What do I need?

I made a different sort of list today, different that the "get my life organized" schedule that I made yesterday.

As I sat down at the Word today, I have to admit, I felt overwhelmed. A hundred people came to mind that I wanted to pray for, and I found myself wanting to just say an "over-haul" prayer to blanket all those I know who are in need. I have to think Pastors get very over-whelmed...they have many more needs to cover in prayer than I do...and their lives are ministry.

How do they not get discouraged? How do they look at each day and say, "this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it?" How can I say this?

Is that what you say at the start of each day? Sadly, my thoughts tend to be much different than those lines...and I want that to be different. Don't get me wrong, I am not discontent with my life, I really couldn't want for more than what God has given me, so why do our hearts long for something that feels just out of reach? A happiness that could be..."if only this..." would happen. What-ever that "this" is for you...but seriously friends...why do we continue to feel a sense of "needing something..." when we have so much? It's like when you have a craving for a certain food, but you can't even really put your finger on what that food is...and therefore, it's impossible to fill the craving. That's how I feel...and I'm left wondering why?

I have the Lord, I seek Him daily, and yet this desire for "something" remains. I want to pray for more people...I want to reach more people...I want to do big things for God...and I want to feel constantly peaceful, in all and every situation. Most days, I don't feel depressed, or down, but I do feel like I have the constant urge to move, do and improve things. That may be a good thing, or I may just be wearing myself out for nothing. I'm not quite sure...

But before I lose you by my ramblings, let me make this thought known as well:

Could it be, that I, and that you, feel this way because the end is near and we know we are almost home but not quite there? I'm starting to think that's it for me. I almost hesitate as I type these thoughts, because it feels a little crazy to say things like "people get ready, Jesus is coming..." but I also think He wants us to feel this way..

To feel like we can't quite hang our hat on the wall and say, "there. that's perfect." I think we are to long for the unreachable because we are not yet there! Part of me, isn't ready for heaven, and let me explain why I say that, it just feels like there is so much to do still here, and I want to do things like see my children grow up and get married...and there are people who are yet lost that I couldn't even fathom them not being ready when He comes. It just feels like I keep saying the to Lord.."Not yet, there so much left here.." And maybe it will be another 100 years or so, and all of my wondering will be soothed...

And yet, there is this other part of me that says, "Lord! Come now! I want to be where I am meant to be for eternity." I suppose this is why we do not know the day or time, but when it seems like evil is succeeding all around us, and the world is morphing into this culture where very little reflects it's Creator anymore, I start to feel overwhelmed.

But this is where I must again turn back to the truth of Christ...

"You hear O Lord the desire of the afflicted, your encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." Psalm 10:17,18

Throughout that whole Psalm, David is asking the Lord, "why?" all these wicked people are prospering and why it feels as though the poor and weary are forgotten...and I have to believe, many of us have echoed David's prayers. It's the thought that wicked are prospering, and the poor and needy are forgotten that make me want to ask Him to just return today.

All have forgotten you! Is a cry that I've heard in many stories though out the Word, and I hear my own heart say that at times to Him as well. But not all have forgotten Him, and who I am that I think I know better than Christ, that either He should come now, or wait till I'm ready.

So I mentioned earlier that I made a different list...here is what my list was in regards to all I just discussed:

*I Want to Hear God

*Be More Discerning to His words

*Applying His lessons to my life

*Not give into temptations

*Ignoring the lies of the enemy

*Not allowing discouragement to set in

*Knowing that one day, is only one day and not forever

The last one is the only one I feel I need to elaborate on. I feel that each day, I wake up with a mood, or a sense of what "kind of day it's going to be.." and I can either be instantly discouraged or encouraged by that thought. If that day happens to be one I'd rather just sleep though for whatever reason, to know, to pray, to ask for the knowledge and understanding of the Lord for that one day...knowing that tomorrow will be something totally different.

I guess the over-all theme is prospering in this life, in the strength of Christ, for the Glory of He whom I will spend my all of eternity with. And until we all go home, or He individually calls me home, then I will focus my existence on the list above. Knowing that is where my hope of the day will come from. Don't get me wrong, I have joys, and laughter in each day that is wonderful, and I thank God for the life He has given me...but the desire for heaven and perfect peace always looms. And until I'm there...and I feel what I've been longing for, I want to be the one whom God wants me to be, here...and now.