, then I am still missing so much.

And drinking coffee helps too. :)

SO, if this is true for me, it is also true for any of you. If you call upon His name, open His word, read His words to your hearts, you will be filled, fed and uplifted. Searching Him out in kinds of circumstances is your best bet for peace and hope, even in the storm.

And this of course, causes me to me to be so very thankful that I have the gift of searching out this great God, this source of all joy, peace and hope anytime, anywhere.

He's my SOS, my first choice, my in-between and the one who never fails. And the fact that I have the option of Him is amazing. That's why life with Christ is called a gift. Because it was freely given, when we did not deserve and we are offered it at always. Isn't that amazing?

Trying To Make It Better

It's been "that" kind of day. The one where your out on walk, and it starts to rain, you step in something wet with bare feet, only to find out it's pee. Your tired beyond belief and your children won't nap...yes. That kind of day.
As I felt my sickness creep into my body again, I decided to put my head down, continue life as normal, and get through my day. If only I could just get my kids down for a nap, all would be well. Nice try. An hour and 1/2 after we began the nap process, I give up on any hope of sleeping today, and just get up, (as I have been pulled from bed a 100 times since I first laid down an hour ago. And I started my complaining to myself.
This pregnancy is taking forever to be over with. I'm tired. I want coffee. I want wine. I want..I want..I want...
Sick of me yet? Well I'm sick of me too. I want out of me!
So, as I sat down to read the Bible today, it hit me, my desire is to end my "misery" my way...and fast! I want something quick and gratifying to make me feel better. That's what I always used to do when I had a bad day, I'd know I could go for a run, or have a late' or a glass of wine when my husband got home...
There was something "earthly" that could always cover up my problem for me for the time being, so that I could go on functioning again tomorrow. Right now, life is raw. There is nothing to season it with except with what's natural. The word of God, prayer, and a constant dependence on Him. In my heart, I know that His solutions to my pains are better than mine. Mine are usually expensive, quickly disintegrating and not what I really need.
"Rather...clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ..." Romans 13:14
What I can offer myself, is a band aid. The kind of band aid that will fall off as soon as I get wet. (meaning the start of a new day) What Jesus offers, is surgery. The kind that heals properly, and ends well. For He is a very successful surgeon.
I keep trying to make it better. I keep on doing my human best to take my pain away for a moment. But my way is not all that effective anyway, and a moment is truly all it lasts.
And I wonder...are any of you in the same boat as I am? Is there pain or trial in your life that is causing you to put a band aid over the top and call it "good?" Maybe you have 20 band aids stacked on top of each other because each day, the pain from yesterday still remains, so now you need double what you needed yesterday. What used to be one glass of wine, is now five, and what used to be 1 late' a day, is now three.
What are we doing to ourselves??? What are we trying to do?? Make ourselves feel as though we have no problems. Well this my friends, is our biggest problem. There is only one who can truly take those pains away...and His name is Almighty. We need to stop telling ourselves, fooling ourselves that we can make it better. We can't. And tomorrow when we awake, the pain will still be there, and the same old same old, will still be present, unless we ask for help. He will renew us. He will refresh us more than coffee, or a shower, or a nap, or a vacation ever will. We don't need a vacation from our problems...for when we return, there still there!! We need to allow the one true source of healing to do His Mighty work for us. Why? Why do we need to be healthy for real, rather than just pretending? Because of a few reasons. Pretending only hurts us in the long run. When we are in this place, we are unequipped to do His work...and pretending to do His work, with pretend strength, is us, trying to lie to the one who knows all.
I am not fooling anyone with my temporary fixes, and my earthly solutions. I say this to myself mostly, knowing that this truly is where my heart rests today, as I found myself dreaming of when life can go back to normal. But there is peace to be found right now. I don't have to wait until the baby comes, or until I feel better...peace is available to me right now. And, it's available to you too, we only need to ask, seek...and find.
I pray you and I both can do this today.

OVERTAKE ME!

