What do I need?

I made a different sort of list today, different that the "get my life organized" schedule that I made yesterday.

As I sat down at the Word today, I have to admit, I felt overwhelmed. A hundred people came to mind that I wanted to pray for, and I found myself wanting to just say an "over-haul" prayer to blanket all those I know who are in need. I have to think Pastors get very over-whelmed...they have many more needs to cover in prayer than I do...and their lives are ministry.

How do they not get discouraged? How do they look at each day and say, "this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it?" How can I say this?

Is that what you say at the start of each day? Sadly, my thoughts tend to be much different than those lines...and I want that to be different. Don't get me wrong, I am not discontent with my life, I really couldn't want for more than what God has given me, so why do our hearts long for something that feels just out of reach? A happiness that could be..."if only this..." would happen. What-ever that "this" is for you...but seriously friends...why do we continue to feel a sense of "needing something..." when we have so much? It's like when you have a craving for a certain food, but you can't even really put your finger on what that food is...and therefore, it's impossible to fill the craving. That's how I feel...and I'm left wondering why?

I have the Lord, I seek Him daily, and yet this desire for "something" remains. I want to pray for more people...I want to reach more people...I want to do big things for God...and I want to feel constantly peaceful, in all and every situation. Most days, I don't feel depressed, or down, but I do feel like I have the constant urge to move, do and improve things. That may be a good thing, or I may just be wearing myself out for nothing. I'm not quite sure...

But before I lose you by my ramblings, let me make this thought known as well:

Could it be, that I, and that you, feel this way because the end is near and we know we are almost home but not quite there? I'm starting to think that's it for me. I almost hesitate as I type these thoughts, because it feels a little crazy to say things like "people get ready, Jesus is coming..." but I also think He wants us to feel this way..

To feel like we can't quite hang our hat on the wall and say, "there. that's perfect." I think we are to long for the unreachable because we are not yet there! Part of me, isn't ready for heaven, and let me explain why I say that, it just feels like there is so much to do still here, and I want to do things like see my children grow up and get married...and there are people who are yet lost that I couldn't even fathom them not being ready when He comes. It just feels like I keep saying the to Lord.."Not yet, there so much left here.." And maybe it will be another 100 years or so, and all of my wondering will be soothed...

And yet, there is this other part of me that says, "Lord! Come now! I want to be where I am meant to be for eternity." I suppose this is why we do not know the day or time, but when it seems like evil is succeeding all around us, and the world is morphing into this culture where very little reflects it's Creator anymore, I start to feel overwhelmed.

But this is where I must again turn back to the truth of Christ...

"You hear O Lord the desire of the afflicted, your encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." Psalm 10:17,18

Throughout that whole Psalm, David is asking the Lord, "why?" all these wicked people are prospering and why it feels as though the poor and weary are forgotten...and I have to believe, many of us have echoed David's prayers. It's the thought that wicked are prospering, and the poor and needy are forgotten that make me want to ask Him to just return today.

All have forgotten you! Is a cry that I've heard in many stories though out the Word, and I hear my own heart say that at times to Him as well. But not all have forgotten Him, and who I am that I think I know better than Christ, that either He should come now, or wait till I'm ready.

So I mentioned earlier that I made a different list...here is what my list was in regards to all I just discussed:

*I Want to Hear God

*Be More Discerning to His words

*Applying His lessons to my life

*Not give into temptations

*Ignoring the lies of the enemy

*Not allowing discouragement to set in

*Knowing that one day, is only one day and not forever

The last one is the only one I feel I need to elaborate on. I feel that each day, I wake up with a mood, or a sense of what "kind of day it's going to be.." and I can either be instantly discouraged or encouraged by that thought. If that day happens to be one I'd rather just sleep though for whatever reason, to know, to pray, to ask for the knowledge and understanding of the Lord for that one day...knowing that tomorrow will be something totally different.

I guess the over-all theme is prospering in this life, in the strength of Christ, for the Glory of He whom I will spend my all of eternity with. And until we all go home, or He individually calls me home, then I will focus my existence on the list above. Knowing that is where my hope of the day will come from. Don't get me wrong, I have joys, and laughter in each day that is wonderful, and I thank God for the life He has given me...but the desire for heaven and perfect peace always looms. And until I'm there...and I feel what I've been longing for, I want to be the one whom God wants me to be, here...and now.

