Friends, have you ever had this moment where something comes to head? A moment where you think something that you've thought about a million times, but suddenly you think it differently..
Well, I've had that. And my thought is about God, His character and why we do what we do for him. What are the motives behind being a "obedient" child of God? Let me tell you in complete honesty..most of my life, most of my obedience was for the simple truth that I thought it would help me get from God what I wanted from Him. All my prayers were requests, all my thoughts were, "if I do this, will it help Him want to give me this gift more?" And so was my relationship. Until today. This morning, as I was wrestling with this idea my stomach churned and my heart lept to my throat because of the simple truth that I have put everything else, all of my desires in my heart before God, and all the while saying, "oh of course God comes first..." Does HE? Does He really come first? So how do I put Him first differently now? I began by focusing on His qualities..who He is...the things that make Him so amazing. All that is this world was created to bring glory to God. The flowers, with beautiful pink lines of detail that reflect the sun and smell oh so sweet...those were created to shine his beauty. The baby that he knits together in a womb, that was designed to show his great care of detail, and really, I believe his most awesome display of talent. How creative is our God.
"All the ways of the Lord are loving and Faithful.." Psalm 25:11
I wrote in my prayer journal today after reading that verse that I think those two qualities are the two main things that all people need. Do you agree friends? We all need love, and faithfulness takes on many different forms...but to know that someone is faithful to you is one thing that is beyond comparison.
So, now I know, He is loving, He is faithful, and listen to this:
"The men where amazed, and asked...What kind of man is this? Even the winds and waves obey Him..." Matt 8:27
(and this is on the wings of Jesus commanding the sea to be still...)
And now I know He has authority and power. Which makes me feel safe...Doesn't that make you feel safe friends?
God is sovereign...and the idea of this has always left me feeling like i'm always looking for a little more...let me explain..
If God could stop earthquakes...why doesn't He? If God could save a man from drowning...why didn't He? If God could save children from death why doesn't He?
Two thoughts have given me comfort on the wings of these questions...1 of them being, He is God, and after all of the attributes I listed above, it means there is no error in God or His ways, and this means, I must trust Him even when the trusting is difficult. And our relationship with Him is not based off of how well things are going in our lives.
I have had a difficult winter emotionally...it's been a little wintery in my heart, I've had some days of feeling upset with God, doubting Him, questioning Him, and now finally, I am seeing some light because I never quit searching.
I read till my eyes strained and I cried out to Him until my voice grew hoarse. I think more believers need to say, God is in the bad times too.
It is in those times, I felt the most held, spoke to the most and the most ministered to. And now, having come up for air on the other side, I am looking at God a bit differently. He is not a being I cannot relate too...and yet I recognized that all of this, you, I and the world we live in was in fact created to glorify Him.
He has to come first. I always thought it so extreme and was very turned off by the statements Jesus made in the gospels about how if we are to follow Him we must pick our crosses and follow him, letting the dead bury their own, and leaving your families for Him.
What he revealed to me was this, it means my children, or my husband cannot be more important to me that God. Because in the end, God is all I have, and I was created for God, by God to worship God and live my life for God. Basically, it's all about God. And it's that very realization that I was just not ok with. My children were my everything. They were my biggest blessing. Now, I truly consider them my greatest gift. And I thank the Lord with my every breath that He gave them to me. (And my husband also...love you honey..:))
But its the realized that He comes first. And although I sort of had the attitude as "yeah, yeah, of course God comes first. God comes first because i'm a christian.."
It's different now. God comes first, because that is how it was created to be...and I have to mean in my soul when I say it. Don't say it if you don't mean it. God sees right through that and I know He did with me...which is one possible reason for my dark winter.
So, am I there yet. No. Never. :) But, I'm understanding something more about this God i've served for most of my life. And, the gifts He gives, they are just that, gifts...but they are not the sole motivation for my having a relationship with Him.
Hard thoughts for me tonight friends, but I feel as though I'm on to something in my own heart here...and i'm praying God takes me where He wants me with my new understanding about who He is. If i'm here to serve Him, than I want to that to the very best...
Being human is not a reason to let myself off the hook of learning the hard lessons...and i'm sure, He has plenty more for me learn. Although, I am going to ask for some leading besides still waters, but I know this:
"The Lord is my shepherd, and I shall not be in want..." Psalm 23:1
Thoughts anyone?
I think that for those who have always known God and have grown up in the church, it is hard to fully embrace who He is. We take His gifts and blessings for granted and don't fully understand who He is and just what He asks of us until we're much older. Sad...especially as I think about my own children being raised as "pastor's kids." But all of our journeys are different. The sanctification process varies for each person. Praise God that He is right with each of us and the Holy Spirit continues to reveal new truths to us...even though we are so blinded to them.
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