Once again I am humbled. Just when I think I might be getting something, the Lord reveals to me my utter state of sin. I am not going to bash myself, for I know I am forgiven and in His grace, set free to start fresh, that is what I love so much about the faith we have in Christ.
But once I have realized the dirt, and I have asked Him to clean me, I realize how much farther I have to go.
"Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." Romans 12:3b

Whenever I start to feel as though "I'm doing good here.." I usually am about to realize my state of need once more...God never wants us to feel as though we are rising above our sins on our own, because He knows we cannot do this, and then, we are being "pridefully righteous."
I don't want that to be said of me.
Something that you see as a string that connects all things of a "righteous man" is a purity in his heart. If you read through the scriptures, it truly seems to matter little if you "act" good, if your heart is not good, God will know and see right through to that sin.
Acting is acting. It's not real. If I am not pure in my heart, then I am only acting purity and in that case, I'm a fraud. I desire to be clean inside and out, and that my words could be heard, and my actions could be seen no matter who I was in front of. No secretes, no gossip, no stored up frustrations towards another..just simple purity of heart.
That feels so clean, so innocent, and so righteous. And that is what we are called to be.
Impossible? On our own it is. On my own it is. Never will I achieve that place of lovely existence by trying harder...or working at it. The only way it will be even remotely possible for me to see my life rest in such a place, is by a daily reliance, dependence and existence in, through and on Christ.
My every step. My every breath. My every thought. I pray..."Lord, overtake me."
What it all boils down to, is sincerity of desire..
"Love, must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal but keep your spiritual fervour, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need, practice hospitality." Romans 12:9-13
Now, some of those things, we can do in our strength it would seem, but we would become burned out with in a matter of weeks or even days. It's just too hard to try and draw from human wells, to water God's lands.
If we are going to do what we need to do, with a sincere, pure and true heart, motivated by the things that motivate God, then we need to draw from His wells to quench the thirst of those who are in need, and for our own thirst.
I realize today, I'm thirstier than I thought. And I'm less equipped that I had hoped...I may desire purity of heart, but I'm far from pure. Only when Christ covers me, and overtakes me completely can I do what I need to do, how I need to do it.
It's not complicated...it's actually quite simple. We are weak. We are not capable to doing anything in our own power that will have kingdom value. So, we ask the Lord to take over all of us...to seep into every crack and crevasse of our existence and fill us up. FULL.
Then, when trials come, when people need help, when the phone rings and or the children cry, you will, I will, have what we need to do what we know we are being called to do.
I think we will all feel the difference, and those we minister to will feel the difference...and at the end of our days, we will not feel like a crust of dry bread, we will feel like a full, fresh loaf of bread. So take these thoughts into consideration as you go about your days, and ask the Lord if you are as you should be, or if something needs to change. I am doing this, for I am acutely aware of the change that needs to happen if I am to go on living for Him as I claim I do. My heart must match the rest of me. Overtake me Lord.

Everyday

As I found my time in the word just now, as the children lay asleep...I am struck by the fact that every day that I make the time for Jesus, he teaches me something amazing that I would have missed if I had not gone to His word that day...

He leads me down the path of understanding and shows the light for the way of righteousness and my heart longs for it even though my flesh fights the discipline of doing a study everyday.

"But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope." Galatians 5:5

Part of "eagerly awaiting" in my opinion means that we run towards whatever we can find that has His name on it! Anything that His fingers have touched is appealing to us, and all that speaks His truth is what sings to our souls! In short, we are in love!

Heaven (ie..eternity with Christ) is our ultimate fixation and living for Him on earth is a direct result of our love for Him.

Obviously, in this world there are many distractions. The lusts of this world long to pull our affections away from our eternal love and they do so quite persuasively.

That is why the every day time with Him is that much more important with each passing day.

"You were running a good race! Who cut in on you and kept your from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you!" Galatians 5:7,8

Obviously, the pressures were there in the days of Paul, only a few short years after Jesus left the earth, and they are unmistakeably evident in our day and age.