"I" Am the Problem

Yesterday, during church our Pastor made the comment that at some point in a believers life, we must come to the place where we are willing to admit that "we" are the problem in our life. I think that so many times we blame others, I am no exception. I took the stance most of my life that the reason my life was unhappy, unhealthy or not as I liked it to be, was because others where upsetting my perfect world. I was not the problem. They were!
I think I still do this in many ways...case and point.
My children and the chaos in my life. I called my husband in tears one day last week because "my life was falling apart." I know, a bit dramatic, but a was a pretty terrible day. The reason it was terrible was because I had lost all control with my children and it felt as though now, they were running the show. Particularly my three year old. My temper was lost, my cool was gone, and now I was at my wits end. My husband of course prayed for me, and I made it through the remainder of my day, hanging by a thread. SO, on Sunday as I sat there, listening to this sermon, on how we have forgotten about the Holy Spirit, and how we need to ask Him for the guidance in our lives for all we do, so and think, otherwise, chaos will erupt, and we grieve the Holy Spirit by trying to do it all on our own. I am so guilty of this.
Most days, I make it through, "barely." And cry for joy when my husband arrives home because now I have some help. A lot of days I would give myself this talk to "pull myself together" because seriously friends, there are people who have 10 kids, and they seem sane. I have two, (almost 3) and I'm loosing my mind...what gives?
Guidance and reliance. That is what is missing. I'm being miss-guided, by myself, and my reliance has been miss-placed. I'm hoping to shift, or rather, allow God to shift things back into their proper order...so that peaceful can be how I describe my days, rather than chaotic.
Now, I am also a realist, and I understand that I am raising a 2 and 3 year old...and they are crazy. But it need not put me over the edge (all the time) and I think this is an attainable reality, when I'm relying on the right person. Namely, the Holy Spirit...to guide me, direct me, and take me where I need to go with my children and supply me with what I need to give my children each day. I see now, that just maybe, "I am the problem." Just like in all the other times of my life, when things felt as though they were spinning out of control...I ended up finding out that there were things about "me" that needed to change...and as those things changed, my life got better. It has taken me some time to see these things, and as I am, it's becoming O so clear, that I must change first, in the strength of the Lord, and by the direction of the Holy Spirit. It will be my no power of my own that this change will occur...but by the power of the God I serve.
So, as He directs me, I've already begun to make these change...there is now a schedule..(gasp!) on my refrigerator door, and I have come up with some structured activities for the three of us to do together each day. It is what I've always wanted to do, but didn't think it was in my "personality" to do...well friends, I'm here to tell you that there are most likely many things that are not within the guidelines of our personalities to do, but God does not care about the guidelines of our personalities. He can work with anyone, in any way He chooses, and that may mean that some change has to take place within the guidelines of our "normals."
But change is not bad, especially change prompted by the Holy Spirit...and as we properly place our reliance in Him, we will see the peace replace the chaos.
I am re-evaluating much in my life, and I feel like I've been hiding under the guidelines of my "personality" way to long. I see that now.
SO I ask you...what could/should change in your normal, to allow God to create a better version of you? Each day, every single day, I realize, I am such a work in progress. Maybe I'm the only one, but if I'm not, and you see some things in your life that you are not particularly happy with, don't follow the next self help program to make it better...ask for the direction of the Holy Spirit and then trust that as He answers you, that God will give you the strength and the abilities to change what needs to change. God is a God of order...we know this. 6 days He worked, 1 He rested, and He created you and I in such a way that we need structure and order as well.
Lets ask Him today, what do I do Lord? Ask Him to show you, and trust me, He will!

Doing the Work

There is a certain job God has for each man. When He formed you, and I, He had in mind the things we would go through, the people we would impact and the jobs we would accomplish. Obviously, human desire, desires is to go it's own thing, and go it's own way, and many times, when we fall off "the path" God takes those failings, and uses those for good in our lives at some point as well. I do not fully understand the predestination/freewill concept, other than God is in complete control, knows all and sees all. And He foresees mistakes we make, and therefore, allows them, and it's in His plan that all of this may happen. I have a hard time looking at someone and saying "the painful thing that just happened to you was God's plan for you" but I can look at someone and say, "the painful thing that happened to you, God can use for good." Just like my sickness, or other pains I've dealt with in my life, as I look back, I DO see that they have worked out for my best in the end. Hard at the time, good in the end. Some things are natural, like death at the end of a long life, and somethings are unexpected. But either way, God can use them, and does. Which leads me back to the idea of what God has in store for each one of us. Why we were formed, why we deal with what we deal with, and how we can use that for His glory somewhere down the line. There are many scenarios where we the flesh walk into painful things, and bring upon ourselves more pain than necessary...for example:

Had I stayed away from some of the bad relationships I made in college, some of my painful memories of past would not exist, in the same way, God used those circumstances to shape me, mold me, and show me what "healthy" relationships look like now. And I am thankful for that, and knowing now that I've been through some of what I've been through, it will aid me in ministering to others now. Those who may have been through similar things, and are suffering because of it.