Everything buys for your attentions, bright flashing lights, and bells and whistles call for your eyes to wander from the truth, and they are much louder the less you are in the word.

This has been my experience, when you step away from His truths for even a day or two, the sounds of the flesh begin to ring in your ears in ways that they never used to.

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature!" Galatians 5:16

The sinful nature is what comes naturally to us as sinful people, its doing the things of the Spirit that take a little more work but in the end are far more gratifying.

An eternity with Christ is this:

"And the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold EVERYTHING he had and bought it." Matthew 13:45

Have you ever loved something so much that you would sell all you had to have it? Imagine that in ten-fold and we will not have even scratched the surface of the joy of heaven.

We think as humans that if we can have it all, (and by all I mean anything our flesh desires) we will have peace, joy and contentment...

Perhaps I sound like a broken record to some of you, preaching my source of peace, joy and contentment, but I cannot stop speaking of it until the day I am there!

The word tells me is so great I will sell all I have for it! There isn't anything on earth I want bad enough to sell all I have, except perhaps ensured safety for my children all their days, but I already know that they are safe in Christ so I will not fear that.

SO friends I ask you...do you agree? And if you do, will join me in the goal to meet with Christ daily so that we can become daily strengthened by Him and His truths? Without that daily strengthening, we will become weak, and when we are weak, we make choices the reflect our weakness rather than our strength in Christ. Don't worry about what happened yesterday, repent and move on in that repentance...and then today pick up the word, spend time in prayer, sing songs from your heart to His...proclaim your love to Him as He covers you with His love for you.

I wish the whole world could feel the love of Christ, and the only way it will is by the way it's people show His love to others, and encourage them as I pray I am doing for you who read this.

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6b

And the only way we will even have the desire to express that love, is by being in the presence of the giver of life..love..joy...peace..and contentment.

I hope I don't bore you readers of my constant talk of Him who created, but I can find no other topic that exceeds His importance. I am such a sinner myself it's my utter thankfulness for forgiveness that I speak out of. Every day I think..."How can He love me when I am such a sinful person?" But He does friends, and if He can love the likes of me, He will love you as well.

If nothing else, pick up your Bible just for today, and see what He might have for you. My guess is you will be shocked at His words to your heart. He loves you so!

The Marathon

I am sitting here having just finished a much needed time of prayer..and it hit me...as much as I know that I need to run to Jesus when things get bad, and when I'm all out of strength, I forget to. Or I choose not to, either way, I first try relying upon myself for strength before I remember, Oh yes, I have the Holy Spirit to call upon. I feel as though I have been running a marathon, and contrary to how running a marathon in real life asks you to rely on your own physical strength, emotional marathons are more successfully run, when we rely upon Christ. True that it may be our legs that our moving, but it's His strength that propels us, or this is how it should be if things are to work as they should. I find myself constantly so discouraged because "I can't keep my house clean, or my life always seems chaotic..." So today, I brought those things to the Lord, laid my fears at the foot of the cross and asked for help, really I asked for my savior to save me.

Those things might not be what stress you out and cause you to stumble at mile 10, but whatever the stumbling block may be, Jesus is the answer. Perhaps you think, "How silly to pray about house work..." but in my situation, my state of health has cause the slightest of jobs to feel like a mountain. And I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

There is nothing to small to bring to the foot of the cross...and Jesus will never scoff at your request when you come to Him broken and begging for a savior.

But I had the thought, why do I only go when I'm so worn out I can't hardly make it? Why don't I ask the at the very first sign of fatigue? Because somewhere in me lies the desire to do it myself and to conquer on my own. But friends, I'm here to tell you, when we try to do things this way, and conquer our battles (however big or small) on our own, we will fail. Look at any Psalm passage and surly you will find the writer crying out to God for help, and for saving. Why? Because David knew, that no battle was even worth going into if the Lord was not at his side...and friends, we are no different. Each day is an adventure. Each day is a battle. Each day has much work for us to accomplish for Christ, for our families and for others, and who are we to think that we are even partially equipped to do these things on our own? I used to think I could, but now I'm certain I cannot.

Life may be chaos. That's OK when I know I have Christ to carry me through, to supply me with what I need. We truly can do nothing apart from Christ and it's that complete dependence that makes our relationship with Him work. We cannot harbor within us the thought that we are "fine on our own" (either in action or thought) because that surly will be the day we fall.

I have fallen many many days before I realized just why I was falling down so much! I was walking in my own strength, cleaning in my own strength, parenting in my own strength, being a wife in my own strength, and yes, being sick in my own strength...

As this new understanding settled in my heart today I come to you my friends with sincerity of heart saying this: We need to stop doing things as though we do not need our Savior...it's disrespectful to the Father who made us, but it also makes our lives much less full than they could be if only we admitted our state of need.

Sometimes we do this without even meaning too, and sometimes we are prideful and say we are OK on our own...but regardless of the state of mind, it's that fact that it's happening.

I most certainly speak for myself when I say this, but as always I encourage all of you to learn from my many mistakes...and as your eyes fall upon these words from my heart to yours, may you find yourselves examining your own lives and hearts thoughts towards this subject. He is hope. He is our strength. He is our life. And anything less than life with Christ, is no life at all...and of course, when we ask for this help, this saving, we receive much more energy and strength than we would have ever had on our own. The marathon just got easier because now we have the sustenance we need to finish strong. And perhaps run beyond the 26.2! ( for those of you who don't run, that's the distance of a marathon)

I may be only on mile 15, but I can see ahead, and the next 10 miles seem much less intimidating now that I am running in His strength rather than my own. And I pray you too will see this as I do. God bless your run!!!

I Come First.

Well, that's what Ive been saying to God lately, and many others who are in my life. I may not be saying it with my words...but I'm saying it with my actions. Let me explain.
The Lord led me to the book of Haggai, I know, it's an interesting selection and I questioned Him on it as well, but quit my resisting when I came to this verse:
"You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why? declares the Lord Almighty...BECAUSE OF MY HOUSE, WHICH REMAINS IN RUIN while each of you is busy with own house." Haggai 1:9,10
I have made comments before on how I have struggled in my asking God, "why?" with my sickness, and all the other problems that accompany my pregnancies...and when the answer never came, I've gotten angry. At times, I've let some of that anger go, but some has remained. It's remained and been directed at those around me in ways I'm sure that they are not even aware of, and I tend to write it off on the sickness and say, "I can't help being mad, I'm sick!"
Oh but friends...I can help it.
And God is telling me this. I do not come first. This life is not about me.
You may think that I am being hard on myself, but I am not....let me explain why I am not...
Each of us has something we deal with, we are molded and shaped through those trials in our lives, and hopefully emerge on the other side a better person...we are learning to better work for the King and in dealing with our pain as He would desire, we grow, and learn and become more like the image of Christ. There may not be a literal church that the Lord has asked me to rebuild, but I have told in a few short words and actions, that my needs are going to come before His because I am sick, and fragile and have no extra energy for anything. Telling others I can't commit because of my situation, and being down-hearted towards those who are "up" because I can't believe how perfect their lives look compared to mine.
This sickness is not curse. It's not a "I'll show her" from God, but it is a wake up call to my own selfishness. In many ways I have told my family that I come first, even down to the baby inside me as I have used caffeine to wake me up, and sleeping meds to put me down, because that is what I needed!!! Not really thinking that much about what would be best for the life inside of me
You may think I'm being nit-picky towards myself, but I'm not...I'm finally being honest.
I feel bad for the attitudes in my heart and I begrudgingly do some of the things the Lord has asked me to do despite my sickness. I started to ask Him if had noticed how miserable I am down here? Of course He sees. He wants me to be well. And I will be some day soon...but in the meantime, when my trial remains, I must not put God's desires on the back-burner. I can't tell you how many times even in these blogs that I have said, "I want God's will, His best to be in my life..." and I do want that, but it might take moving myself over a bit to make room for that to happen! It's one thing to have nice words, but an entirely different thing to have actions that line up with that.
These people in Haggai, they were doing the same thing. This is what God said of them.."You earn wages only to put it in a purse with holes in it." vs.6b
I have been doing a bit of that myself. I blogged last time that there "was all kinds of goodness to be had in today.." and that my friends is only the beginning when I start to build His church first, and tend to mine later with the energy He supplies me with.
I don't take this is that God is angry with me, but He wants me to learn something! And I'm all ears, because I've literally been running on EMPTY for weeks now and as our Pastor described on Sunday, that is called "burn out..." and of the direct symptoms of this is a "loss of empathy" and I certainly have had that as of late. My husband came in from a run the other morning and was all excited about his good time. I, unable to be excited for him because of my miserable state of existence, hardly smiled as I said, "Good job. I'm going to bed now."
Friends, loss of empathy eats your joy.
Building your own church first eats your joy, your life and your reasons for living.
God will be giving you what you need when you put Him first. He who promised is faithful! And He will supply me, and you with all that you need when you tell Him that your needs are not nearly as important as His needs for you.
I know, I know....it feels like I'm always talking to you all about "giving stuff up.." but this is for real my friends...when He's in charge, things just work better. ALL things.
So to those I've said, "I come first too," I'm sorry. And to God above all, I say, "Please forgive me..." because I recognize my wretched state. I'm not sure why He wants me to build churches for Him, I'm not a very thankful worker. But I'm starting over...and I'm giving it all back, and I'm saying today, That HE comes first.