As I look at my life right now, all it's joys and sorrows, there is nothing I could or would change because I'm not sure what I would change. And what if I changed the wrong thing? SO instead, I rely on His wisdom to direct me, to lead me and show me, the place that I should go.

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." 1 Cor. 1:25

I am coming to the place where I am content to simply say, I know nothing, and what I do that seems like I have wisdom, may be only because God gave me a moment to display some of His words, using my mouth as the way of delivery. Do not put my name on those words if they sound good, put His name on them. In that I find peace.. because I now know it's not my strength that carries me, but His.

You know that feeling of when you are a child, and you sleep in so much peace because you know that your not in control? There is a sense of peace that comes with the knowledge that we are not in control of what happens in our lives...and as we rely on Christ, what needs to happen for our best, will. This does take a person willing to forfeit their plans and will for their own lives, but I lately I have had not had a hard time doing this because I recognize the nothingness that takes over my life when I think that I know best.

Get me out on my own for one moment, and me weakness will show. But, put me in the same place, as I rely on the strength of Christ, and the outcome is much different, as I soar on the wings of the eagle.

Let me wrap this up and bring my thoughts to a close, without Him I am nothing. And in Him, I can do whatever He asks me to do, because He will supply me what I need when I'm where I am at...and He will do this for you to my friend.

What you've gone through, God knows. Where you've come from, God knows. And where your going, yep, He knows that too. He will use it all to a much greater degree if you allow Him to take over, and lead you as only the Shepherd can. You are not your own, you were bought with the price of His death on the cross. We would all like to live at times as though we are our own unit, operating out of our wisdom and leadings so that the good that comes into our lives will be recognized as our own abilities that brought the into fruition...but that ideology will get us only far, and we will soon falter. His job for you can be great if we take what gifts He's given us, the things we've learned from mistakes in the past and use them to honor Him in our "right now." His job for us, is the way we minister to others in the places He's strategically placed us, you may think that you took that job in Seattle because you like Seattle and you had the right job requirements, but in God's world, you are there, because He put you there, and I'm sure if you are chasing after the things of God, and your eyes are opened to things of God, then you will soon see the world of ministry He has for you there.

This is your job: Listen to the leadings of God, watch where He wants you to go, and then go. Speak. Act. And then watch as He takes your obedience and grows good things from your ministry. It's pretty amazing to think that we are apart of His plan, because He has placed us, used us and ministered to others though us. We only need to do the work! Can you do that? Can I do that? The only way we can is be a reliance on Him, and constant white-knuckle grip on the Word of God...and yes, He will give you the strength and the desire to that too.. He is God! We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.

"Oh! I give so much!"

Today, I was reading again the story of the woman who gave 2 copper coins, and Jesus proclaimed that she gave more than the man who gave lots of money...

Now I'm not a financial person by nature, and this story hit a different chord for me. The area of giving of myself and my time. Particularly the time I give to my kids...because those are the ones I obviously give the most of time to at this phase of my life. And sometimes, (a lot of the time) I do it a little begrudgingly, mainly because "I'm tired.." and I can't fathom going an extra mile for little children who I think "won't remember it anyways." Bingo.

They probably won't remember it, chances are....but that is not the point I'm realizing now. Light bulbs went off everywhere in my brain as I read this passage again in the light of being a Mom.

It's not about how much you put in, but the quality of where my heart is when I'm doing the giving. SO it may be true, that I'm giving all my hours each day devoted to the children's well being and happiness. But if I'm doing it with a frown, them I'm giving nothing. Things equate differently in the economy of God, and I'm starting to realize my small offerings that I've been giving, and feeling ashamed.

I know that all mom's get tired...and all Mom's feel like that are worn thin by the time 10pm rolls around, and the children are sleeping, and the house has been cleaned, and now finally I can think about something we may want to do. Even the way I type that, I felt a sense of "poor me" and I realize even further, my desire to be recognized for "all the work I do..."

God wants my best. My children need a Mommy who is focused on giving God her best, because then they receive God's best for them as He works through me. All through the day as I was tired, I did pray that God would sustain me, but I forgot all about praying that I would offer Him good things, despite my exhaustion. So, I did all these nice things for my children in hopes that then I would receive the reward of peace and quiet later. I always find myself doing things in hopes that "they will nap well..." I think my actions/thoughts are normal, but why must everything result in a reward for me? Do I want the trumpets to sound and the crowds to cheer for me as I run in ragged at the end of the day from wearing myself out trying to do what I think will be "rewardable in heaven." I do not think that was the intent of God for our hearts as we "serve" Him. True, that I may be doing the same thing, but it all about "where the heart is" and not about what your actions say.

So I can tell that some reconstruction must be done on my heart in order to do what I'm called to do...God will not reward me for saying.."I'm just going to get through this because, hey! that's what Mom's do!"

True that any work that is long and hard can be tiresome, regardless of line of work, but when you offer your energy as a sacrifice to the Lord with a pure and honest heart, wanting to give God, and the world your very best, then that is where you will see the difference. Others will see it too. When I am doing things out of duty, then my joy is gone. My face is long, and I most likely look worn down to others. However, when we are doing things, in the strength of God, for the glory of God, with a pure heart, one can only assume that God is more pleased with that than the first description I gave.

It's freeing to know that God will give me what I need...and in the hours that I am wakeful, I have every opportunity to honor Him as the poor widow did as her 2 copper coins made a very small "clink" in the bottom of the offering plate.

I may not be able to offer God as much right now due to my health, but I can offer Him what I offer Him, with a pure heart...and I see the obvious difference now.

Perhaps there is an area of your life that feels much like how I described my approach to mothering was getting, and changes in your heart need to made, if that's the case, you can do as I am today, asking for forgiveness and praying for a change in my thinking as the day wears on and the fatigue sets in. It's not about how much we give, but how we give what we've got!

And trust me, your spouse, your employer and your children WILL see the difference, and you will feel the difference in your heart as this truth of Word sinks into our lives.

Looking Up

I had a bit of an interesting "dream" while hovering in between sleep and wakefulness this afternoon as I tried to catch up on my sleep missed from the night before.

I am not a dream interpreter, but this was what I saw:

A long tunnel hole, and a person standing at the bottom of it. It reminded me of a well...and I had the view looking up towards the sky, and I could see the sunlight ahead.

And of course, it made me think of my currents struggles, trials, and issues I've been through as I've walked the pregnancy road again. I am not un-thankful to be pregnant, but the chaos that pregnancy brings to my body and life is somewhat intense. This morning, as I "awoke" from another sleepless night, I was crying, knowing the long day I had in front of me without sleep once again...I told my husband that I feel like I've been struggling so long, I'm not sure what it feels like to not struggle. And when and if that day arrives...it will feel like heaven.

And this picture in my dream reminded me of one simple truth...when I have Christ in my life, there is always a light ahead. And I wonder...how many of you reading this, need to hear that message as well.

"this too shall pass..." is often what I whisper to myself as I struggle through a day, or moment. And as I pray, seek and strive to remain optimistic, and trusting in my Father as I go through these storms of life, the light ahead keeps me going. Of course, I am always looking for the "light" in each day, because sometimes the far light ahead just seems too far away. But regardless, I have the hope of the light that awaits and I am able to pick up my feet and take yet another step. I truly do not know why the Lord has asked me to deal with some of what I'm dealing with, but whatever the reason may be, He continues to inspire me with one foot in front of the other with a moment by moment dependence on the Father. Maybe that's why I am here in this place...to remember whats it's like to depend upon Him for my everything. But those are questions I'm sure I will have answered for me somewhere down the line...

But to hopefully relate to any of you who might be struggling as well, know this: There is a light ahead. And even though, we may feel as though we are down in a deep dark well, alone and left..we are not. As we reach for the light, help will come. The rope will be thrown down, and we will be pulled to safety as our cries are heard. So do not quit crying out...where there is light, there is life. So friends, take it from someones who's been down, there is light ahead, and God is our rescuer. Call out His name, and wait as He answers you in your distress.

Being Thankful

I was awake most of the night last night, due to a little one inside kicking, and running. It appears I have another runner in the family. :)

But as I awoke my with my 5 or so hours of sleep under my belt for that night, realizing I was going to have to call that "good" as my 2 year old was screaming for me. The clock blinked 6:20 and I arose. As I did though, I felt peace. I'm not sure why...normally when I have little sleep, I'm a wreck. But today, as I rolled from my "happy place" I found myself saying, "this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." Why? By the grace of God. And a thankfulness for the idea that peace can come in the storm...and goodness can come from trial...and that coffee no longer makes me throw up. :) (I had to throw that in there because it's true)

So, as I drank my cup of beloved coffee and opened up my Bible, to get my other source of caffeine...I realized, the difference is the peace of God. Not, the peace of man. And I also have sensed a shift in my perspective. As I talked with my Mom the other night, we just talked of how sometimes the situations does not change, but our perspectives can, and that in turn, changes everything.

It's not by our own power this happens though, it is of course because of Christ that this can happen in our lives and hearts. And this is why I am thankful. I may be tired, and out for the night early tonight, but I recognize that He is carrying me.