In the meantime..

So I recognize that my life has been a little upside down lately...and I find myself wishing for the coolness of fall and months to come because I know that this leg of my tiresome journey will be over with. I do not want to wish away days, especially precious time I have been given with my children, and the more time I spend wishing for tomorrow, the less time I spend enjoying today.

But it's the "enjoying" part that has been pretty difficult, I can try and remain positive, I can try and pray through all my hard moments with sickness, and the like, but actually enjoying the state I'm in right now has been hard.

I want to! But the phrase that came to mind for myself was this: Life is what happens while your busy making other plans.

I know this to be true...I miss SO much when I am planning for tomorrow rather than enjoying the many sweet moments of today...

And I consider all the other times in my life when I was wishing for something else while I was missing the moments of right now...I was always more discontent when that was my mindset...and I of course, missed much.

School for example, I was always waiting for the day when I was done, my engagement, my wedding, my honeymoon, my newly married life...always wishing for time to fly so that things could become "normal" again. Well my friends, I'm beginning to think that "normal" changes, and that the sooner I become accustomed to that, the more I will enjoy today!

I seem to have the certain idea in my mind of what the perfect life would look like, and the only way for me to achieve that is for time to pass! So I sit in today, wishing constantly that it were tomorrow.

I do not want to be like this anymore. The funny things my children say today, should not be missed while waiting for them to be a bit older so I can do "the things I want to do.." Not that I often wish their childhood away, but in my days of sickness, I've found myself wishing it more.

To make a long story short, I'm not sure where this idea falls in the realm of God and His desires for me, but He has given me today, and He tells me not to worry about tomorrow...so I can only conclude that He too would rather have me enjoying today than spending all my time dreaming of "when the baby comes and life can go back to normal..."

Because life is only to go be "this way" for today, and tomorrow, and tomorrow will most surly come, I will realize what I missed yesterday.

Perhaps my friends you may be on the same page as I, and if I cause you to think as I am thinking on these things, then something good came from my ponderings.

There is joy in today, regardless of what it looks like. We need only to find it.

That is not some "make you feel good mubo jumbo.." It's the truth of what exists in a life that is lived in it's fullness, for Christ, and Christ I can only imagine, would be pleased by my desires to enjoy what He has blessed me with in these very moments I am in right now.