I always "know" He's holding me, helping me and carrying me through tough times, but believing in it is where the power the lies. If I don't believe that He actually will do something within me to help me, then I might miss the pearl of hope.

This is not a "sunshiny happy attitude" that I've got, this is a "I have not other way to live but through Him" and in that, He gives me peace and thankfulness for this day, even with the grimmest nights of sleep behind me.

I know it's a day by day dependence, and that's what keeps me coming back to Him each morning for more insight...more understanding...more encouragement. He truly is my strength for each day. The biggest difference has come from spending time with Him. I can say many things of how I need Him, love Him, and desire to be with Him...but until I actually open the Bible and read His words to my heart, then I am still missing so much.

And drinking coffee helps too. :)

SO, if this is true for me, it is also true for any of you. If you call upon His name, open His word, read His words to your hearts, you will be filled, fed and uplifted. Searching Him out in kinds of circumstances is your best bet for peace and hope, even in the storm.

And this of course, causes me to me to be so very thankful that I have the gift of searching out this great God, this source of all joy, peace and hope anytime, anywhere.

He's my SOS, my first choice, my in-between and the one who never fails. And the fact that I have the option of Him is amazing. That's why life with Christ is called a gift. Because it was freely given, when we did not deserve and we are offered it at always. Isn't that amazing?

Trying To Make It Better

It's been "that" kind of day. The one where your out on walk, and it starts to rain, you step in something wet with bare feet, only to find out it's pee. Your tired beyond belief and your children won't nap...yes. That kind of day.
As I felt my sickness creep into my body again, I decided to put my head down, continue life as normal, and get through my day. If only I could just get my kids down for a nap, all would be well. Nice try. An hour and 1/2 after we began the nap process, I give up on any hope of sleeping today, and just get up, (as I have been pulled from bed a 100 times since I first laid down an hour ago. And I started my complaining to myself.
This pregnancy is taking forever to be over with. I'm tired. I want coffee. I want wine. I want..I want..I want...
Sick of me yet? Well I'm sick of me too. I want out of me!
So, as I sat down to read the Bible today, it hit me, my desire is to end my "misery" my way...and fast! I want something quick and gratifying to make me feel better. That's what I always used to do when I had a bad day, I'd know I could go for a run, or have a late' or a glass of wine when my husband got home...
There was something "earthly" that could always cover up my problem for me for the time being, so that I could go on functioning again tomorrow. Right now, life is raw. There is nothing to season it with except with what's natural. The word of God, prayer, and a constant dependence on Him. In my heart, I know that His solutions to my pains are better than mine. Mine are usually expensive, quickly disintegrating and not what I really need.
"Rather...clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ..." Romans 13:14
What I can offer myself, is a band aid. The kind of band aid that will fall off as soon as I get wet. (meaning the start of a new day) What Jesus offers, is surgery. The kind that heals properly, and ends well. For He is a very successful surgeon.
I keep trying to make it better. I keep on doing my human best to take my pain away for a moment. But my way is not all that effective anyway, and a moment is truly all it lasts.
And I wonder...are any of you in the same boat as I am? Is there pain or trial in your life that is causing you to put a band aid over the top and call it "good?" Maybe you have 20 band aids stacked on top of each other because each day, the pain from yesterday still remains, so now you need double what you needed yesterday. What used to be one glass of wine, is now five, and what used to be 1 late' a day, is now three.
What are we doing to ourselves??? What are we trying to do?? Make ourselves feel as though we have no problems. Well this my friends, is our biggest problem. There is only one who can truly take those pains away...and His name is Almighty. We need to stop telling ourselves, fooling ourselves that we can make it better. We can't. And tomorrow when we awake, the pain will still be there, and the same old same old, will still be present, unless we ask for help. He will renew us. He will refresh us more than coffee, or a shower, or a nap, or a vacation ever will. We don't need a vacation from our problems...for when we return, there still there!! We need to allow the one true source of healing to do His Mighty work for us. Why? Why do we need to be healthy for real, rather than just pretending? Because of a few reasons. Pretending only hurts us in the long run. When we are in this place, we are unequipped to do His work...and pretending to do His work, with pretend strength, is us, trying to lie to the one who knows all.
I am not fooling anyone with my temporary fixes, and my earthly solutions. I say this to myself mostly, knowing that this truly is where my heart rests today, as I found myself dreaming of when life can go back to normal. But there is peace to be found right now. I don't have to wait until the baby comes, or until I feel better...peace is available to me right now. And, it's available to you too, we only need to ask, seek...and find.
I pray you and I both can do this today.