Put more simply...Life is short. Too short to spend wishing for the goodness of tomorrow when there is all kinds of goodness to be had right now! SO lets quit saying, life will be better when I'm thinner, life will better if I can have a child, life will be better if my I meet a man/woman to marry, if my job gets better, if my children grow up, if had more money!!!! Friends, you fill in the blank for what your wishes for tomorrow are, but know this, today holds many blessings, and good things if only we stop wishing for what we do not have...yet. So, I hope you all have a good day TODAY!!!

Our Personal Harvest

"ASK THE LORD OF THE HARVEST, THEREFORE, TO SEND OUT WORKING INTO HIS FIELD." Matthew 9:38

This verse struck me this morning, and I was unable to move beyond it for quite some time, I thought, and sat on it, and pondered what that meant for me, and for others. Have I been asking the Lord of the Harvest? I always read that verse and focused mainly on the phrase above the one I shared with you, "The harvest is plenty but the workers are few" and that also is a powerful phrase, but the fact that He TELLS us to ask Him about this harvest gives us keys and direction to where we should go to find our harvest.

If you are a worker, and by worker I mean devoted to following Christ with all you do, then you, and I should be asking Him, "Lord, where is my harvest?"

And why do we do this? He tells us that too..

"Freely you have received, freely give!" Matthew 10: 8b

Because we received the knowledge of the truth, freely we should give it to others, but He does go on to warn us all throughout this chapter that there are those who will simply just reject us in this message. He warns us that we will be like "sheep among the wolves" in verse 16, but to not let that deter us from our work in our harvesting. He tells us we are going to be handed over to the council, flogged and imprisoned. (Now days, in some areas that does not seem that far off, and for some Christians is going to be their reality.) But we are not be scared of this friends, and it's not for shock values sake that I say these things, it's because I think so many of us (myself included) live and read words like this in such a way that "these type of things only happened in the Bible times" and friends, this is naive thinking on our part.

He Will and does supply our needs when we face such trials because, "But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it! At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of you Father speaking through you." -vs.19

This whole concept is something that I never would spend a lot of time thinking about because I was afraid of it...I did not want to even entertain the idea that my comfort might be disrupted for the sake of others. But friends, what are we here for? Why are we on earth? Jesus commissioned His disciples in this chapter with these words not because He wanted to depress them, but because He wanted them to know that they were there for bigger reasons than to simply live life to please themselves.

Now-a -days, I think most of us consider life in such a way that we are always striving to make life more comfortable for us...and our families. I am no exception!

However, my thoughts are starting to shift slightly because if I truly take this whole faith seriously and my callings seriously, then I should see my life and it's actions begin to change from what they are currently. Shifting more towards the area of getting the "word out there" and caring less of what I look like and sound like while doing it.

If I get distracted by the distractions of self while trying to "preach the gospel" then the message is not going to be portrayed in the way I was designed to portray it, and my personal Harvest ground will go on without growth, and without life.

Have you ever seen a field after the harvest? It's empty, tilled and barren. That's what it looks like before a harvest as well. But when a harvest is in full bloom, you cannot even hardly see the soil in which the harvest is growing from because there is so much growth!

So it made me ask myself this: Is my field empty because I have not tended to it? Is my land barren because I was more concerned about how I looked before I headed out to the field, and wasted all my time planning what to do with the field, so much so that I never even made it out into the field that day?

If you are like me in answering those questions, you will know that there is much work to be done on our hearts in regards to this area. We are not be afraid of what will happen in the field, we are only the to head out, and just start doing it.

Jesus warns us it's going to be hot out there, the working conditions may not always be pleasant and people might even walk by and ridicule us for our hard work, but in the end, we are doing what we were called to do, designed to do, and doing the only thing that will truly give our lives real satisfaction. Things to ponder...things to challenge us...things that need to change...

It's all there in His word my friends...He wrote it because He knew we would struggle with it. And so He gave us real life examples by which we can follow. Dig in, get dirty, and lets do the job we were created to do!